essencexofxtear , 23

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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KraZii_BlueZ : What you're going to do is take your hand and point out where you live.. Do you do it palm up or down? I do mine down cuz it's easier to show since i'm from the center of the thumbnail. And the thumbnail is a pretty good representation of Huron County. But the girl at the mall did palm up.
pink_dreams : And that is why you don't go to the mall alone.

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It looks like it's gonna storm. That's ok though. I like storms.

I was on Facebook the other night in the "I can point out my hometown of my hand" group or one like it, and someone had a link posted about the Michigan accent. I never really thought Michigan had an accent, but apparently they do. Michigan Accent Its about the only place where you can buy Faygo pop and Vernors. And you know what "Sherbert" ice cream is. Yes, i'm well aware that there is no second r in sherbet ice cream I seriously miss Faygo pop though.. Where i live in Illinois, you can find it at some ghetto gas station and some other place i guess. Neither of which i know where they are.

It's a good thing i filled out a dependent verification worksheet while my parents were here doing some maintenence work on my sister's condo. I got one from CLC (College of Lake County). I figured i was going to since any college i was looking at required it. So i guess i won't be going in the fall though. I needed my id before July 24 to get the tuition for in the county.. And i don't have that. I've been living here since May 21 and i still have my Michigan id. And you need it 30 days prior to class. So i guess i'll start in January. I guess the good thing about that is once i find a job, holiday hours will be over.

I really don't want to put off college.. But my sister got her wish though. She wanted me to. I've been putting it off for 3 years though.. Not by my choice. My senior year in high school, 6 months before graduation we had a house fire.. Lost everything. So i put it off that year to help out my parents to try and get our life back on track. The next year i was going to go and stay with a friend of mine. That plan flopped so i was going to stay with my cousin and just take the bus from her apartment to the college. My mom was gonna take me the first week so she could help my aunt move and i was gonna stay with my cousin after. The car died the night before class began. So i had to choose to either go to class and miss the first week completely.. Which some classes will kick you out for that. Or work and put off school. I chose work for that. Then last year, i wanted to go but it depended on how my dad was doing. And if my mom had a job. Dad wasn't better, mom still doesn't have a job.

I'll tell ya what. Supporting your parents with only a little bit of government aid sucks. And it's the quickest way to go broke. It wasn't so bad when i was working 2 jobs. I could still save at least $100 every paycheck and pay their bills and mine. Mom had to cash in her 401K so dad would be able to get Medicaid. So she helped out a little. Mostly her money went to dad's hospital bills. She needed to though.. There is no way in hell we would have been able to afford $10 000 a month on his bills for a year, if not more. I'm not sure what his chemo and radiation cost together, but i do know that with his 2nd round of chemo he had to get 2 shots a month. Those 2 shots alone cost $3 000. And if he didn't get them, his cancer he had could have spread to Leukemia.

I quit the 2nd job, for clinicals in my nursing class i got kicked out of. No time for it.. That's when things went downhill. Well actually shortly before that, cuz i was working 2 jobs and going to school and school cut into work time. And by downhill i mean, like we had nothing. We ran out of gas during part of the winter. They wanted $700 at once to refill it. I never had that much at 1 time. My credit cards were pretty full. My mom had 1 that she used to for the family, back when she was still working.. I had 1 that i ended up maxing out on things i needed but didn't have cash for. So we had no gas for heat, hot water, and to use our stove. When i got kicked out of class i could have gone back and gotten my 2nd job back but i was still working 1 job, and had little free time.. I just needed a break.. The cable ended up getting shut off, no big deal. I was never home to watch it. Atthat time i met Josh and was spending all my free time with him.

My mom doesn't want me with him, and tried to interfere with me spending time with him. I was the only buying the gas for the car, but she controlled what i got to do I wasn't too happy about that. She expected me to pay her bills, but she wouldn't tell me when something was going on and she wouldn't let me do what i wanted.. it was either treat me like the adult that i am, let me waste the money i put in your car however i want to.. I'll buy more later. You're the reason i don't have one anyway.. That's what i was saving my money for. She always had the car with her so if something happened with my dad she'd be able to take him to the doctor or if they needed something .. which was fine.. I'm not very happy when it comes to me and someone telling me what i can and cannot do.

