essencexofxtear , 23

I talked to Dani today. I don't think i should do that for a while. She's getting on my nerves. Either she tells me i have my head in the clouds about Josh or she's whining about her ex boyfriend Alejandro.

I told her i decided to give Josh the break that he asked for a few days ago. She wanted to know why and why i just didn't break up with him for good. I don't really have a reason except it feels like the right thing to do right now. We're giving it 6 months and if we're not back together by then then we stay friends and can date other people.. And neither of us want to break up for good so why should we?

She thinks i have my head in the clouds about him od'ing. She doesn't get that no matter how it looks i'm not saying he did it intentionally and i'm not saying he didn't. I'm saying i don't know why and the reason doesn't matter to me. What matters is that he's ok. That he's not dead. And that doesn't mean that i don't care about him. She doesn't get that. Josh gets it and i get it so i guess that's what matters since it's about us.

It makes sense to me since i have tried to od twice before. She didn't know that. So she thinks i was bullshitting since i said the why didn't matter when i tried. The why mattered to me, it didn't matter to anybody else. She apparently didn't get that. So instead i must have taken a half a bottle of antidepressants for attention. But if nobody knew then it couldn't be for attention. Butshe wasn't getting the fact either that i didn't take enough to kill me. All i did was knock my ass out for most of the day. She tried to tell me if i od'd i'd have to go to the hospital. Or else i was full of shit.. So apparently you can't try and not succed and need to go to the hospital.But instead she thinks because the why doesn't matter to me that i don't care about him and we shouldn't be together.

At least i didn't have to listen to her whine about Alejandro today though. I'm sure that will be tomorrow. Alejandro was this illegal Mexican guy she was dating. He dumped her a few days ago because he didn't think they were good for eachother because he's only in the United States for money and his life is back in Mexico. She was with the guy for 6 months i think, but i'm not positive. Oscar, Javier, and Alejandro were all one right after the other.

But anyway. She was stupid and stopped taking her birth control, and she thinks she's pregnant now. She says she has 7/15 top signs of pregnancy, but every single one can be caused by stress. She told me before she thought she was pregnant. She took a test.. Nope. This time though she apparently had 2 1/2 weeks before the test would be accurate when she took it. So that must mean she just had a period, so why would she think she was pregnant? She took a test last week, i guess when there was only a 30% chance of it being accurate, just to shut me up. The test said negitive though.

She's listening to our "expert" friend Kelcey who is only an "expert" because she's pregnant with her second child. The only thing Kelceys gonna be an expert at is being a single mom. Sorry but having 2 kids by the time you're 22 does not make you an expert on pregnancy. And apparently me, who's been pregnant (but had a miscarrige) once (possibly twice), doesn't know anything... That my body having 8/15 top signs and having every sign the health department looks for when taking a test but wasn't pregnant knows nothing.

Kelcey just wants someone else pregnant other than herself. My friend Julie is the same way. She told me if i was pregnant she wanted to jinx me with twins too so she wouldn't be the only one. Personally i think Dani just hopes she's pregnant. Maybe to get Alejandro back since he did tell her before that if she was pregnant he'd go back to her for the baby. Dani told me the week before too that she wouldn't be unhappy if she was pregnant. Even though she can barely take care of herself, let alone a baby. She'd be working 2 jobs to support herself and the baby, and that'd leave her family and friends taking care of the baby. Her and Kelcey said they'd help eachother out. Kelcey can get state aid to help her. Dani can't get that. She'd have to name a father and she can't do that with Alejandro being illegal.

So Josh came home yesterday (Monday). He's talking about going back maybe. He's not sure he's ready to be back in the real world yet. He's gonna try cousneling and taking his pills though for a few weeks before he decides to go back though.

