desperaterain , 26

crank
spank
indelible lies of grandeur

I want this stream of information to never end

bring me down to pull me back up

as long as I keep getting closer and closer

GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME

I NEED

something other than music to fill me up.





I've got problems of my own
but ain't the kind that can't be solved with the
atom bomb


GOD I MISS MYSELF, my one true self, my one destiny, my one understanding, my only peace of mind.

It was here, and now I think you stole it from me.

IF I KILL YOU I CAN BUY IT BACK

---

And so once again, my America, my friend

---

le_ribena : Those are good colors. Good reasoning too, I can't really explain why I like blue. It's just... so inviting. (like suicide sort of)

I disappoint everyone everyday in everyway. I say this in a non-assuming way because I have never been shown otherwise.

I got caught by the cops a lot when I was drinking. You know.. 16 with drugs and alcohol.. never good. It really prevented me from being who I wanted to be, those drugs and what not.

Naw, it doesn't creep me out that you would dream about me, or someone and remember my name and associate the two.
Our dreams are our unconscious. A beautiful world where our unconscious flourishes. I would live there if I could.

---

WE GET TOGETHER, OH WE GET TOGETHER
BUT SEPARATE IS ALWAYS BETTER WHEN THERE'S FEELINGS INVOLVED

Yea what they say is
"Nothing is forever"
then what makes
then what makes, then what makes, then what makes
what makes love the exception?

Why-o, why-o- why-o, why-o why are we so in denial?
When we know we're not happy here.

The sun is beating hot again
on the hunter and the fisherman
and I'm trying to remember when but it
MAKES ME DIZZY

feels like I've been here before
seems so familiar
and it feels like I'm slipping
into a dream within a dream
it's the way...
you...
whisper

IT'S THE WAY
YOU
HUNGER

---

Somedays I hate everything
I hate everything
everyone and everything!

---

Uncultured waste of space.
Feeding the disease of ignorance.
Killing the light
drowning the pretty faces.
Kill the inner peace.

---

YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE
AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL

---

Hey everybody.
Everytime I say something back to people.. like a shoutout
I always have to wait until everyone has a chance to respond to make a new entry.
Well.. no longer. If I have stupid shit to rant about
It will be ranted.

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

BriZayBriZoke : I'm dumb as hell. But you knew that right? I mean, I sent out a press release.
I'm not elusive. I'm just anti-social. Or borderline. Or manic-depressive.
I don't know anymore.
I just know I should be happy a lot of the time but feel incapable.

Good CD's there, that you burned. Nic talked to me and told me about a bunch of songs featuring Claypool I haven't heard yet. So I'm on the prowl.

laciespoetry : yea apartments suck. We're getting a house next month.

le_ribena : It was nice of you to say
"I've never been disappointed by your words."
But... I feel like I disappoint myself, and everyone I know in RL everyday.

I said your drunk entries were colorful, and why the hell not, better to write while wasted then not provide a new day to comment on. They are fun.

I don't drink, because I drank too much when I was younger.
I like orange because it is goofy, and green with orange is even more goofy.

But blue is my favorite color. What's yours?

---

Hello.
he.. he.. hello.
.. . . I like
rusty spoons. .

.. . . I must find. . the perfect . spoon.

"Just this baggage I keep carrying on.. as if I had someone."

K - maybe there's a woman somewhere
who's still thinking of me

or a girl with brown hair that dyes it purple-ish
and is haunted in her dreams

well what they've seen
no it wasn't me

it was just some lie they slept beside.

___---____ yea some bright eyes there .. as always

---

My own words seem irrelevant.
Trivial. Meaningless. Trite. Cheap.
Strange. Wrong. Uncalculated. Disappointing.


I feel like I'm lying to myself. And to another.

I can't admit my fears without exposing some sort of ill intention... some sort of shortcoming on my behalf.

I fear that avoiding this issue will lead to my decay.
In both a sense of who I am to you, and who I will be to others in the future.


While on an entirely different issue:
I'm belligerent when all I want is to be serene and happy and kind and warm-hearted.

I remember I called my first girlfriend warm-hearted.
I had a lot of adjectives for her... I wonder if she still reads my notes like I sometimes do hers, and the only other person whose notes I did not tear up.

It's funny how hard it is to learn to love someone, and then afterward how easy it is to hate them.

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

BriZayBriZoke : good stuff there.. APC. I am still more addicted to bright eyes in my current depressed state somehow.
This city has big buildings. I like food. Bye.
laciespoetry : yea I'm in an apartment. It's okay I guess. You have to promise to respond only with thoughtful content if you do respond.
mkay?
le_ribena : you seem very intelligent by your writings, that is you express very intelligent and thought out opinions. (as I think I've previously stated when they are not drunk entries)
but even those are colorful and nice.

I haven't read your journal in a while. Maybe I'll do that as I procrastinate this essay.

My room is white, here in my apartment. Off-white. Because if you paint it, you have to re-paint it when you leave.

But my room in Wisconsin was green and orange. It had a really big spiral of green and orange on one wall and green and orange sponge prints outside of the spiral.
It was neat.

---

I miss color. I need my room to be every color.
Colour.

I miss feeling.
"I have become comfortably numb"
except I haven't.

Being anti-social and introverted and having anxiety problems and whatever else I can't identify, or choose not to; really prevents me from being comfortable at all.

There's always something more productive I could be doing.

Philosophy mid-term tomorrow.


"Isolate and save you from yourself."

That's right. I got the new APC. it's awesome.
Uhm. other than that? I don't know who to trust outside of my home. Why is a dog barking at 10:45 pm?
Loudly? Continually?

This is what drove the Son of Sam to be a homicidal maniac. Well that and being crazy and thinking the dog was talking to him.

I miss comfort.

---

Those living for death will die by their own hand

---

daisyrosegirl : touche smart woman. I added this very thing to my theorum today. I figured ... eating was less important. At least, what we know of eating. It's not eating to sustain life for many Americans, like myself. It's eating to maintain fullness and happiness and re-creating the cycle of problems that keep me down in the hole where everyone can control me. I will respond to your LJ when ... when I gather the words.
Tis horrible. And no, I did nothing to warrant that vandalism. Unless my "girlfriend" lied to me, in which case it's possible I did something without knowing it. When you got your temporary restraining order, what did you have to do?
le_ribena : Hey two-line responder. Lol. I just noticed your last two responses have been two lines.
I think the more I search for meaning, the further I get from it.
But how can I know if I'm getting closer or not if I never find it? Good question Kel in my head.
I wonder if I knew you, if I would discriminate against you.
The reason I wonder, is because every Kelly(kellie) I have ever known has been really dumb. But you are clearly not dumb, so I think you would help me to reverse this stereotype.
Have you ever noticed anything about people named Kyle?

---

Sweet harmony.
Each time I feel it slipping away
it just makes me want to cry
what's so fun about peace, love and understanding?

to admit that there is nothing more in life than working and sleeping and whatever else.

but the first two are what dictates your life.

and somehow that's better than where I am now.