mashuki , 24

Just a super quick entry before going to work...

So I think my luck is finally turning around! I had applied at 2 different law firms probably 2 days ago (on the website careerbeacon.com) and one of them (the one I was actually most interested in!) emailed me back yesterday!! I couldn't believe it! I've NEVER had an interview at a law firm... no matter how many times I tried when I first finished college (I took Paralegal back in 2007) I couldn't even get to the interview! So I was super happy... and she got to me really fast! Which is really amazing!! Considering I never worked in a law firm, and don't have any experience in the field...

She wanted to meet with me before she went on vacation, and she asked me if I could make it Friday afternoon, but since i'm working... I couldn't. So I asked her if there was any other time we could meet, and I said that I was off at 4pm that day (yesterday) and 6:15pm today. So she asked me if I could make it there for 4:15! (yesterday)  Keep in mind that I wasn't working in the city.. I was about 25 mins away. So I told her that, and with the traffic and everything... told her if 4:30 would work instead, and she said it would be perfect. Keep in mind... the first email she sent me was at 3pm, so I had no time whatsoever to get ready for the interview. But thankfully... the lady was super nice, and really easy to talk to... we joked around for most of the interview, it was great! She really made me feel comfortable... and she was super happy that I am bilingual (french is actually my first language) and that I was able to come on such short notice.

So yeah.. it went great!! So great, that she asked me at the end if I would mind coming back for a second interview, and meet up with some of the lawyers once she comes back from vacation! Isn't that great?! She's supposed to contact me when she comes back from vacation, which is the first week of September. I'm just thrilled... I don't want to put my hopes up again, but it would be such a great experience! I've always wanted to try it... just because I studied in it, and it did interest me, I just kinda gave up after 2 years of looking, and never getting a call or email back from any of them... I know I should of never stopped looking, but unfortunately I did. Kinda got caught up with life, and everything else... and since I always had pretty good jobs, I never seen the point, if I was just going to lose my time anyway. Know what I mean? So i'm really glad that even though I knew my chances weren't that high (because of my lack of experience) I still applied. Because if I wouldn't... I would of never gotten that opportunity! And even if I don't get it... it's still a sort of experience, and I think it's going to give me the boost of confidence I need to continue looking for what I want. Know what I mean?

Even though I got that interview, i'm still not going to close all doors, and hope I get that one... i'm going to keep all my options open, and see what happens. So i'm going to go in that interview Friday morning, for my work, with an open mind. Because who knows... I might get offered something where i'm at now that might interest me more. Never know! Or maybe I won't get offered anything. Or maybe I will get offered one, and not the other. Only time will tell!

In the meantime... i'm just going to do my best, stay positive, and be myself... that's all I can do, right?

Wish me luck!

This entry is most likely going to be short... unless I start rambling on like I usually do, then it won't. lol

Today is my last day of vacation! Already... one week is definately too short! :(  We had crappy weather all week, except last weekend, which was REALLY nice... thank god! We did a few things we wanted to do, but because of the sucky weather, couldn't go camping as much as we wanted to... still had an awesome time, though! We had a big bonfire party not last Friday, but the one before that, to celebrate mine, Jerr and Rose's (Rose is my neighbour) birthdays... Jerr's is on the 2nd, Rose's on the 6th, and mine was yesterday. A lot more people than I thought showed up! Even some of Jerr's friends from PEI... so that was nice! We had an awesome time!! We were even able to see the Northen Lights! Very pretty... :) The day after I was pretty hungover though... even though I didn't even drink that much (only 5 drinks) I felt pretty good all night... and woke up feeling super sick to my stomach (probably because of the lack of water... I usually try to drink atleast a glass or 2, before going to bed, when I drink) so I stayed in bed for a big part of the day. Around supper time though, we decided we wanted to go camping in PEI. But because it was too expensive with the gas, the fee for the bridge, etc. We just decided to go somewheres closer. And we ended up in Fundy! I had never been to Fundy before, so it was awesome!! I want to go back now, I really enjoyed it :)  For the rest of the week, we just spent some time together, and went to visit his sister in Bathurst (which is where i'm originally from, and still have a few friends there). And we also went on a "date"... he brought me to Red Sautay Grill (Vietnamese restaurant), one of our fave restaurant, and then we went to see "Horrible Bosses"... really funny!! We also had a game night at my cousin's and spent some time at my dad's... so yeah, I had a pretty awesome vacation :)  Too bad it goes by too fast though!

I'm not really looking forward to going back to work, but in another way I kinda miss it. I couldn't be on "vacation" forever... I'd get bored really fast! And I have an interview friday for another position (still with the same bank) so wish me luck! That position sounds more interesting to me, and I would probably get some kind of raise (I hope) so it would be nice to get it! And I have a feeling that it's not a job that most people would want (because it has to do with collections), so i'm hoping it gives me more chances...