He talked about taking a break last night. But i thought it was a bad idea. He Chris gave me some advice to give him.. Sleep on it. Don't make life changing decisions on the spot. Taking a break means there's a chance of us not getting back together. And i don't want that. He kept saying he really didn't want a break but he needs to work on his issues so it'd only be for a few weeks, but his issues will take longer than than and i may have given up on him by then. I didn't really wanna do it, but i told him, we take that break and we may not be back together. He thought about it and he doesn't wanna be without me.. It's not worth losing me over..

So i had a job interview at Office Max today. It went ok i think. I have another one with the assistant manager tomorrow (Wed). I need to call her though and check the time. I talked to the store manager today and told him i'd get back to him because i have to work around Shelly and Steve's schedules at the moment. He said that was fine. I called and asked if 10:30, 11 o'clock would be ok and he said that was fine so i don't know what time i'm supposed to be there.

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Say you marry the last person that texted you, what’s your new last name?
I don't really text.. I im. So using that instead of texting it's be Armstead.. Which will be my last name anyway.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in their arms?
Once. And that was only because he made me stay in his arms and look at him when i was pissed at him so he could apologize.

What are some things you do when you’re mad?
I don't know.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Just about every day.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
Some days i wanna chop it off, so it doesn't have to look so damn perfect for my sister, but i hate short hair.

What are you listening to right now?
Family Guy

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
I just moved to a state where i know 2 people, i have no job, no friends, my whole life is in another state. I have a fiance who has a daughter we're trying to get custody of, who just spent a week in a mental hospital and doesn't know if he's ready to be back in the real world.. Sound stressful enough?

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Depends on who i'm talking to.

Who is the last person to send you a message on Facebook?
Lori, aka Ruby

Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else?
no.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
I sleep on a futon.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
A few hours ago... I live with my sister.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
Too many places.

Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed, kissing someone else?
Since he's my fiance... Yes

Who’s hoodie did you wear last?
One i stole from Josh.

Who would you give your life for?
Some of my family, some of my friends..

Have you ever stayed with someone because you liked their parents?
no

Who have you texted today?
I can't text.. I im.. That's been Josh, Dani, Chris, Sean, Jim, Lori, Lynn, John, Arturo.

Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in?
no. I've listened to music i hated cuz i couldn't control it.

Who is the prettiest person you know?
In my opinion, my friend Kelcey.

What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know?
The past 3 guys i've liked have all been bisexual.

What do you want to do after high school?
What i planned on doing and still plan on doing is going to college for photography and getting into photojournalism.

Do you do anything embarrassing when no one is home?
Nothing i think is embarrassing.

What was the last good news you heard?
Josh doesn't want to take a break anymore cuz i mean too much to him to risk us not being together.

If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you?
I just did that about 2 months ago.

What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you?
Nothing. I've always been too dependent and never wanted anything done for me.

What food are you craving right now?
nothing

How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?
no idea.

What are the things you’ve learned over the past year?
Friend of the court is useless.. Bench warrants don't mean shit.. And if the bail isn't high, cops don't care about catching them.

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
i never counted. Every day we've been together.

Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell?
yes

Whose birthday is coming up?
Today was my friend Sean's. Yesterday was my friend Ashley's, and the day before that was my cousin Sara's. But those were past.. Coming up, my cousin Ashlee, an old family friend Karen, my uncle Bud, my future neices Amelia and Breanna.

Did the last person to hurt you ever apologize?
Yes. He always does.. Ask him that question though and the answer is no.

Who last made you laugh harder than you have in a long time?
a musician from my hometown. Geoff Ferris

Do you start the water before you get in the shower?
sometimes.

Would you ever get someones name tattooed on you?
If i did it would be my future children's names, maybe my future step daughter, or friends or relatives who have passed on.

Does your family have family picnics?
no

Do you know your sibling’s middle name:
Yes Ann and Edward.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
I was awake at 5:30 after being up until midnight, and was worrying about weather or not i'd still be with my fiance.

If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say?
Shit because i don't want a baby right now. It'd be too complicated.

Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
No one ever really broke my heart.

Ever made a prank phone call?
when i was younger

Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping?
My mom vacuum? Thats what she had kids for.

Josh gets to go home tomorrow. And stay home as long as he doesn't miss any of his appointments, doesn't drink, or do any drugs for the next 90 days after. The no drinking will hopefully go ok for him. He's been cutting back quite a bit. Especially because he knows i don't like it, and he doesn't wanna get drunk, and screw up by making out with someone else or more, and have me leave him again.

I took the test. Not pregnant... Thank God, cuz i really couldn't handle that. Besides, i have a cousin and 5 or more friends pregnant right now.. I really don't need to be.

I have a job interview at OfficeMax on Tuesday. Hopefully things go ok with that. It's in Waukegan though so i'll either have to take the bus, or get dropped off early at Walmart and walk over when it's time to go to work or something. It sucks not having a car, but i couldn't afford to have one when i lived back in Michigan, so i never bothered to get my license.

I was supposed to have an interview at this other company on Friday, but they decided they wanted to reschedule my interview. I wouldn't have known except i got lost and needed directions to find my way there. They couldn't even call to tell me, so we set up another interview, but i decided after that if they can't call me to let me know, then i really don't wanna work for them.

I finally managed to talk to Josh yesterdasy. I haven't done that since he was in the hospital.. He said something about how he needs to start thinking more about me. I think cuz i don't have money on my phone so i have to use my sisters. Cuz he talked about sticking some in my bank account for me. I still use my Michigan bank account since i have my checkbook and debit card anyway. I have all 4 check things too since i bought a box a year ago.. As you can tell i don't use them much..

Josh got moved out of the hospital yesterday but now he's in the psych ward. It's court ordered. There goes his shot at getting custody of his daughter. At least his parents still can though. Amber (Addyson's mother) and her mother will both be going to jail once they finally catch up with them. Since Amber's mother was hiding her out while there's the warrant on her.

Not too much to say. I'm going to buy a pregnancy test today. I'm late. And truthfully i hope i'm not pregnant. I didn't want this to happen with Josh and i being in different states.. I really don't want it now with him being in there. But if i am, i'm keeping my baby.

Chris (a friend of mine and my sister's. I met him when i was 15) told me he'd help me out until Josh could. I'd just owe him big time.. But making him godparent or something would cover that.

No wonder why i couldn't sleep. On Saturday i kept feeling like something was wrong. I kept seeing him in the hospital and visualizing his funeral. Saturday and Sunday. Most people don't do that. Well i do. I usually see the aftermath of bad things that do happen. I don't always see how they happen, just after they happen. I did it when our house burnt a month before it happened a few years ago. I did it before that too when my cousin and i were at my aunts. She almost got busted shoplifting. Instead of her getting busted our other cousin did. I know that makes me sound nuts.

I talked to Josh and his mom both. I was kind of an after thought with her. She apologized for that.. Afterall i'm just marrying her son. I can't say i'd be thinking of her either though if i would have been there and not her. So i'll let that one slide.

She told me he was fine until he got pissed off for some stupid reason. She didn't know he wasn't taking his meds the way he was supposed to. She didn't know he didn't take them for a few days. and he had some of of some of the pills left because when he got his refill on Friday. So he shut himself up in his room. She wouldn't have tried to get him to come out except it was a work night. She left him. Their supervisor called him so he went to work and then they made him go home. He could barely stand up.

They took him to the closest hospital and then the hospital airlifted him to a bigger one thats an hour away. His mom said he quit breathing at one point.

I talked to him. he didn't have too much to say except he loves me, misses me, and he needs my support right nowand he's sorry. Oh course he has my support. I love him. I'm not going to leave him. I wish i was back in Michigan right now so i could be with him, but since i can't.. He's supported me from the begining. I'm not perfect either like i told him.. Now just don't do anything to fuck up us getting married.