hopelessdreams1 , 29

my sister says i need therapy. Maybe I do, I sometimes feel like Im drowning and I dont know why. Sometimes I feel like I made big mistakes in my life and now I cant rectify them. I sometimes dont like myself well really I dont like myself alot I wonder why I let myself get fat and no matter how much I say this is the last year Im going to get up and go I dont Im so lazy with myself and that in itself shows how much I dont love myself and how much I dont like myself. Sometimes I let other peoples successes get to me. Not because Im jealous-as in I should have that and not them-I guess you can say Im jealous because I covet what they have I just want to be able to do some of those things and not cuz its cool but because I myself have wanted to do those things even before I knew they had done it. Im happy for others but I want to be happy for myself and I want to accomplish those things. Maybe I am being punished for thinking this way and or I am standing in my own way by putting out negative thoughts. Also when I see these succeses I get upset with Jerald and I know I shouldnt I think I just get upset with him because I know he can do better but in turn I think I am telling him the things that truly I should be telling myself. I really need to stop taking things to the head and being so serious. I need to chill out and not worry so much. And I really truly need to get up and go and lose some of this weight to be healthy. I just want to be under 200lbs dont care where I land after that just as long as Im under that number I will be happy. But will it fix my mind and thoughts I dont think it will fix it all but I think it will help some as far as being able to enjoy myself when I go out. I am so quick to anger and I dont like it. I get so depressed and I take it out on jerald. I dont like that either, I need to relax and just breathe in and out. I should start reading the bible and just read maybe I will find inspiration and if not just to have something some guidance I dont go to church because 1 Im always sleeping in and 2 Sometimes what they say in there scares me or makes me upset because they are so quick to judge or say someone is going to hell. I dont like it and I do believe no matter where you are God will listen. So I should I think start with soul cleansing I probably will be a lot better. And am I doing it to just make myself better no and yes I know it will help me just because I DO believe in the power of prayer but also because I need to get back in touch with my religion and have some guidance and faith in something. I believe in God and I hope and pray that he hears me and helps me through these mind issues because I dislike myself so much for it I feel when I get like that I hurt others un intentionally, I dont want to hurt them but I blurt something out and at that moment Im like yes now you hurt but really I dont want that. I dont like hurting the people I love especially Jerald. Im also tired of my anxiety. I dont understand where it came from but its annoying and it makes my thinking just jumbled up. I will go to juanitas church sometime soon when Im not sure but I will go because I said I would. Can I say I will keep going probably not for the reasons above but I think I am going to buy myself a nice bible and just read some of it everyday or every weekend. I need to get my mind body and soul healthy again and love myself. It hurst me when my sisters say Im crazy or that I dont let things go but its hard for me too. I feel I have been hurt and made fun of so much that I cant let go. I also know some of my issues have to do with the death of my father but I really need to let that go because I can not change the past and by me doing these things and not being happy I feel is just ruining my dads memories and I dont think he would like seeing me unhealthy and unhappy. I just want a peaceful life as far as my home goes the things I can control like my body, soul, faith and my love. I know it will never be perfect I will have my days but I know it can be better than this and it really needs to start from the inside out. On a good note though I have been eating 3 meals a day and I am trying to stay away from soda even though I took a couple sips from jeralds cup. I dont know if I have lost weight but its a start I have only been doing it since monday and so far so good and I havent been eating late another good thing. Now I need to add exercise and go from there. Really this weekend though I need to go and look at bibles self help books. Need to start thinking positive. And I cant let people get the best of me like at work, I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong so whatever brown is mad at has nothing to do with me and if she is annoyed by me that is not something I can help all I can do is pray for her and pray that everyday I have a good day at work. I do love myself enough to know all these things and I guess I just need help but I dont know how to go about it and at the same time I dont want help I want to show people that I can do things on my own and be a better person be healthy and happy. I know I will and I can. Please God help me with these things and most importantly help me with my body and mostly my mind because that really is what keeps me up at night. I love myself enough not to go crazy!

For the past week my body has been acting funny. I have to pee all the time. the other night I peed on myself I couldnt hold it at all and I was trying to luckily I got out of bed before I peed all over it. I have been having pains in my abodemen area. I talked to my mom about it and she says its either my kidneys or I am pregnant I hope its neither Im not ready to have a kid and only because Im so big. I weigh 290 and I just keep getting bigger. I have tried many times to lose weight but I fale not because it doesnt want to keep coming off but because I stop exercising and start eating like crazy again. And I finally came to the realization or stopped lying to myself-basically- but I am an emotional eater. I stress out I eat, I am happy I eat, I am upset I eat. I loved it when I was skinnier. I have been fat now or over 200lbs for 8-9 yrs now I hit over 200 in 2001. Before that I was thick in highschool and regular sized before that. I want to go back to my highschool weight or be 150-180 I know thats a 30lbs difference but I liked that weight not too small but not fat. Just thick in the right places. I like curves so I want to keep them. Its just so hard staying on a "diet" I get lazy and just thinking about going to the gym is boring! I used to have a personal trainer which actually helped me because then I had to go to the gym because he was waiting on me. But its expensive! I think for 10 sessions an hour each is like 500 maybe more! Tomorrow I AM going to go to the gym for an hour and just walk my goal for the next 2 weeks is to go to the gym for an hour a day and just walk on the treadmill and start there. I really want to lose weight for myself but I also want to lose weight because my sister is getting married in June. So I have a little less than a year to at least drop 70lbs! Which I know I can do it if I stay disciplined! I need to drink water and some juice like welches grape for the next 2 weeks as well NO SODA!!! And I need to eat breakfast everyday!! I dont want to make 2 many goals for 1 week because I dont want to fail. So for this week Im going to have 2 goals: 1 NO SODA!! 2 TREADMILL EVERYDAY 1 HOUR!! I know I can do that. next week I will add on another goal and so forth and so on til I get where I want to be. It truly is 1 day at a time.

