desperaterain , 26

No matter how many things go wrong

It seems there is happiness a kiss or a hug away.

And that is something that was not sinking into my head.
For a long time I didn't want that.. I didn't want to get used to that.

I have to say ..having it is so much better than trying to live without it.

But now that it's June
we'll sleep out in the garden
and if it rains we'll just sink into the mud
cause it's quiet and much cooler than the houses
and there's no clocks or phones to wake us up
cause I have learned that nothing is as pressing as the one who's pressing would like you to believe
and I'm content
to walk a little slower
cause there's no where that I really need to be

CAUSE THESE ARE DAYS WE DREAM ABOUT
WHEN THE SUNLIGHT PAINTS US GOLD
AND THIS HOUSE COULD NOT BE PRETTIER AS WE DANCE UP THERE ALONE
AND THIS TV'S OLD, THE COLOR'S FUCKED
YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN THE SHADES
But the green still glows to green my love
and I believe we are the same

stay like this all golden green, light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen
and if you close your eyes we will always be the way we were that night you crawled inside of me
and slept in my blood, the way you sleep now
the quietest hush has consumed this house
and when the doctors have gone and you sweat through the bed
with the pictures and pills piled around your head

just rest now

and in a moment you'll know everything
was it all a dream?
it's too vague now to recount
an outline of the one you love
and a life that was
that no longer will be
stands above you
as you sleep

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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FreedomOfChoice : Kel is my fellow New Zealand - tool liking kiwi-friend.
Her name is le_ribena and maybe you know her.
She is awesome. And it's always cool to have awesome people talk online with each other.

Yea Daniel is my flatmate. And now David. D&D... creepy.

gwenabee683 : I remember calling her La-ow-da back in freshman year.. so when you were a sophomore. When did you start calling her that?

laciespoetry : that was a quote of that sum 41 song...

Eevee618 : thank you again for everything: helping me move, being empathetic, being you. I don't want to take any of it for granted... you're too wonderful for me to forget how much better I am doing now.

Still a ways to go... I hope you're there at the end.

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Aww, thanks kel.

So does anyone remember those days when I just wished I could scream?

Well I finally figured out how.. but it's not a cool scream.

It's not a Maynard scream...
it's more like a Cory from slipknot scream.
And ... we all know how much musical diversity they are capable of. (very little)

Oh well.

Regardless of how it sounded, it felt very good to get it out. To unlock that part of me again.

I have homework, but I'm neglecting it.

Hopefully I get enough sleep tonight.

Hopefully I see Laura tomorrow.

Everyone ... wants it all..
WITH NO SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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responders:

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none.

But La-ow-da said something about my entry when we talked today so that suffices.

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Lean to your left
that's your left
lean to your left
you're gonna die.

Life's a trap
the future's nothing but a tragedy.

I was honestly convinced that my next girlfriend was going to like bright eyes.
So much so that I almost thought I would refuse to date anyone who did not like them.

What a weird set of standards.

Thankfully, Laura did not like Bright Eyes, and I like her ttttthhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiisssssssss much regardless. Besides, I can sing bright eyes songs into her phone and maybe then she will like them through the medium that is myself.
And then maybe we'll go to where ever the other is and life will be grand.
I experienced that today. Unsureness, uneasiness and complete neurosis morphed into happiness, almost instantaneously.


When I came home I was greeted by a voicemail.
This is the second or third night in a row that Daniel has slept at his parents' house.

It's one thing to be a horrendous lover, catastrophic co-worker, and generalized waste of space; it is another to have your own roommate not want to come home, ever.

But listen to me being irrational. Like a little whiny brat.

I know the truth, I often do, but my emotions like to cloud it. I know Daniel stays at his house because I am working late at night and he might actually prefer a living partner to be there so it's not just him in this apartment.
Ever since the vandalism I don't think he's really had any faith/trust in our fellow inhabitants. I don't blame him.
I feel the same way.



The answer is inside of me.
I just... need to evolve.

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Big letters that have no meaning

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Eevee618 : I can't tell you how nerve-wracking it is that he still calls you.
Possibly incessantly.
I know it grates on you too, but I guess to fully grasp it you would have to suspect that I was getting 15 calls a day from one of my ex significant others.

