desperaterain , 26

I want to divulge my soul to you.

You can tell me why there is a hole in it.

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My intellectual thought processes right now consist of these two topics (with random tangents unable to ever be written down):
the ethical philosophy of religion. what kind of ethics does our God have (christianity, islam, judaism) if everyone who does not believe in the correct God is going to hell?

It is impossible to believe that we have free choice of religion.
If I was born in the middle east, there is a very slim chance of being christian.
likewise there is a slim chance I could be born in the western world and be islamic.

our cultural upbringings could have the greatest control, if not complete dictatorship, over our religion.

Just the concept that the Christian God could accept the percentage of those who have accepted Jesus into heaven and no one else is greatly disturbing to me.

We are taught tolerance, but it's all thrown out the window by our God?

this contradiction seems.. cruel, unjustified...


the other topic you ask?
How can Les Claypool be so amazing on bass?
It seems to defy reason. He is my idol (not a false one, you christian nay-sayers). He is... unbelievable!

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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BriZayBriZoke : you are in no way my friend. where would you even get that idea?

Just kidding. You know I care on some level that isn't quite deep or meaningful. -Just my personal view on how much we can truly care for someone who lives across the country. Not to mention how I have absolutely, positively no inclination to ever go back to Wisconsin.
And yet I think I see it as fact that I will return someday.
The problem is.. I keep thinking next year. If not next year, the year after... if not then ... then maybe when I'm 26. And you see the dilemma.

So seriously, you totally lied your ass off in that comment.
You said you try to get up with little time to get worried or stressed.

Did you re-read your LJ and DJ entries? Why are you like this? Why is there a need for happiness on one, but the complete contradiction on the other? (If you're at all like me, you enjoy it for the sheer irony, and that is sick and morbid.)
Was Nic the first person you ever really loved?
Was he everything and nothing by being that?
Because... my first means nothing to me now. She became someone else the day she cheated on me. I know now it is part of human nature and while I can't help but feel to blame, I know at some point she decided I was not worth it.
And that hurts. But even more so, it shows the kind of person she is.

Sorry for twisting everything around to me.
I just want to help you to realize what you need to - in order to find your true happiness... so that your LJ entry is all that is true.
It seems sad and cliche to say, if it was real, he will come back.
But it is true. If he loved you as much as you did him, he will realize it; he will remember how great it really was with you.

You can't hold it against him, you can't be angry at yourself. I don't want to say to get over it, just appreciate it and ... try to remember how you got there.
Love is fickle and I hate its absence very much so.

feversxmirrors :
hehehe eventually you will master the art of throwing together an essay. My first real college essay - he said no one would get an A. I got a B+ (highest grade in the class) and I had written it the night before.

The fact I misspelled Oprah as Opera probably had a lot to do with it. (3 am makes all forms of self-editing a complete waste)

I am jealous of your routine. I wish I could sleep on a regular schedule.

Don't be sad, get glad! Eternal sunshine is all about romance... but it really opens your eyes to how stupid we can be about it. I just can't say much bad about the movie. I think it will open your eyes and make you think differently. And then you won't be depressed because of Jim Carey and Kate Winslet's fake love that seems too perfect to be true, because it is. Oh if I only had a Kate Winslet. Except, it's really fucking scary to hear her commentary because of her british accent. She plays an American way too fucking well.

le_ribena : I think there are no better terms to form a friendship on than mutually wanting to be good friends. I somewhat desire to go to New Zealand (when I am a rich chauvinistic entrepreneur here in the future) just because of you!

I would make you laugh at me, all the time. Because I'm so damn American and ignorant. Hahaha look at Kyle he's stupid and doesn't know how to play tiddlywinks. But if he could change his middle name it would definitely be Tiddly. Not Winkly. Nope definitely not.

I miss your wisdom from your entries. Usually you throw something simply wonderful... something to make me say... look she was happy about that... I should be happy about.. well.. EVERYTHING!

And I should be.

