"I'll miss you!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKdsTKE6Izs&feature=player_embedded

Celldweller is spectacular.

---

"With nothing useful to say and no one to listen to it.
Filling the deep with the pain I slowly sink into it.
Consider questionable things to try to get me through it.
I've tried to push it away but I always give into it.
Long for the taste of the rain that finally helps subdue it
and washes this all away."

I am so indecisive sometimes.

I know where it stems from...

life.


I've been conflicted about suicide for as long as I can remember.

I'm not a monster, but I often feel like one.
My minor mistakes snowball into depression converts into a needing to be needed transforms into seeking validation from others that I am as terrible as I imagine myself to be.

As soon as I press the brakes, I'm better. I might even have some assemblance of self worth and happiness.

I shouldn't need this anymore.

I told you to leave me alone, classic rejection reaction.

I wanted to die, classic hopelessness in the face of adversity, even as mild as mine is.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what happened to the person looking back. Sometimes, I don't recognize him.
Sometimes I wonder how that could be the same person looking back at me as yesterday.

This rollercoaster of emotions is rather pathetic.

Lazy & uninspired, in the land of opportunity.

What dreams I have, I gave away to others, hoping with their skill sets they can achieve what I couldn't.


I have an artistic vision, but it's piss poor.
It's deluded, it's contrived, it's influenced by the dredge I've associated with.

The darkness isn't consuming, only permanent.

You know that a lot of this is true
and a lot of this isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself.

"Fixated on these memories
like a prisoner inside a cell."


There must be a purpose for me
even if it's pointless & absurd
if it matters to me
I'll do it.

I have to, eventually.