Then she kicked me out.. Not a big deal, i wanted out of there anyway.. Except i was broke from paying all her bills. So i ended up staying with Josh at his sister Mylisa's. I only spent some time at my parents when i had to work or when i just got out of work. My mom and i got talking about it one night as i was laying in bed freezing under my electric blanket that i was lucky still worked.. My mom hadn't made a payment in 3 months. She was saying i was lucky cuz if we hadn't been in Kmart she would have beaten me.. She would have too.

When i was 17, when we were living at my grandma's, a friend of mine sent me a text to her phone since he had no way to get in touch with me. She asked me about it, and i asked if he replied. She lied and told me no. I went through her phone texts the one night and i seen he did reply. I asked her why she lied to me.. I ended up with a big ass bruise the size of my hand on my shoulder and back from her phone being thrown at me. I tripped over the coffee table when i was 15 i think, from backing away from her, watching to make sure she didn't actually hit me, for telling her she was wrong on the number of snow days we missed.

What did it for me though was when my phone got shut off cuz i didn't have the money to pay for 3 phones. The deal was i pay my share and my parents pay the rest.. I paid my share, and sometimes the rest but still got behind. Josh let me use his phone that i got for him anyway. And of course my parents got to use it. They used more of it than i did when we had it. I was putting money on it all the time. So because of my phone being shut off and my mom interfereing with me going to the college of my choice, i decided i had to get out of there.. Couldn't take it anymore and asked my sister if i could stay with her for a while. It was just getting to be too much for me.

I was talking to my brother Josh the other day and i told him that he should let his wife do more with Riley. Not exactly my place to tell him, i know but someone has to. She doesn't do anything.. As screwed up as my relationship with my mom is, she's a better mother, and i don't even really consider her to be my mom. He does everything. The only thing she ever did was feed him, while she was breastfeeding. But my reason for telling him was that unless she starts doing things for Riley, he'll end up like me. My mom and i have a nonexistant relationship. I go to my dad for everything. Or my brother. My brother took care of me and my sister when my parents were working. My dad did things with us.. I don't remember my mom doing shit with us. My brother said she did until i was born basically.

Riley is turning 1 next month. He sits at the door and waits for Josh to come home. She made a comment on facebook that that made her want to cry.. Riley is gonna remember Toni not doing much, not really taking care of him. So he'll always run to his daddy. So Toni made a comment on her facebook status about "She doesn't care if i don't like her, but DO NOT try to come between her and her husband or her and her son. I guess she seen my brother and i were talking about her and he didn't let her read the conversation.. And she's just like our mom and is always right even if she isn't. So she assumed i didn't like her... Which i don't, but i tried. I gave up trying when i finally realized she wants nothing to do with ou family and she won't try.. So why should i. But anyway, she deleted both me and my mom from her facebook friends list..

Not a big deal, but if i go back to Michigan in a few weeks, like i'm thinking about, they're planning on having a birthday party at my parents for Riley. I'm curious to see how she'll react to me and my mom. I'm not sure if i'll be going though cuz i want to spend some time longer than the weekend like my sister is planning on going for. But my sister and her husband and her friend Becky, and some kids are going to Florida to Disney.. My sister wants me to stay and babysit her cat. I'll have been out of Michigan for 3 months.. I want to see everybody.. Her cat can't really go to my parents house cuz the 2 cats we have there had babies.. So now my parents have 12 cats in the hosue. 10 babies and the 2 big ones. Snickers doesn't get along with other cats.

