desperaterain , 26

no results.













no results.

Trying to break my mold:
talking to myself, listening to different music, doing drugs, playing instruments, being nice to people, hating people, being overly logical, being overly irrational, having no moderation thereof, dreaming, sleeping, wishing, crying too much, not crying enough, singing (poorly), drawing (shoddy), screaming (with no sense of validation), entertaining interactive flaws, being depressed, being overjoyed, being cynical, believing we have a purpose, believing in a God.

And still finding nothing of any sort to be fulfilling.


Human beings are indeed incredible. We can convince and compliment our beliefs that life is beautiful and everything has purpose; while others can represent and bring us into a world of complete shit.
All without trying. All without reason.

I am incapable of explaining.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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BriZayBriZoke : first I read: "my marriage will be shit and yours will be too."
Thankfully, that's not what you said at all.

But maybe I should never get married. That tends to lead to bitter ex wives and husbands.. which are much worse than bitter ex girlfriends and boyfriends.
I would think.

Completely has nothing to do with this entry. Yea Jon Stewart should win a prize for calling that guy a dick on crossfire.
le_ribena : it's like everytime something good happens to make me think
"dying is dumb and I should wait for mother nature to claim me" ;
something else happens and I start wishing to die again.

Sorry I haven't been a good responder. I suck. I know.
But you have more than enough other readers to keep you happy with responses.
Lucky writer. Feedback up the arse.

............... I should go.

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death seems easier than finding my place in life.

and it is. but it's not as fulfilling.

it's a shortcut to hell. do not pass happiness.
do not learn anything. just.. die. no. not cool. not with me, not anymore.

it's just not the way to go about things.

before yesterday I thought it was all the same.

die today, die tomorrow, die whenever your heart stops beating.

well.. it's not the same.

Pleasures, sins, whatever you want to call them.
They are part of life.

And the best feeling we can offer each other mutually in life is to say: I want to be with you forever, and make your life as fulfilled as it can possibly be.
Yes, marriage. It is a decaying form of love, but it's still beautiful in my eyes.

and that's all I want to know and feel right now

ps. kel - everclear is a strong alcohol. very high alcohol concentration. I've never tried it. Don't care to now.

I am still somewhat shocked.
Very confused.
Crushed emotionally. Drained mentally.

My brain has been chasing this order of events around tirelessly and endlessly.

I'd take pictures, but I would stare at them endlessly.
I just went outside and sat down and stared at my broken rear windshield for an hour, maybe longer.

Someone slashed all of my tires and threw a bottle of Everclear through my rear windshield.

....

I don't have enemies. There is only one person I know that would do it.
They claim they didn't and were out of town.

The fact that none of the other cars were touched suggests some form of specific purpose.

Why not break my headlights? Why not put sugar in my gas tank? Why break only one window?

Why choose my car out of all of them to fuck with?

I either want to die so that I don't have to deal with shit like this anymore, or kill the person that did it/that I think did it so that I can be over it.

"been over this before"

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executions will commence
sides will not matter now
but it makes no sense

how did a difference
become a disease?

I'm sure you have reasons
a rational defense
weapons and motives
a lot of fingerprints

- Fugazi, argument