essencexofxtear , 23

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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hunniebunniedee : I did one for 5 years before Josh.. Partly why it's so hard for us right now is cuz we've spent pretty much every day together for 5 months before i moved. And my sister doesn't want me with him so she doesn't like to let me call him. And i can only use my prepaid phone i got right now for work purposes since she put money on it. She flipped out cuz i called my mom from it. I had one at Office Max a while ago but never got to do my 2nd interview like i was supposed to. Addyson just turned a year old in May.
pink_dreams : I don't know either.. It's just complicated.

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I talked to Josh some more last night.. A few people i talked to about it had a good point.. He should support me like i have him through all his shit. And he had a lot of shit going on.. I never broke up with him over it. I pointed that out to him. He says he's not breaking up with me.. Ok if he's not breaking up with me, why say that he is, cuz he can't be with someone like that right now.

Maybe he talked to Tony and Tony talked some sense into him.. Although from what i could tell Tony doesn't really like me.. Although he doesn't know me.. But he always told Josh that him and i should just break up and be friends.. Josh says Tony only said that cuz Tony knew more what was going on than what i did.. That's one thing that always pissed me off with Josh.. I was his fucking girlfriend and he would tell Tony more than what he'd tell me.. I think he finally got that though the one day.

Hopefully Josh is just like this right now cuz the doctor took him off his meds.. Told him he was unfixable. And told his mom to lock up all the pills in the house. He was worried about him trying to od again. I don't think he would though since he's now getting to see his daughter.. And whta happened before he tried od'ing was that him and his mom seen Addyson and Amber in the store.. So that was the first time he got a glimpse of his daughter since she was 2 days old.

Now that he's getting his visitations like he's supposed to though, unless Amber does her paperwork for her to get sole custody and the judge grants it, i think he'll be fine. He was doing ok with his meds before that. Well that and i think that was around when Steve had me with him when he was buying coke for one of his friends. I haven't been anywhere alone with Steve since. Well except maybe the grocery store.

But anyway.. Since Josh decided he's gonna continue to take his pills, hopefully after taking them for a few days he'll be somewhat back to normal.. If i get to go home Labor day and he's not back to normal.. Maybe w will just have to break up for good.. I had a hard enough time dealing with his mood swings before hew was diagnosed.. It'd be kind of hard though cuz it's like we're supposed to be together.. We have so many connections to everything.

I just hope it's like what he said last night. He loves me too much to lose me. And he's sick of us fighting. I know it's not completely all his fault that we fight.. But a lot of it has to do with him.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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hunniebunniedee : Sears, nothing special.. Just as long as it pays the bills..
pink_dreams : I asked 2 of my bisexual guy friends that question.. They didn't know that stud meant that either.

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So Josh and i broke up again last night.. Had nothing to do with me being honest with him about the whole other Josh thing.. He's still throwing that back in my face, but that's ok. I did the same thing to him with that slut he got drunk and did shit with. I completely understand how he feels so i'm not gonna get mad over that.. Only reason i have to get mad is cuz he did more than i did. But that was my choice anyway.. I wasn't attracted to the other Josh.

What it had to do with was old habits i mentioned before. 3 1/2 years i go without cutting.. and now i had to fuck that all up.. I did it twice in the past 4 days. They weren't bad ones. And they hurt, so that's good. When i did it before, i couldn't even feel them. It was nothing like when i started and had the problem with it.

The first time i did it when i had the problem was after the whole thing with my uncle's stepson.. Don't remember what i'm talking about, or wasn't here then.. This entry I chose words.. 3 little words.. I HATE YOU. Directed at 3 people.. Me, for basically allowing it to happen since i didn't do anything about it. Lee. For doing it.. And my ex Aaron. We were fighting at the time that it happened.. I needed to talk to him, and i couldn't.

Josh asked me if i planned on doing it last night.. I don't plan this shit out. It just kind of happens. I didn't do it though cuz Steve came home last night. And he was awake. Josh wanted to know what i would do if he started doing it again. He told me i needed to figure that out. I don't know what i'd do but i wouldn't break up with him over it. I'd hope he wouldn't though. Not now that he's taking meds and he's getting to see his daughter.

