humanhead , 18

hello humans and whatever others species that somehow found their way to my page :D

 

hope you had a nice day. it wasn't all that nice here. it was hot, then it was drizzling, then hot again, then raining, it back being hot. and within less than 24 hours! by brother and i made z pizza yesterday. mashed potato, tomato, egg and cheese. it was quite tasty, just that the yeast didnt work. i killed those little babies. and not intentionally. well, RIP little buddies.

my math sir came today, he had fever and now i think i maybe falling sick, and two days before my psych paper. the joy!

 

well, tomorrow i have the option of making either papaya juice or mango juice. although, i dont think the papaya is ripe enough. so hard and sour mango it is. yesterday something happened and i couldn't even talk. i sort of 'twisted my tongue' and the pain was awful, half my head went numb. and it wasn't for a few seconds. for minutes. then in the night, as i was going to bed, i had everyones best friend, hiccups!

 

so then i get rid of it after glasses of water, and then my grandmother and i talked, while the clock ticked away. i slept at around 12, i think and got up really early. i got the don williams CD for my mother and well, i'm really proud of my self, as a daughter.

 

well, too much is too bad. so good day! and smile, always

there's this poem thing in the weekly sunday paper. they give you a topic, you write a poem(maximum 100 words) and it may get published. this months topic is salt. so i write one every month, i never send them. i have no guts to do that. but anyway, here goes for salt.

 

different corners

 

tears, they fall down her face,

into a wave, the white foam,

joining the sea.

she’s cooking, a dhal curry,

to eat with rice and fried sprats

while she adds the salt,

a tear falls down her cheek,

alone since her children left her.

he comes home late, drunk

tastes the food, she loving cooked for him,

throws it in her face,

for it tasted like nothing, no salt, no spices

he’s running, away from his father,

who beats him for no reason at all,

sweat dripping down his face,

tasting salty in mouth,

as he collapsed to the ground

 

well, anyway, this will probably be a short entry. i really have nothing worth blogging about. but well, i will try to blog at least once every two days. these goals do good to me. i did the long entry one and now a week of blogging everyday, though it would be from today since i did publish at least an entry a day for like the past 3-4 days.

 

anyone out there who likes 'you're my best friend' by don williams? well, as a kid, i listen to this song over and over again. my mother was in love with it. she still is. so for mothers day i really want to copy some songs to a CD and all but i dont think i can. it will take a very long time, and i dont even have any empty CDs. this is sad. but i made her a card. i made one for my grandmother too. see, we always forget to look beyond what is said to us. who is our mother? the person who gave birth to us. but thats wrong. my grandmother really took care of me and she's the one that really kept me alive. so i shouldn't be waiting for some day to thank her, mothers day is the perfect day!

so this is really long and just full of my rumblings. unless you are extremely jobless, please dont continue. but if you read it till the end and find that i've totally wasted your time, then dont blame me. i warned you! :D for those who dont go on, have a good day! and dream big, they do come true

 

now, i have a problem. i am reading "a room for the dead" at the moment, and so far its not at all scary or anything. am on page 372, thats about 40 more pages left and anyway, i can deal with ghost things. like they dont really disturb me. but now, things are starting to get weird. and i cant remember what this is called, but it came in psychology. see, i feel an emotion(in my case i find my self in a situation) for which i have no immediate explanation so i label and explain it in terms of the cognition available.

 

what happened was someone has  put 'haha' as my fb status. now i never sign out and all, and my brothers friends were using the computer during the time the status was put BUT he swore that they didn't put. so i didnt believe him until i saw that this guy had posted "hi" on my wall. i know this guy very well, and i know him enough to know that the last thing he would do on earth is write on my wall. he'll send me a message or wait for me to come online. so at first i thought he was being random but what if who ever used my account was chatting with him, or sent him some weird message? and also, when i checked my mail, i had three friend requests, each a minute apart from the SAME GUY! we have one mutual friend, but it doesn't say who! now, it can be just that my brothers friends were being weird, but they didn't stay for long. plus if they were up to no good, they would do something much more than a harmless status and a possible conversation with just one guy, who rarely ever comments on my posts! makes you wonder. and also my password isnt my name and a few numbers, its a word. a random word, so people cant just guess it too!

