desperaterain , 26

I will destroy it.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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KraZii_BlueZ : Thanks! I am glad as well

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List of subscribers

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crazycanuck, daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, KraZii_BlueZ, starfly_18, TheWordless, Xuu_

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Rant:

I hate people.

I hate the way they look at me.

I hate the way they cough & sneeze on me.

I hate the way they breathe.

I hate the fact that at least half the people here in Wisconsin are clinically obese.

I hate. Period.

There really isn't a point to it.

And I hate the feeling of hatred.

I will destroy you, before you destroy me.

"The gift of memory is an awful curse.

With age it just gets much worse.

And I won't mind."

Jack's doing much better.

I am relieved.

Going to visit the grandparents soon.

Hope all is well out there.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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crazycanuck : thank you. :)

daisyrosegirl : coincidence. Look it up. =P

My grudges have nothing to do with him. I am just an angry person at times unnecessarily. I'm getting over it though. This is helping me to be more patient.

I know about fmylife. I think I've mentioned it in the past on here, maybe not.

Your story is funny, but it is some instant karma, lol.



KraZii_BlueZ : my step dad had a heart transplant 5 years ago. These seizures are related to his renal failure and him needing dialysis. Things will get better though. I know it.

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List of subscribers

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crazycanuck, daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, KraZii_BlueZ, starfly_18, TheWordless, Xuu_

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A poem one of my teacher's told me I should read:

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgment upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

First, a statement of appreciation for all the comments.

Except Daisy. No love for you. ;)

Okay, fine. Love. <3

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Responses to responses

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crazycanuck : I guess I always managed to stay in touch with people over time, even if we had our problems. This is the first time people have expressed apathy to knowing me at all. I don't know if I am interpreting it as rejection when it isn't - or if it truly is a form of rejection and I just don't know how to deal with it.

Either way, I don't understand how people could ever give other people the silent treatment and expect there to not be consequences. I'm not above getting even, and I'm certainly not above showing up at someone's house to get them to talk to me - even if they do still live with their parents.

daisyrosegirl : Call it melodrama if you must, they're just feelings. To answer your question - no, I didn't say that. If you read it again, you'll see what I did say, and hopefully see how it in no way resembles what you interpreted in your response.

If you are serious, I have been away from WoW for long enough now that I might actually jump into that god-forsaken game again. I don't know, real life is so much better, we will have to wait and see. June 11th feels so far away.

KraZii_BlueZ : If it must be, let it be. If I must be smacked, I guess I'll deal. So far being up here has been okay... especially if I ignore my step dad's health issues and the world's problems and everything else I usually can't let go of and use as a crutch to feel angry.

TheWordless : Honestly, to say I am never alone is not a comfort to me. There are times when I wish I was truly alone - even though I know it isn't possible. There are just too many people & other animals to ever be truly alone. I don't know if I'm supposed to find that comforting, but times like now - being completely alone might do me some good.

Thanks for the well wishing. :)

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List of subscribers

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crazycanuck, daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, KraZii_BlueZ, starfly_18, TheWordless, Xuu_

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And now an update.

Plane had engine troubles & needed to receive some maintenance by a mechanic before it left ABQ. As we arrived in Denver, I noticed our arrival time was a full hour and a half later than originally planned, causing me to miss my connecting flight.

Upon going up to the service desk to see what could be done - the customer service person had this ready to say to me:

"Wow, I've never had anyone throw their boarding pass at me before."

I don't know about you, but I am of the persuasion that it is physically impossible within this gravitational field of planet Earth to throw a flat piece of paper at anyone with any degree of force, accuracy, or ill-will.

In my opinion, the boarding pass lofted out of my hand and floated around before landing on the desk directly in front of her.

Noting how shitty of a job she was doing at dealing with me, the customer - my response was: "Okay, I've never had my plane have engine troubles and cause me to miss my connecting flight. Would you like to compare stories?"

She put me in touch with the manager who came out, very confrontational and said: "I'm going to need you to take a 5 minute break and come back because I can tell you're upset"

"I am upset, and I have every right to be after what your agent just accused me of. It is not physically possible to throw a boarding pass at anyone. - Would you call that throwing this at someone? Do you think it's even possible to throw a boarding pass at someone?"