My Josh and i now. I guess his mom knows that we broke up. She's gotta be loving it. She doesn't want us together.. I still can't believe that she's using that she don't like me cuz my mom don't like Josh as an excuse.. My mom don't like anybody. But she does need to get over the fact that Josh and Kim will not be back together. He's lending me money so i can stay longer than the weekend if we can do something with my sister's cat.. His mom can't find out about that. I really don't care if she does or not.. I'll just tell her.. Hey he owes me $600. At least.. Probably more but i only want the ^600. He's jst paying me back.. And as for me being around, i don't think he wanted her to know that, but we're friends... So what. He don't want her to know we're talking and in the process of getting back together.. He don't want her to know that he wants to ask me to marry him again.. So if i say yes again.. Then it'll be something we're keeping from both families.. His family knew before..

My sister and i went to the mall today so i could pick up job apps. I went to Torrid to fill one out. I was talking to the woman working and i was telling her i was from Michigan. Her boyfriend is from there so she wanted to know from where.. And wanted me to do the hand thing.

On the one side of the mall i walked by this massage thing. There was an Asian man working. He kept asking me if i wanted a massage.. Both times i walked by. I understand that it's his job to get people to do it, but don't ask me more than once and don't be creepy about it. I got to the other side of the mall as soon as i could.

On the other side of te mall there was this Italian guy. he kept flirting with me. Not just to get me to buy his product either. He was even willing to throw in 4 extra products. He kept wanting to demonstrate all his products on me and wanted me to give him a hug and everything. He just paid way too much attention to me, even for just wanting me to buy from him. He knows i'm engaged.. He didn't know what that meant but i explained and he got it then..

After i left, i walked by again, and he wasn't there.. But the guy who was working with him was.. He even waved to me.. Then this other Italian guy who was younger, cuter, and had the most amazing brown eyes i've ever seen stopped me. He wanted me to check out his stuff and buy from him too. He was flirting too but his was at least to make a sale. So the first guy kept touching my body.. He was selling products to clean dead skin off your body. The 2nd guy was trying to sell hair straighteners. The body guy told me i was like a vampire.. Cuz i'm so white and my veins pop out.

I haven't had any guy pay that much attention to me in a long time. Josh and i were talking about that. He wants another chance to prove to me he's gonna pay attention and treat me the way he should.. Now i'm not saying that he treats me completlely terrible and he's completely lousy, but there's room for improvement. I've had other guys treat me worse. Hell the one guy cheated on me twice, he was getting married the next month, and threatened to kill Dani.

Josh says he wants to ask me to marry him again when i go home to visit. This will be the third time. He first asked me Christmas Eve. Then he got drunk, and made out with another girl. I dumped him. After it happened, we talked, made him cry 5 times, and he tried to get me to go back out with him. I did after a few weeks. If he would have slept with the girl there would have been no second chance. The second time he asked was on Valentines Day. I told him at this rate i'm gonna make him buy me a ring for ever time he asked. I didn't get a ring the first time. He didn't have a job then. The second time he borrowed a ring of his sisters. He told me he bought me one then (he did some temporary work part time then) but he couldn't find it. He probably didn't buy one but you know.. I did get a ring before i left though. So if he asks again he'll owe me 2 more.

He says i can have whatever i want.. I'm his princess.. I want diamonds, gold, a house, a car, it's mine.. He'd give me he stars if he could. If he could afford to do it, i'm sure he would. He did try to spoil me when he could before. But he says i'm too picky. So he never knows if i'm gonna like something. He should wait though too until i am around. He wanted us to get my engagement ring together, then he just got it. And i hate it. Its just a plain gold band. I hate yellow gold. There's only 2 things i like... Its a slim band and it came from him. I can't wear it though anyway... It don't fit.

If he asks again i hope his mom is there to see it. She don't like me, i don't care... my mom don't like Josh either. But his mom uses that as an excuse for why she don't like me. Josh told me that. I know she wants him back with Kim, but he screwed that all up. Kim and i talk all the time from when we worked together. I didn't know they dated until i started to date him. Kim's cool with it. She's my go to girl for advice. I worked with her for a lot longer. I guess this time though she said she wants him to be with someone he can spend time with. Not someone he may never see again.

