hiddentruths , 21

I'm starting to withdraw away from kiwi again, after getting a nasty blog comment from someone I wonder if it's the best thing. I mean it was a troll, but it's definitely not what I need right now.

If you want to know what's going on with me, check out my open diary. I just got it and I'm currently testing it out. http://www.opendiary.com/bottledupemotions. CHeck out my latest entry and respond to that in here if you want, talk to you later, bye! <3333;; xoxoxo

Here's a poem I wrote, I feel it's sucky:

For I'm looking for someone to love me
A fairytale that never ends

But confusion takes over
My mind is in a haze
I thought a black knight was my Prince Charming
After the spell had been broke the after spell was the worst

I thought I had met a potential suitor
Now I'm wondering if he's ever going to come around and sweep me off my feet
But am I ready?
The after spell is still upon me.

I've decided that it would beat a lot of frustration and future fights if I asked Tim if we could just be friends right now. I mean, it's really hard to get in touch with him, it's nothing to do with the fact of me really liking him, I still do. I don't know about his feelings for me, but he should understand over all.

 

I think that he's definitely someone that I'd like to have in my life. So far, he seems like a good person, he's really easy to talk to, sexy, smart, I agree with ALOT of his views on things. And you know, maybe one day we will be able to work out in a relationship, I just don't know if we'd work out right now. I feel like I need to work on my confidence issues by myself, because if I don't, it will lead to ALOT of trust issues and an unhealthy relationship.

 

I haven't talked to him about this, but I plan to next time I get a chance to actually talk to him, if that actually happens. It's not like anything has happened between us so far, but if anything were to I'd be angered even more about not being able to get in touch with him, and this would be a hell of a ALOT more complicated. I don't know, I guess we'll see what happens =].

Honestly, I want to be in a relationship but I wonder if I'm ready for one. I wonder if I've ever recovered from Joe, I mean I know that I definitely don't have feelings for him anymore. I realize now what I should have realized along time ago, I'm too fucking pretty for him and I deserve someone who would never even think about lying or manipulating me. That "relationship" was known for it's lies and manipulations, it's broken promises about things that never happened.

But I think that this is a talk that I need to have with him. Him, meaning Tim not Joe, I have no reason or desire for talking to the latter one at all.

 

December 29^th, 2009

 

For me today was a shopping day. I decided to go to Target to get the thong for myself, and to Petsmart to get christmas presents for the animals, since they didn't get anything and they hardly get any toys. At Target, I bought a pink and black plaid bra, a hot pink ruffled panty with a black bow, a thong with hearts on it, black tights, and a black and white striped turtleneck. I love that store, I could spend hours in there. It was a bummer though, most of their winter stuff is gone and replaced with spring stuff. I mean I can't complain, I think I got the shirt that I wanted for awhile for $10.00. A lot of their spring stuff is really nice, I'm definitely going to be doing some shopping there next season.

 

<side note>This is going to sound so slutty, and it's something that I've been concealing for awhile on here, simply because it's private. But that's what this journal is for, I write in here because no one here has ever seen my face in real life. But a part of me wishes that I actually were sexually active, I mean I'm waiting for someone who actually means something to me, I've learned that the hard way, sex (vaginal or anal) is the only thing that I haven't done with a guy. It would be awesome to have someone to show my cute underwear off to, hahaha :-P. (That's the only thing that I'm going to share about my “sex” life, which is basically nonexistent, in here because people read this thing.)</side note>

 

After going to Target, I went to Petsmart. I bought some toys for the animals, I got my cat like a princessy cat teaser because she's my little princess. I got Xoie, my sister's cat or rather my father's cat, now, a ball that's supposed to be like a bird but Chance tore that up. For Chance, I got him a laser light because he's really into toys like that, he likes chasing lights. And, for Shawnee, I got her a cute rhino with a purple rope because she likes dollies.

 

I tried going to Dave & Busters today, to find out if they're actually hiring and the girl told me that they aren't at the moment, but they're taking applications.

 

I've calmed down about the Tim situation, I mean it sucks. But I'm trying to tell myself that I'll probably hear from him again soon, because that's what I really want to hear and that's how I feel. I mean, like honestly I know he's busy with his friends, and last week was the week of Christmas and I know that he didn't finish his Christmas shopping. I'm going to keep on trying to get in touch with him for a month, but only like once a week just because I don't want to smother him, if that doesn't work than... you know, whatever. I think that he's a great guy and I really do like him, but I'm not going to wait longer than a month for a guy and I'm probably crazy for doing that. Yes, I'll keep my options open, but right now I don't have many open options because I'm not working at the moment, in school, or anything like that... so, I don't know how I'm going to meet other guys, hahaha.

 

Anyway, I think I'm going to go watch the online episode of Intervention. I shall update later, probably like tomorrow because I've gotten into the habit of journaling again, bye!

 

Dear You,

 

I can't believe that I truly thought that you were into me. Was I that naïve, or was it true? Am I just being negative now, did you know that I was trying to contact you? I remember that I had this one friend in 8^th grade, who I thought was brushing me off but he just wasn't receiving my instant messages. Are you purposely brushing me off? If you are, then why didn't you say that you have purposely been avoiding me. I might actually leave you alone, then.

When were in class together, we would talk all the time. You would tell me about different things that you did. I thought so differently about those things than you did, because I was a good little Catholic school girl and I had been sheltered by an over-bearing grandmother and mother all my life. We shared similar views, but we had some differences because of different life experiences. Was I too innocent for you?

I don't even know if writing this letter is worth it. I might seem clingy which I'm not intending on. Yet I really liked you, and I still like you. I felt like you were an all around good guy who just so happened to be really sexy.

All I want is an explanation as to what's going on. I no longer see you regularly, today was Monday but our class is over. You can go back to ignoring me if you want, but I just want to know what's going on. It might hurt me a little bit considering that you were the first guy since my ex that I ever truly liked, but I would appreciate the truth a lot more. I like to get the hard honest truth from people even if it hurts.

Can you be a good person and just let me know what's going on? That's all I'm asking for.

Those are my feelings at the moment, it hurts that I have no idea of what's going on.

I've decided that I'm going to attempt to not let this get to me, and see if he'll contact me. Sure, I'll keep my eyes open for other guys, but I really like this one and I thought that he liked me.

 December 27^th, 2009

 

No update about the whole Tim thing. He was online earlier but I was getting ready for my last day of work, and decided that I was going to take a shower and afterwards I'd instant message him and try to figure out what's going on.

 

So work today was okay, it was my last day of work but it wasn't anything special. I didn't really get to say goodbye to anybody, unfortunately. I accidentally left 30 minutes too early, because I was confused about whether my shift was over at 5 or 5:30. After work, I tried on some clothes and picked out some really cute underwear, some how I lost one of my thongs, so I'm going to try to go back tomorrow and get another thong. I love Target's underwear =).

 

I really don't have anything to do tomorrow. I'm probably going to try some job hunting and cash my check in. I'm really with it, I got paid $328.18... or something nice like that. Hopefully it will hold me over for right now, but we shall see.

 

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I shall update more later, bye! <3333;;* me