mashuki , 24

Slowly starting to feel somewhat better... going away at my dad's for the weekend was really the best thing to do though. Not looking forward to when I have to go back home though... because right now I feel okay, but i'm scared it's all going to go out the window when I go back there and see him. *sigh*  I hate this...

I'm officially moving in with my friend Danielle on Saturday. Going to try to pack as many boxes as I can during the week, and bring them with me when I go to work, and drop them off... my goal is that i'll be able to move enough things that by Saturday only thing left in the house will be what's in "our" room. Don't know if it'll happen... but i'm going to try my best.

I try not to think too much about the future right now... quite frankly it gets me so depressed right now... just when I thought I had it all figured out...

I'll be okay though... with some time...

So last night was probably the worst night in my life in a VERY long time... if you have me on facebook, you already know why.

We broke up.

Things were going great between us, or atleast I thought they were, until some point last week, or the week before, I started noticing that his attitude was different, and kind of weird... you know me, if I feel like there's something wrong, I will bring it up. I can't live in an atmosphere like that... so I did. At first, he would tell me that there's was nothing wrong, he was just stressed out with different things going on in his life. But finally one night, we had a big talk. He basically said that he started to think about our relationship because of other things that had been making him question himself lately, so he started to question our relationship, and why we were together. He said he thought I was at a point in the relationship (talking about marriage, but obviously, I didn't meant it for now) and he wasn't there yet. It would take him a while to get there, if ever. So anyway... we talked half of the night that night. I explained how I felt, explained why I said certain things, and then when we both got everything off of our chest, it started being better.

Or so, I thought.

Last weekend was alright... I almost felt like we were back to normal again, but not really. Then this week... was just weird again. I decided not to mention anything, and tried to figure out exactly how I was feeling about the situation, but it's hard figuring it out when you live with the person. And I was very scared of being hurt, obviously... but then last night, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to bring it up again.. unfortunately for me, seems like in all of my relationships, i'm always the one bringing up stuff when things are not going so great. And it always makes me feel like I wish I would of just shut my mouth, but in a way... I needed to know. If things were to end, I needed to know now, so I could start moving on.

At the beggining of the conversation, I asked him if he had made a decision about us. At first he said he still wasn't sure... he always brings up how beautiful, awesome, smart, and such the perfect girlfriend, which in a way doesn't make things better. He finally said that the 2 years we had were the best he's ever had... that he had never loved anyone like he loved me, but unfortunately he didn't think we should continue being together. He said he thought his feelings had changed, and he didn't thought it was fair for me... he wanted it to finish well, he didn't want it to finish like his last relationship. He wanted to be able to look back at our time together, and be able to cherish it.

It all makes sense... I understand where he's coming from, and I truly appreciate him for being so honest. Most guys would of stayed with me anyway, and probably cheat, or just be miserable. Atleast he had the guts to tell me the truth... which I know will help me move on, because I've had closure. Not saying it will be easy... FAR from it. I will probably cry my eyes out every night before going to bed for the next month, but atleast I know, and I know now. Better than to find out months, or years from now. It would be even harder.

It just sucks though... so damn much!! I really wish it were all a bad dream... i'm trying to keep myself positive, and try to think of it as a great experience that I will never forget, but the truth is, I am SO scared I will never find anyone so amazing as he is... I always thought he was perfect for me. He understood me, and was always there for me. He never had a problem with the load of attention I gave him, which is what most guys don't like about me. Because he was the same way. I don't know if I can find someone like that again... i'm terrified, and to be brutaly honest, i'm terrified of staying alone forever, because I won't be able to find anyone that compares.

When the time comes and i'm ready, I won't be looking for someone to replace him, because that won't happen. He's not replaceable... but I would like to find someone with his qualities, you know?

This is just such a horrible situation...

On top of that, obviously I need to find somewhere else to stay. If you can remember why I moved here 2 years ago, you can remember that I don't really have anywheres to go. That's one thing that stresses me out extremely... not that he's kicking me out, he wants me to stay as long as I need to, again another thing why I love him so much, but I don't want to... I don't want to see him everyday. I won't be able to move on, I know it. It will just make things even more complicated, and hard, for me. Maybe for him it'll be fine, but for me it won't. It's nice not to have the pressure to leave, but there's still somewhat a pressure to leave from myself.