But then what am i supposed to expect from someone who thought Josh and i should break up cuz we were fighting one night... And it was a buzzkill. Josh said not to piss off his mother. Wouldn't make much of a difference.. Either way she's still gonna hate me. That day what Josh and i were fighting about was cuz i was around a coke deal. Its not like i knew that i was gonna be there. I could see being pissed if i knew but i didn't. And its not like i was doing the coke. And he knew that. But that was between Josh and i. He's worried about me.. She just wants us to break up cuz it was ruining her buzz.

I'd still like to know what she said to him to make him realize he's been an ass. Calling him an ass was his words not mine. He's the one who said he could kick himself in the ass for letting me go. When i talked to him earlier, we were talking about what he wanted to do since he misses being with a guy. He told me he wanted me and he knows he has to be truthful and faithful to me. So that means he's done with guys. I asked him what if it meant he didn't have to be.

I was thinking before that i might let him sleep with a gu every once in a while... Just thinking though... But there'd be a catch. If he was with another guy it had to be ok for me too. But just cuz it was ok for us both didn't necessarily mean i'd do it. We just talked a bunch, then he disappeared. Then he told me he had a serious talk with his mom... I'm the only one he wants to be with... He's done with guys, and he's sorry for a lot... All related to him being an ass. So we're back to the break from the break up and not back together just yet... He's gotta show me that he's willing to and going to make the changes he says he is.

I haven't been in a pissy mood quite as much this week. I'm glad that's passed.. Now i'm just not sleeping.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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FatalFantasy : I haven't really paid attention.. Mostly it's random journal responses and my subs that i do. My mom never even knew it happened.. Nobody in my family did.. Well except a cousin on the other side but she thought i eas willing too.. Since you know how everyone is having sex at 13 and 14 if not below. I resent my mom for lots more other than that.. That was just when i decided to say Fuck it all.. Josh and i have been together for 7 months.. The ex i talked to, i don't even care for.. I have friends who are his exs, and the one hooked us up basically.. The other one i go to for advice on him.
pink_dreams : Screwed up thing is, those are normal parts of my life..

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Josh and i talked a little about what's been going on lately.. I explained that i can't control getting pissed like i do... And if he wants us back together then i need him to just deal with it for now. I had to with him before he was diagnosed as being bipolar.. Then he tried to say it was just when he was drinking.. But it wasn't.. I don't know what's up with me, why the littlest thing can set me off.. I do know its a problem. I probably should talk to a doctor or something about it...

But 2 months in Illinois and i still don't have a job. I don't have health insurance.. I could go back to Michigan, stay with my parents and i'd have it until i was 21, but that'd only be for 4 months.. The job i had there sucked, i wasn't getting anywhere cuz i didn't kiss ass. A job in Michigan was hard to come by.. I doubt i'd be able to find one again if i did go back.. At least not in that area.

Paying my parents bills left me broke as fuck. I can't go back to that. I'm still broke here but at least i have a chance to get my life back on track. If it wasn't for my sister's husband Steve i probably wouldn't have don't it yet.. Asking my sister if i could stay with her was a big step for us. Steve told me she was surprised i asked cuz we've never been close. I probably wouldn't if it wasn't for him.. I'd probably end up killing her otherwise..

Why i was paying my parents bills though is cuz my dad was diagnosed with cancer last April.. Shortly after, my mom ended up getting fired from her job. They accused her of dtealing money.. She lied to us for a while, and about why and only told my dad the truth after i don't know how long.. I already heard the story from a friend who worked with my mom. My dad told me before i left though.. We got talking about Josh and how my mom bitched about him not having a job.. WHEN SHE DIDN"T HAVE ONE EITHER.

But anyway, after my mom lost her job, i got another one at Wendy's to help out more than i already was. I helped them out when she was working too. My dad couldn't work. Not with his chemo and radiation treatments he was getting.. He hadn't been able to find a job that was more than temporary either since his factory closed how many ever years ago. My mom's story was that she took a leave of absense so she could take my dad to his appointments and stuff.

