essencexofxtear , 23

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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pink_dreams : Has she never had money issues? i wish i had that life. I don't even want to go to Six Flags. Except to see some bands they had playing. But that requires money i don't have. In Michigan it wasn't as boring.. They always had festivals and fairs in the summer time. And the beach was 15 minutes away in every direction but South.

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So i've been talking to Josh's ex Kayla still. I was such a bitch before cuz Josh didn't want anything to do with her.. And he turned into such an asshole while dating me. But now i'm so nice.. Why, i decided to be nice and try and hook her up with my friend Kris.

Josh called me last night. It was kind of nice to talk. He wants us to start over completely from the begining.. We talked about that skank he slept with. But i had to promise to be nice first.. At least he learned.. if i don't promise, it doesn't mean anything..

Mike now knows i still talk to Josh. He asked Josh who he was talking to and he told him the truth. I wish he wouldn't have.. I didn't really wanna hurt Mikes feelings and i don't want Josh to kill him for asking me out.. Maybe when they're not living together i'll tell him.

We talked about his daughter too. He got to see her for the first time since she was born yesterday.. Other than a glance at Walmart the one night. He wouldn't have gotten to if his caseworker hadn't helped.

Josh's mom was at the fair on Friday, with Mike and his neices Amelia and Breanna. She seem Amber there with Addyson. Beth called the cops, since there is a warrant out on Amber for missing court. The cop said there ws no warrant on Amber so they let her go.

Josh ended up going to the hospital that night and they had to sedate him. He was having a really bad panic attack. So that's when the caseworker called and talked to Friend of the Court. Eric from friend of the court had them both show up on Monday.. Amber is trying to get sole custody and no visitation for Josh. If Amber doesn't show up again though, she's supposed to lose custody of Addyson i guess. Now if she misses again, liek she did when they put the warrant out, then hopefully they do take Addyson from her.

Friend of the court lied to Josh when they said they didn't know where Amber was. They knew where she was but they didn't think he was gonna continue to push the issue.. They didn't want to do their job. His caseworker told friend of the court it was bullshit too that he's paying child support on a child he can't even see..

I seen him a panic attack and it scared the hell out of me. i don't know what set him off when he had his that i seen.. We were in the middle of sex and he had one. He didn't know what set it off.. We thought before it was just something sex related.. But thinking about it now, it as the same night Amber didn't let him see Addyson before.

So i started talking to a couple guys on Mocospace who are from the area that i live now.. Apparently i was right. There's absolutely nothing to do here except go to Six Flags, the mall, and get drunk either at the bar or with friends.. Which i have none here.

Last night a guy i graduated with commited suicide. I never would have expected it from Matt. He had everything going for him. He was smart. He owned his own business. He was gonna be a father. His adopted family are great. His brother was my manager at my old job. I knew his parents pretty well. They were always in the store.

I guess his mom is the one who found him, lying in a pool of blood. A shotgun lying near him. I know it usually happens with the ones that you don't expect it from. When i found out how he died, it shocked me more than anything.. I know people hide things when they have problems, i do enough of it myself.. Really it just makes you wonder though.. Why did this 21 year old who had everything going for him end his life like that.

I really probably should go to the doctor.. The gagging and nausea, and almost vomiting aren't gonna go away on it's own i doubt. I'm just glad that so far today, i didn't actually throw up. I just almost did a few times. My friend Lori is worried.. Told me to take my temp and keep tract of it. I did try to take it, but i couldn't keep the thermometer in my mouth long enough for it to be accurate i don't think.. I kept gagging on it.

I remember when Josh kept gagging and vomiting.. It was all part of his depression and stress and stuff. Speaking of him, i talke to him last night. I guess his mom seen Amber, and she called the cops, since there is a warrant out on her, and the cops let her go.. Said there isn't one out. He ended up at the hospital yesterday but really didn't tell me why too much.

I probably shouldn't talk to Mike anymore. I don't think he knows i still talk to Josh, and that i don't hate him. He talked more about us dating.. Actually he thinks we should move in together, and get married.. I never really wanted to get married though.. I mean i did to Josh, to in general i don't really want to get married.. Or have kids.. Another thing Josh kind of changed.

I talked to Josh a little yesterday.. He says if i am, he wants us together as a family.. He wants out of Michigan and will come to Illinois.. I know there's like a 2% chance of it being possible, but right now.. If i am, he won't even know his child..

I shouldn't say that. I know how hard it is on him not getting to see Addyson.. I was there with him through it the whole time we were together until i left.. I could never put someone through that.

But i wouldn't want my child having that in their life.. The smoking i wouldn't care about.. Except he's not even supposed to be smoking.. The fact that he still is tells me that he doesn't care a whole hell of a lot about his daughter.. There's only 2 people i believe in quitting something for.. Yourself and your children..

But if he can't even do that.. He doesn't give a damn about her.. He would still bw trying.. So what would he do for this one.. Nothing.. He can't even keep his word to me.. I already grew up with 1 parent i couldn't depend on.. I wouldn't do that to my baby..

Thank god for Chris.. He;s always there.. When i have a problem.. Josh should be the one i go crying to.. Not Chris.. Maybe it's just easier with Chris, i don't know cuz i've known him since i was like 15 or 16. If not longer.. I'm not really sure. But Chris and i have a no lies, no bullshit policy.

Josh just tells me what he thinks i wanna hear.. Or what he thinks will get him in the least trouble. So when Chris said he'd help out when Josh was in the hospital when i first worried, I know he would... But Josh.. He has a lot of work he needs to do to show me this would be what he truely wanted.

