humanhead , 18

so if some came upto me now and asked how life is treating me, i would most probably smack them in the face, for real. holidays are evil. its the third day of no school and its killing me. mainly because i have nothing to do. i have no friends( am not kidding) except for the ones in school and i will only be seeing them in a months time :O kill me! now if you read my previous blog( am pretty sure i spoke about this) i left fb and cut off all contact with my so called friends. then i had two friends left. sarah, and we mail each other but thats about it as its not like i can hop into a plane and fly off to meet her. and then there was( yes, was) nisal. or the guy who sings. now we were good friends. but then he said something so evil that now i cant look at him as a good friend. i wont be telling you what he said as its unnecessary to dig up old things but now i am seriously thinking of just sticking with the people i know well, people i grew up with. much much easier. so besides watching a lot of tv and coming online, i usually spend the entire day reading or trying to understand the great instrument people call the guitar. its evil and i may never figure it out. although i know G F C and something else. well, then this will be it for todays entry, everyone have a great day. anyone british reading this please explain the situation over there. though really i wouldn't care much about it (trust me, i am biased against certain countries) but i have friends who live there and would like to know how bad it is

so i basically come online a lot, though i still dont use the computer. but well, these vlogbrother vids on youtube are worth throwing away my goal for. so besides the fact that am on a mission to somehow collect enough money(remember the book+shipping) to buy will grayson will grayson which is a book by john green(looking for alaska made him my 2nd favourite non Sri Lankan author) and DAVID LEVITHAN (my favourite non Sri Lankan author, as you know boy meets boy totally captured my mind heart, whatever) so imagine that. a book by the best guys on earth.

i text my cousin, like a lot. and too much since i cant afford it. and i cut down on my messages to my friend nisal, who came to my life technically first. so ya, water can be better although not thicker than blood. well, i guess this is it since i just felt really bad to not leave an entry, although i am quite aware of my unknownness over here. and happily it doesn't even bother me

so i thought of writing since i finally got a few minutes online. i've been banned from the computer, my brother is away with 'that side of the family' and i sneaked up and well, here i am. nearly three weeks away from facebook and i dont even miss it. those friends, they dont miss me, i do miss them but only because they come over often and its sad that they dont even see how withdrawn i am. like two or three days ago this close friend asked me why i never come online and i said 'just' and he left it at that. we grew up together, i was there when he wasn't feeling good. a look at his face and i knew he was going through a bad time. but nothing from him. why do i end up with such crappy friends?

so am learning to play the guitar! yey! and also i've reading more. going through a very religious time, since my family is involved with these two temples so ya. and i've been spending more time questioning life, much to the dismay of my grandmother. my brother and i dont really speak anymore. we used to be so close and now, its like, we dont even know each other. i read 'the little friend' which is a must read book. beautiful!

i made my cousins card/gift. her birthday is in a weeks time but i'll most probably be too busy or forget about it so i made it already. its a little book, a story for her. with pictures and all. i painted after a long time. i haven't been writing at all, except in my diary but just shorts daily entries. i feel happy about leaving the online world, which really liked to hit me in the face about how much my friends love me(thats a lot of sarcasm there) so this certain someone finally said three words to me, i think there is progress there, will we end up actually having a conversation ever or will it be just a word or two every time he comes over?

as easy as it is to live like this, away from the world, except that one friend who actually talks with me, at least once in two days and my school friends who i love so much, i kind of miss everything. but this is better, as friendless as i am, as much as i would love a best friend to talk to right now, i cant help what life is. and while i am not turning into some religious freak, i like the whole temple going, dhamma book reading. it explains a lot and at the moment am thinking about some how finishing journalism and then living in a forest or something. not impossible, right? am so distant from everyone anyway, i cant care. its sad, that i feel no love anymore. like my grand aunts daughter will most probably have her baby tomorrow and she has some minor problem. close knit as this family is, even a cold will make us worry. but it didn't bother me. i miss my dad but am happy that he's away, am sick and tired of using him, to get things i want.

one last thing. something i dont think i mentioned here. i never mentioned it to anyone. well, the day i left for bangkok, i was so nervous. in the lounge, i spend at least five minutes in the bathroom, twice, just trying to breathe. it wasn't about the flying or anything, but not having my mother, my grandmother close to me, when i needed them the most. having to meet my step mom, share an apartment with her for 10days! its was terrible and i just felt so helpless. now am not that person anymore. for three days now i've been left home alone for at least an hour everyday, and it all felt so alien. like being at a friends house for the first time, and feeling so awkward. my mum worries about me but i have given up. not with life, i want to live and see the entire world, so my silence doesn't mean that am dead. it just means that i have such a jerk of a brother that i cant come online. well, to whoever that reads this, this might be my last entry for quite some time. and what i live by is true. i kind of do hate all humans, in a very unexplainable way. just like how i hate getting my grammar right. people frustrate me, annoy me and i've given up, not on life, but on living with others.

good bye!

i was going through some old messages between sarah and i and everything seemed so familiar. back in 2009, october i think, this guy came between a really close friend and i. and it was some issue about trust. well, this year, that same guy was the reason for me to not trust that same close friend. funny how history repeats it self. and sad how, we were all so close back then. now we rarely talk, rarely share our stories.

am back in my room. its hard to share a room with my grandmother, this is better. so last night i cleaned the whole place, all it took was some anger, a broom and cradle of filth. now i have to deal with my typewriter. this idiotic squirrel who tried to make a nest in their has ruined the whole thing, so gotta get that fixed as soon as i find the money. yes, i am officially broke, not a cent to spend.