desperaterain , 26

I am only quoting some of the song, mostly the pertinent parts that pertain to me... or maybe if it's just cool. Or maybe a collaboration of all the bright eyes I listen to while typing this.

"Well the big surprise was televised
on a crowded couch
their eyes grew wide and wet
oh was it really such a sad event?

you can capture this with camera clicks
but it don't exist
just light on negatives

another number on a birthday cake
you should act your age."

---

Sometimes... people don't know it... but they are beautiful.
Kind and light hearted and... just beautiful.
I wish I could paint a picture of it for you.
The carefree love. The responsible - unrepressed - caring yet not obsessive - observative but not staring - curious but not prying

---

"I met a man
a mannequin
who stood so still
I know he was afraid
and he preferred a place of permanence over the awful guessing game of choice and change"

---

So yup. I'm catching up to you Kel. 19 now.
yea it was my birthday yesterday.. the 30th of september.
and..... and... my roomate got me the dvd of
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
And just in case Emily reads this... am I old enough for you now?
I have a crazy go nuts beard so most people think I'm like 24. But this is not the case.
kekekekeke

That was said jokingly, don't be like.. all weirded out.
BESIDES
I have a dollar. And... it's nice and flat and wrinkly.
And I like to rub it with my salad fingers.

---

"Maybe it's me who's this unstable
Always obsessed about the end
Why can't I ever let this happen
and just enjoy the time I spend?
Oh I wish it was that easy
but there is no point to anything!
You know it gets a bit confusing
Why it is that I keep going?
Why is it that we keep going?"

---

RESPONDsenses

Kel: uhm. I was talking to the emotion.
A name? Would we not love the sweet smell of a rose if it was called by any other name?
I am just... reopening myself to the idea of it.
However improbable it may be that I find it again...
it is quite the hopeful and joyful stance I take, that it is out there.
That I am not the only one... and that... maybe she is.
We'll find out!

Dear Love:

I know I have been on haitus for no good reason.
I'm trying again.
I just ... don't want this comfort to turn into discomfort.
It's so easy... it happens without trying.
Without noticing.. until you sit down, realize you have no money, need to pay for college, need to ... live. Need to still care for yourself and satisfy another.
It is a juggling act I am not acustom to in my selfishness.

But.. those are all legitimate fears.
Before.. they seemed irrational or illegitimate or something.

All I know...
is I'm back.
[cell]
--- So good to see you once again
I thought that you were hiding from me ---
___ You thought that I had run away
Chasing the trail of smoke and mirrors ___

im afraid if I keep looking for something to say
it will come out
and be the exact opposite of beauty and meaning and everything I look for.

Love doesn't come in a minute
sometimes it doesn't come at all

---

Bryn wins. I haven't heard it. And it's a good tool song.
It's a long song too.

Silly Love Songs - Tool.
Or so it is believed.

I wonder if they ever played it live.

Well then now. Kel is awesome.
I mean... what's going on Kel?
What's there to know about me?
I think I posted one time everything there was to know.
Maybe you were outa town or something. I'll have to double check my sources on that post, cause it is largely possible that I never did make such a post...
But that wouldn't stop me from claiming I did.
---- Okay so I checked my sources and there was a getting to know you session on the 17th. It wasn't very interesting and definitely strayed from the topic of getting to know me, so I guess it doesn't even count if you did read it. So feel free to ask any question you wish.

UHhh I was going to say to you Kel that you look like this actress.
Julie Delpy. She was in waking life - a wonderful movie.
That I need to buy.

But yes, she was on Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO.
I guess she is actually french(born in Paris) and just talks with an amazingly british accent and yet I dunno.

You'll have to record yourself talking and I can confirm whether or not you two are really the same person.
Except she doesn't have a nose ring and it is debatable as to whether or not she has as cool of musical taste.

---

I've been listening to Pete Yorn. He is awesome.
Check it - che che check it out.
What wha wha what's it all about?

"it's a seven eleven
do you wanna take a walk outside?
if you want a burrito, you can have another bite of mine
it can last you forever
if you're not waiting for the call
Come on over tonight
Come over this morning
Momma says you only fall in love once.

And you can leave here tomorrow
You know you wanted to have more
And they were looking for answers
and if you never have them, score
and you can watch it forever
just sitting in the store

Come on over tonight
Come over this morning
Momma says you only fall in love once"

---

Editing world of edit land of edit my life

So if you go to college or high school, you already know me.
I am the kid you see in school doing weird compulsive things like play with my ear
constantly move my fingers, be lost in some crazy train of thought, be grabbing the skin near my eye brow, be stretching an arm or muscle as if it hurts when really my mind is just making sure it still works or something

I walk around singing to myself
I talk to myself in broken sentences
it's not love...
love's not logical.. it's an emotion
we can't arrive at it through logic
it's not fate
fate is too depressing
it's something like chance
with a sense of irony
... time goes by
and then you die
and right now is the best time of my life
and yet it's so empty
why is it empty?
what can I change?
who knows?

A short segment on the politics I love

Yes I know my enemies
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me
Compromise
Conformity
Assimilation
Submission
Ignorance
Hypocrisy
Brutality
The Elite

ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS
Rage Against the Machine w/ Maynard J. Keenan - Know Your Enemy

---

Still and breathless
Still I want more
Who cares what's behind?
Still your passenger

Chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses

Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive... FASTER!!!!

ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares? who sees anything?
I'm your passenger...
Deftones w/ MJK - Passenger

---

How ignorant could I be, to not realize music had become me?

I wish my conversations had melodies..
I wish my phone calls had choruses
I wish my silence had ambience
I wish my mania had synthesizers
I wish my brain was a symphony
more than a tape player

No wonder I hate emotions so much. When they win, all forms of logic lose.

It's like wanting to throw progress to the wind and see how far from comfort drugs can take you.

Something more to the effect of truly not wondering about life anymore. Just waiting.

I have had thoughts off and on about whether I am looking for someone, or waiting.
I know no one is looking for me.

I am an open book. - Already turned to the last page.
There is only so much randomness within the depression.
As much of it as there is happiness. As much of that as there is an escape.

I just can't explain.

On a side note - the new Chevelle album is pretty good, from what I have heard.

---

Shoutouts to people who thought pictures were fun

---

BriZayBriZoke : you suck for waking up. I couldn't wake up and missed school
clickthis : Camera time = fun time ... todayborday is a-laborday. And even if your acoustic doesn't love you, someone else must!
daisyrosegirl : Yea of course, story of my life.
If I was thinner, if I was less ugly, if I was older, if I was younger, if I had more friends, if I was depressed less, if I didn't do drugs, if I did do drugs, if I was anyone but myself.
le_ribena : thanks. Yea I figured I somewhat owed it to you to allow you to know who was talking to you... as opposed to this faceless form I have always held.

---