humanhead , 18



She hears the creak of the door,

he was back home.

She was ready today,

and he was not.

She has a knife with her,

the type they use to cut fish,

he had nothing,

but a bag with a few bananas.

She comes before him,

fear creeping in.

he smiles at her

and says he's sorry.

She looks at him in wonder,

she didn't smell arrack.

He hadn't drunk today,

he was clean.

She held on to the knife anyway,

and told him dinner was ready.

He, with tears in his eyes,

gives her the parcel.

She looks in and smiles,

“whats this for?”

he apologizes over and over again,

he really is sorry.

She drops the knife and looks at him,

astonished, hopeful.

The day he turned around was the day

she also turned around.

He stopped drinking, stopped beating her

and she stopped being patient, a victim no more.

When love touched his heart,

hate touched hers.

From somewhere, a dog barked,

just then a sudden breeze cooled them.

Was this their new life?

Her fear no more,

his anger no more.

But her thirst for vengeance

taking over his hunger for love.

Things turned around,

and now he lives in fear and

she in deep hate.

 

so i'm feeling much better now. things started clearing up. life is tough right, parents they never understand. do they really want you to hug them in fear and not love? i love my parents, no matter what they do, and what i say. at the end of the day it remains that my mother knows every one i talk to, every thing i do, and i can tell her anything and everything. i also know that i can choose to keep somethings secret but this would hurt her. my mother may think i am stupid, i have no goal in life, i should settle down, but i know she trusts me and she loves me. maybe i dont see how proud she is of me, but maybe she is. maybe she looks at me and thinks "i have a good daughter" but i would never know that i may be i dont need to know. she will always be there for me and i will always take care of her.

 

my grandmother has a reason to find fault in me. i always complain, i'm never very happy. i listen to music they dont like, i watch movies that they dont always like. my poems rarely have a happy ending, or has anything to do with anything nice, beautiful. but maybe they just dont see beauty the way i do. i think graveyards are beautiful, so peaceful, so perfect. they dont.

 

yesterday i was wondering about what we believe in. a friends mother was giving my cousin and i a lecture on marriage. marriage here is an important thing. the day i said i dont believe in marriage, that is what marriage has turned into, they were shocked. this lady has no daughters and sadly was giving us 'the talk' so she said how she believes in no alcohol, no smoking, no tattoos! but her husband drinks like a fish, smokes and has a tattoo. she's still with him. but whats the use if you are living with a man who is going against everything you believe in? is it a happy marriage? is it marriage at all? when i questioned her she said that marriage is about acceptance. but acceptance of just one? he should have accepted her beliefs and respected them. isnt marriage a two party thing and not a one party thing? if marriage is based on the woman being a subject of the man, is it actually marriage? the papers you sign, the rinds you wear dont matter. its just a way of proving your marriage. what is marriage if there is no love, no respect? it makes you two people living together, and nothing more.

 

yesterday a good friend asked me why i never go out. and i said i find it painful to actually dress up, get ready and go out. so he told me that i should change. but why change the way you are? people should respect who you are and not try to change you. they can help you, talk to you but they cant force you. my friend says she'll never get involved with a man who drinks or smokes. she would tell him that if he wants to be with her he'll have to stop drinking and smoking. but isnt that unfair? you can tell a man that you are leaving him because he drinks but you cant tell him to change for you. he has the right to choose whatever he wants to do. if he wants to drink, thats what he wants and you have to respect that.

 

everything has to be earned. love, trust, respect. you cant expect someone to love you, when you dont love. same with trust. and respect. its a lie if you preach about being a vegetarian, but eat meat your self. whats the use of it all? why try to correct someones mistakes when you have so many your self. people make mistakes, learn to accept them, make them understand their mistakes, correct them if you can, but dont expect anything if you are full of mistakes yourself.

 

this is the problem with parents, they tell you their life stories and warn you against things. but they are who they are because those past mistakes corrected them, so what do you learn from. maths, science they teach you about numbers, about physics, about chemistry. but they dont teach you how to live. social studies, psychology they teach you about the world. but if you cant live what you learn, if you only read and study but never apply what you learn, is there any use at all in the many books you read, the exams you pass? go out and live life. your mother told you when you were small that boys were dangerous. they wanted bad things. some people keep away from boys, they make no mistakes. some have boy friends, they get into trouble, they learn. yet, there are those people who go against what their mother said, know boys and yet, make no mistakes. so when they have children of their own, they have stories to tell. but the people who never did anything have nothing to say. they will be left with their parents stories, none of their own.