Wendy's was hell. Lee (my uncle's stepson) had a son, Ethan. I think i mentioned that... Ethan's mother Nicole worked there. She was an assistant manager. She hated me. She knew what happened with Lee.. Or at least she though she knew.. She thought he was my cousin and he cheated on her with me. I heard her telling a guy at work about it. I wasn't trying to start anything at work though.. I needed that job.. And besides, how do you tell someone that their sons's father basically raped you? Nicole did whatever she could to make hy life hell.. Just because she could get away with it. When she even started to do the scheduling, she even threatened to cut my hours.. And she made sure we had as many shifts together as we could. When the general manager was doing the scheduling, she wouldn't schedule us together. We had a friend in common.. Jenny and i talked about it one night.. Nicole mentioned something to her about me saying something to Shelly about not scheduling us together.. I didn't though.

Then in October i started taking a CNA class as well as working at Kmart and Wendy's. My instructor and id didn't get along. And she was a lousy teacher.. First time teaching a class. She was a director of nursing. I had a hard time with the class cuz i had no experience whatsoever.. Experience wasn't required for the class. But everyone else had it. Kari was going to college for 2 years for nursing before she quit, Nancy did home health care with her mom, but she was sick of working in her factory so she took the class, Annette worked in a dentist office in the past and she took care of her mom instead of having a home nurse do it, and Janet worked in a group home.. Samantha may not have had any experience but she got kicked out of class for not passing 2 drug tests. I got kicked out in clinicals cuz the instructor thought it wasn't for me. First time working with real people and i'm nervous.. So it wasn't my best.. She thought it wasn't for me cuz i was having a harder time with it than everyone else..

I quit Wendy's around Thanksgiving so i'd have time for my clinicals with holiday hours at Kmart. Then i met Josh. Initially i met Josh a year ago at Wendy's.. He doesn't remember that though.. He used to date my friend Jenny. We talked a few times then. She'd still go and screw him while she was with her boyfriend Kyle cuz Kyle wouldn't have sex with her.. Josh was dating Kayla then.. After they broke up he asked me out.

There was this guy named Josh at work.. Him and i were really good friends.. And our friend Kris wanted us to date.. I was taking a break from Aaron, my ex cuz i thought we should. We were talking about moving in together but i wanted us to move out of Michigan. We couldn't agree on a place. So i'm like ok, maybe he doesn't want this then.. And gave us a break. Josh from work asked me out, and i kinda liked him and thought he liked me too. That same night, my Josh called me.. We spent 13 and a half hours straight on the phone.. Then it oh wow.. I should date this guy.. He asked me out about 4 times before that.. I told him no cuz i wasn't ready to date anyone yet..

But man those 13 and a half hours on the phone, just talking and getting to know eachother, we had some strong ass chemistry. I really wanted to date him, but i couldn't tell him i couldn't cuz i was dating someone else. Josh and i ended up spening all of our time together, and i fell in love with him.. When people asked me about my boyfriend Josh (from work) was not the one i told them about. It was my Josh. I closed my eyes and it was my Josh i seen... I didn't know how to break up with Josh from work though.. Not without making things weird. My mom came up with the perfect solution for that.

2 days after Christmas, i went to work.. I told her before work i wasn't coming home.. I was going to meet my Josh's sister and her family. She told me i wasn't.. (Keep in mind i'm 20).. I told my dad when he was taking me to work that i wasn't either. He told me he wasn't getting in the middle of it. My mom shows up after work, i told her i wasn't going with her, she tries to make me, and i told her the more she kept trying to make me the more i wasn't doing it. So she says "Fine, come home, get your shit, all of it... And get out." So it's like fine... She left and was pissed.. We talked about it later, and she says she never kicked me out, never said the and get out part... But still "Come home, get your shit.. All of it" means the same thing.