 

so i maybe am being stupid and all, and yes, i am reading a story on a policeman and an investigation on a murder, actually a series of murders! but doesn't it seems a bit weird and really, i dont think am overreacting. my brothers friends have put crazy statuses before, but made it obvious that it was them! am terrified :D

 

also i've been having these dreams where there's this man trying to get into our house. am always safely locked inside, away from him, but i always shout at him, in a very scary voice. like a possessed voice. i saw two dreams, not identical, but kinda on the same lines. once it was a man stalking my mother, then it was a man stalking my brother. is it too much dexter, late in the night, and random horror movies plus weird books or is there some message in my dreams? like is it some fear of mine, that my brother and mother are not safe, and this feeling comes up in my dreams? i always get up, stare for a few minutes at the window and sleep again, this time peacefully. even if it has a meaning, is it what i think? or does the locked, safe house mean that whatever happens we'll all be safe?

 

what do you believe, that the dead walk among us, or are they locked up in where ever they belong, are we really safe from them? a man who does bad, goes to hell, a prison. a man who does good, goes to heaven, but in a way isn't heaven also a prison? life is a prison. we are stuck in it until we have serves our time, then we die and go on to another prison and so on. its a never ending cycle. by why think about what happens after death when there are so many questions about life? forget all the questions, its like looking for one answer in an ocean of answers. you may catch the wrong one, the half truth, the truth. is it all worth it? hey, we are young so why be so serious? really!

 

our parents are worried when we look serious, like we are carrying the whole world on our shoulders, but they hate it when we are not serious, just having fun, relaxed! its a funny world, and parents are the funniest.

 

listening to some crappy songs here i am, writing a billion words, hopefully, filling this up. now really dont you miss the time, a blog was called a journal on kiwibox? i really do. journal has a cozy feeling to it. so please, can we go back to journal? i can remember the day i wrote my first entry, i was nervous. would anyone even read it? then i started to realize that it wasn't about who read it and who enjoyed it. each entry should make a difference to you. forget the world, you cant please everyone. my cousins friends were telling me how serious and in a way mature i am for my age. the way i think. what they actually meant was that i had such strong opinions. like, i love hitler, it s not something i can explain, and i wont. everyone things i am strange, to like a man like that, labelled evil. but he was but human and he killed for a cause. isn't that better than just killing for greed like some people/countries who are, sadly, respected for that? also i dont like mahatma gandhi. i think he was just a tiny man, with useless campaign methods! non violence only works in a perfect society. here, where we are so keen to hurt and wound, even kill, only violence will get you what you want!

but what those people, who think i am so 'mature' dont know is that, i only have these opinions to be actually noticed. otherwise i'll be invisible, noticed by none, known by none. and my opinions aren't as grand as they think, its just that i think, i read and seriously, i can make up lies to make my argument stronger. they buy it, so hey, at the end of the day, am more a liar than a mature person! of course, not harmful lies, but well. its like having to answer an essay type question, but you dont know how to, so you make up this bogus crap to at least fill a page!

 

now dont you hate people who just abuse everything around them? love, friendship, life it self! its painful to watch and fills you with so much anger. but without just criticizing them and accusing them, why not fig a bit deeper? why not look for the cause of their abusing nature? maybe they were victims of abuse them selves, and they know no other way. i mean, its hard for us to grasp that idea, at least i find it hard, but can happen. it does happen. we are all victims of something. i know i was a victim of a loveless house. my dad was a great dad, caring, loving. but when i was small. after that i remember him as the man who would come home, shout and drink. my mother, again, caring loving. she's still that way, but she cant show it. i love my aunt because when she feeds me, i feel that pinch of love, in eat mouthful of rice she puts into my mouth. my mothers hands would be stiff and its like some one is pushing a fork down my throat. so i never really saw what real true love was like. whats a rally happy family like? full of love, joy, laughter? thats what i missed. and now i find it hard to love someone. whether its a friend or anyone, i find my self lost at times. i dont understand it and i prefer to keep away from love. that is a bad thing, i know. but even friends. i cant have a friend for more than a year. thats except for those marked as 'really good friends' otherwise i get tired of them. and i feel the need to tell them that so i end up leaving them and hurting them. all in a few minutes. its the sad truth of my life!

 

well, i guess i have to sum it up now. my mother wants to use the computer. and really i dont think i can fill another 12000 letters. though, really i want to. okay thats going to be my goal for today. i had a goal like that. see i dislike vampire diaries. i mean, it doesn't really interesting. at least to me. so i sat here, watching all episodes of the first season. watched every second of all of them. some goals i can get to the end of. some, i just give up. lets see if this will be something i achieve. i could fill it up with poems and stuff i've written, but thats cheating right?

 

hmm, my tummy started hurting. not in a painful way but annoying way. funny i didnt even eat chicken. i usually get tummy aches for chicken. maybe it was the engg. i hate egg. its disgusting. but i love a nice bulls-eye with toast! butter toasts. sometimes even strawberry jam, being the no sweets girl, i am.

