desperaterain , 26

or fit in to place
or get grinded down into a shape that will fit the hole.
I miss playing with toys like that.

I miss being able to get it wrong... and get it right in a matter of seconds.

Even more than that I wish I could figure it out.

3:25. Observation.

My sleep schedule is non existent.
When I should be tired I am wide awake.

3:26. Rationalization.

A lack of anything important to live or die by.
A serious questioning on life that does not seem to die down simply by acknowledging the fact there may be no answer.

3:27. It's not really 3:27 yet.

3:27. Now it is. I have this urge to sit in silence until I find out what it is I need to be doing.

3:28. I still need to read more, be stupid and pathetic less.

I finally cleaned my room. ... It was very dirty.
Very cluttered anyway, and if it smelled bad, I was immune to it.

Laura saw it, and to this day she might be the only girlfriend I've ever had to bear witness to my room being clean.


I have 3 classes today. I really only feel like going to one.

3:30. I wish I lived in India, where time doesn't matter as much (at least to those who practice hinduism)[which I would]

I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, and yet more and more I am discovering how inappropriate such a title is for me.

I am the exact opposite of self sufficient.
It's been 3:30 for a long time.
There we go.

.....................
The meaning of just about everything escapes me from time to time.
Subjectivity indeed. I hate it.

I loathe how I can sit in a classroom with 20 other people and think: "God I'm wasting my time with these people"

but if I'm at home alone I think "why am I lonely and without others"

and if I take a harder class to perhaps find intellect among said people, I am immediately beneath them... unable to adapt to the severity of the intelligence differential.

I am too wordy.

3:33. Make a wish.

grow up grow up grow up grow up grow up

grow the fuck up

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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BriZayBriZoke : I had no idea I was so heartless about it at the time. But I used to overdramatize things... probably still do.
But hey... maybe I made up for it? Maybe? I meant for you to post those things. The nice things.
So I could remember what was going on in life.

Yea... I suck. Bad reminder.

Eevee618 : I would have enjoyed you reading yesterdays, all of the past entries.
I don't think I'll have a single word of regret in them.

:)

le_ribena : yes, Laura is eevee.
Why did you think it was a trick?

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this should be you.

With the sense of a banker
and the skill of a tailor
you have saved this life from me
and you have sewn it to beauty
and I am grateful now and I will always be

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Well Tolstoy, I have to confess, I haven't read War and Peace.
I heard some of your philosophies and I liked most of them.
I wish I could have been around... maybe to relate to your sense of lost purpose in life.

It's as if we(the general public) look on the past like life was different.

The general populus might have been incredibly empty and depressed and longing for death in the past as well, but since we invented something we're written down in the history books, and oh what a joyous occasion that year was.

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Life's a trap
it's nothing but a tragedy

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Stuff has been strange between Laura and I.
I guess anything involving me is bound to be strange.
Maybe I'm looking too much into things, but it seems like she wants to still be friends with Jonathan, while he continually lies to me ABOUT her. I just don't understand her not doing something about it. I mean, unless what he says is true. In which case, I'd get over it, but it would still suck.

But I told myself this time would be different, and it is.
The doubt that overwhelmed me close to this time last year isn't having a stranglehold over me.
My selfishness isn't as all-encompassing as it was last year. (Maybe even last week.)

What am I trying to say? ( I don't really know obviously)

I guess, that things are better than expected.

"Now and again, it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate."


Sometimes it feels like I'm imposing my liking on her, and like maybe she never wanted me at all.

Well who am I kidding, 4 years ago take away an email and I don't even know her.

I guess... as long as things work out.

You know me... "always obsessed about the end.
why can't I ever let things happen
and just enjoy the time I've spent"

Sometimes my happiness is clouded because all of my word choices are always negative, doubtful, cloudy, unsure, or overly PC.

I'm happy right now. Relatively.

I don't want to offend the lawn gnome so I'll call him an aesthetic vegetation statuette.

.......... on the complete opposite end of the spectrum...
I think I now finally know.
I'm more afraid of hurting Laura than of her hurting me.