My dad had a doctor's appointment so he called me about 3 days later and told me to come home.. I told him what mom said and he said don't worry about her.. So when i came home, my mom didn't say a word to me for the first day.. The next day she wanted to talk to me.. I was on the phone so she told me to let her know when i was off.. So i did.. She wanted money.. I told her i didn't know if she was gonna get it.. She made a comment about how i said i would before.. That was before.. She told me another time later that she wouldn't have been pissed if i would have told her i wasn't coming home.. I did, she just didn't listen.. And she also woulda beat me if we weren't in the store..

Sometime during the 3 days i last worked, Josh from work called.. We needed to talk.. I called him when i got the message and he called me later that night after he got out of work.. I told him the situation at home. I explained that i was staying with Josh and couldn't stay anyplace else, which was the truth.. My parent's wasn't home anymore. He said he wasn't comfortable with me living with another guy, and i understood. He said he needed time to think about it..

He thought about it.. And decided he couldn't get comfortable with it.. And if the situation changed let him know cuz he'd love to go out with me again.. I didn't have to worry about lying to Josh anymore.. He doesn't know that Josh from work and i dated.. I thought about telling him but i haven't.. Yet.. Josh from work and i promised if we broke up, we'd stay friends and we have.. He's a great guy, just not my type.. Which i learned after dating him.. We were only together for a few weeks, but he kinda drove me nuts from us being complete opposites.. I'm glad him and i are still friends.. Although i do feel bad for lying to him when he asked if there was something going on with me and my Josh.

At least that was one less thing i had to worry about on New Years though.. Earlier than night i went to the hospital cuz i was having a really heavy period 2 weeks after i had the last one.. The doctor said i was either having a very early miscarrige or it was cuz i stopped taking my pills even though they kinda screwed up my period even more. He wanted me to go to the gyno.. I didn't though cuz i was having a hard enough time getting my insurance to pay for that visit.. I was in so much pain though and didn't wanna go.. My Josh made me though.. Stayed with me the whole time, until the nurse kicked him out of the room to put the cathetar in me.. Then when he came back in he was playing with it.. He never seen one before and wanted to check it out.

I'm gonna leave off here.. I'll continue the story of my past.. Not sure which stories i'll be talking about.. It'll just kind of go with the flow.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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pink_dreams : Apparently you can. I see plenty of naked people on there. And people who are basically naked.. Where all you can see is where their string just goes arounsd their waist and legs.. Or you can see about a cm of a shirt and all boobs.

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My mom thinks Josh makes me depressed. Josh is the only part of my life that isn't depressing.. She asked me if she had to worry about me again.. Apparently she had to worry about me before.. When i was in school the counselor called my mom and told her to worry about me cuz i was depressed.. If she was worrying though, why didn't she ever take me to see a doctor about it.. Why didn't she try and have me get counseling.. I told her she didn't have to worry then.. And she doesn't have to worry now.

Truthfully she did have to worry about it. She doesn't know anything about me trying to od. But she did see a cut on my leg once.. I used to do my legs to keep it out of site. I was first depressed when i was like 12. The school called her when i was in Jr. high once too and told her to watch out. I tried talking to my mom about it way back then but it didn't do any good. I did the cutting once in a grest while then until i was almost 16.. Then it became an every day thing.

What happened then was i was at my uncle's stepson's apartment... I was alone with him before so i figured it wasn't a big deal. It was us and his son.. And i was basically forced into sleeping with him. I remember how dirty i felt after that.. It was like i couldn't get clean no matter how much i showered. I know i probably should have done something about it but. 1. He was my uncle's stepson. 2. He had a baby. 3. I was 15. He was 19. A lot of girtls from where i lived had sex with probably 20 guys or more by then. I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway. 4. Because i was a month and a half away from 16, would he have even gotten in trouble? I didn't think so. 5. I didn't want my family to find out. My mom was already accusing me of sleeping around when i was 13 anyway. So for the longest time i convinced myself that it was ok. That i wanted it to happen. That i actually had feelings for the guy.. None of which was true.