I wish it would stop for both our sakes. This might be stupid but, did you talk to him?

As for this test that's upcoming, I know I will be okay.
... I think.
As long as I don't get all mushy and desperate-for-you-like.
... too late.


FreedomOfChoice : You speak of regret in your life with a lighthearted tone. Like... yea I wish I could have done more but what can you do?
Whereas I'm like.. or used to be like... absolutely hell bent and stuck on this notion that who I was in the past had infinitely better possibilities than who I have the potential to be now. After all the screwups.

I read your entry and it looked like your shadow was preventing you from truly realizing what you put hope in.
I understand. Identifying such things for me would be difficult. But this is true for all people. Hardly anyone is fully comprehensive of what gives them their will power and hope; and I think through time and friendships and probably lovers we begin to shape our own dreams and happiness-seeking routines through the reflections of what those around us desire for us.

... if that makes any sense.


le_ribena : you have nothing to be in awe of, and furthermore nothing to feel inadequate about.

We're all living life simultaneously...
"the master and the servant have exactly the same fate".

I respond all the time to your journal with random, irrelevant, oftentimes brain-numbingly stupid comments.
Have no fear, I will not judge you by anything beyond cool girl that lives in New Zealand.

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Have a happy and warm and sickness free December everyone.

And Laura should have the greatest december in the history of her decembers. Is it pathetic that after less than 12 hours of being apart I want nothing other than to see you again?

I have to work at 7 tomorrow and have class at 4:30-6.
Can we work something out? When do you get out?

When I am sad like this
I think of life as one endless, repetitive cycle.
You get your curveballs, but they can almost be accounted for.

"Maybe we're not sophisticated enough to understand it, but there is a pattern.

{...}

No results. No results."

The thought of working to my grave in the hopes my children have a better life than I had is rather depressing.

I don't know how my parents could strive on with that in their heads.

It sounds selfless and kind, but I don't know.

Maybe I am too selfish to realize why it would be a good thing.

No kisses and no Laura make Kyle go something something.

Dear really fucking creepy phone caller: you are a bastard.
I hope all of this negative karma comes back on you like it should, and soon. If it is who I think it is, this will be the third time I have forcefully requested contact to stop.
I am told to avoid confrontation and yet, I fucking know if I run into him and make him let me see his phone I would probably see 10 recent calls to Laura's phone.

Or he would refuse because he would know he was guilty and then the possibilities are rather perturbing. I could punch him in the face, he could get all of his friends to beat the hell out of me, or I could honestly go crazy and kill every one of those motherfuckers in self defense.

I don't want to say I've always been angry, but I do feel like if I don't set some form of respect levels here, no one will.

I am unable to grasp why I harbor such a hatred for an innocent-until-proven-guilty individual. A logical explanation is lingering jealousy.

But we all know that any form of confrontation between him and I would ultimately lead to more bad things for me (and my car) in the future.



......... I don't know why I went on about that for so long, but that's how much it irritates me.




I feel like I'm not doing enough sometimes.
Like what little window of opportunity I still have is closing.
I'm being closed in by the future of monotony and 9-5 suffocation.

I'm not scared of a regular job like that.
I'm scared of changing. Conforming. Never being the Kyle that exists now.

Although I think I know somewhere in my heart that such a thing is impossible. I am too weird to live, too rare to die.


I am so tempted to change my name to Kyle Maynard Claypool.
>.... how cool would that be?
Seacow cool.


Laura gave me 5 bucks today and I told her to keep it and make me some potatoes. She said alright but only if I didn't eat them.
I did so and watched her enjoy cooking them only to feed them to her dog.
After 17 minutes of watching spike tv, we both died in a massive heart conjoinment of the soul-like spiritual destiny.

Don't ask, don't tell.

[color=red] <3

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Know your enemy

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FreedomOfChoice : Bill Hicks is hilarious. If you have some(any) liberal views. (which judging by your name, you are.)

As for life without hope, my name used to be hopelesskyle. And that was not living. I may have thought it was... but it was far from it. Hope is essential for your life to have any value. ... and I've been there.

