desperaterain , 26

Our memories of when things were good
have forever jaded things now.

Working hard, working toward that end you didn't understand,
at least you were out there.

I miss being successful, and I can't help but feel like it's gone for good.

I know you thought of when I was better
and thought with this up & down nature,
things were bound to improve eventually.

But they won't.

I don't have anything anymore.

I gave up, and for that I am a fool.

And even in this recognition, in this light of realizing how far I've fallen - I can see the changes I might make to claw my way back up, and I'm missing the mark on acting on them.

I'd like to say that no one likes to see someone fall completely apart.

But part of me knows that isn't true.
I can't help but wonder who is watching me with a half smirk as I sink, lower & lower.

Farther and farther
closer to non-existence
closer to nothing
closer to who I feel I've always been.

A silhouette in passing of someone who used to be something
someone who believed in something
someone worth knowing.

I don't know what I am anymore, except to say that I'm none of those things.

Keep walking or die.
I feel like the first to fall.

An example of what no one should ever do.

Learn from him, kids. He's the failure we warned you about.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : thank you, I wish I felt things would improve

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Dreams I am concerned over:

Two nights ago I had three or four dreams. I never remember my dreams. It was so weird.
For one of them I was back in my old house in Wisconsin, and my step dad asked me to go into the basement and pick one of five deer heads.
I remember it was weird because they were bloody but it was like they were still alive somehow.

Then last night I was dreaming I was at a Tool concert and my girlfriend told me she was cheating on me.

It doesn't sound so bad typing it out, but the fear was still persistent long after waking up.
It sat in my stomach and would not leave.

I wonder what it means...

"I'll miss you!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKdsTKE6Izs&feature=player_embedded

Celldweller is spectacular.

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"With nothing useful to say and no one to listen to it.
Filling the deep with the pain I slowly sink into it.
Consider questionable things to try to get me through it.
I've tried to push it away but I always give into it.
Long for the taste of the rain that finally helps subdue it
and washes this all away."

I am so indecisive sometimes.

I know where it stems from...

life.


I've been conflicted about suicide for as long as I can remember.

I'm not a monster, but I often feel like one.
My minor mistakes snowball into depression converts into a needing to be needed transforms into seeking validation from others that I am as terrible as I imagine myself to be.

As soon as I press the brakes, I'm better. I might even have some assemblance of self worth and happiness.

I shouldn't need this anymore.

I told you to leave me alone, classic rejection reaction.

I wanted to die, classic hopelessness in the face of adversity, even as mild as mine is.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what happened to the person looking back. Sometimes, I don't recognize him.
Sometimes I wonder how that could be the same person looking back at me as yesterday.

This rollercoaster of emotions is rather pathetic.

Lazy & uninspired, in the land of opportunity.

What dreams I have, I gave away to others, hoping with their skill sets they can achieve what I couldn't.


I have an artistic vision, but it's piss poor.
It's deluded, it's contrived, it's influenced by the dredge I've associated with.

The darkness isn't consuming, only permanent.

You know that a lot of this is true
and a lot of this isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself.

"Fixated on these memories
like a prisoner inside a cell."


There must be a purpose for me
even if it's pointless & absurd
if it matters to me
I'll do it.

I have to, eventually.

I am falling through nothingness
reaching out to grab what isn't there

and the terrifying truth of the situation is that
this is supposed to be enjoyable

you're supposed to love this






but seriously

work harder, Kyle
or fuckin' else! lol I am an idiot

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : I found that somewhere
and for some reason I wanted it to tell me how to feel better
but I just get worse & worse

you were probably right
I have a MIND DISEASE
lol ... seriously tho, I'm an idiot.
Goodnight & goodluck

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Do you live alone? Would you like to know how to make your life happier, more fulfilled, and more purposeful?

People who live alone are often challenged to develop a positive attitude and find those activities, friends, and goals that make their lives meaningful. However, with a shift in attitude, they can find themselves attracting people and events into their lives that they have always wanted.

Some people often feel that they are destined to have lives that are less than satisfying. Many stoically carry their burdens and their unrealized hopes in their hearts, never speaking up or stepping forward to seize the opportunities that are waiting for them. This consciousness does not just happen to those who are alone...it can happen to anyone. But when we are alone, we are more vulnerable. It becomes even more important that we look after our best interests.

It is true that there are many circumstances that are beyond our control. However, those circumstances do not have to stop us from discovering the plans, dreams, and ambitions that are meant to be ours.

Here are some ideas and actions that you can implement to give yourself a richer life. Some of these ideas can be acted upon immediately, and some can be a work in progress:

1. Ask yourself everyday, “What do I want?”

Set some simple goals for just one thing that you want. Make a list of the actions it will take to achieve that goal.

2. Explore your passions.

What do you LOVE to do? What gives you energy, makes you smile to think about, or seems like a dream that could never come true? What did you always want to do but never got around to doing? What would it take for you to move closer to doing one of your passions or finding one of your forgotten dreams?

3. If you had worlds of money and time, what would you do?

Make a list. These are some of the things you need to start doing now.

4. Watch your thoughts—they lead to your actions.

If you notice your thoughts are negative, replace them with ones that make you feel good. Spend 20 minutes every day thinking of things that make you happy,--places you want to visit, people you want to be with, objects you would like to own. Picture yourself there. FEEL it.

5. Keep your mood and thoughts in a positive place.

Read books that inspire, watch TV that makes you laugh or gives you hope, and be around people that feed your spirit. Weed the rest out. Do not start or end your day watching news filled with tragic stories.

6. Re-define your purpose and vision for your life.

The purpose of your life needs to be very clear. It’s who you are and how people identify you. Exercise your creativity to re-invent any part of yourself or your life.

7. Have a career that feeds you enough money for your lifestyle, pride about what you are doing, and excitement for your day.

If you feel at a stand-still in your work and career, brainstorm with people about ideas for a career shift. Don’t stop searching until you find something that you feel excitement for.

8. Reach out to people and build a network of support.

If you are having a bad moment in life and doubt your worth or contribution to others, make a list of five friends and call them and ask them to tell you what you mean to them. This is a very powerful exercise. I guarantee you will never forget it.

9. Learn new skills, techniques, crafts.

There is nothing like learning something new that gives a special hopefulness for the future.

10. Exercise.

You have to take care of your body so your body can take care of you and take you where you want to go. Besides—it gives you energy and is a mood elevator.

11. Meditation and prayer.

They both have a profound affect on mental and physical health.

12. Consider adopting a pet.

Pets give us unconditional love, 24/7.

To live alone and love it, adopt any or all of the above attitudes, strategies, and ideas. Your great life is waiting for you.

I hope you never experience this.

The voices call out from beyond.

Inexplicable guilt, paralyzing.

Fear of making another wrong step is all that controls me anymore.

Fear of being the next idiot on the news
for everyone to see
the display of where he went wrong.

What he didn't do right.
Why he wasn't fit for this life or any other.


I hope that you are unable
to imagine the mumblings, the last words of everyone who has killed themselves too soon

business unfinished

yet over.

I guess that's why they call it a deadline.