Decided to do something about the fact that I don't like how I look. Going to start working out everyday with Mears. Drinking nothing but water, except on sporadic dining out adventures. Hopefully that gets me where I want to be. Mears, Jordan, and I worked out today while watching Christina Aguilera music videos. It was a very nice workout.
Bryan. Still hanging around me like some lost puppy that I just gave food to. I feel bad. I mean. I just let him follow me around and fondle over me. I don't do anything back. If he's content with sitting in my room staring at it so be it. Maybe i'm the new Vincent and he's the new Zach. :O
Hopefully I'll miss school this Friday to go see MTA. I don't really know if I want to watch MTA or if I just want to go to a movie + lunch with Mears and Brett. I guess we'll see. Either way I'm getting outttta here! :D
I don't like writing in the notebook anymore. I'd rather write here. So i'm going to type up everything I wrote in that notebook into here. (This is the second time doing this - it deleted everything the first time.)
WTF is this...
"Write in this everyday then look at it at the end of the semester and decide for YOURSELF what you want to do." - Mears
"This could work." - Daniel.
11/17/09
...I started a thread last night with all the old seniors asking for advice on what to do. I can be influenced either way at this point because there is good reasoning on each side. I would love to graduate from here with the friends that have become my brothers and sisters. I don't think it will be like that back at Pass. I think if i go back in the middle of the semester it would be like throwing the rest of my sennior year away - but i'm so miserable. I can't stand living here as i'm treated like a child. Yes, i'm living on my own, but i'm being controlled.
...Nickie Floyd kiss my ass. I'm going to make sure you are overthrown. BITCH.
Another bitch is DB. Not only does he treat us like children he acts like one himself. I feel a cat has more artistic vision than he does. What is the point of being at an arts school if we're putting on productions crappier than a community theatre? He could take what he has and make something with it instead of saying "Well.. when he have a theatre.." we don't have one NOW asshole.
Every teacher/administrator keeps telling me i could help change the future of msa. I don't want to be a stepping stone for future students. I feel used. I feel like i'm the lab rat they're testing the school on. Which isn't right.
But, back to DB. There is SO much he could have done with Machinal that he's too stubborn to try. I want to direct the same play, same cast, same location, in order to show him and everyone that watched the play how much better i could make it.
Right now i'm sitting in a substance abuse meeting. Which i guess isn't a negative thing about msa. It could hapen at Pass too. I vowed never to watch/listen to another one of these after the one I listened to at WW. I have enough sense to not do any of this - just like the majority of people in this room.
[Senior Showcase] Auditions didn't really give me high hopes for my piece. Kinda just ended looking a little chaotic and I felt i had to settle with what I had. 0.o Would Mears and Michael make a good combat couple? ugggh. They better.
Songs for Piece?:
Fiona Apple "Sleep to Dream"
Lights "Drive My Soul"
I miss Hannah Miller. And all seniors. Pooh. D:
11/18/09
I wish Megan King would just spontaneously obliterate. I think it would benefit the entire planet. No one is going to miss her. If she wasn't filled with useless information, thoughts, and questions AHHHHH. I hate the stupid bitch. We can't get anything done in physics with her here. Make her SHUT UP!
Sigh. I need to change my outlook on this school is what everyone tells me. I try. And i'll try again... it's just extremely hard for me to create my own happiness while i'm standing in the middle of a stoning.
"There's vict-tree in the Lord" - Josh Turner
I wish life was just always a car ride with Mears.. always filled with a fun playlist and happiness! :)
Could I suck it up and stay here? I want to be happy... and i can't do that alone.
Sigh.
I MISS BRETT.
I wonder if mom would let me stay at his apartment. I mean i'm old enough. We have had plenty of opportunities to have sex and we haven't. We don't want to until we're ready. I really like that with him. I like that he isn't interested in getting off. He's interested in me. <3
Love then hate...:
I hate Mark. I do. I mean if we could just be a physical couple I'd be fine. Hate hate hate. :) I may have cheated on him, but I told him about it. I had to hear about HIM cheating months later from someone else. And he lied about it to me, Brandy, and Ashlyn. He isn't a real man. LOSER. Jesse can have him. Muhahahahahahahahaa.
11/19/09
Tonight was a blast. Near the end of 5th block I took Mears out and we had Bromas and ice cream! Loved it. Came back and turns out all our friends are sitting in the cafeteria. We chat for awhile. Then I remember i have apples to apples. So me, mears, michael, mel, hollye, erin, claire, austin, jordan and hannah have so much fun. We told jordan she couldn't have rehearsal because we were playing the game! We played for three hours. I love my friends. So much.
Do you remember that episode of Spongebob where they throw out everything in his memory so he can be a waitor? I want the little Daniel's that are in my head to throw out several memories I'm not too fond of. I'll give them more rest if they do so. :D
End of little black notebook.
xo.
Wow. It's hard to believe how many changes have been made to Kiwi since the last time I was here. Just really weird. But anyways. Mears gave me the little black notebook to write in and it just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. So I decided to head back to where I would write in middle school/some highschool. lol. Don't miss those days.
I just have alot of thoughts and would like to put them into my blog and out of my head. And hopefully it stays that way - because that would ROCK.
Well. I was about to upload a picture of Brett and me from thanksgiving. But then I realized how fat I look in the pictures. I guess since I stopped caring what I look like it's begun to catch up with me. I hate that. Austin was telling me yesterday how good I look and how i'm crazy for saying those things. But I looked so horrid in that dressing room trying on jeans. I felt like that when I went shopping with mom. I just didn't want to try on clothes. I didn't want to look in the mirror. Idk why I feel disgusting but I do.
I haven't been taking my medicine. I just don't feel happy. I do believe it's not making me depressed anymore but i don't like the way it's doing it. I had a melt down today so i started taking it again. I'm going to talk to stock and get off. I don't want to feel like this.
Brett is an amazing boyfriend. Period. I just wish i could take aspects of guys and combine them. Brett's incredible sweetness, generosity, and care. Mark physically. Austin's (Stumpp not Williams) witty fun insanely lovable innocence. And CJ's mysterious lustful vibe. I can toally throw these guys together to make the perfect man. But in all honesty, Brett is the best. :D
I have to drive back to school tomorrow. Not really wanting to. I just don't want to go to school. I think thanksgiving break should be part of christmas break. And i'll just go back to school in january. deal. glad we have that settled.
Now that i feel fat and hideous I must start back on a diet and back on an exercise routine. No more fast food with Mears during 5th block (sadly.) Back to exercising and sweating. Fun. Can't wait. fml.
I wish Brett would read signals though. I really wanted him to come here today. Story: Brett and I made plans weeks ago for saturday I would drive up to hattiesburg, we would decorate his apartment, and we would go shopping. Well he had to work so i didn't bother asking or making any arrangements to go. So he tries and tries and tries to get someone to work for him and he finally does. Then i can't go because we're going christmas decorations. And i put it out there very obviously that i wanted him to come down here. He wanted to go eat with his friends. So i asked if he "had free time" to come see me. He isn't coming i guess. D:
My back hurts so bad. I'm so tired and cranky. I'm hungry and won't allow myself to eat. And I just want to crawl into his arms. I guess it's too much to ask. He's getting really bad at reading signs. D: Then again all guys i've been with are so it isn't new.
Sigh. I'd settle for Bryan's arms. And that's insanely sad.
D:
xo.