I was hoping I could afford a place by myself, not anything fancy... something like a bachelor appartement. For those who don't know what that is, basically you have one room which is your living room/bedroom and then a kitchen (probably not big enough to put a kitchen table though), and a bathroom. I would rather live on my own, but reality is... I can't afford it. I would have to buy a few things as well... I already own most of what I need, but there's still a few things I would need to buy, if I moved in by myself. I spoke with a girl I used to work with at Homburg (renting appartments) and she told me I should speak to Will (my old boss) to see if he would not be able to cut me a deal somehow... I don't expect him to, but it doesn't hurt to try. I would still need to buy the things I need, and pay a security deposit. But we'll see...

My other option is to find a roomate, or a room to rent. I don't really like the idea of renting a room in a stranger's home, or living with strangers, but if I have to, I will. My friend Danielle also has a 2 bedroom apt. and apparentely has been looking for a roomate... it would be a lot cheaper than getting my own place, because I wouldn't need to buy anything for the appartment, since she already has everything. But i'm not a fan of the area she lives in (it's horrible for traffic) and i'm scared we won't get along. We got along well when we lived together when we were both living at Janie's... and she's single as well, and have been for a little while, so she can relate to how i;m feeling. And maybe living with someone won't make me feel so alone... but I don't know. I'm willing to try it... we'll see what happens. I'm probably going to go visit her appartment, and we'll talk more about details... then I'll be able to make a better decision.

I hope that I will be okay... I know I eventually will be, and people keep on telling me that life goes on, and there's plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just really tough right now... I wish I could sleep well, and not be able to think about it for atleast a few hours. Atleast it'll give me a break of all this thinking...

I came on here so many times since the last time I wrote, and almost every single time I start writing an entry, but I always end up deleting it, because I don't really see the point anymore... I always thought that I was writing for myself, but also to see others point of view, but now i'm realizing that other's point of view don't really matter. You need to do things for yourself sometimes, in life. And that's why I think i'm going to try to write in here more often... plus it's kind of nice to be able to read old entries... sometimes it makes me wonder what I was thinking, but it's all part of the experience! :)

I still love my new job. I know for a fact now that i've definately made the right decision by leaving the Caisse Populaire. Looking back now, I can tell how really unhappy I was. I can't believe I stayed somewheres that long that made me so unhappy. It's so not like me! But hey... sometimes you have to do, what you gotta do, to survive. These bills aren't going to pay themselves so...

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the really bad things. But in this case... thinking about it, I really don't think I would of been able to handle and enjoy the job i'm doing now. It would of been too much pressure, and I know myself well enough to know that I would of not been able to handle it. So I guess there was a reason why I stayed at the Caisse, I learned so much about myself! And I was able to find the help I needed to have more confidence in myself, and in my future, to take such a leap of faith. Because it really was... it could of turned out badly, but it didn't. Because I was ready. So yeah... I'm thankful. VERY thankful! :)  I'm so happy that I finally found a job that makes me happy... even though it's only been 3 months, I really hope it stays like this. I really do!

Christmas this year was wonderful! Super relaxing, for once... usually we spend Christmas Eve at my aunt's, and celebrate my dad's birthday at the same time, and then we have to leave later in the night for PEI (to spend Christmas morning with Jerr's family), but this year we decided to stay home for Christmas, plus Christmas Eve was a Saturday, so that was super nice. I think, even though he was a little disappointed not to be with his family on Christmas, that Jerr was really happy to wake up in our bed Christmas morning, and just take things as slow as we wanted, and celebrated just the 2 of us, and of course, with Harley (our dog)... it was a nice change, anyway! I really enjoyed being able to spend more time with my family on Christmas Eve (not being in a rush to leave to travel to PEI) and all... I think my dad was really happy about that too. :)  Plus we spent Christmas supper at Jerr's grandmother with some of his uncles and aunts, so that was really nice! We played cards all night, and watched movies... I had alot of fun. :)  The next day we met them again for supper at Pizza Delight, and a movie (The Adventures of Tintin in 3D... it was cute!). That's something we would of not been able to do if we would of travelled to PEI, so it was nice to do something different this year. A little change once in a while is nice.