Maybe your next entry will be about what you have hope in?

thebrunettes : perhaps california sinking into the ocean and arizona being our new coast line is part of the changing of sacred geometry in relation to the new grid we formed that FreedomOfChoice wrote about. ... more creepiness to make all of that seem so real.

eevee618 : and so once again my dear Laura my dear friend
I have lead you astray. I might push you away.
But it's only to bring you closer.
...
You didn't respond and that's okay. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me.

The packers won. But my day was lacking without seeing you.

I would gladly pay you tomorrow for a hugburger today.
And a sunkiss to drink.
And a you to take home with me as my happy meal toy.
I promise I won't get tired of you and take you to good will.
[:)]

Reading about 46&2 has enlightened me.

I now share this philosophy that our minds do have a shadow and in order to evolve, advance intellectually and towards the common good; we must activate our minds.

The government has always known that a mind is a dangerous thing, but only so when they are unable to control it.

If we were to face this shadow in our minds...
the possibilities of human interaction and relation among all people is rather beautiful.

Bill Hicks was right, you cannot make millions of dollars off of weapons when the world is united with one mind.

"Go back to sleep America. Here watch more Gladiators."


Even as I try to fathom such a reality, my own mind struggles to confront this darkness that shrouds many things in my mind.

I don't want to think about them because I am afraid they will hurt me. They will taint me. They will scar me.

A brief examination
Extreme forms of neglect, rape, abandonment, cheating, lies, jealousy, anger, prolonged or infinite solitude, collapsing spaces, being trapped, being somewhere I don't want to be, having to stay in that place, never leaving that place, being cheated on, being cheated on daily, being cheated on and not knowing until years later, falling out of love and that love they once had for me turning into hatred, not being good enough, not being on time.

Everything Christianity claims to be in hell, is in this shadow of your mind.
Truly facing it, embracing it, dealing with it and re-emerging from it is something to look forward to.

Maybe I'll see you there.

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Shout'ems.. get your shoutems.. hot and fresh and cold and tasty

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Chav3z : I hate using metaphorical bridges too... as they are somewhat cliche.. or just... unimaginative on my part. I don't know what it is. But land bridges, they are okay. Certainly more practical than underwater tunnels. But how cool would those be?!

Eevee618 : I don't want to drive you away for being too nice. So many compliments in so few sentences.
My mind has trouble dealing with them, and it is very hard for me to accept them.
I want to say, "I'm not beautiful, I'm not any of those good things, you're blind to the truth."
But you said them. And that means a lot to me; to have someone else believe in me and my aspirations and quite possibly reconfirm my convictions as true.
I believe in you too. We've both been less than perfect... but I think you've been closer to it than I have.
But more recently you've stepped out of line than I have.
And maybe you understand now why it hurt me.
But it was insignificant compared to what is possible. I know I can say this because I saw you today, I am hopeful for us. I also know no matter how much intellectual and emotional understanding/relating/empathizing we have, there is this need for contact. I get scared by the future. The thought that this need for physical togetherness might be tested is scary to me.
All of that may seem very pessimistic to our future, but as I said, I am hopeful. Optimistic. I am such because I feel confident in saying that no matter what happens, I will be your friend. I hope that song was wrong.. and that love doesn't tear us apart.
{breaks out in song}
"But if it does, we'll never know, we might have to mend us some wounds. Yea then we'll share some scars, be turned just like new and maybe find some way to love like the moon... and the stars... alright."

Now I think I understand what it means to be a friend. And maybe even to love someone.

FreedomOfChoice : Don't apologize for asking questions.
As to is it wise to place hope into something as fragile and unpredictable as love; no of course not. Love defies reason, or so we've been taught. But if we (or maybe just myself) cannot place faith into something, isn't it then better to place it into someone? To live without hope is to long for death. "Those living for death will die by their own hand"
It is sad that life can appear fickle in all things, including love. But for me, a once-was and possible re-kindled hopeless romantic, there is something beautiful about a relationship I cannot quanitify. There is a value in a beautiful memory of love that cannot be kept or associated with by any other means.
So I guess, in defense of love (and wiseness), I must say that it is wise to invest your hope in anything that is redeeming for you. Hit or miss, it is almost always surely a gamble. And to place hope in anything outside of our own hands is a gamble with the heavens, a place where I hope betting is viewed as unneccesary.