desperaterain , 26

just thinking about feeling better sends shivers down what you would call a spine.

I forsake any notion that I still have one.

I don't believe in anything anymore, least of all myself.

For this, and my lack of knowing myself,
my lack of choosing what to be,
I lose.

And once you lose, maybe you subconsciously choose to continue losing.

Until something, I don't know what, a catalyst of sorts comes and changes you.

Or maybe you wake up from years of depression to realize there's nothing wrong.
It's just you.
Staring in the mirror, twitching from time to time
wishing the voices would say something nice.

But I never understood where they came from,
and so my feeling is that you might as well prepare the obituary...

preorder the cremation if you want to get a good deal.


I don't know what ever kept me going thus far
and it seems like the only constant anymore.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : there is your update, and I thank you for saying feel better, but there no silver lining in this cloud

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When in need of self-disgust, refer to the above.

If only the hate could fuel me...
I'm just too lost to care.

I haven't been doing so well at the fail better part.

I haven't even been trying.

It's funny how after being a failure for long enough, I just started accepting it as my lot in life.

Such poor choices
such poor action
thoroughly rubbish.

I don't feel that typing of any sort will resolve this.

But that's just it

when you've fallen off the horse
and you wait for, Oh I don't know, a year or two

it's kind of impossible to get back up.

The horse has continued onward
looking for their own way
because they're smart enough to know it's not the end.

Why can't I be that smart?

I know dwelling on these shortcomings won't change anything either.

I was told I lost my inspiration. I wanted everyone to go on and stop caring, but for some reason they keep checking in and offering their time & ears in listening or eyes in reading the psalm of the hopeless


Brrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggttttttf.

I need to coordinate a full on restart super jump blitzkreig reinvention of myself.

I'm scared that I've exhausted my resources.
I don't know where to begin.

I guess I'll write again when I feel like it
even though I should set a goal and work toward it and then update

but that might work and be anti-self-sabotaging which we just can't have.

I'm writing this for I don't know who
someone I once knew
someone like you.


I dream of catching your speckled eye
beholding me, truly, wrapped up
enamored, enveloped all around
love in a hug, in your arms.

We were really terrible for each other
but you made everything mean more.

I could never carry my own weight
and you couldn't teach me how

so now I'll drown without you
but I don't mind. I like the tide.

You know the tide is forever...
even if forever isn't possible in this timeline

you made it all worth seeing.

"I made a lot of mistakes." - Chicago, Sufjan Stevens

I hope I never forget how you made me feel
even when it wasn't right or allowed
I was always better through your eyes than I was inside mine.

and ideals

and desires

until you can buy something you really want.

Until you've earned some shred of respect or dignity.

Keep selling.

Keep buying.

Keep pushing.

Keep your place in line.


I don't have any contempt within me anymore.

I can't blame people for doing what they do,
whatever those choices end up being.

I wish I held on to that conviction.

Maybe when I wake up.
Maybe next week.

Maybe never.

Start it up, yank the chain
see if this old motor still runs.

I suspect it's been severely neglected.

I suspect that reckless trying has lead to a shortfall of productivity.

Is it morning? Wake up, wake up, beep beep beep bzzzzt

By the way, I always loved too much...
and now forever too little.