I luckily had all of that week off of work (our office wasn't open but we still got paid!) so I definately enjoyed that... Jerr was off for most of it either too, so it was nice to spend time together! We see each other everyday, but it's rare that we take the time to do something together, so I really enjoyed that. Plus we spent some time at my dad's, which was really nice. Thaught my dad and Diane (his gf) how to play a game of cards that we always play at Jerr's grandmother's, and they really enjoyed it. It was fun! We also went out to a Vietnamese restaurant (the only one in town that I had never tried... i LOVE Vietnamese food!!) with them, and with my sister and her boyfriend, which was really nice too. :)

New Years Eve was probably one of the best part though... one of my best friend, who's actually also on here, came down for the weekend, so it was really nice to see her... we had a little party at my place the night of New Years Eve, and alot more people than I thought showed up! It was a pretty good crowd for sure... everyone had a great time! It was really a blast... and I actually ended up staying awake with everyone until 4am!! Which hasn't happened in probably 3 years! I was never one to stay up too late, but as I grew older, it just became worst... usually around midnight-ish i'm done and I just want to go to bed. lol.  But I had such a good time, I never even realized how late it was! It hurt the next morning though... we had to wake up at 9:30 to be able to leave for 10 for PEI to spend New Year with Jerr's family, so you can imagine how tired we were... once again, surprised myself, even running on like 4-5 hours of sleep, I still ended up only going to bed around 1am that night, because we were having so much fun talking at his dad's with his sister, and everyone... but I can guarantee you, I slept like a rock that night!! Best sleep ever, but not long enough, unfortunately... I will have to catch up on my sleep this weekend to make up for it, but it was sooo worth it!! :)

Other than that, not much is new... my dad bought me a car starter for Christmas, and got it installed for me. I LOVE it!!! I've wanted one ever since I got the car, but could never afford it. It's funny, because when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I never mentionned it. He just came up with it himself, I thought it was nice. :)  Now I don't think I ever want to get rid of my car!!  I was thinking of maybe getting something else when it's time to refinance my loan in about 2 years, but I don't think I want to now... plus my payments should go down by alot, so... i'll probably end up keeping it. Not that I don't like my car, I love it.. but if we plan on having another dog, we need a bigger car. Jerr drives a little Honda Civic, and I drive a Mazda 3. So we would atleast need something that's hatchback... Jerr wants a small truck, but if I were to change cars, I would probably get an SUV. But it would have to be something that's pretty good on gas, since we have to travel 30 mins each way to get to work everyday. But I don't think i'm going to trade it now... we'll see when the time comes. :)

Harley is getting SO big!! I don't think i've mentionned how big he's gotten... for the fun of it, we decided to weight him during Christmas break, and he's now weighting 103lbs! My dad likes to say that "it's not a dog, it's a horse!" lol  But he's so big now.. and i'm sure he's not done growing either! He only turned 1 year old last month! I look at older pictures of him now, and I can't believe how small he used to be... now he's just so huge! He's gotten alot better in general, though... he's even loose in the house at night now, and doesn't destroy anything! He just goes upstairs (our room is downstairs) and sleep on "his" couch. We were even able to put a real Christmas tree up! At first we were a little scared, since it was his first Christmas with us, and we didn't really know how he was going to react to it, because he LOVES bitting on wood/branches/whatever he can find that belongs outside, so we were sure that he would destroy it. We even decided to test him at first (especially since he's loose at night) and just put the lights in for the first few days. And then we started decorating bit by bit, and he never even tried to eat the tree, or get an ornament.. whatsoever! I was so impressed with him!! Even the Christmas decorations around the house, he never touched them. Except that poor tiny little teddy bear snowman I had hung on the closet door that he found and ripped apart... but that wasn't a big deal. I'm just so impressed with how well behaved he has become... he still has things to work on, but for the most part, he's a GREAT dog. And people tell us all the time how great he is... he even spent a night at Jerr's friend, who has a purebred German Shepart and black Lab, while we were in PEI on New Years, and he even said that Harley was an awesome dog, and that if ever we wanted to get rid of him, he would take him in a heartbeat. lol.  And I even compare him to other dogs sometimes when we're somewheres with him, or other people are over at our house with their dogs, and I can't believe how good he is! Even the first time we got him "dogsitted" for the day, so he would have friends to play with instead of being in a kennel all day long, the lady that owns it couldn't believe how good he was, and how she never seen a dog that doesn't bark. She couldn't believe it! That was one thing I wanted to make sure he was thaught; no barking... there's nothing I hate more than a dog that constantly barks for nothing. It's so annoying! But Harley is definately not like that at all. I'm so proud of my puppy! :)

I think i'm going to leave it at that for now... this entry is long enough for today lol

Goodnight :)

I can't believe that it's already November... that's crazy!! On the 22nd of this month, it would already been 2 years that me and Jerr first met... and on the 17th of next month, 2 years that we're together officially. That's crazy!! Time flies...