He says we can be friends, but he can't date someone like this. He don't want his daughter seeing that.. She wouldn't though. I was careful enough before, with the exception of 1 time with my mom. Nobody knew unless i chose to tell them or show them. He says it's about her that he can't date me while i'm like this.. As long as it actually is, i'm fine with it.

He says once i get some help we can be. That's gonna take some time though with no job and no medical insurance. Illinois don't have a plan like what Michigan does. in Michigan you can get state health care up until you're 21, then they have this adult benefit waiver thing for 21 and up.

Josh says i need to say fuck the job, and fuck college.. I need to go back home and get help. He don't wanna get a call saying i'm dead. He wouldn't get that call though. The point of it for me isn't to kill myself.. It's just a way to deal with things. If i go back i can get like 6 sessions, liek he got.. I don't think that'd be enough. He can barely pay his own bills.. How is he gonna help me if i do go back.. I won't have a job there either.

I asked him what good is 6 sessions gonna do? Then he got even madder cuz he thought i meant i wasn't gonna get help. So he made a comment about how he did it for me. What he meant there was when i broke up with him for cheating on me.. His excuse was he was drunk.. So i wouldn't date him until he got help... Drinking was his solution to his depression problems, which ended up as him being bipolar.

Josh sent me some pictures of Addyson too.


Addyson and Josh's mom Beth..


Addyson and Josh


Addyson by herself

Addyson and her cousin Amelia.

I miss home.. I've been listening to 102.5 all day today.. That was the good radio station back home.. Or at least one of the few that came in where i lived. Z.93 is better but that didn't wanna work. To know where i'm from originally, look at your left hand.. That's Michigan.. Then look at the center of your thumbnail.. That's Bad Axe. Yes we actually do point out our hometown on our hand.

All this frre time now that they're in Florida and i haven't really done shit. But then there's nothing to do here except go online and talk to everyone back home or watch tv. I did do something productive today though. I made taco salad and macaroni salad. Steve is coming home tomorrow cuz of some work thing.

So i was on Moco today. I had somebody send me a message. My display pic on that site is of me and my cousin that i was watching and will be watching once they're back from Florida. They asked if the little girl was Drea's daughter. Drea is my cousin's nickname. Her real name is Andre-ah. So anyway, i asked my cousin Ashlee who it was and gave her the link to her page. She didn't know.. I thought it was a guy.. Turns out it was a girl. I just assumed it was a guy cuz the username said sweet stud.. I didn't know that stud was a term that was used by gays that meant the girl wanted to be a guy. Ashlee pointed that out.

Things with Josh are kind of sucking right now. Especially with him assuming that i want or will hook up with every guy who talks to me now. He's hot and then he's cold.. One minute it's i'm sorry, i love you honey. Then the next, "i don't know if i wanna give us another chance.. There's a girl from work who wants to date me. "

I have a job interview on the 26th. I'm half hoping that i get this job, and half hoping that i don't.. I really miss Josh.. And i want to be there with him and his daughter. This is his first weekend with her. He had her on webcam yesterday so i could see her. It was cute.. I was so happy for him, i wanted to cry.

The friend i mentioned before that was convinced she was pregnant.. Dani.. is now.. She just took a test and it was positive.. She decided now wouldn't be good for her to be pregnant cuz her and Alex are having problems.. If she didn't wanna be pregnant now, she should have started taking her birth control pills again. Or made him use a condom. I'm curious to see weather or not Alex is gonna go back to Mexico now.

Either way, i'm glad it's not me. I'm not sure why i was sick for 2 weeks but i'm feeling better luckilly. If i don't have a period by Labor Day i'm gonna have to go to the doctor though. I don't know why i wouldn't have one but Labor Day will make 2 months since i last had one. I had it start last July 8. It's pretty regular. It started around June 6 before that. On August 8, i was spoting. But i still haven't had sex since May.

2 days by myself so far.. Well me and the cat.. She's driving me nuts.. Yesterday she decided she was gonna go out in the rain. Then she didn't like the rain so she ran under the bushes.. There was a clearing so she ran across the sidewalk to the other bushes.. Eventually she found the door and wanted in. The garage door. I could finally pick her up then and take her to the right door to go back inside. The ondos are weird with the doors.. Our garage door is across the sideawalk from our door to go out.