Anyway, I should go! I want to go to the Acadian "tintamarre" here in town, and it starts soon.

HAPPY ACADIAN DAY TO ALL MY ACADIAN FRIENDS! Always be proud of who you are, and where you come from! <3

Since I have the house to myself for the whole weekend again, thought I could use this time to write another entry.. :)

So unfortunately, I found out at the end of last week that I didn't get the job I was talking about in my last entry... it really sucks, but it's life! Atleast they were really quick in making their decision, and he even told me why I didn't get it (which is because I didn't have the "lending" experience they were looking for... like loans, and stuff like that, and they thought it might take too long to train me, so they picked someone who already had experience). I thought it was really nice of them to let me know though, and this fast... atleast I didn't put my hopes up for too long! But yes... my hopes were up (as you could probably tell reading my last entry) and I was pretty disappointed. But hey... that just means it wasn't meant to be, and something better will come along someday! And it also means I don't have to mess with my vacation, which is the second week of August. Phew! Because believe me... I NEED it!!

Going to an interview, and hearing what else is out there though, made me realize how much I don't want to be working where i'm at now, anymore... and even more, how I really don't get paid enough for everything I do there. I mean i'm pretty much trained everywheres in my department! I could replace anyone, if I had to... but my pay still isn't going up! And the type of position I am replacing sometimes, those positions pays better than mine. How messed up is that?!  You would think I would get paid more than them for being so flexible, and being able to do whatever, but nope... my pay is still the same. I personally don't think it's right... but everytime I bring it up to my boss she says: "it's not going up because we are going to train everyone everywheres so anyone can replace anyone if they have to... so everyone will have the same responsabilities."   Does it make sense? Kind of. Has it been done? Nope! So what do you think i'm thinking now.. it's probably bs. They're just too cheap. Whatever... I just keep on telling myself that the experience is worth it, and it's going to look good on me when I apply for something else. But one thing is for sure... i'm not planning on making my career there anymore. Not even sure if I ever planned to, but now i'm sure I won't.

Other than that, not much is going on... Jerr is gone with his dad for a motorbike ride all around Gaspesie (in Quebec) or something... so they're gone for the whole weekend. I hope he has fun! But I felt really bad for them this morning when I saw them leave in the rain... and it literally rained (almost pourred at one point!) ALL day... he must be so soaked by now!! My poor baby... :(  lol.  Ah well, he was the one too stubborn to buy a rain coat/suit so whatever... hope he doesn't get sick!

My friend Angela and her boyfriend are here for the weekend though (they're here for the U2 concert, which is tonight). She moved to Halifax about a year ago... and since then I don't see her very often, so it's nice to see her! They're spending the night here. :)  And then we're planning on going tubbing in Miramichi tomorrow. It's going to be so much fun!! I've only been once, but i'm pretty excited :)

Anyway, I think i'm going to go... take advantage of having the house to myself, and go watch some girly movies with the dog!

I hope everyone has a great weekend xoxo

The last time I wrote in here, I think was after my friend Drew passed away... it's been a while! I always come on here, and mean to write something, but I never end up having the time, or privacy to do so... but I always read everyone's entries, even if sometimes I don't have time to respond. Hope you guys know that! :)  But this time I really had a lot to talk about... and Jerr is gone at a friend's until later tonight, so I can write in peace lol   Hopefully it doesn't start thundering while i'm writing though... it's looking pretty nasty outside right now! I hate thunderstorms!!

So first things first... I recentely decided to have a little "clean-up" in my life... meaning friends that aren't actually friends, they only talk to me when they want/need something... that sort of thing. And I have to say, for some of them... it was hard to let go, but I feel alot better now. There just comes a time in life where you start thinking if those relationships are healthy for you, and if they are worth it, or not. And I really don't have the time to care for people, or be there for people, when obviously... the favor is never returned. It's just not worth it to me... even if that person could of been my best of best friends once upon a time, if they treat me like crap now... too friggin' bad. I don't have the energy to deal with that. And I KNOW I deserve better.

Also, things with Jerr had been "different" ever since he got back from Ontario last month... finally had the guts (didn't want to bring it up, in case it was all in my head) to bring it up, and alot of things came out... I guess when you're with someone for so long, you start taking things for granted sometimes, and you might not always think of the other person's feelings... or you think too much of the other person's feelings, and don't want to bring up something that bothers you that you really should. So in other words... we came to the conclusion that we are not in the "honeymoon stage" anymore in our relationship, and now we have to work together to make it work. Unless it's not worth it then... we should just let it go. But we both decided to work on things... and now I find we're alot more honest with each other, and even though sometimes there's things that are hard to swallow, in the end, it's still way better that way. There's no more guessing if i'm angry, or he's angry, and for what reason(s)... we just bring it up right away, and deal with it. Which honestly... we should of done that from the beggining, but you know when you love someone so much you're scared to hurt their feelings? That's how it was for me. And you know what? By not telling someone how you truely feel, whether it's in love, or as friends, it still hurts the other person more if you don't tell them, or tell them a while later. Because of the other person doesn't know what they're doing wrong, and just keeps doing it... it's just going to get worse, and you're just going to get more pissed off. So i'm really glad we had that talk... that was about 2 weeks ago, and things are a LOT better since. I'm more in love with him, than i've ever been... and he's starting to notice alot more of the things I do for him, and tells me he appreciates me (and vice versa). So that's really nice! I mean, who doesn't like to hear that! lol

