desperaterain , 26

college is fun.
I like smart people.

Not quite as mind-numbingly stupid as high school.
AND! There is the possibility that my mind could implode from the strenuous workload and amount of knowledge I will undoubtedly have to withhold.

I welcome the challenge. ARE YOU ASKING ME TO A CHALLENGE?!

TRANSPOSE! OR STOP YOUR LIES!!!

I finally got all the deftones albums. I'll have to burn them all and indulge.

I have always enjoyed Chino's ability to scream. Because I can't.

I have wanted to scream for so long now. Lash out.

Anyone have tips on how to scream? (for those that are voice box impaired?) I don't even know what it is that prevents me from screaming. Like my vocal chords just refuse.

Some people only experience it in short intervals.
Their brain gets a chance to sort things out in those waning moments that their company is diminished to none.
I live with it every moment of every day.
Even when someone is around... it's like we're on different planes of existence.

Speak more clearly. Listen better. Dwell on death less.


I feel the weight of the world pressed against my eyes.
Open or closed.
I feel every living thing inside of me.
Happy or sad.
I can't calm the angst.
No matter what size of knife cuts into it.
I gave up and live with it.
Pills don't help either, they just make me believe I'm not who I am.

Uh, making sense. I start school tomorrow.
Yea I'm nervous. I just hope I wake up on time.

I am really lonely. But... I shouldn't admit that.

I like the sound that ice will make when your glass is full
and your hand can't help but shake
I'm not sure what is left to say
now that dinner's done
and the sun's been put away
I guess it makes sense you should leave
but you look so cute with your hair attached to me
I hear the minutes tick their songs
you should grab that hand
and learn how to hold on
to something
Just laugh at the ending

How comfortable the silence is.

Like the circular motion of a clock
we force feed ourselves the same nurishment
but thirst for something deeper
and every passing hour makes us remember or forget
what we need want or regret



I'd continue with that. But no.

Let us retreat to the room.

so let's see

we have this newly announced APC album coming out November 2nd so that everyone who likes APC can vote against Bush.

You know like 3 weeks ago I thought I was a hardcore liberal or something and that's just not true.

It is picking the lesser of two evils, but what happens when you're choosing between Satan and the Anti-Christ?

To quote Bill Hicks
"Would you like to choose the puppet on the left? Or the puppet on the right?

Hey wait, it's the same man holding both of them up!"

And it's so true.

But setting politics aside, Colonel Claypool's Bucket of Bernie Brains (C2B3) is releasing their album on September 21st. 9 days before my birthday. :)

To coincide with this birthday present, Les Claypool has decided to grace my city with his presence. This is amazing as per no one ever comes to Albuquerque. He is set to perform on October 23rd.

Not to be left out of this musical awesomeness that is upcoming, is the Skinny Puppy. They will be here a week before Les on October 16th.

Not only is it amazing these bands are coming at all, but it is awesome that they will be performing on weekends.
IE days I don't have school.

Music really does make my life seem worth living, but then when my dad goes and says one thing, but then gets pissed about it later... that sends all my happiness packing.

Gah. I will just have to quote him word for word until he remembers. But he's stubborn like me so, whatever.

I was going to jam with David tonight, but ... now I feel like dying instead.

may angels lead you in.


So uhm
I had a dream about this girl about two months ago.
And I talked to her on the phone tonight because I happened to run into her at Guitar Center.

And in the midst of our talking, of course it is exposed.
She has a boyfriend, he's 22, she met him after she met me, etc, etc.

I told her I was cool with it, and that it was a good thing that she had a boyfriend, not a bad thing.

I always kinda wondered if she liked me but she told me.

Blah. Oh well. I guess it's kind of typical for this to happen to me.

We discovered that love/relationships are the best when you can convince each other that it will last forever.
Even if we're 18 and it is practically a fact of life that it will end sooner than later.
It's still better to create the illusion that we'll love one another forever than to actually accept it doesn't matter.

And yea. I'm back to square one.
And to think I haven't really given up yet.

It's not like I'm being shot down in my attempts, they don't even progress to that point, to be considered an attempt.

And I think I never learned how to "properly" ask a girl out... I think I've always accepted if they liked me it would happen, and we've all become so pressed for time that our windows of opportunity have shrunk drastically.


I love listening to people talk about how they met their current boyfriend/girlfriend because it gives me hope that it can happen... in a variety of ways. But it always seems to start quickly... and I don't understand that. It's like we're so alone that we need that void to be pacified... whereas I just think if we waited a while longer, most relationships would be a lot better off.


I like to listen to them talk about the first time, because the other person was still a stranger... and neither of them knew whether they would be wonderful or dull... stupid or smart... like the first time you listen to a CD, you don't know if you'll love it or hate it, but it sure is shiny in it's new case with artwork.


So there it is. I don't know what to make of it.
I am not the type to wait around for someone. Call it fate, call it what you will, it just means something that she found someone else after we had gotten to know each other.

Basically, I am reassuring myself that I'm not going to go out with her after she's gone out with someone whom she described to be very much like me.

"With one hand high
you'll show them your progress
you'll take your time
but no one cares"

No one cares.