I hope everyone had an awesome Halloween! Technically, my "Halloween" isn't over yet... I did have a few drinks at my cousin's with a few of our friends, but the real party is actually this weekend. It's at my neighbour's... he couldn't have the saturday off from work last weekend just this weekend, so he decided to do a late Halloween party. I'm excited! Their parties are always alot of fun... we get along super great with them, and their friends. And they always even invite some of my friends that they know, so it's awesome. So technically I got to dress up twice this year! Atleast my $50 costume didn't go to waste... no worries though, i'm planning on wearing it quite a few years! It actually fits me really well, for a costume that's store bought.... i'll take pictures saturday, and post them on facebook, for those of you who have me on there. :)

Even though I Halloween is still not technically over for me, I'm still starting to feel really excited about Christmas! It's coming really fast!! I haven't started Christmas shopping yet, but will probably start buying a few things soon. I was really smart this year, and started a savings quite a few months back just for Christmas... there's nothing that stresses me out more than not knowing how i'm going to afford something, especially Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year... I love spoiling people I love! I know I don't have to, but I do it anyway, because it makes me happy to see them happy. So this year... none of that stress for me! I will be able to enjoy Christmas shopping without having to worry... which is so nice! I'm going to try to not spend the whole amount I have saved up, though... it's going to be hard, because once I start shopping for others... I usually can't stop myself at just one thing. So i'm going to have to be really strict with myself on that! Even if it's just little things... little things can add up really fast.

This month is going to be a pretty busy month for me! This weekend is the Halloween party, as I was telling you. The weekend after, my friend Channy from Halifax is coming down with her boyfriend, which i'm super excited about, because I miss her lots!! The original plan was that I would go there, but her boyfriend has family here, and it was cheaper for everyone if she came so... she's coming! :)  Can't wait to see her! I'm also treating myself, and decided to go to the hairdresser to do my hair... which I haven't in probably 6 months (except just a hair cut)! So I can't wait for that either... since I can actually afford to go to the hairdresser now! The weekend after that, is probably the only weekend that I don't have any plans so far, but the weekend after that one, is the Christmas Parade, which i'm super duper excited about! I love Christmas parades... they're so much fun! Last year we went with Chantal, and her now husband, and then went to grab a bite at Boston Pizza (one of my fave restaurant!). Even though I was pretty sick, and it started storming out after the parade, it was still alot of fun. :)  Hopefully this year we'll get a few more people to join us! That would be fun! :)

I'm thinking of starting a new Christmas tradition with Jerr... we used to do something like that at my dad's, and I loved it! I want to buy little ceramic houses that you can paint, and make our own little village for our tree... we could maybe each paint one every year (if I can stop myself at just one lol) and write the year we painted them underneath... and once our village starts getting big, we could buy little white lights for them! It would be so cool! And it's so fun... painting relaxes me in general, so I really painting anything! We would just have to get 2 to start, and buy some paint in tubes... omg, i'm so excited, I could go to Walmart like right now, and buy some!! If you have never tried it, you really should... you don't have to be good at painting! I'm not good whatsoever... you just have to follow the little pamphlet thingy that comes with it, and it tells you what color goes where. You don't even have to follow it if you don't want to, sometimes it's even more fun if you don't. You can also buy all sorts of ceramic decorations to paint... even ornaments! Kinda heavy to put in a tree sometimes, but that's alot of fun too. :)  Can you tell how excited I am?!  :D

I'm probably even going to start watching my Christmas movies soon... had a talk with my cousin today, and she made me in the mood of watching Christmas movies, and now I have to buy Santa Claus 1 & 2, because I only have the 3rd one, and I really want to watch them all together... I own "The Grinch", "Elf", all "Home alone"s, and I just recentely bought "A christmas carol" (the new one with Jim Carey" that I really want to watch, because I haven't seen it since me and Jerr's like 2nd date at the theatres... I also have movies that I call my "winter" movies that I watch every year like "Edward Scissorhands", "Happy Feet", "8 below", "Ice Age 1 & 2", "Ice Princess", "The holiday"and "The last holiday". Like I said... I really love this time of the year, unless you can't tell yet! :P

