humanhead , 18

its sad how you stopped being my friend,
its funny how it had to end,
i wish the rules can be bent,
i dont like the way things went.

where are those days, together we spent,
i loved the roses you used to send,
this isn't what i meant,
when i wanted to not be your friend.

things seem so far fetched,
the way you described the dent,
that let to the miserable end,
of the time we used to spend.

cuz when you just went,
without a single warning sent,
and without a true goodbye said,
we parted, our own ways we went.

just a little something i wrote...  got nothing to say and for some reason i wanted to make an entry.. well, have a nice day... :) 

so my cousin is having this party for her class mates (next door). its going on at the moment. and well, she invited my bro and me. most of them are younger than me and my bro goes to their rival school. more than that, we didnt go because,
1)we dont dance
2)its gonna be boring cuz we dont knwo any of them
3)she invited us out of obligation and not because she really wanted us there.

so my grandmom raises hell because we didnt go. she went on about how our uncle does a lot for us and its our obligation to go. but we dont want to go. obviously my cousin wont be with us, she promised to stick with me cuz she wanted me to meet some of her friends. but i know that she wont be with me. when her friends are there, she gets this weird attitude and hardly ever notices us. so we';; just have to stick with our 9 years old cousins! might as well stay at home!

now my grandmom is in a bad mood and wont cook for us. i had a huge tub of yogurt but thats not enough. am really annoyed cuz i wanted to go for this school show tonight but couldn't get a ticket. so am stuck at home, listening to my grandmom complain. its good that my mum isnt home, or it will be hell in here.

i read "an innocent man" by  john grisham. its so touching. now am stuck with my ambitions again. i wanted to be a journalist and then a lawyer but now am not so sure. however, to be a lawyer in SL i'll have to do Local A/Ls and not London. so that means 3 extra exams. :(

we had no school y'day... yey! gvt made it a holiday... did nothing at all...

watched keith and a walk to remember... awful!

well, then... am dealing with some weird shit right now. later... 

okay so i have this friend. yes, i have spoken about him. lets call him, kevin, for the moment. cuz well, i dont really wanna use his real name.

anywayz, we were really close. as friends. we text, chat and talk. well, when chatting or texting he ends our convo with a "i love you" or "xxx" or something like this. now, i found him to be a bit too sensitive. like, at first i thought he was gay but later realized that he wasn't. now, we got really close. i have never met him, and i dont want to. he's 19 and been out with many girls. he says that he has made out and what not with girls but am pretty sure he's still a virgin. but he talks like he wants to just jump into bed with any girl! so thats why i dont really like him.

now my prob is, even though said "luvya" at the bottom of our texts, i never really meant that i truly love him. so well, last saturday, he called me in the night and we were just talking. that was the third time he called me on that day! so well, suddenly he gets all serious and says something like, "hey shailee, you know, we've said this to each other a lot. but only through messages. now i want to tell this to you. i really really love you" i knew it was coming but didn't want to hear it.. i was speechless for quite a few seconds cuz well, it was just too much. so i couldn't just change the subject cuz he didn't say anythng after that(which means that he as waiting for me).. since i like him as a friend, i told him that i love him too, and it actually made me cringe! so we talked for a few more mins and said good bye!

last monday he called me late in the night(which annoyed me cuz i wanted to go to bed early). anywayz, he was sobbing. lol now that made me laugh a bit cuz he acts all tough and guys who cry for silly things creep me out. shedding a tear or two is okay but crying isnt. he told me how his girl friend had basically dumped him. now he had never said anything bout this girlfriend. and it was pretty weird cuz earlier that day i was texting him, and gave him my new number. so he jokingly asked me why i changed my number, and i told him that i wanted to. he then asked me if my boyfriend asked me to.. so i thought he was kidding, cuz hey! boyfriends are boyfriends not people who can boss you around, so i told him that yes, my boyfriend did tell me (am single.. i was just joking).. then he asks me why i never told him about me not being single anymore. so still thinking he was kidding, i said that my bf wanted absolute secrecy! it was my cousins birthday, so i went over next door and got late to reply.