"Sir, I'm going to have to call the police if you do not take a walk and come back and then I can assist you."

"Please, call the police because I feel like you are both harassing me right now - let's see what they have to say."

"Okay, step into my office and let me see what I can do for you."

So after he dropped his shitty attitude I explained how I worked in customer service -and have never seen anyone as shitty at their job as she was, and partially him when he greeted me - when they were dealing with me.

He apologized, got me the next available flight (the next day) and gave me a hotel and meal voucher.

I stayed at the Red Lion in Denver, a nice hotel compared to some of the airport hotels people get stuck in.

I was fortunate enough to meet 3 other people in the shuttle ride to the hotel who had similar stories regarding plane troubles and missed connections. We decided we would all eat dinner together so that we could vent and not be completely alone in the city.

We were 4 completely different people, differing views, differing experiences - relating.

No smoke screens, no emotional walls, no boundaries of "well, this is too deep to talk about with a stranger."

I was ... in Heaven?

The quality of the hotel and the quality of people I was able to spend my time with while waiting for my connecting flight diffused my outrage at United Airlines more than anything their customer service people could have ever done.

I plan on writing them a letter. We'll see what happens.

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So I get up here to Wisconsin finally, and my mom picks me up. She's doing better, thankfully.
My step dad, not so much.
He dropped a trailer on his foot and is in immense pain.

We took him to the doctor yesterday to pick up some medication to help him manage the pain.

He's still having twitches.

This brings us to the present moment when he wakes up at 4:30 AM, convulsing again.

My mom calls for an ambulance and they arrive on the scene minutes later. He's now en-route to the hospital.

I will gladly let go of all my grudges to have him be okay & have the doctors figure out what is causing this so that he can get back to being his old self again.

I've been awake for entirely too long, with nothing to show for it.

Even when I win, I lose.

Goodnight.

From my view

everyone is out for themselves.

Yes, some people are lucky enough to have supportive families, supportive friends, lovers, a social network to rely on.


But then there are people like me.


I'm not completely alone, but I think I could be.


My best friend stopped talking to me a year ago.

He stopped talking to all of our mutual friends.


A girl I liked a year ago did the same to me.


Apparently, I am such a bad person as to warrant this behavior.

Apparently, I've wronged them to the point where they will refuse to return my calls or texts or even associate with me.


I wish I knew what I did wrong.

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Even Emily doesn't come around anymore
I've scared her away too. ^_^

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I was simply using hyperbole to coerce you into commenting.

:)


Fun times.

I leave for Wisconsin tomorrow.

I really hope it is helpful.

I hope I can... find myself.

I hope I can help my mom & step dad out.

His heart rejection issues have really taken a toll on her.
Not to mention how he must feel... having dialysis and then crazy pains everywhere and then just a few days ago I guess he started convulsing as they were about to eat dinner.
The doctors don't know what's wrong.

Makes me want to say fuck it and go to medical school.

Fuck it.

momentary vs. everlasting

does it make a difference

when everything is transitory?

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl :
Ho ho, a response worthy of a shoutout if there ever was one!


As I said in my comment - I did listen to it. I liked it. It wasn't the best song I've ever heard.
I think I could do better if I had access to the recording equipment & the money Depeche Mode has accumulated.

But I guess that's the competition in me.

I have to one up everyone. ;)

Not really, but I do really feel like my music has the potential to be truly great.
Maybe it's a pipe dream...

I don't really have any book lists, but I do know of a lot of good books that I don't ever feel like reading or have the time to read.
I guess that's why they say you make time.
Whatever that means.

The book of the dead is awesome. "And you will know us by the trail of dead" - awesome band, with an awesome quote from that book.

You'll like it, I think? I don't know. You should lemme know.

I like your dream. I wish I could paint it, or make a song about it.

I also wish I could remember my own dreams. Maybe they come out in songs and I just don't realize it.

When I do remember them, they're beautiful. But it's so very rare...

desperaterain : yup. Talking to myself. Deal with it.

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Sometimes I wonder why I write too.

It seems pointless at times.