 

its sad isn't it? not being able to eat sweets? but i guess, on the long run its good. but why live healthy. i do not believe in eating healthy! you eat healthy, you are hungry. and carrots and all those vegetables are a bit icky! like seriously. carrots are for rabbits and rabbits alone. no human should be forced to eat carrots, whether its in soup or anything! the thing is, anything that is colorful is usually full of vitamins and what not and/or taste horrible.

 

so really how many words do i know? i was just thinking about it! i will not sit and count the number of words i know. so i've been typing for atleast 1 hour and i've listened to atleast 15 songs. its about 8.20 in the night. a really warm, actually hot night and am sweating like crazy. please please dear darling weather, get much better for me and the rest of the world! i beg you, and you know i rarely ever beg!

 

i went to school today after three days at home. it was a holiday i  deserved. i had to clean my bed today. its sad. people associate cleanliness with females. this isnt the case in reality, i cant be clean and am not neat. my handwriting is terrible and its not fair that people expect girls to be neat and tidy!

 

now life has its ups and downs right? so do you complain when times are bad or do you just suck up with it and live on? why complain? why not this about tomorrow, which will be much brighter. the other side of the rainbow? the silver line in the clouds! well, its all crap. when life is awful, you cant just smile, and no one can and more importantly, no one should expect you to do that. after all its your life, how would any one else know how you feel? since, each person deals with things differently.

 

i was reading on the methods of torture and punishment during 15-16th century spain. wow! dont think am some evil strange girl, but those are just out of this world. its cruel, its eveil and i think its what describes the devil the best. i mean, even here, where non violence played a huge role in ones life, they used various evil methods to punish people. yes, they did commit some crime. not just theft and assault, but rape and murder. yet, can we say that they deserve it? people kill animals, shouldn't they be punished? why cant we take it as life and not just human life? because its not practical. can you sentence a man to death for killing, lets say a 100 ants? no, why? because we are human, they are animals. they aren't given much thought. isn't a butcher a murderer? actually, not a butcher, but those who work in a slaughterhouse? little chickens, cows, pigs, goats? is it alright to kill as long as its not human or of value to humans? its strange and its selfish, evil and inhumane.

 

so 8000 to go. what else do i have to say?

are there any john grisham fans out there? so far, i've met only one of my age and really, its sad. i did nothing in school today. was reading the whole day, tried to sleep but the chair i was sitting on was really uncomfortable and i was in no mood to change my place. so i just closed my eyes and let my mind wonder. its fun, isnt it. and then you suddenly realize how far you've gone? i like it. i wouldn't mind leaving school and doing just that!

 

so my friend told me that i am like his sister! i wanted to strangle him. like seriously, with my bare hands. i am sick and tired of the wole brother sister thing. i had a friend like that, we were really close, i really let him be part of my life, then he disappointed me. we still talk on and off, and its like nothing ever happened. we are still close and he is really like my own brother. but i cant go through the same thing with another guy. and also am sick and tired of guys treating me like a nobody. like am just there to talk to when they get bored. why? is it because they are ashamed of knowing me? since, i dont party or go out. i dont have all these popular friends, i like reading and keeping to my self? a few years ago i would have let this guy be my so called brother. but am not stupid anymore. i know what he wants. a girl to talk to when he has nothing better to do. but sorry, i have changed. i will no longer let someone, anyone walk over me. respect and trust go hand in hand. without one, the other dies.its like the sun and the moon. we need both to live. land and water. same. people tell me that i have changed, turned into this hard non caring person. but cant i be like that after being ignored, forgotten and used by many? so many of my friends, they are my friends for some reason. only my school friends are honest friends. and people i meet in other places, like here.. this is home..

 

its a place to be your self. why worry. there will always be someone to take your side. say that what you did was right. you can be happy, sad, confused, angry and the world cant say a thing. places like this are rare. where its simply home. a place to relax. but more than building these walls around you, kiwibox helps you solve your problems. i dont know, when i see a comment on one of my entries, i feel so happy. someone somewhere has taken there time, to read a page of my life. sure just one part, one say's events or maybe just a few hours. yet, its makes me feel better. since, while i live life, knowing that no one really cares, i know that some one cares about this girl who goes under the name humanhead. and thats what makes it easy to go through the hard times.