Since i took Josh back, we decided we were gonna start all over from the begining.. Now if you're starting over frsh wouldn't it be good to have no secrets and lies. I thought so. So i told him that when we first started dating i was technically dating Josh from work.. If you wanna call it that. Josh from work and i never kissed or anything.. All we ever did was hug. I learned while dating him that i wasn't into him like that... That we were better as friends.

That was the only time i ever did that. I didn't like cheating like that and i don't plan on doing it again.. But i can't tell Josh that. I did that 8 months ago.. If i was going to tell him i should have told him before now.. I know.. Ther'e a reason that i didn't though. He didn't have very many good days when we were in the same state. That was before he was on meds. I didn't wanna ruin those days. And once he was on meds i didn't want to tell him until i saw him in person. I didn't know when that was gonna happen though. And since he was talking about a fresh start, i wanted it to b fresh.. no secrets, no lies.

Well he said he forgave me like i did him when he cheated.. Now he keeps thinking about it and doesn't think things will work between us. I want us to still give it a chance. I love that boy weather or not he believes it. He says he feels this and that and i understand how he feels. From when he did it to me. I'm not asking for him to forgive me right away. I know he's not going to. I'm not asking him to automatically trust me right now either.. I had a hard time doing that with him.

When he cheated he got drunk and fingered the girl. I find that to be worse than what i did.. I can forgive him for that and give him another chance, but he doesn't know if he should give me one for what i did.. All i want is one chance for us to see if we actually can make it work.

I don't want him saying when i tell him i love him "yeah ok" or say "no you were thinking of Josh" when i told him i loved him for the first time when he was the one i fell for.. Not the one from work. I don't want him thinking i messed around with some guy online either.. I mentioned this guy Jeff las night from back home. And how he volunteered to play some sex games with me.. That came up cuz Josh and i were looking at underwear, then lingerine, then bondage stuff.. And Jeff asked what i was doing.

Things with this Jeff guy are just whatever. He's some guy from back in Michigan who started talking to me on a website. He found me in the people from your area thing it has. I don't consider him to be a friend or anything. When Josh and i did break up, Jeff thought i should go back to Michigan and date him. Jeff knows all about Josh, knows how much i love him.. He was never mentioned to Josh cuz he's not really anything worht mentioning..

Same with that other guy from Missouri that wanted to stop and see me. I'm not trying to date anybody i've met on the internet. I watch enough dateline. I have friends i met on websites that i wouldn't mind meeting, but i wouldn't meet them alone. And i've been talking to them at least a year. Most of them i probably will never meet unless i go to the Uk or Ireland but... I wouldn't be trying to date them. And that guy from Missouri i don't even know his name.. So there's no way in hell i'd be trying to meet him, or go live with him like he offered. They're not worth mentioning cuz they're nobody to me. If Josh told me he didn't want me talking to them, i wouldn't.

But if he asked me to stop talking to Josh i used to work with i wouldn't. We're friends. I haven't asked him to stop talking to that girl he decided he was gonna date when he thought i was dating his brother or whatever. I haven't asked him to stop talking to his ex's that he stil ltalks to.. Like Kim, Joee, Tony, Amy, Kayla, or any of the other ones.

Guy friends i have mentioned to Josh and i would meet that i talk to online are Chris (Colorado), Papi (California), Ricky the UK), Ben (the UK), Sean aka Johnny (Ireland) and Jim (Ireland).. They're guys i would never consider dating. They're like brothers to me even though we've never met. We talk about everything and they all know about Josh. They all know how much i love him and want me to be happy. Josh has friends he talks to online too and i'm fine with that.. I don't care if he talks to them as long as they're just friends.

He told me today too that he stopped taking his meds. About 4 days ago. I wish he would have told me that then. I wouldn't have told him about Josh... I guess the doctor told his mom to lock up all the meds in the house cuz Josh is beyond fixable. I'm assuming there was talk of another overdose. I don't think Josh is beyond fixable. I think given the right medication and therapy he'd be fine.

I was looking at tounge rings for Josh the other day.. When we were fine and weren't having issues. I found him some interesting ones.