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I like rusty spoons.

I feel stuck in this adolescent stage of
"everything sucks and I have no purpose because there is no purpose other than momentary happiness"

like everyone is just kidding themselves
a sort of pragmatic existence that is truly depressing to those who still hold all of time to be within the grasp of our control. Maybe not the past... but the future.

Our love is true because it is beneficial for us to believe that it is true.
Not because it actually is love, but because it's so much more useful to believe as such than to disbelieve

I don't have any good friends online. The one or two that I do have I don't get to talk to like I feel I once did.

Either they have finished reading everything I have to say or will ever say
or maybe I am tired of being forced to talk to them through a keyboard.

they might make me laugh but it's not the same as laughing with each other face to face

nothing is the same. nothing makes sense anymore.

---

it rained last night.
and then hailed.
thundered forcefully enough to set off someone's car alarm.
or maybe that was the hail.

and then it rained that morning.
and then I went to philosophy at 4 to try to convince myself I am not insane

and then I came home and let my mind decay the rest of the night instead of prepare it for mid-terms

and I don't know what tomorrow will consist of

but I'm not going to assume it will be bad, no matter how much my "intuition" or "foresight" says it will be
(I obviously have neither as I half-what expected the packers to win tonight)

tomorrow has an equal chance of being wonderful or horrible. awesome or lame. good or bad.

and despite that possibility, probability and real life are something entirely different.

the probability of tomorrow being bad because I probably won't sleep well and won't have a good night sleep to awaken to tells me it has much more than 50% chance of being bad.

the actuality of tomorrow could be the apocalypse.
I don't feel good about my time left on this earth.

be it 1,3,5,10 years.
that's not enough.

I don't want to be around for the apocalypse because I don't see it as fair that I should have anything but the rest of my life to decide whether or not the bible is correct.

To decide whether any of it matters.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
I always conveniently forget everything that matters the most to me.

somehow apathy has claimed my lust for life
vitality
energy
will power
love
friendliness
hopefulness


potential?

it was on your doorstep that day
and you said you were busy
and that there just wasn't enough time
between getting high and sleeping in
and being with your mom to convince her you're not going to kill yourself, you're not a psychopath and that you still have a brain that works.

Rather than earn trust, you decided to abuse it
so your stocks went down
the company started to doubt your leadership skills
and a business coup d'etat will ensue
love fails because you are too involved at rebuilding your work
your wife leaves you
your kids hate you for not going to their baseball games
and all of a sudden you are living the american nightmare
it's not starving on the street and being no one
it's losing it all and knowing how great it once was

the final decline of happiness that you know won't come back, and if it does
you won't be young enough to appreciate it

you went for the kill and you got killed yourself

sometimes trying is enough
sometimes dying is just too much to ask

and where that leaves me is some gray area that the laws do note account for.

There is always this problem of conforming, endlessly knocking inside my skull hoping to get inside my mind.
Just baaah to the rhythm that everyone else does.
But I am that opinion that stirs you the wrong way
and I am the fat you've never seen in the mirror
waiting to gain weight to pull you down

I am working toward my self destruction ever so slowly


AND I WANT SOMETHING TO MAKE SO MUCH SENSE IT MOVES ME INTO THE LIGHT

it seems like everytime I dwell on my concept of happiness
I arrive at the same answer

be more selfish
acquire more material goods
[cell]be more deceptive
[/cell]
[cell] be shallow
and don't forget your fucking superficiality
but please do forget your goddamn lack of a God
a saving grace
[cell] a person who cares and empathizes
[/cell]
and quite possibly understands



I don't know.
There's no point. Just a place for people to read and say humm interesting, we care so much that we're going to type something.

Or they don't and never type a goddamn thing because I have not been exclusively striving upon any of the things mentioned above.

Of all the things that are contained in this life, is there nothing sane that leaves you feeling fulfilled?
Time has a natural tendency to do this, but.. it's not the same.


Once again, I have no idea.