so he sends a message saying, "am sorry if i crossed the line. you must be pissed with me, is that why you aren't replying? well, i wont ask bout your boyfriend again" and i told him, "no, am not pissed. just at my cousins. and i dont have a boyfriend" a few mins after this message he sent another message saying "are you busy? i really need to talk to u" but he sent that message to my old number and i saw it only a few dayz ago. anyway, he called in the night.. and rambled on about how i should calm him down. then i knew it was the right time, so i told him that i cant be his best friend, and that i cant be with him forever. we spoke more about our friendship and i told him that i cant promise to be with him forever.

then the next day, he sends me a msg saying how much he depends on me and how i mustn't leave him. i knew at once that he hadn't understood what i told the previous day.. so i told him that i dont love him and i cant be his close friend. he tries to call me, i dont answer. cuz i had to finish a law answer and really badly needed to go to bed. so i told him that. and then he gets all "i cant live without u" so i told him that i depended on this guy a few years ago, he left me all alone.. but i survived. so the next morning i had a message from him, i didn't reply. he sent a message in the night too, didnt reply. same thing y'day and now he has stopped texting me. am actually happy.. now if you are wondering why i was such a bitch, let me tell you... since forever, i've been really depressed. there were times when i wasn't but most of the time i was. for many reasons too. anyway, this dude, really made me feel good. and i felt loved when most people stopped being in my life. and then i realized that maybe i was falling for him. liking him more than a friend.. so i really freaked out. about a day later, i realized it was just nothing. i started feeling really happy again, and suddenly realized that i was taking advantage of that guys love and i felt awful.

i explained this to him but he doesn't believe me. i think the distance will do good for us both. me i alwayz start trusting people and then they break my heart and am left drowning in pain. also this guy wasn't a person i knew personally. so it was better to let him go. him well, he was bloody depending on me. i hated the feeling. it wasn't good for him. he's 19. he should be able to handle his own goddamn life. i knw that i was being selfish but it was getting a bit too serious and dreadful.. i had to end it. now please dont tell me that i did the wrong thing. cuz i cant live with that...

so i watched shrek today. aww. cant believe that shrek stayed handsome throughout the whole thing! so ya, i did have fun.

then my mum and i are coming home, when we have to cross the main road(pretty wide with traffic)... i cant cross roads alone. unless they are small. i know its silly, but i nearly got my self killed, so! well, my mum crosses it half way and tells me to cross alone. no way was i going to do that. so i told her to come get me. and she says no!

she then leaves me there, and crosses the other half! i got so pissed. i came walking. and it was such a long way... i was dead tired when i got home.. and then my grandmom starts scolding me for leaving my mum and coming. she's a grown woman for heavens sake and i was the one who had to risk everything with a gold chain with me(ya, for this religious thing!) and my phone. remember, SL is known for its thieves.. okay, not really, but.. it was still scary!

god! am so mad at the moment... 

well, so i haven't made an entry since forever. things have changed like hell!

firstly, L is no more part of my life. he did some strange things, that i cant talk about there. so anyways, thats it. am so over him..
 
now there's this dude!  well, he kinda is very close and i used to really dislike him. well, am kinda really into him now. i cant believe its happening... so ya.. am trying to figure things out..

then comes my dad. i met my step mom aka *the bitch* about 3 days ago. it was torture. but whatever. it had to happen someday.

its raining here. floods and all. hope it rains hard today cuz then i can miss school tomorrow... i have a history test on lenin. i dont even like studying lenin. :(

well, my history teacher hates me. and am not making this up. she always picks on me and finds fault in my answers, while the other two students get all praise on earth! my mum says that it maybe her method of encouraging me to write better answers, well, her method aint working cuz now i hate her. i used to always dislike her, the whole school dislikes her but now i cant stand history. i always loved history! gotta have a reason to hate a subject!

ohh ya.. rush started chatting with me again. but i still hate him. i mean, he thinks its so easy to just forget what he did. urgh! and he started chatting with me for some reason... not to be a friend again. so thats it. he blew it when he hurt me last december

i think i've covered it all. little bits and pieces have been left out but they wouldn't interest anyone!

!NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, SOMETIMES THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!