desperaterain , 26

right now

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That is my brain.

Such a wonderful change from

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work just levels me out I suppose

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Having someone who you honestly believe could love you changes everything.

It's having something to cherish, something to lose, something to fight for, something to desire with the possibility of actualization, something beautiful, something to look forward to, something to regret, someone to feel for and empathize with and grow beyond physical happiness with.

Who needs drugs when you have love? We've mistaken our want for a feeling to be a want for a feeling through a substance. I realize now that the problem is much like trying to fit two pieces of a puzzle together, and that when it fails... our anger is appropriate and we search for new means and methods.

But when those pieces fit... ... I lack the words to describe what I want to. I could throw them here... inadequately, but why ruin what is indeed better left unsaid?

This kind of love may not be possible in all things.
Friends... even the best of them are limited in our capacity of love.

We may fall in love with the feeling...
but right now, all I love can only be seen by my eyes.

A few months ago all I had were my words.
Now there is a gap: between happiness and how I feel with her, between what I write and how I feel, between who I was then and who I am now.
Now there is a bridge, between reality and dream-like contentment.
Now there is hope, for tomorrow and everyday after.

Now, there is you.

YOU SAID YOU HATE MY SUFFERING
AND YOU UNDERSTOOD
AND YOU'D TAKE CARE OF ME

YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE
WELL WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Haliegh Haliegh an aweful lie
this weight will not be satisfied
I'm gonna give you only one reply
I KNOW NOT WHO I AM

But I talk in the mirror
to the faces that appear
the conversations are circles, always one-sided, nothing is clear
except we keep coming back to this meaning that I lack
he says "the choices were given, now you must live them, or just not live.... do you want that?"

---

Epiphany central.
Relationships.
I'm not going to go into my usual cynical view on relationships.
I used to think that the benefits were greatly disporportional to the expenses.

Now I think otherwise. She makes me sane. She makes me think. She makes the next 5 seconds seem like they are infinitely more important than the next 5 hours without her.

And I've probably thought about this before, but it feels like an epiphany so why not call it one?

Within a relationship, there are so many variables. So many opportunities to screw things up.

It is no wonder that most relationships end up not working.
When you throw in a gigantic variable filled equation into any function, in this case life; you see the infinite possibility for all things.

Good or bad, those possibilities are endless compared to what the logical brain can conceive as a "logical outcome".

For instance, a relationship can have several logical outcomes, but again, infinite possible outcomes.

To take into account hopes, dreams, desires; we begin to see how few of these logical possible outcomes can be actualized.

And yet, that is where our irrationality comes into play.
It doesn't matter that I could say something incredibly stupid to Laura and have her hate me for the rest of our lives.

We thrive on the chance that I will say the right thing, and opportunistically we will seize each other's well being and guard that for the rest of our lives.
Such a possibility, perhaps even a logical possibility, is worth the wait, fight, time, you name it.
In my eyes, Laura is more than my sanity, and yet she does so much to keep me sane. Above the drowning waters so to speak.

In my eyes, I equate what I have felt with Laura to be on the door to love. Maybe she doesn't feel the same.
But I feel warm inside that door... but when I'm outside of it... it's like I'm homeless and forgotten; or at least it used to be.

Now when she's not available, around, whatever; I can picture her enjoying life, having fun, etc; and vicariously making me happy.

It is a world of possibilities spiraling into each other, entwining based on severity of change and degree of differential in possibleness.




So where, in all of that heap, is my epiphany you ask?
It is simply this: with all of our possibilities, to achieve love is truly a rare thing.

It is far easier for a relationship to go downhill in the spiral of possibilities than it is for those opportunistic logical outcomes to materialize.

And therefore, with what progress my once cold heart has made; I see a glimpse of what is possible.

"Imagine all the people living life in peace."
In peace and in love. That's what's possible.
That's where I hope evolution takes us.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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laciespoetry : thanks, hope you had a happy thanksgiving yourself.

Bright eyes 4 life homie. lol.

le_ribena : what on Earth could you mean? "I'm beginning to think I was more right than ever before."

You've always been right you bloke. You silly intelligent bloke. I think what you need is right in front of you. If you're feeling down, there is the comfort of your boyfriend.

And I can only hope that is enough. Because that love may be all there is.

Last Saturday
I stood in your entryway
That place where we used to wait for cars to carry us away
like once in this door
they drove me and Justin home
the music was just being born
it was all I was longing for

now I'm on a plane
I'm singing my songs again
oh please don't think ill of it
cause it's the reason I exist

but you... you're the crutch of a cripple
you're the calm of a conscious
you're the peace that I have found
when all these voices talk too loud
well you are quietly reassuring me

with the hands of a healer
and the tongue of a teacher
it's your voice that I have known
to be the first one on the phone
yea you ran all the lights to the hospital

so don't you say to me that life's a trap
the future's nothing but a tragedy
cause I'll be out of that window
yea I'll start wishing to die again
just say we're not walking backwards kid
and show me to the door
and I'll walk behind
out into that hot sunlight
the world's very much alive
even when I close my eyes

should I admit
my promise is counterfeit
I'm careless and childish
and that's all I can hope to be
and would you conceed that I think only of myself
I refuse everybody's help who has been reaching out for me