This is an extender so you can wear 3 at once. That'd really drive me nuts. I hate his tounge ring as it is now but..

He loved this one. I thought it was cute too.

This one was just weird.. They have it ribbed and studded as well.

That would be the only way i'd ever want to see him with sperm or penis in his mouth.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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mack8765 : Yeah.. I'm not that stupid..
pink_dreams : I understand wanting things done a certain way.. Yes it is nutty, but she's not the one doing it.. That's the part that annoys me.. She says i don't do shit but she can't even put her own dishes in the dishwasher..

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I'm really tired.. I didn't get any sleep Saturday night... I don't know if that was just cuz i was feeling weird since Steve didn't come home or cuz i didn't talk to Josh..

My sister came back from Michigan yesterday... 11 oclock at night.. She told me and Steve not to do any laundry until she came home so we could wash my cousin Kelviannah's too. First thing she does is bitch cuz her work clothes aren't clean.. So i had to stay up and make sure they got washed and dried..

When her uniform was done, she came out of her room, and bitrched at me and Kelviannah to go to bed.. I tried getting her to fall asleep.. It's not my fault she wouldn't do it.. What was i supposed to do, drug her?

Kelviannah wanted wanter last night so i got her some.. She spilled it on the fouton that we're sleeping on.. So i got bitched at for not putting it in a sippy cup. It's a good thing she was wearing a pullup too or else i would have been soaked this morning.

She has to be wrapped up around me or laying on me when she sleeps. I can't sleep like that.. I couldn't sleep anyway cuz i couldn't get comfortable and she kept kicking me in her sleep anyway.

I love Kelviannah but she's driving me nuts.. I can't get laundry done cuz she grabs me and drags me to her every 2 minutes to watch tv with her.. I can't cook cuz she wants her bratz dolls open and she can't do it herself.. And she doesn't wanna wait.. I'm too tired to put up with her being cranky.

Steve has a $500 ukulele that he has sitting in the office where we sleep. Shelly already told Kelviannah last night she don't want her playing with it.. Does she listen.. Nope..

Kelviannah insists she needs a pull-up. She wants to wear one so that way she can watch tv and not have to get up to gfo to the bathroom. I aks her if she has to go, like Shelly says and she tels me no..

At 4 i wasn't wearing pull-ups. She doesn't wanna work on going to the bathroom either. She wants to still be wearing pull-ups when she goes to school. She used to be potty-trained when she was 2. Her parents don't work with her though. All they do is spank her when she goes and her clothes are wet. She has 2 little sisters who are 1 and 2 and they don't pay any attention to them though either.

My sister left me a note thismorning when she went to work at 5. It told me to "Please finish the laundry. Also all of Kelviannah's drinks are to be in a sippy cup and stay in the kitchen. NO (big emphasis on that) drinks on her furniture. "

I learned my lesson last night.. I don't need her to constantly tell me. I wasn't using a sippy cup at 4 though. Josh's neice just turned 3, she's potty trained, drinks from a regular cup, and doesn't constantly need attention like Kelviannah does.

I can't handle constantly being needed like that. I was talking to Josh this morning and telling him about it, and he's like ok. My daughter is out then. That isn't what i meant. So i had to explain that to him.

He's actually getting to see Addyson now though. They had to threaten Amber with her losing custody if she continued to not follow their orders for visitation. So he had to do 3 visits at Amber's house with her, 1 visit at his on Saturday from 10-4. She called him daddy and he cried.

And i have 2 weeks of this.. This week, i get a break when they go to Disney, and the week after. More that pissed me off last night though.. Shelly said i couldn't go. There'd be no room, it was just supposed to be her, Rachel, and Becky.. Ben got to go. That wasn't part of the plan. I asked my sister to bring me back a couple things from Michigan but could she do that, no..

Michigan is looking better each day. I talked to Chris about that today. He's friends with both me and Shelly. He told her before to lay off, she's not my mom. She thinks she's doing me a favor. Giving me a place to stay was one, yes, but it's not anymore.. Not with her the way she is.. I should have known it wouldn't work out. I couldn't stand living with her the first 16 years.. Why would that change now..