 

live life, make mistakes, correct your self, get up and never let anything pull you down. you live once, so just live

Yesterday I was complaining that life has been going well and that I would like something to go a bit wrong so that I can feel a bit down, not even 24 hours later and here I am hating my life. My brother like friend was feeling down yesterday and was chatting with me, so I was telling him all these things to feel better and I really meant them.

 

you may talk to me only when you need something, but know that i will always be there for you, cuz am just that stupid :)

 

Then put that as my status. It was nothing, just something I put together in my mind and this guy he misunderstands. He thinks its about him and he asks me why I even said such a thing, that I was just being rude. But its not fair, now is it? I spoke to him just a few days ago, he's the person I lean on when i'm tired, the person I can cry in front of when i'm sad, and when he thinks that i'd actually say that I talk to him because i'm stupid and I have nothing better to do, just breaks my heart. We've known each other for more than 10years now, we grew up together, he was that one guy I could always rely on, he solved my problems, he took my side when people scolded me and he was just there for me. But it hurts when someone says something like that, to think that I would even say something like that. People are so selfish. They only think about them selves. What about me, I have feelings, wont I feel awful and terrible when he thinks that I dont even care about our friendship. He's someone I really love, and I wont even hide the fact. I really love him and if he's hurt, I cry for him. And now this has really questioned our friendship. Him misunderstanding means that he thinks he talks to me only when he needs something, like half my friends. Why cant someone really be my friend, be there for me. I'm not the best friend someone can have, but I do my best to be a good friend so why cant people just be there for me too? Is it really that hard, or am I asking too much?

 

Today my cousin sister came here, and she was in such a bad mood. I have such a crappy family. Why cant they just treat her right, why does she never get the chance to feel special. This is why I love her so much, we go through similar things, and we always understood what the other felt. She's my sister and i'm pretty sure that we will always stick together. I love my family and all but they never do things right. Its always our fault, we never do anything right and we never get a chance to even explain what we did. We have no excuses and no sympathy. We are alone.

 

Friends are made, friends forgotten. But family cant be changed. And when they dont accept you for who you are, it kills. You can never please them, you can never do anything to make them happy. You are alone, trying to explain your self, but no one listens. You cry your self to sleep, and they thinks you are weak, you forget to say thankyou and it means you dont appreciate what people do for you. Why cant it be so easy, so simple, so perfect.

 

Todays entry is my way of saying no to life. Because I am really sick and tired of everything around me. I need a new life, but I am stuck being me. I need to get away, but I cant do that. I need to be alone but people surround me, they suffocate me.

 

It rains, but the dirt remains

hello!

 

psych paper today and am done with exams. i was up till late yesterday, it was so hot. but i had a sweet friend talking to me, and then i finally fell asleep. so this new friend, he's different from my other friends. reminds me of this other friend, but this guy is missing the weird scary psycho-ness the fist guy had. what torture i went through because of him!

 

so i really think that life is finally beginning to settle down. i've given up on half my friends but i've made  new one who is filling all gaps in my life. so its good and also there wont be any drama, like me saying something stupid while chatting and having to face him the next day and then seeming like a real idiot. plus we dont really have any friends in common, except for sarah so i wont be learning that this guy has been lying to me, from some one else. thats the problem with being part f a circle or group of friends. stories are shared, secrets not secrets.

 

and its also good to know someone who is not my brothers friend. i never know if i'm a good friend, just a friend, friends sister or sister. and it confuses me. people want more, people want less. i want more, i want less. is it actually worth it? so here i have found a friend who will never bring all those complicated stuff. we'll always be friends without worrying about what we mean to each other.

 

and friends get serious, at least the ones i have do. why did you do that, why did you do this! i mean, why cant two people be just friends, and not own each others lives? and i dont have a single friend who sings like this guy. he's the one who sent the song i fell in love with. and for real. i still listen to it over and over again. why cant all my friends be like this? sweet, friendly and good.

 

talking about friends, look where sarah and i have gone? we are still good friends but we are so different now. my closest friend in school, we have also grown apart. and she gets so jealous at times, and i cant deal with jealous people. its too hard.

 

well, friends! i like how i have so many different types of friends and well, enough about them. lets go on to life. came back home in the bus. i miss the days this friend and i used to come home in the bus after this science class in school. so much of fun. todays bus ride was a tad bit too boring but it was coming in the bus and getting home at around 1 or staying till school till 1.45 and coming in the school van, getting home at 3.30! got home, had a nice bath, really good king coconut water and later tea with biscuit. good that its still acceptable in here to soak your biscuit in your tea :D

 

the snake came back. though i dont think its the same one.

 

enough about life, enough about friendship, enough for the day. have a great day, smile a lot and love much more.

 

the rain falls, so slow,

and its so cold,

a tear drop on a rose,

i've lost all hope