desperaterain , 26

I take note of your every behavior.
Like a scientist studying an animal on the course of extinction.
In reality, I am on the brink of my demise.
I should think anyone not comfortable within the grooves of reality's routine is a little insecure about their life being maintained without continual focus on what needs to adapt.

- You are short with words
- You are quick to escape into the real world
- You are well suited for talking about various things
- You state yourself when you need to, not because you have the compulsion to

Just so many things to take note of.
So many things to improve on.
So much to remember and keep track of.

Really don't know where to start.

I wonder if anybody still listens to portishead.
I do.

Such a long response ... I am happy and yet depressed at the same time.

Where am I? Who am I?
What makes me the way I am?
Why do I ask pointless questions? Why can't I just be happy with where I am?

I know the answer to them all... So why not answer them.
Not like anyone will read/care/protest.

I am in a stage of unknowing occupancy. I am here, and here, and there, and gone, and missing. I am in everyone's mind.. asking them to end existence. Pleading for them to bring change or death.

I am some sort of stranger. I am known, but only to a certain extent. Soon, very few people... if only one, will be true in saying they know my tendencies.
They know my obscure facts of self concept.
Then again.. none of us know ourselves. We don't know how we would react becuase we haven't been pressed with the choice yet.

What makes me the way I am? Being cheated on. Not feeling like I deserve to live, but living anyway. Feeling superior while convincing myself I am inferior. High to low. Low to high. Seeking positive reinforcement. A mirror to bounce compliments off of. A smile to love, a laugh to love. A gigantic gaping hole where these things once were.

Why do I ask so many pointless questions? Because the point is both subjective and objective, and whatever it is to you may not be important or true if the objective is ignored.

Why can't I just be happy with where I am?
I am not locked in grooves of routine. I am locked in inconsequentiality. I'm not gone yet. But I'm not fully here.

---

A session of getting to know you, a-la Kel.

I read your entry that no one responded to. A few times.
Thought I had responded... but apparently closed the window without posting it. Or something.
But whatever remorse I had for you, for posting and having no responders when normally you have 14; it was only because I know I have posted for days on end with no one saying anything. Probably not even reading it.


I am already off to college. It's the equivalent of being on my own and not having to deal with parental shit.
(You're older than me, remember)

I pay for things by working... lol. I work in construction... but am applying to McDonalds. Despite how "not good" it is for you... everything is that way.
The SuperSize movie could have been made about Taco Bell, Wendy's (sorry), anywhere.
You eat fast food for 30 days straight 3 times a day and find out what it does to you.
Seriously. I think he just chose McDonalds because people just go there and eat and don't think about what they are putting in their bodies.


Random movie rant.

As for the US being self-centered. It is not only our media policy, but our foreign policy. We control this half of the hemisphere, and everything that happens everywhere else... you people are on your own.
It makes sense to have such a foreign policy, but when you get a Bush in office that tries to alienate some of our Western allies... you see that eventually it could be that we are all on our own.

It's not that people don't care about what's going on everywhere else. It's that we have problems within our country to the degree that many feel we would be overbearen to take them into consideration.

One example: a gang war. These people have to fight to survive, much less care about politics or economic stability. Or where New Zealand is.

I think the US still bases it's opinion of being the best on our roots, rather than the current picture of the world.
I think if we would look to other countries as examples rather than as "foreign ways of life" .. we could learn a lot.

My rent is 700$ a month. So like 350 each.

You said you weren't afraid to die

---

I'm waiting for Kel to update. But she is neglecting to. So blah.
homework 1/2 done
it's 1 am
I'm ahead of schedule.
LOL

Gotta take my sleeping pills.
Gotta read.
Good reading. I'm surprised.
My 102 professor is awesome, he just uhh.. I dunno.
He's tough on grammar and I'm awful.
I think I have a lot of past/present agreement issues in my writing.
For instance, I am pretty sure this is incorrect:
"A concept that really changed my understanding of communication was pertaining to our creation of identities."

I don't know whether to change it to "communication pertains to our creation of identities"

because then you have past tense in "changed" and present tense in "pertains"

So I might have it correct and it just seems awkward.
That happens a lot. Like hung. Other than like.. a pornstar being hung, which is slang...
No one has ever been hung... it's just incorrect.

Kinda like our bastardization of everything. Every word.
Judgement. [;)] I'm wondering if it's spelled that way in the bible ... like God can add e's... so why can't we?

Maybe the two are supposed to remain distinct, but no one cares anymore.

Let the definitions slur into a melting pot like our nation.
I love different cultures... they are so fun to embrace.
It's just... it's not easy to understand another's way of life. Rather - it is easy- we are just stubborn to our own way of life.
-Rather - We easily judge their way without really living it or appreciating it.

Why do you think the whole world hates the US?
Because we think we are the best. I'm sure a few people have honestly flourished in other countries and agree that we have it the best, but that doesn't mean we have the right to belligerence and bigotry.

---

So I saw my apartment today. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, an outside porch, a fireplace, refrigerator, washer/dryer, toaster (I brought it), microwave. (the rest was included)
My roomy already has his bed in there and a TV
I'm bringing those two things tomorrow and signing the residency papers tomorrow.

I think it will be a lot of fun.
I think I will learn a lot.

Maybe I can meet a girl and actually say
"Hey wanna come back to my place?"

:)
LOL
Sex on the brain... what can I say.
You try not having it for like a friggen... year... and some odd months and not thinking about it.

You start missing it. Wondering if you would still be good at it. Wondering if you'll ever be good at it again.

Is it like riding a bike? HELL NO! So there are no guarantees is all I'm saying.


I'm going to read Country of the Blind by H.G. Wells.
Brilliant!