 

how did humanhead come into existence? funny story, i didnt even come up with the name. my cousins did. the younger two. two play a game here. and thats all i did for a year or so. then i took the next step, my first entry. it was like, finally doing something that i should have done years ago, and finally now, its bringing meaning, a purpose to my life. my crappy music, boring entries, nothing matters since this is a place where you shouldn't care. the world doesn't matter. so what, let people think you are stupid, child like, immature. people shouldn't be judging others. am human, am not perfect. am just, me. as the song goes, i was born this way. and people shouldn't complain. i will most probably live a life, unnoticed by others, so what! someday one one will stumble across my journal and read it, hopefully. and i really hope it would help who ever reads this. its like reading a book, thinking wow! someone somewhere went through this.

 

someday, i will print all these, all my entries and keep them with me. the story of my life. then i can read them and know what i went through on this day. what happened in my life. what i was like.

 

4000 to go! please may my brain be kind enough to help me out here. how hard can it be anyway. so my crazy life plan. sell everything i own and leave Sri Lanka with it and see the whole world. really live life. try various things, make mistakes. correct them. make friends, know people. do crazy things. why settle down? i would really like to just disappear. one day, i'll be gone. and that will be it. a girl once alive, now gone! vanish into thin air. isnt that everyones dream in a way? no more problems, complicated relationships, nothing! it will be true peace. the dream life. what life should be. its so complicated now. why should it be so? why not just live in the moment? it makes more sense!

 

so i need to give the songs a rest. my ears hurt. thats the longest i've listened to anything! its so sweaty. my mum is making soup. YUMM! it was my idea actually. i hate soup that comes out of a box of tin. and i dont drink it, unless when eating out, which happens once in a blue moon. nothing like a real soup.

 

i want to write a book someday. a story on life, love. everything as we know it. the characters, making them so real. so close to me. maybe people i know in life. maybe not. maybe versions of people i know. the version that i want, that i like. but then, no ones perfect and i love my friends the way they are. sarah and i rarely ever talk now. we used to be really good friends. and then, suddenly, it ended. just like that. she was always a bit too jealous and i was always expecting too much. when she went to england it was like i turned over a new leaf. i changed completely. more friends, more open. and she too changed. i guess its for the best. things happen, life goes on. and at first i really missed her, but now, i cant even remember how it was when she was here. its kinda like i never knew her. i know so little about her now, and she knows so little about me.

 

even rush. we were so close. i told him everything. he told me everything. suddenly, we became friends. just friends. with nothing to say to each other. at first we had lame useless conversations to cover up that silence, but it doesn't really work. what i like about him is this. he treats me like a human being. he was my brothers friend, now he's our friend. so when he comes over, he makes it a point to talk with me, say hi. all that. so i feel loved, wanted. and he really knows how to treat a girl. he's never mean. he never makes fun of girls. or insults them. he is a really nice guy. and i've never met such a person besides him. maybe each person has such a friend, and only one in life. keep him/her or lose him/her, your choice, your decision!

 

i've come down to the last 2000 letters. am so happy. even 2000 is close enough. i've been typing away for such a long time now and i've come to the end.

 

what about the end of the world? like really! how will the world end? at least how will life on earth end? nothing lasts forever right? so life has to end. and how will that happen? what would the last man do?

 

imagine one day, the world, so clean, so pure. when the last man gets to rest in peace. it would be beautiful and sadly, i wont be there to even see it. know what real peace is like. no hatred, no jealousy. no love, for that matter. love, is what leads to hate, jealousy, anger. we hate because we love. we kill for love, dont we? forget, actual murder but killing a persons soul? isn't that much worse? its like living the life of the dead. walking around, aimlessly, no meaning to life. hurt, wounded and weak. its like a blade through your flesh, hurting you but not killing you. the tears will fall but death wont come. like life. after death, do we really die, are we gone? or is it just the beginning of the end?

 

930 something to go. i can do thing. please. whats 930. so my soup is waiting. and its not hot anymore, my mother will hate me for that. whats soup if its cold? dont you love hot tea? like really hot tea, that burns the inside of you but leaves you feeling happy, fresh, satisfied? ice cream, oh! depressing ice cream. melting, reminding you that nothing lasts. even tasty ice cream, eat it before it becomes sticky milk. though i like it melted. though icy cold is nice too. coffee, nothing could beat a nice cup of coffee. oh well, a mug! icy cold plain milk! when i was in India, we had fresh cow milk every morning. heaven! really good. and the meals were always the same for lunch and yet so tasty. i really miss it. hopefully i get to go to Thailand this month. or i'll never be able to go. the European countries will have to wait. ot right now, finish some countries here and then head over there. so the end of my long long entry. bye