The new job is going GREAT!!! Couldn't go any better! I absolutely LOVE it... and I honestly can't remember last time, or if I ever, loved a job I had. Like seriously... I know it's only been like a month and all, but I can really picture myself there for a really long time. I love the people I work with... the lawyer I work for is a sweetheart, and so are the other ones! Everyone is just so nice, including the clients I've talked to so far... i'm just so happy with everything!! It's way beyond what I had imagined, for sure... I have never felt like being okay with waking up in the mornings before either! I don't even catch myself saying "oh great, it's already Monday again..." either!! It's unreal... and i've got plenty of great feedback from everyone already! One client told me I was super nice, and she was looking forward to dealing with me, and that I would do great... another one who i talked to a few times on the phone, asked about me to my lawyer when he met her for his appointment! And my lawyer herself keeps on telling me how happy she is with me, and how she hopes I never leave... she even literally told me she hopes i'll stay until she retires!! Isn't that awesome things to hear?? It's just almost too good to be true... so happy with the decision I made by leaving the Caisse Populaire, and taking that job!! My hard work is finally paying off... such a great feeling!

Anyway, I won't bore you much longer... it's already almost my bedtime (i'm fighting off a bad cold, so i'm trying to go to bed early so I won't get super sick like everyone else!). But thanks to those who keep on reading everytime, it's very appreciated! :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

take care

I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since I started my new job... holy geez time flies!!

I am in LOVE with my job... I haven't been this happy at a job, in... I don't know, if ever! Well... I guess I was pretty happy at first, when I was at Homburg, but I was NEVER this happy at the Caisse Populaire. People are super nice! Like everyone! There's one lawyer that has kind of a weird sense of humor, but it's all good... my lawyer though, is awesome!! She does a little bit of everything... which is really nice, because I get to see everything! But at the same time, it's overwhelming, because it's going to take a long time before i'm comfortable doing anything... since it's all new to me. But she helps a lot... and the other assistants as well! She explains to me things as we go along (I didn't get any training, it was all "hands on") so that's nice. It helps me understand, atleast... she's already saying that she's happy having me for an assistant, and she even said she was impressed of how much of a quick learner I am, and how really organized I am! So that made me feel pretty good, obviously... i've only been there for 2 weeks, so it's awesome that i've already made such a good impression!! :)

She is SUPER busy though... and she has a lot of big files. She is often in court as well... so let me tell you, I am NEVER bored!! I've already done overtime twice (I asked though, and it was just like 30 mins each time), and i'm most likely going to ask to do some again all of next week. But it doesn't bother me at all... I actually enjoy what I do, so even if I stay later... doesn't bother me one bit! I think the lady who hired me is scared that i'm going to over work myself though... lol  It's not an extra 30 mins here and there that's going to do much of a difference! If it can help me catch up on things I have to do then...

I have to accumulate 7hrs of overtime by the 11th of November, though... because i'm still on probation (it's a 3 months probation there, which is not alot!) I won't get paid for that day. So they asked me if I would rather have my overtime as I do it, or accumulate my time, and get paid a full day for the 11th. So of course, I said I wanted to accumulate my time.. time and a half would be nice, but i'm sure i'll have plenty more time where i'll get overtime, so it doesn't bother me! I really want to get paid for the 11th anyway, so I think it's a good deal.

The awesomest part, is how flexible it is there.. I can have lunch whenever I want... if I want to start earlier, and finish earlier, I can, as long that it's ok with my lawyer, ect. It's so awesome!! Eventually when i'll be more comfortable in the job, I'll try to come in at 8 till' 4, instead of 8:30 till' 4:30, so that me and Jerr can get a drive together... he works downtown as well, maybe like a 5 min walk. And he has to pay for his parking... so if we took my car, we wouldn't pay for parking, and it would be a lot cheaper on gas! So probably after the holidays, or sometime... I might ask my lawyer if that's okay with her. I'm sure there won't be a problem, though... :)

Oh, and for Christmas.. even though I still won't have finished my probation yet, they told me I would be close enough of it, for it not to matter... we get a full week off!! So we're off from the 25th of december, and only coming back on the 2nd of january... so awesome!! So I will get my week off at Christmas like I had planned, anyway! Without using any vacation time.. how awesome is that?! :D

Sorry if I can't shut up about my job.. I am just so thrilled!! It's awesome! I love everything about it so far! Maybe except the stupid traffic after work... that's a little less fun, but it's a small price to pay, to be this happy. :)