As for a chance with us, even after everything... If he can start being honest with me when he fucks up.. And tell me what i already know without me mentioning it to him first.. He always says he's going to but never does.. Actually i think that's another big reason i won't tell him my secret that he should know..

Well either way.. Pregnant or not.. There's a reason for my moods.. I shouldn't want to go from wanting to kill him one minute, and wishing i never left cuz maybe then he might not keep fucking up.. And blaming myself for it. Just cuz my ring doesn't mean shit to him, doesn't mean it doesn't to me..

On another note.. No throwing up today so far.. That's the good news.. I almost did twice though.. Which isn't so great.. Steve, my brother inlaw kept talking to Snickers and was saying "There's something in the oven kitty" Really not what i want to here..

Worst case though.. That's the way it is, at least i'll have Chris.. I could never date Mike that way.. I wouldn't want to be explaining to my child why mommy is with their uncle and not their daddy.. Especially when their mommy still loves their daddy.

Has Kiwi screwed up for anyone else lately.. I tried submitting my entry twice and it takes me to a white screen and that little box on the bottom with the report content in it.. That's all that on the page.

Ok.. Or maybe i have more of a reason to worry than i thought.. It's actually not all that uncommon in my family for the women to have periods, have negitive pregnancy tests, and still be pregnant.. I was talking to my cousin Ashlee, and both her mom and sister were like that.. And i'm exactly like her mom.. Even where it comes to health issues.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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Khayos : Wow.. That's actually kind of creepy.. Only i don;t want Mike.. I'm pretty sure the only thing his OCD would do is like keep pushing it until he got his way or something. There is no way to be honest with Josh without Mike getting hurt. Josh seriously would try to kill him.
pink_dreams : Well it was supposed top be.

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I was feeling a little better yesterday, but not today. I threw up again today, this time in the shower, and i've felt like i was going to again since. I asked my sister where the cleaner was and the sponge she uses in the bathroom and told her why..

First thing she asks me.. Are you pregnant.. God, you can tell she's my mother's daughter.. My mom asked me that when i mentioned feeling sick before.. If having my last 2 periods when i haven't had sex in 3 months, and a negitive pregnancy test.. But i guess it's still possible... Just not probable..

My cousin Holly is supposed to go to Michigan on the 13th.. I wanted to go when my sister does for Riley's birthday and my brother's friend's wedding.. Which is the 15th and 16th.. And spend a week or so visiting my family and friends.. And Josh. Josh and i were gonna go camping for the weekend before i left..

My sister was supposed to go to pick up my 4 year old cousin Kelviannah.. And bring her here for a few weeks.. But nope.. Apparently i can't go cuz Shelly (my sister), Becky (her friend) and Rachel (Becky's stepdaughter) are going.. And if i could go i can't stay for a week cuz how am i gonna get back, what if someone calls me for a jhob interview.. And this part here i love.. Not only do i have to watch her cat while they're in Florida, but until they go to Florida i have to watch Kelviannah while they work..

And i know this only cuz i overheard my mom and sister on the phone.. So nice of my sister to make plans for me and not inform me of them.. As usual. Just like when that whole job fair came up.. And apparently she's supposed to give me driving lessons before i get my license..

I did mention to Josh what Mike said about him being in bed with another girl.. But i guess i can't really say he's cheating on me since we're not technically together.. Since i did say i wanted a break.. And i did actually break up with him for a while before we talked.. He says if his memory is right, it was when we broke up.. So he asked right after she left..

So i don't know how i feel about that one.. So i'm not sure.. He knows if i catch him lying to me, we're done.. I talk to enough people to know whats going on with him, as well as what i dream thats usually right.. And we did say no dating or hooking up with other people for 6 months from the break unless we actually break up.. And i did break up with his cuz of my moods i was having.

Thinking some more though.. Mike's only been home a week.. Josh and i weren't broken up this week.. Even though we're still taking a break.. So i really don't know what i'm gonna do.

It's 69 degrees and i'm still cold.. It was 74 earlier when i started freezing..

This is gonna be really short cuz i'm sick.. I kept gagging today and then i finally threw up a few hours later. I'll probably do journals tomorrow..

I was talking to Josh for a while last night.. Then his brother Mike started talking to me, and asking me if I was talking to Josh.. I told him yeah, then he wanted to know what about... So then he was asking me about life in Illinois and if i knew anyone single back home or up here. So then he wanted to know what Josh and i were talking about then, and when i told him we weren't, he kept asking all kinds of questions about Josh..

He kept telling me i should break up with Josh and find someone else.. Someone better.. Then after an hour or 2, he told me to date him.. Be finished with Josh cuz he's cheating on me, and told me the night he moved back Josh was in bed with some other girl.. Technically since Josh and i are on a break it isn't cheating.. And Mike has only been there a week. Our break started before that..

I don't know if i should believe Mike, since he was telling to to break up with Josh and date him.. And he didn't want Josh to know we were talking about that. Josh would kill him.. And i don't wanna cause problems between them sicne they are living together.. And Mike is bipolar, schizophrenic, and ocd, And isn't one supposed to warp reality?

But Josh has been keeping things from me lately too, that i always found out. He did tell me when i asked cuz he knew he couldn't lie.. But then he knows too if he isn't honest with me, i'm done..

So right now, if i go home in a few weeks, i'm gonna spend a few days with Josh.. Just not at his house.. I don't want Mike to know when i'm up cuz he wanted us to go on a date when i did come up. And since his mom hates me.. So we're gonna go camping.. Near my parents house.. I'll talk to him about everything except Mike wanting to date me.. I told him not a word about where or who he's with so that way things aren't screwed up with him and Mike or him and his mom.

Ok.. Or at least this was supposed to be the shortest one.