humanhead , 18

so the project for awesome 2011 is happening. i watched a few vids and jeez! how lucky i am, how lucky you are. the number of charities, america has, the world has. and yet, thousands die due to cancer, poverty, other things. forget illnesses. sometimes there's nothing anyone can do. but being an outcast, just because you aren't what society wants you to be.

 

you are ugly, you aren't human

you are gay, you aren't normal

you like metal, you are psychotic

you are poor, you are weird

 

who are we to judge people anyway? so go watch the P4A vids on youtube or go to that site. it'll be worth your time (:

 

so my christmas wish, okay i have three, for this year would be(they aren't exactly just christmassy, but basically my three wishes before the world ends)

1.to feed at least 10 dogs in the neighborhood. there are many stray dogs and i honestly cant get them cleaned up, take them to the vet or give them a home. i could do that is i had more people involved but sadly, i dont. so my pet dog, passed away on the 23rd of December in 2007 and i was hoping that i could at least on that day, feed some dogs who dont have food in their little tummies. so lets see. and if anyone's reading this, try to help an animal in need.

 

2. be a good friend to someone. it was always a problem. i cant be a good friend. i muck things up. so i want to mean something to someone. do something special. anyone. not just a friend, a relative, someone i dont know. i wanted to send a few christmas cards to people i dont know. random names and addresses i got off the directory but then i thought, what if they get worried, some stalker or weird person. i would want to make their day but what if the opposite happens? so ya, i want to make someone's day

 

3. i want to make my family know how much i love them. by family i dont just mean, those i am related to. but those i love, Nisal, my friend, Sam, my cousin. my mother, grandmother, brother. and Sarah, who showed me that life is about having fun. my uncle, for being more of a father to me, than sadly, my own dad. my aunt for always making me know that she is like my own mother. my other three cousins for making me feel so accepted, so loved. and this school friend, for making me feel like a child.

 

so those are my wishes for this month, season.

so hello! life pretty much sucks. yesterday i had a nice nap. because i have nothing to do with life. yes, sure school work, loads of homework. but nothing i want to do. nothing that makes me happy. anyway my grandmom's friend, who is this awesome lady who lives this perfectly wonderful life came to Sri Lanka and spent the night at our place yesterday. she is in her late forties, a hard working engineer who lives in Australia, she has her own home, there and here, she has her own vehicles and she has all the freedom on earth. she's not married and her family comes from a small village. no proper house, no proper meals. now she does all she can for her family and she told my cousin and i that we can come and study there next year. there's this university, sure, not a really good one, but we aren't aiming high anyway, right near her home. so i was just thinking about it and maybe i will go. i need to really get away, do some thinking. its just that i'm so unsettled here. maybe i need to get away to realize how much i love our home, the people i call family.

 

so today my cousin came over and we were just messing around. we always manage to have a good laugh when we are together. and i actually needed some lame jokes in my life. so my story is kind of done. but its just three chapters. and i dont want to drag it on and on. but maybe i'll try something. talk about the present in the first half and the past in the second half. basically you are told what happens to whom, who dies, everything, but then you get to know the characters. something like that, anyway i need someone to read it a bit and tell me how it is. or maybe it will be my little secret :) anyway, its online so its not like people cant read it.

 

i finally watched "sweet november" today. i've watched parts, never the entire movie. and now i want my 'sweet november' okay a month more close by. but you know a short simple one month long thing. its just nice that what remains is a perfect memory of one month together. but then why wish for something you cant have!!!

 

so our little alvin or well, ashley (dont even ask me why we started calling our squirrel Ashley instead of Alvin) opened one eye today. it looks a bit creepy, but oh well. at least now it'll know the faces of his family members. and now i want a pet dog. i'll be happy with a Pug, West highland terrier or dachshund. my mum will never let me adopt a pig so might as well settle for a dog. but i dont think we are still ready for a dog.

 

okie so well, thats about all i have to write about

hello there!

 

so i wanted to write about this sometime ago but i had no idea what to write. so last night a friend told me that i should write about love, and well, i thought, ya, i should. since i dont blog much, nothing is going on in life, and i haven't had a long entry in such a long time. so here goes,

 

my thoughts and views on love and all that follows

 

so if you know me, you'd know that i'm a 17 year old girl, who has never had a guy, who has had various weird crushes and who doesn't want a relationship right now. am not saying that because no one has asked me out and there's no one who will want to go out with me, but because i dont think i'll be a good girlfriend and because i have no time for a relationship. so anyway, this doesn't mean i dont love/like. ya sure i've loved, or i think i have. and i've just liked. but again, what should a relationship be about?

 

yesterday while shopping which my mother, which weirdly didnt include one of our famous shopping arguments-besides what to get my dad for christmas- i saw this lady buy a pair of jeans or something only after her boyfriend/husband approved of it! i mean, when you are in a relationship, cant you make your own decisions? especially on what to wear?

 

so ya, basically i dont think that when you are in arelationship, you should depend a whole lot on each other. you should still be independent and make your own decisions. thats why i dont like this whole idea of marriage. some how or the other, the woman tends to depend on the man, and that should never happen.

