desperaterain , 26

1) assumptions
2) delusions
3) ego
4) depression
5) mania
6) mood swings
7) enough mood swings to make one day have an entire season of feeling and contrasts therein
8) self-contempt
9) unfocused actions
10) acute anti-social personality disorder
11) former intense notions of borderline personality disorder
12) complacency for where I am mentally
13) stalemating my dreams and replacing them with convienent goals

---

I'm going to stop the list there as I moved down the ladder of abstraction; for fear of never being fulfilled with an exact answer.

It's hard for me to say what is the source of all my negative, crazy, maniacal thoughts.

Perhaps that damned shadow of my mind.

---

Disregarding all that the shadow encompasses,
I am still happy.

I am forever changed.
I saw photos of Laura's past and ... it was wonderful.
I can't really describe it, it's like some weird existence of coinciding childhood happiness that I related to; or perhaps it was just seeing her growing and changing... much like I did.

I guess I knew she had braces but it never really dawned on me until I saw pictures with them.
And it was strange to see her in highschool... when we "got close".
Who I remembered and who I saw through pictures never really gave me a full glipse of that portion of her life.

I don't understand any of it...
but it's easy for me to forget the long journey one can take through life.

What we see each passing moment is nothing like real life.
All people, all time, all heritage and history.

Just... something I've never thought about on New Years' Eve before... or on any day for that matter.

Here's to next year being as good as the past two months of my life have been.

Today (the 29th) (despite it being the 30th at the moment)
was one of my more manic/depressive days yet.

I don't have the right to call it that, but I do anyhow.

It's weird. Who cares?

---

I am doing well.
For good reasons.
Being well with good reasons for being as such.

My room is like 8-9/10 done and I am happy about it.
(it's way cleaner than any of MY rooms ever were.)
Everything I want to happen in my life seems possible and within a reasonable capacity to actualize.



Laura is amazing and I feel confident in saying that she's better for me than I could ever know or explain.

She sees through my emotions and dissects my problems till I forget that anything was wrong.


This is not all the love my heart is capable of, because she makes that quantity expand all the time.

I almost loathe to write it because I don't have the adequate words for it, but I am truly happy.


So in response to myself, trying to name one thing I like: Laura. Myself. Myself when Laura is around.
Laura when I am around.
My bed. Laura asleep in my bed.

And just about everything in between.

you said I'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking death
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you've made

Stop counting on that camera that hangs 'round your neck
cause you won't ever remember what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
like you never had to look for it

it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's so easy it's.. so easy.. it's so easy it's... so easy it's so easy...


it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is
to finish this half empty glass
before the ice all melts away
and this feeling always used to pass
seems like it's every day
seems like it's every night now.

---

Yea what good's an acknowledgement, it still don't change things

99% Bright Eyes - A line allows progress, a circle does not
1% BE - a new arrangement

---

TRY TO NAME ONE THING YOU LIKE

it's the only way it can be
so I stare at the sun
and I breathe with my lungs
just trying to bear the weight of the truth

---

2 months and I've taken all of it for granted.
A perfect ending that isn't an ending at all.

"If I just exist for the next 10 minutes of this drive, that would be fine."

I've thought that to myself several different times lately.

Why is it that my mind is content in striving toward claiming a piece of happiness and ending everything on such an up-note?


If there is such a thing as being stuck in happiness, I am in it.

The word is suffering, but it shouldn't be called that.
Because love makes life sufferable.



I don't know why I have to write about this.
Oh wait, I think it's because I miss Laura.
But .. don't know what to do about said missing-her-ness.

and so I recall that Natalie Imbruglia song "I miss you" ... yeaaaaaaaaaa I miss you.

and fade to black

I am reminded of something I once thought
that a lack of things to say
at least in my case, correlates to an abundance of happiness in my life.

and behold it is true again.

Only now does being speechless and wordless sound appealing.

Just so this will continue.

Because I never knew how fruitless it really was to be so insecure.