desperaterain , 26

[cell]
You cried but no one came
and the water filled your tiny lungs
appear my dear, and sing to me
it was six years ago today
that we laid you in your grave
your sweet young skin was shining then too

So tonight to celebrate
I will
I will poison myself too
Another coffin she can fit into a bathroom that is spinning
And I close the door
And I rest my head on the tile floor
Sickness and sleep, you are turning me cold

And I'm still not sure
Is there some better place I should be heading towards?
Where the selfishly sick and self-absorbed
are welcome

I saw the future once
I was drunk in a phone booth
My eyes were wet and red
but I could not tell what was said
and through the screams of the traffic
the voices carried
saying "I'm sorry"

On a day so gray it's black inside
Watching churches on TV
In a coma you don't dream
You just hope that someone sits with you
Babies turn blue when they're ignored
Like a sky on summer days
I was gonna turn and walk away
BUT IT CHANGED ME

SO TONIGHT TO COMPENSATE
I WILL
I WILL poison myself
Another coffin
SHE CAN FIT
IN A BATHROOM
in a bathroom that is alive

---

[/cell]Bright Eyes - Padraic My Prince
[cell]
No matter how I may wish for a coffin so clean
there is pain and growth to prolong life's dream

Diving back in to some form of intellectual thought, here we go.

We see the disease of cancer, cells inexplicably not doing what they are supposed to, and soon other cells see their apathy for living and take to it as well.
What if the universe is not expanding?
I mean, where is there for it to expand to? Did that space not already exist if it is expanding into it?

Like the quantum physical particles of an atom, and like the nucleus of an atom itself, we know there are particles moving and reacting in a vast empty space.

Is this vast empty space not similar to the vast emptiness that separates every galaxy in the universe? Is this smaller scale an accurate representation of the "larger" universe?

If so, is our world a nucleus? Are we all forces that serve specific duties in prolonging the life of this one atom that we know, our universe?

Perhaps there are other planets, in other dimensions that we don't see, because we have no comprehension of how they could be there.
Like the ships the natives saw when Christopher Columbus came... they were invisible because no one knew what a ship was.

And in this relationship, we see that our purpose is to understand how we are all related, how our universe(atom){cell} is helping the larger entity... perhaps our concept of God.

Until the cancer spreads. And the reason for cancer is exposed as a flaw of universal nature, and nothing associated to our existence. It is just the microcosm within us of our entire universe dying in the same manner.

We don't consciously try to destroy the Earth, but it happens. We try to prevent it, but are powerless.
Until one day the Earth will die.
These other places, dimensions, fundamental atoms or cells; won't know why... but their will to live will suddenly cease to be as well.
[cell].................

The death of many..
leads to the death of more.

Sleep will come.
I can predict it.

Moving out is upon me.

Only a few more days until the real world hits me smack in the face.
I will probably start working at McDonalds.
I will also probably start worrying about things I actually need to concern my life with, rather than things that are of no consequence.

Yea we need to fix the oceans and the forrests, but where will I sleep next month?

-Thought progressions similar to that.

I don't really feel like testing my sleeplessness tonight.
I need to go learn math and display my exemplary skills in it tomorrow morning.
And then pretend like my Philosophy professor is anything but insane and addicted to diet pepsi.
I can't blame him.

I guess I'll go talk to my TV

One oclock
better sleep

won't be able to...
what can I do?

It's heavy again... the world. Tomorrow. My own weight. Needing an unidentified something.

I'll be moving out soon, I guess.
I hope I make it. I hope everything goes better than what is expected.

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and maybe wind up somewhere in the middle."

I wonder when everyone else is planning on dying.

"Believe what everyone else tells me is true...
YA THEY SAY IT'S TRUE"

Sometimes I wish I could cry myself to sleep.
Wake up - maybe not feel sad anymore - but at least then I would know how to sleep. And that, for me, equals victory.

"And time's not poison
but once you drink it all, you'll die
So let's just sip it real slow
Yea we can nurse it all night
Try to believe that once it's gone
We'll pour another round
We'll come back to life"

and they'll be laughing
LIKE HAHAHAHA

And the moon she leaves me silver
but never never never never sleep
and then the silver turns to gray





I saw a movie tonight.
What the bleep do we know?

It was quite good.
Very mind-nuturing in way only two other movies I've seen have been.

I can't describe the movie, don't even care to recount what happened within the movie.
All I know is that it opened my mind, and served as a great tool to identifying character flaws in myself, and in society.
I deplore you to see this movie.

I went with a girl who was 23, and it wasn't until inside the movie that I realized she was close to the age of my sister.

She was nice... but I am a horrible friend-maker and I don't know how to get back into the real world anymore.

I know a lot of it has to do with how much I depend on this stupid computer for attention and conversation.

I understand now what it's like to wish one other person was on and when they're not being dissatisfied.

It's the process of checking my journals over and over, several times a day. Even though I don't bother to post anything new on them, I keep checking in hopes anyone will say something.

I started this very cycle a few months ago. It caused me to leave the internet-journal realm... in a vain attempt at re-establishing the real world around me.

So writing is my release and somehow satisfies my addiction to something.
So let's figure out what that is.