This one guy from school found out, and him and his friends hated me. I'm pretty sure i know how they found out... From someone i was supposed to be friends with that hung out with them. Anyway the guy and his friends would give me so much shit about it. They'd call and harass me about it and say shit about how he was my cousin.. And no matter what i said they didn't believe he wasn't. So whatever i dealt with it.

So i slept with this guy a few more times. It was my escape from my parents. They were fighting all the time. They almost got divorced. He wanted to and i was like what the hell. Why not. We already did once when i didn't want to so what difference does it make now. I always felt dirty and could never feel clean after i showered then too. I know that sleeping with him was a bad way of dealing with things, but it was a way.. That'd mostly what i cared about.

I talked to Josh's ex today.. Kayla. I told her what happened to her damn sweater she's been after for months. Josh's mom threw it out cuz she thought she'd never see her again after they broke up.. Kayla told me she knew.. She told her when she stopped by to see Josh last week. She heard about us breaking up and she was sorry.. Josh and i weren't broken up last week. We just started our break then. I told her that. I didn't officially break up with him until 2 days ago.. I don't think she liked that. Oh well though.

I asked her when she stopped by too. Not that i really care but i had a dream last night. And it wasn't good. I seen Josh in the hospital.. I called him today though. He's fine. Someone else just has his computer cuz he was fixing it for him. My sister got pissed cuz i used her phone to call.. Well if i could use mine then i would have. She got pissed at me though for calling my mom from my phone. She put $25 on it. I still have $21. It uses $1 a day every day you use it and 10 cents a minute when they're not AT&T. My mom is though so it just used a dollar.. I'm not gonna run out any time soon.

I told Josh about the guy and what happened.. At least he took the caption off though that said he was thinking about Josh. Josh didn't seem that pissed though.. He just said next time i log into his messenger, there are people who are gonna wanna talk.. And that guy is one of them. I didn't want on his messenger though.. Just his email to check and make sure he got it. He said he did and he wanted to sleep on it before he responded.. Cuz i was right. He anted to talk about things then but his brother Mike or someone needed the phone.

I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it though. I had a really bad headache today.. It made me cry.. My sister and i kinda got into it, and she thought it was cuz of her. She's a subject for another day.. This is already long enough. Josh wanted to talk about it, but i kept telling him to driop it.. I wasn't.. And i was already kinda irritaeted cuz of my sister. It hasn't taken much to set me off lately.. He noticed that.. I don't know why.. He told me i can't and shouldn't get mad over stupid things (not in those words) but it's like i told him.. I can't control it. I couldn't promise him i wouldn't get pissed over things, but i could promise i wouldn't intentionally get pissed over things that i shouldn't.

I'm not sure why lately, but a lot of things piss me off, even if they shouldn't. My mom and sister have talked a lot lately about me and what i should do or what i need to do. It's like i'm 20. Just cuz i'm living with my sister cuz my mom fucked up my life and my credit score does not mean i need her to tell me what to do. Let me handle things my way. There was a job fair at the College of Lake County that my sister told me was going on. I didn't know that meant that i was going to it just cuz it was happening. I never said i was going. I did go though anyway and it was a waste of time. I get bitchy and snap at everybody..

Well mostly my mom, sister and Josh. I've always had issues with my mom and sister.. That's never gonna change. With Josh, it's like he can't do anything right right now. Don't really wanna get into what's been going on with that, but yesterday he really pissed me off and i decided to stop the break and just end it for good. And then since at the moment i can only talk to him online i wrote him an email and sent him that. Telling him how i was feeling. Hoping he'd wake up and get it. Well he hasn't or not yet at least. He probably won't so i guess i may as well just say fuck it and let it sink in that it's over.

Ok um wow.. Some guy just posted a nude pic of himself on myyearbook, and he's thinking of Josh. I know Josh is bi but damn.. I never had to worry about him and a guy before.. Except his ex Joee but not really cuz Joee wanted Josh but Josh didn't want him back. But this guy who posted the pic wanted him to do him a favor.. And the 2 of them get naughty together.