Well you reach with the soul of a sailor
and the swing of a miner
you have cleared the rock away
leaving gold there in its place
and it is more than anyone could claim

with the sense of a banker
and the touch of a tailor
you have saved this life from me
and you have sewn it to beauty
and I am grateful now and I will always be

so would you sing with me
this song is all I know some truths are told now only in a melody

so I've been writing a new one
yea I'm taking my time with it
it's gonna be so perfect
it's gonna hold all of us inside of it, you will see
if you would just add your harmony, then I think it would be complete
and be worthy of singing
my clumsy symphony

yea you're the cool of the water
you're the start of the summer
keep me still like an anchor
in the storm you're the cellar
when I'm heavy with worry make me light as a feather
when I'm deafened by anger you're the song I remember
with the grace of a dancer
and the strength of a pillar
when I'm starving to suffer you just fill me with laughter
you're a poet and a saint
you're the only one I choose to immitate

like the love of a father through the eye of a camera
it's this picture I have seen
we're on a sloping hill of green and you are walking there beside me
Bright Eyes - Entry Way Song

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Laura, your inadvertent kindness towards me is wonderful.
Even when I had nothing but the worst of thoughts on my mind, you dispelled my irrationality and made everything seem just... serene. (and popcorn chicken was pretty damn hilarious.) [especially knowing we could have eaten it]

If every night could be like tonight, I'll take it.
I know it can't, so I will cherish it.

You're the key to my shackles
and the cure to my ailness
you are growing pure beauty
I bet the flowers wish they could blossom just like you

It's 2.15 am here.

I got done working a little while ago.

I'm really tired.


I have a few thoughts running through my head.

But they are mostly unimportant.

Can this love I feel expand and grow exponentially?
I want it to.
I want to burst from it.
I want it to cover everyone I love and lift them up above what used to be normal.

Just a slight change of altitude, that's all I'm asking.
Keep the air flowing nice and thick, god knows we need it to keep choking on whatever is not oxygen in it.

I HOPE
I HOPE
I HOPE YOU CHOKE!

I really don't. That's part of a tool song.

Know I am not
think I am not
know I am not
who I used to be
who I used to be
did you used to be?
NO I AM NOT!

---

I still have room for more cake

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Eevee618 : I couldn't have asked for you to say anything else.

The dream wasn't so much moving as cause for worry.
I was caught up in this fear that it had already happened and it was too late for me. For us.

Next time we hang out, can you show me what I wrote in response to your dream? I have become addicted to everything I've written in the past.

If by paranoia you were referring to Jon, I don't think so. This was someone else. Someone I didn't recognize.
Not faceless but somewhat vague.

I can't expect you to just poof forget about someone.
I mean I still remember and recall my ex's from time to time, it's just that 2/3 I carry a lingering hatred for.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I hope you like my haircut.

You're a mirror, and a mirror is all you can be, a reflection of absolute beauty.

---

Look at him go
Look at him go
huuuuuuuh
Look at him go
YEEEEEHAAAAW

Look at him go
Look at him go
huuuuh
Look at that sonsabitch go

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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BriZayBriZoke : Thank you. I think. It was so strange to read that stuff.
It's really strange to read anything I've written in the past. It's all so circumstantial, and what I am guilty of writing doesn't even seem like me. It was a better visit from the past than that other entry anyway.

Eevee618 Hi snookies. You didn't respond to my latest entry, but I thought I would write you a shoutem's anyhow.

Well I guess you make me think that
Love is real
it is not just in novels or in the movies
it is fact, and it is standing here right in front of you
so if you'd open your eyes
oh what a sweet discovery
there is hope, and there is joy, and there is acceptance

So now let all the light that collects on your plants keep you warm, make you smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand to record all the while

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So let it be known to the world that last night I slept for an insane amount of time.
Like 14 hours.
And in the process neglected time that could have been spent with Laura.

I had one of my more emotional dreams ever.
I seldom remember my dreams. Once every month if I'm lucky.
This dream... was even more rare because I understood it.
For some reason it's always springtime/beginning of summer in my dreams when there is a girl involved.

So I am hanging out with Laura and we are in a car, heading to a park or something. I'm telling her how I feel and how miserable it makes me to wake up and have the day be gone... to have the opportunity to see her gone.

I don't remember her saying much, but then it's like she gets a call or text message or something and it's from someone she wants to go meet.

Stories are told about this guy being an ass and how she doesn't like him anymore but wants to see him.

So we go to the park or somewhere, maybe another park, and she goes to talk with him while I just sit in the car.

And that's when it seemed like I was a ghost. A lingering thought from the past, anything but a real person.
She talks to him with a smile I hardly recognize or remember. I feel to blame for all sadness. All misdeeds.

Half an hour, an hour, an entire afternoon. I don't know.
But I sat there, thinking. As usual.

The genious enacts his intelligence, the fool simply keeps it on the shelf.

It seemed like they were severing ties, but Laura had her arms wrapped around him and wasn't letting go without a memory to take back.

I don't know if she ever came back to where I was.
I woke up.

And am now perturbed. And wish I had a cell phone to TM her and say "it's gonna be alright it's gonna be alright it's gonna be alright"

even though no one knows that it is.
Looming darkness on an otherwise sunny day.