I mean, in my eyes, I've been through the worst.
I saw that worst channel through me last year.
It was disgusting to me now. [:(]

But yea, I guess as long as I am here... and thinking of her... I can't completely screw things up.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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gwenabee683 : - I really don't recall Daniel raising his voice an inkling, maybe he just said it forcefully and I didn't even pay attention.
I mean when it happened, I remember you had a shocked look on your face, but ... yup.
Daniel will be Daniel. And I will be there to laugh. [:-P]

Indeed, it was good times.

le_ribena : You don't live in America, so I can see why you would say "everyone has something to offer that is more than skin deep"; but here, some people don't. It's just... superficiality that consumes everything, everyone; if they let it.

I don't know how we got jabbering about this real me business.
Because it's not the real me. It's this dream I have in my head of who I was and what I could have become and all the great things I could have been on my way to doing.

But none of that happened. Can you tell I hold on to the past much?

If love is magical, then Laura is spectacular because she can do magic card tricks!

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chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOOO CHOOO !!! I have no idea but a train just came and said Hi I like to eat coal, can I use your body as coal?

........
I have come to the conclusion
that I make a horrible boyfriend.

I don't want to say I was genetically predisposed to be alone.
But something about me just drives girls up a wall
specifically, not calling the girl I am going out with.

Part of it was my insecurities. Some of it was the way my brain always tries to be logical instead of spontaneous.
Most of it was my anti-socialness.

It's always easy to sit here and say.. I'm going to smile.. think positively.

But sometimes life doesn't provide adequate room for positive thinking.

I guess I'll call her tomorrow.

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I think some of it is my conditioning. I'm so fucking used to being alone and self-centered.
Too fucking used to it.

And then I'm asked to make sacrifices that I'm just not used to.

But it's like my mind doesn't equate the greater good to be more beneficial than the things one must do to ensure a good relationship.

It's just.. not stoughton. It's not a small city where I didn't have to worry about not seeing the other person because we'd end up running into each other eventually anyhow.

Yea, different city. Different rules.

I was reading my entries from a year ago on here.
I was such a fucking asshole to Laura. I don't know why I was so immature. It just... it really brought me down to see that side of me.

I should have daily reminders of that version of me.
But I don't. I think that's part of narcissism. You don't see what's wrong with yourself, only in others.

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All this negative self-talk is making me wonder why I did go out with her. She asked me one time.
I don't know how to respond. Am I that selfish that I asked her out so that I could be more secure?
No, definitely not. I've accepted my faults long ago.

Maybe I wanted her to help me work on them.
Maybe I just thought love was a possibility.
Yea I remember when I was a romantic.

I think that was why. I don't know.

Let's dive into this.

October 18th. Was it really a monday?

We both liked each other. And I've always wanted to make up for last time.. I think.
It's not like I ever stopped liking her. I just figured she was better off without me.

And maybe she was. I won't know until years from now.

So that's why. Why the first time around?
Intellectual compability, a mutual understanding of depression, her unique form of beauty... but there was always something else.

A mutual benefit from knowing each other, that I now don't know anymore. I used to think I had something to offer, something deeper than skin, but maybe I don't.

On that sad note, I will take my leave.

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Would you save all of your bottles if I promised a refund is gonna come...
well I swear, I swear
it is it is it is it is it is

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BriZayBriZoke : I remember that kiss. It felt forced. I felt like you were repulsed. I felt like you were never going to be the same around me again. So... that's why I said that.

I apologize for being careless with the L word.
I was young and stupid. What can I say? But it's not that it's not true. I still do. You're the only person I know who has dealt with just as much (maybe more) shit than I have. It's just a matter of opinion.

If it doesn't make you emotional, will you quote what I said?
I will write what you said ... sometime.

If it makes you feel better, I don't even count that as our first kiss. Out on the roof was our first kiss. Unless the pool was before that. Was it? My concept of time is all thrown off.

daisyrosegirl : Someone has to be happy. Like Bill Gates. Or ... someone! I like your default settings theory. And it makes sense. We are conditioned to be "normal" and aspire to feel a certain way, and that can be seen as happiness, but everything else we really do feel is a variation from that and we're always changing, but never obtaining that norm for long. And when we do... it's usually unnoticed. Good stuff.

laciespoetry : Me and my roommate and our other friend. Hopefully someone else. But it looks like maybe not. Whatever. Fucking... life. Having to live... and live somewhere.

le_ribena : you're silly. I think we've all been programmed to believe love is some magical exception, when it's not. It is a magical deception. But... I mean.. I guess I should believe in it.

I think you would have liked the real me. Maybe not. I never did.

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DID YOU GET IT
GET IT
SO WRITE IT DOWN