desperaterain , 26

Wolf Cub - Burial & Four Tet
http://songza.com/~nj5kyq

When we resort to our primal instincts

we resort to something else.

We find the answers to questions we never wanted to ask.


I'm finally finding some answers.


Finally.

Found.

---

In short:

if you had the same -6.75 near-sightedness
with my weird curvature
and slight astigmatism

you might see things the way I do.

At this level of magnification - very few things seem "perfect"

But then - this is where things get interesting.

Put in my contacts, and suddenly I can read this monitor from more than an inch away.

Put in my contacts, and I can recognize people, read signs - do things everyone else can do.

Take my contacts out - stop wearing glasses - and I'm left with my genetic sight.

I could see the pieces of a watch for their every intricate detail.

I would like to say I see everything, but I know I don't.

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If & when I grow up - I would like to figure this out.

This problem of sight & perspective & truth.

---

Come to think of it, I think I'll settle for not having to be so problem-oriented.

Just because things are conundrums
just because they aren't "perfect" (things are the way they are, who are we to judge them as imperfect?)

doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing.

Maybe we just can't see through it.



One day...

"We hurried to our deaths. Well, I lagged behind - so you got ahead."

---

Hook, line & sinker.
I believe that the more I listen to Bright Eyes
the more I actually remember who I am.

This music may have gotten me through the depression, but now I'm not sure what purpose it serves.

My tastes have certainly changed a lot - but uhhh

to what extent?

Do you ever really stop liking a song?

Sure, sometimes you get sick of it, but then later on - perhaps years later - you hear it again and feel that pang of nostalgia.

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You take your steps away
with hesitance...
Take your steps away from me.

---

I am the cautionary whale.

Frickin' Juno. I've been thinking of that movie a lot lately.

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Discovery time.


I think part of why I am so spiteful
is because I am spiteful toward myself.

They say you hate in others what you hate in yourself.

This may be true.

But this doesn't account for all hatred.

We hate because anger is part of the flight or fight system.

We hate because our parents hate. We hate because their parents hate.

I hate because we are at war.

Over what?

I don't know. I wish I did.

We've heard so many conspiracy theories, so many justifications - but I ask you: is there any real justification for war?

What hardship can we overcome more quickly by going to war?

What problems can diplomacy not resolve?

These are idealist questions in a world that does not value ideals until the individual has passed on - or more notably - died as a martyr to their cause.

There are a few exceptions - but of course I would say they are the ones that prove the generalization.

---

In short: I don't know.

I only know that I don't know.

Let the existential nightmare terrorize someone else for a while.

Lord knows you'll never figure it out anyway. (whose lord? Your mom.)

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Shoutouts to people who responded

---

daisyrosegirl : Grrs. :) Well, I tried. I guess I'll leave it at that.


Xuu_ : You know, you say it isn't true - but I don't know how it isn't.

For my crimes, I am lower than a bastard.

I never understood how people can even think about, or attempt to be happy amidst all of the world's suffering.

---

Live.

You had better be okay
or I'll fucking kill you. ;) /hug

---

I'm relieved.

But concerned.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing so incorrectly.

Tell everyone how it's supposed to be.

---

At the moment

I feel like less than nothing.

I am... worse than insects.

I am utterly expendable.

A copy cat of every little annoyance you've ever been forced to deal with.

Somehow... I know this isn't true.
But it's still a part of me.

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl :
I concur with you on all accounts
and now am infuriated that you refuse to talk to me on the phone.
Thanks, jerk! ^_^
xxxGurl : I don't know how to trust anymore. If love and friendship are the goals of trust... I guess you can count me out. What is it that I am, and if you need to extend it to all of humanity - please do so, supposed to be doing in order to make things happen for me????

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List of subscribers

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daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, starfly_18, Xuu_

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My song of the day is Foals - Red Socks Pugie.
http://songza.com/~xde6k0
Check, che-check it out!

The issue at hand is trust.

It's a life stage in developmental psychology.

Trust vs. mistrust.


I definitely do not trust people.

How can you?


I can't do this anymore, you see.

I can't work with these... people.

Hahahahaha.


^_^

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Shoutouts to people who responded

---

daisyrosegirl : I amended yesterday's entry for a response to your comment.
Read it if you care.
If not. Obviously... don't.

hooray.

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List of subscribers

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daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, starfly_18, Xuu_

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Diggin the responses so far
Ty ^_^

Your mom and I had a long talk

she says you've been bad

and you should try harder.

---

Your dad and I had a good talk.

He said you were doing alright
just doing what you know best.

I told him he was an asshole, spat in his face, and never looked back since.

---

After enough beatings,
anyone will say anything you want them to.

---

I think most people try to avoid pain in their lives.

I thrive on it.

Welcome to my hell.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : Think of it this way: either I grow to hate you and pick a fight with you until we hate each other - or I go away before that happens.

Pick your poison.

I've experienced both, and the latter only really hurts if you were close to the person who goes away.

I'm not close with anyone.

I prefer it this way.

This is the only way... I feel comfortable.

Having someone that depends on you just... irritates me.

Maybe one day I'll be ready for a relationship again.

Until then, I'm going to see how far my hatred can take me.

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List of subscribers

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daisyrosegirl, desperaterain, Isabella2521, starfly_18, Xuu_

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Hrmmm.

I would consider anyone talking to me a form of a relationship.


But... none of this is adequate.
I want real life friends.

Not online buddies.

I want people who will read my writing and give me feedback in my room, at UNM, wherever we can meet up.

I don't know when we became so cold & distant toward one another...

I know all of my aggression at our country and it's stupid people doesn't help.

But I don't really care either.


As my friend Chris told me, and I've since parroted --

"I desire your love...

but I'll settle for your hatred."


I believe U.G. Krishnamurti (no relation to J. Krishnamurti) also said it quite well:
"Love and hate must be distant cousins."

http://ug-krishnamurti.blogspot.com/