desperaterain , 26

Ever since you left
I've been here

Waiting for someone like you to come into my life

Did you blast off some dynomite in my heart before you left?

Or was the hole you had nestled into just that deep, that it has taken this long, and will take longer, to fill that gaping emptiness more than halfway.


The day you left, I cried
Just a few days ago I cried again
but it wasn't because you were gone
It was because I was gone.

And I understood, finally
that you can't love someone who isn't the same person

But sometimes
Something goes wrong
the words get lost

A mumbling occurs

And all that was made to be understood
Is clouded by a confusing collection of meaningless letters formed side by side
sidebysidelikealinewithoutprogressiveunderstanding


I just want life to make sense
I want the flow of it to go my way
but maybe that's just too much to ask

Because life flowing at all requires some sort of river or water-like motion

When the truth may very well be that chaos is all that surrounds us, a random sequence of events that sometimes collide or seem to relate..

When all that's there is what has always been.

I think I'm losing my mind.

If I haven't gone crazy already.


Which is purely a matter of debate. For my halves are not equal, and the lines between all of me are not clearly defined.
REDEFINE

How to appeal to you...

How to reel you in like a fish... with my shiny new piece of bait.

How did I acquire such an effective deception?
Years of practice. Yes, I lie awake at night, contemplating how to make you like me more.

---

Alright, so the introduction is done.
I'll try to stop the massive outpour of sarcastic, useless thoughts now.


Things are going to change in my life. For instance, my grades in school. Also changing: my opinions on the meaningfulness of life, my sleeping habits, my depression, my neurosis, my constant compulsion to see what death brings, my near constant compulsion to sleep all day everyday, my anal-retentive tendencies, my close minded nature, my concept of love, my overwhelming overweight obesity, a weakness I've felt since birth, this weakness I fight right now.

All of it. Consider it a winner-take-all war. I'm going to kill one of the four of me.

I don't really know if there are 3 other people that coincide in my body, but I am assuming there is at least one other. If it is nothing other than a manifestation of my own emotions, so be it.

And now I am embarrassed for my own honesty. I remember in 11th grade, a peer told me that I was too honest. As if it was a fault. A mistake on my personality's behalf.

Well I don't know about that. But I do know that when it comes down it, humanity has many reasons to feel ashamed.

To be able to forget these reasons, and move on into a future with universal love and friendship... that's where I want to be when I wake up.

Sweet dreams naive dreams.