desperaterain , 26

"Touching me.

Changing me.

Considerately killing me."


I dunno.


...


"recalling all of the times

I have died

and will die.

I don't mind.
I don't mind.
I DON'T MIND!"

So let's review some temporary goals:

see grandma
help mom
repair relationship with dad
learn how to play guitar as badassly as Ratatat
have more real life friends
get a job
don't get a job because you're leaving soon though
or don't leave and get a job because my family is fucked and being around isn't going to fix anything

dismantle your every desire
and find out what truly matters

& maybe start loving people again

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Shoutouts to subscribers

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daisyrosegirl : good luck with studying. :)

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<3

Well apparently I was chosen as today's journal of the day.

Did it make my day? Alittlebit. ;)

Let's see.
My sleep schedule is officially out-of-whack.
Board certified...

There was a bird perched on top of my roommate's car and it like wouldn't leave.
So upon her freaking out, I took the initiative to deal with it - but then I kind of got freaked out because she was freaking out and the whole situation was not pleasant to deal with.

Moral of the story: remain calm when dealing with animals, especially ones that might be stuck or dead.

Freaking out does nothing to help the situation, and only adds further stress to an already tense person.

Other than that
today seems like a return to the anger, and I'm not entirely sure why.

I've only been awake for about an hour and a half - but already it has been a stressed hour & a half.

I don't know what to do with all of this pent up aggression.
Music doesn't get it out. I still can't seem to muster up the force for a good scream to get it out (thank you Hardcore kids)
and I'm certainly not playing any video games to desensitize me further into a world of violence.

My dad dropped by some running shoes for me...
I think it would have been the first time I've seen him in a month except for the fact that I didn't hear him knock at the door - and he said he would call, but didn't - so he just left them at my doorstep and texted me, which of course I didn't hear.

The point is: my dad hates me for being the son from his ex-wife, and I'll never be anything but that to him.

I am the reminder that marriage is imperfect, God is imperfect, and the entire charade is a fairy tale to keep you sedated and fearful.

I am the ruiner of dreams.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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breakthrough : I do not have a last.fm - thank you for sharing yours though!
I will check it out here shortly.

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Shoutouts to subscribers

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daisyrosegirl : Plus uhhh, it's a shanty.
You and your busy life. Pssschaw.

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And as I work through this bullshit
this anger
this frustration

the only thing I can think is:
nothing within my mind is correct, or in line with my intentions.

Here is a song that comes close to it:
Tool - Intolerance

I don't want to be hostile.
I don't want to be dismal.
But I don't want to rot in an apathetic existance either.
See
I want to believe you,
and I want to trust
and I want to have faith to put away the dagger.

But you lie, cheat, and steal.
And yet
I tolerate you.
Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
while I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your praise and glory.
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
as I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your glory
while you
lie, cheat, and steal.
How can I tolerate you?

Our guilt,our blame
I've been far too sympathetic.
Our blood, our fault
I've been far too sympathetic.

I am not innocent.
You are not innocent.
No one is innocent.

I will no longer tolerate you
Even if I must go down beside you.
Because,
No one is innocent.

Yeah between Beirut and this I'm pretty sure I'm set music-wise for a bit.

It's impossible to be angry when you're listening to such music.

This is what I need to contribute to - not my anger, not the chaos of noise music, but music that lifts people up.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrQRS40OKNE

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Shoutouts to subscribers

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daisyrosegirl : read the last entry for a ridiculously long response to your response, which I appreciate - but at the same time I have to wonder

how the hell did we ever even start talking to each other through these confounded internet tubes?

I look up to you because of your profession, because of your commitment to finishing your education

but we would have never known each other in real life.

....................
wtf? I know it's irrelevant and whatever
but it gets me thinking
wheels a-turning - mind a-racing


heart a-beating

Yeah that's annoying. Just checking.
Annnnnnnnnnnnd done.

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Over & over
struggling
working

tiring ourselves of our own consciousness
until we shout out
"I am sick of myself!"


"But I'm still right here giving blood, keeping faith."


Awake for 48 hours straight.
Asleep for four hours.
Now, the madness takes hold again.

No one responds to their phone calls.
Just screen and listen to the voicemail...
did my friend die yet? Are they struggling worse than I am?
Do they need my help?
Well, I better not risk them needing me.
I better avoid confrontation.
I better hide in my hole until the big, bad world passes me by.

"But you're pushing me
and I'm shoving you."

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : There was some contest where they had people draw coins from a big pot of gold type thing - and I reached in and pulled out a winning coin that gave me an extra 100$ on top of the 35$ they give for regular donors.

Your response to my entry on the other journal is intriguing. First off - that journal is no longer pw protected. Joy. Second - "But it's not your fault to drift to another place, knowing that everyone has their own paths, and it's very rare to find the soulmate who walks down each path with you. So whether you row or drift or float or whatever, you will still end up in the same place you were meant to go. Sad as it is, I think we only have the power to make certain decisions in our life, but no matter what decisions we make, I feel that we will still end up in the same destination. Which is sad unto itself."

There is something very significant here. When I lost my last girlfriend she told me she felt like she was growing and I was remaining stagnant, not progressing - she might have even accused me of regressing a little.

Now, months later I can't help but feel like I've grown immensely, but in ways unfamiliar to most people.

I don't know how to tell people that if they are unhappy, they should do what makes them happy.

I don't know how to empower people to make a drastic difference on their lives and our world.

It seems like most people are adrift, but not in a pleasant way.

It seems like there are rivers of thought - people being lead into lifestyles and jobs and activities that they don't understand all the repercussions of.

We've become addicted to fun, and thanks to over-stimulation & indoctrination & the entertainment industry, we've simultaneously severed our ability to create that fun for ourselves.

Do you feel similarly at all, or am I doing one of those crazy rant things? ;)

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Shoutouts to subscribers

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daisyrosegirl : Yay subscriber! Thanks for being loyal after all these years. ;)

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Libra:
You have made plans and identified a goal. Today you need to really think about how you can achieve this goal. Don't make arbitrary decisions and then have to back down. You may want to read a book or write a journal entry this afternoon.

Today:
You need to be watching your money. This is not the best time to go shopping. Your energy for working with others is better in the afternoon and evening hours. Better pay attention today and take notes, not just on what is said in the classroom, but on the life lesson that may occur outside of class.

This could be the start of everything you ever loved

You might not have this habit tomorrow
You might not remember where the idea came from

But here you are

This is it

This is the result of everything that ever was


If you've been lead here by the hands of time

and you don't feel like you belong

you simply don't know why you're here yet.

It isn't something to figure out

it isn't something where you have to live under a bridge just to arrive at a conclusion


You just have to keep going.

As my friend once told me
"Push."


We will get things wrong, a lot.

I hope we can forgive ourselves.