1 wish I was skinnier
2 wish I could win the lotto
3 wish I wasnt so quick to anger

I sometimes wonder why Im with J. we are so different, we dont have too much in common or I should say likes. but he does make me laugh and hes understanding, and mellow, and good person. But he doesnt get me, he doesnt listen to me and he isnt romantic. I know I can be hard on him a lot of times but he frustrates me and truthfully he is an easy target because I know he will not really do anything hes so laid back. I know I suck for that for making him cry and being mean knowing he wont do the same to me. I really dont like being angry with him or upset or snappy it just happens and I think I am trying to make it better. I need to think more and slow down when I feel like hes making me upset and sometimes its for no reason I just get upset at little things. I sometimes think it has to do with how my mom was with me but I dont want to blame it on her because I know I am in control of my emotions. But still theres a small part of me that is influenced by her. We grow up similar to our parents. Anyway I want to be skinnier not skinny but skinnier meaning smaller. I think I am at 290 now maybe more my stomach is killing me. I think its from being so heavy I was taking alli but they did a story on the news about how its making some people have liver failor and last time I took it I did have a pain in my side so I stopped taking it. So no miracle pill just good old working out. but when... I dont know. I will jump on the ban wagon and be in it for a couple weeks then get tired. I cant stand myself for that. I can commit to so many other things but this. I am beyond lazy with my body. I commit to my job, getting a car and got one, getting a bf and got one. Being able to do whatever I want. But being fat holds me back from being to be able to enjoy life. I did have a personal trainer last year i lost 12 pounds but I have gained it back since and weigh the same I did last year. Its embarrassing and depressing. My sisters wedding is next year and I dont want to be this big. I know get your ass in the gym then but its easier said than done. I just dont know why except for I am not motivated and you would think with me being so heavy the thought of having a heart attach would scare me and it does but it doesnt push me into the gym. I will start going though and I know I say this every year but I will I need to prove my mom and sisters wrong and of course number 1 to be happier with myself. I know that getting smaller isnt going to take care of my issues I really think I need to see a psychologist for that but it will be a big help. And of course I wish I could win the lotto so I can help my mom with her debts help myself with mine and help j with his. I would also help others make donations and stuff. but overall i just want to be happy and I know this weight isnt helping me at all. I truly need to get in there and work out and not depend on food. But I realized I am an emotional eater I get stressed out and I want to eat I get mad and I want to eat I am happy and I want to eat. I should start working out in place of eating when I experience an emotion. September 1st will be my first official work out day. I am going to try and go once this weekend to start me off. It just saddends me that I have let myself get to this point I feel like I am at the point of no return which I know isnt true but at the same time what if I do lose weight but cant get under 200 what if I ruined my body? I am just going to have to face the facts! Please lord give me the sanity and the clarity and the will and strenght to lose weight this year and go to the gym and work out. That is my main goal this year to get down under 200lbs even if I am 199 by the time my sister gets married I will be so happy. My second goal is to get a GS job and I pray I find one soon. since my job ends in february! Lord just help me with all this especially with the weight and j give me clarity of mind and serenity and calmness and wisdom please I pray to you! well I am off to bed

so I havent written since christmas. Hope everyone had a great new year! My new year was quiet spent time with the family rung in the year and went to bed. work has been wearing me out lately and Im not doing anything really just still sitting there. I go home go to work go home go to work. Im so tired. Anywho Im happy the weekend is here my sister is coming down from college for a visit so hopefully thats fun. I want to go see bride wars and the unborn this weekend hopefully both of them are good or at least enjoyable. I did go see benjamin button that was a cute movie really sad. Everyone for the most part was crying including the guys at the end of the movie a little girl stood up and was like DADDY CRIED THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE!! everyone laughed and he was like NO I DIDNT and she said YES DADDY I WAS WATCHING YOU THE WHOLE TIME! it was funny some lady was like IT OK I CRIED TOO! I didnt cry but I was on the verge I just held it in, good movie though. Anywho not much else going on Ive been reading the twilight series Im done with the 3rd book I only got into it cuz my sister was reading it she made me go watch the movie I had never heard of it til the movie came out, its ok. I just cant stand the main character she is such a whiner and cry baby I understand its a love story but the guy needs to get some balls. its annoying but its still a good read. well Im going to bed early Im super tired. Adios