 

now it may seem like i'm finding fault in relationships because i'm single. so i am happy. not only because i'm single. but ya, i have my times of tears. and not happy tears too. i do get sad. and sometimes i wish i had some to love. to feel loved by some one. but this doesn't mean that my hunger for love will vanish if i have a guy. the opposite might happen. i may feel more alienated. what if he is not all i want him to be, or hope he is? i'll be disappointed. what if mr.perfect, cheats on me? so does a relationship always bring happiness? no it doesn't. does a single life only mean loneliness? nope, it doesn't. some have no choice, some do, and choose to be single. but choice or no choice, dont be miserable just because you have no lover, be hapy that while others look for some one to be loved by, you survive without a special someone. and hey, doesn't mean single people have no friends, family. and think about it, you can flirt and be friends with any one you want without having someone to consult or worry about.

 

so basically what am saying is that love isnt a soloution, it wont end your loneliness or feelings of insecurity. and its not like love will always have a happy ending.

 

i dont think i've ever posted this here, but oh well.

 

his lips parted and yet he made no sound

she waited, knwoing what he was so nervous about

he couldn't believe it would be like this

she wondered why he chose the school cafeteria

he found this easier, more people, less emotion

she wished he would be quick with his words

he moved his hand on to hers and squeezed

she felt the nervous sweat on her hand

he finally closed his eyes and took a deep breath

she smiled slightly, he was ready to talk

he felt so confused about what was happening

she never thought it could be this hard

he finally said those three words,

she finally heard those three words

he took his hand away from hers

she stared at his from tearless eyes

he wondered if he hadn't been clear

she was too shocked to even cry

he had not said 'i love you'

she had heard 'we are done'

he got up and left, to live his life

she simply died with their love

 

so basically, the question is, if you aren't loved back, is death an answer? i get depression, or crying your heart out. but is suicide an answer? when some one hurts you and you think you cant bear it, so you kill your self, dont they get the last laugh? sure they will feel guilty but what they did hurt you so much, you couldnt live with it. this christmas, i have to go to my dads brothers for lunch. and i dont want to go because they make me feel like a monster. my dads mum doesnt evevn talk with me. but why give her the satisfaction of knowing that when she buys my brother plenty of gifts and yet gets me nothing, i am affected. that it hurts. so i will go there for lunch and i will maybe even get her a gift. i'm broke and its not fair to expect my mother to pay ofr a gift to give such a huge bitch. but lets see. now when you love someone, but he leaves you. why kill your self? get over him and show him that you can and you have moved on. that you are too strong for him to hurt.

 

we had this debate on euthanasia for law. and the main argument was, if you know you are dying and the pain if too much to bear, why shouldn't you be given the option of ending their pain, ending life? but think about it, as a kid, an ant bite is the worst thing that could happen to you, then it becomes a small cut, then a blow. what you think is unbearable can be bearable next to something some one else is going through. i dont believe that gods can change somethjing thats going to happen. no matter how much we pray. but when i had to go get a bloodtest, i went to bed the previous night basically saying "if there is anyone out there, god or gods. anyone who can help me. just dont make me live through tomorrow. kill me now. am ready to go. i have no regrets, no unfinished business. just let me die. thats all i ask" and all this because of a needle in my body, sucking out blood. so pain depends on the individual. and if you think someone leaving you is oh so utterly unbearable then try going through learning that tomorrow will never come for you. there are worse things than someone not loving you

 

never think that it was your fault. you did something wrong. think and believe that you were just too good for them. my grandmother always tells me that i dont have many friends because i am much smarter than them. she says this to make me feel good but i now believe it. they cant deal with someone like me, is that my problem? no, its theirs. so never ever for a moment doubt your self. or even consider suicide just becuse someone doesn't love you. they are not worth death.

 

am not saying that i haven't thought about suicide. i have. and i've decided that if i ever wanted to commit suicide, i will get really drunk or really high on drugs while standing on the edge of a cliff. and i'll be so high that i'll jump and i'll have no fear. i'll die happy. but i will do this only if i learn the world was gonna end the next day. and only then. so if the world was gonna end for sure, then adios world. at least you'll know i died a happy girl. and no, i'm not even kidding about suicide.

 

and you know how people tend to think that girls should never tell a guy how she feels before he voices his feelings? all bullshit! i told a guy i like him before he said anything to me. and i dont even regret it. sure, we didnt end up going out but now we are closer than ever. and i love him, but its like i'm his ister and he's my brother.

 

so this entry is going to end here. to anyone who reads this, dont think am depressed because i have no guy. i have some awesome friends, i love a lot. sure, just a handful but thats more than enough. and so dont depend on love, dont make it rule your life. love is an option. its not a must to have a guy as soon as you understand the concept of love. someday if i find the right guy, i'll know that the wait was worth it. i maynt ever have a billion guys in my history, but one for my present and future is all i ask for.

 

so dont make love the sole reason for life, and a reason for death

 

and thank you Nisal, for making me write this. or well, giving me the idea. love you ;)