humanhead , 18

hello!

life's been good. not perfect or awesome, but manageable or livable. so two days ago i had this random moment where i just wished that this friend who i am no longer friends with will contact me and the next day i get a message from another not friends anymore guy. except i dont want to talk with him. as weird as it is, i cant handle people in my life. after sometime i just get sick and tired of them. but now i know the reason behind that sudden dislike towards a friend. its the number of conversations we have. like the guy who got me TFIOS, well we talk maybe once a month or so. and its not even where i'd wait hoping he would talk with me.  and when i think of it, he's one of my closest friends, even though it may not seem so. he knows me, what books i like to read, how many books i have. and i was worried that it'll be awkward when he came into my room to pick out a book but it wasn't. it didnt feel weird at all, almost like he had been there a billion times. and thats what i want from a friend. i cant handle clingy guys who expect me to be someone am not. grow your hair, drink, have fun, party till late in the night. am not that girl. am me, lobes books, getting their geek, would rather spend time with the family than with a bunch of strangers. but that girl aint good enough for most people but whats shocking is that i seem to be such a disappointment. which, sure, maybe i am but isn't everyone a disappointment?

so life is tough. i've been feeling down for quite some time now. and there's no one to talk to. no one who will really understand. i dont want some one to tell me they know how i feel. why doesnt anyone want to ask whats wrong, and really mean it. and whats really sad is that i dont want to talk with anyone. everything is just not working. i mean, am okay being single. but then there are times when i dont. like when you are thirteen or whatever you think that finding a guy is just easy. that when you think you are ready for all that, there'll be at least one for you. i dont know, in a way, thats what i thought. then a few years, like two years maybe. this guy he suggested a movie. just us. see, our friendship was seriously limited to just chatting. he's my brothers friend so he came over regularly but we never spoke. so ya, he did ask me out i guess as friends. but i said no. i really liked him at that time. but i said no. and i couldnt even tell him that i didnt want to. i made it seem like my mum wont let me. i dont know why. i just didnt want anything complicated in my life. but now, i kinda regret not giving our friendship a chance. we are no longer friends and he lives in holland or something. but what if we could have been closer friends or something even more if i had just given us a chance back then? and you know, it keeps bugging me.

its not that i think we could have ever had anything more, but a few months ago he told me that he did like me. and that got me thinking about that missed chance, that one little word i didnt say. but maybe it was meant to be. we weren't ever supposed to be friends, i guess. but i keep thinking about him. cause i really thought he and i had what was needed to be really good friends. and in the end of our friendship, i didnt even want to talk with him. like i wanted to, but when we did talk it was like 'when will this end!' and now, it has. and there's nothing i can do to get him back. and the worse thing is that the day we had our last conversation, him asking me why, and me just apologizing, i didnt even mean it when i said sorry. i was happy that i had got this book as a gift and thats all that seemed to matter. he was just a nobody, a stranger i didnt want to talk with. and it only struck me a few days later that it was no more. and yet, it felt like life was perfect. but it isn't.

now i have all these friends. some i talk to daily. and some once a month. but even those once a month conversations are so special, so perfect. so it doesn't bother me. but then it makes me wish i could have something more. i've had enough of friendship, of just being friends. and you know, how they say, its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. well, i need to know love and loss cause i've never really loved anyone, been loved. and its so hard at times to be alone. such a disappointment to my mum, my grandmum. that here i am, 198, not many friends, never gone out with anyone. never been on a date. so ya. i just wish i could go back and change those little things in life. i dont want to be friends with the guy i spoke about. i would just like to have given us a chance. even if it ended or didnt work out. at least i dont have to ask my self, 'what if'

i dont like to party (:

nope.. i hope its all about the good stuff though