just thinking about feeling better sends shivers down what you would call a spine.

I forsake any notion that I still have one.

I don't believe in anything anymore, least of all myself.

For this, and my lack of knowing myself,
my lack of choosing what to be,
I lose.

And once you lose, maybe you subconsciously choose to continue losing.

Until something, I don't know what, a catalyst of sorts comes and changes you.

Or maybe you wake up from years of depression to realize there's nothing wrong.
It's just you.
Staring in the mirror, twitching from time to time
wishing the voices would say something nice.

But I never understood where they came from,
and so my feeling is that you might as well prepare the obituary...

preorder the cremation if you want to get a good deal.


I don't know what ever kept me going thus far
and it seems like the only constant anymore.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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daisyrosegirl : there is your update, and I thank you for saying feel better, but there no silver lining in this cloud

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When in need of self-disgust, refer to the above.

If only the hate could fuel me...
I'm just too lost to care.