Other than that... I made the pool for the Federal Government! Well... one of the departments, anyway. :)   (for those who don't know what a "pool" is, it is the first step in getting a job with the Canadian Federal Government... they select people from that "pool" when a job opens up)  That's HUGE for me!! Weird thing is though, I didn't get to do any tests, or interviews, or nothing... Jerr thought it was weird (he knows the process very well, he works for the Federal Government, and has been through that many times!) but apparentely sometimes they only do the tests and interviews after. Doesn't matter to me... not worried about the tests or interviews at all! Well, maybe the interview, a little... I hate interviews! They make me so nervous!! And when i'm nervous I can't shut up... and I can't remember important things I want to say. lol    So yeah, great news for me! Been wanting to get in the Federal for quite sometime... really hard to get into. And even if I made a pool, that doesn't necessarely (sp?) mean that I will get a job... just means I have more chances than someone who isn't in the pool. But still! I'll take all the chances I can get!! I applied for another one this week, and my cousin sent me another one that just opened up (in her department, I think?) too. So keeping all my doors opened! Never know!! :)

Talking about interviews... I had one yesterday! But not with the Federal... the job was advertised on the Federal jobs website, but it's not for them. It's for a company called Farm Credit Canada, which is a big company that make loans for people in the agriculture industry. At first I didn't thought much of it... plus the guy who planned my interview told me they were a contact centre, so when I heard that I was even less interested. But I still decided to go, because the poor guy worked really hard to find a time that worked for me, because my stupid work wouldn't give me any time off (don't worry, I never told them what it was actually for, I just said I had an important appointment lol), so I decided to give it a shot anyway. And it's funny, because when I left work to go to the interview, all I thought was "oh well, atleast it'll be good practice for when I have an interview with the government!", and by the end of the interview my opinion had COMPLETELY changed. I want that job like you have no idea... I don't know why the guy said it was a call centre, obviously he's not used to the call centres i'm used to! lol  Because he said the most calls I would get in a day would be 10. The rest of the day I would be processing loans, and filling out applications, and stuff like that. Which is basically what the job is all about. And get this... it starts at $44 000 a year! That is a $14 000/year raise for me right now... can you imagine!! I calculated that my paycheck would pretty much double! Holy shit!! And I would get 2 weeks vacation! And FREE benefits starting right away!! Isn't that awesome? And the job sounds super interesting! Only problem is: It's only for a 8 month term... and they can't guarantee that if i'm picked, that I could stay. Unless the person i'm replacing (on maternity leave) doesn't come back, and they're satisfied with my work, or something comes up and they have a spot somewheres. So that scares me... but if it's the right job for me, which I think it could be a possibility, then I would be more than willing to take a "leap of faith" for it. And even if I don't stay... alot of things can happen in 8 months, and maybe I would have gotten a call from the government by then! Who knows...

I'm really trying to not put my hopes up, but my god... I want it so bad!! And I know probably a lot of people a lot more qualified than me applied, that's what sucks... but hopefully my personality was better, and they liked me more lol

IF I get it... I would have to give 2 weeks notice where I am now, and I have no idea what would happen with my week vacation coming up... because by the time I give my notice, it will probably fall on the second week. So I have no idea if i'm still allowed to take it, and get paid for it anyway, and not get it off my last paycheck, or what... but I don't really want to ask before anything is in writting and set, because I don't want them to think i'm looking for something else, because what happens if I don't get it, and try to get another job within where I work now... they're just going to say "oh well, let's not give it to her, since she's already looking to leave" or something like that... and I know it sounds retarted, but I KNOW they would actually think exactly that. Because that's how they are... unfortunately. So I don't want to ask any questions that would make them think anything. Even though it would be nice to know before saying yes to a future offer (whether it's with the job I want, or not), but still.. I think it's better if I wait until I know for sure.  And IF I get the job... they seemed super flexible about vacations and time off so... that's awesome. It doesn't even go by senority! Its like first come, first serve, pretty much... except for Christmas time. They try to give everyone their turn. And... because there's an extra hour everyday in the shift, every 3 weeks you can pick an extra day off whenever you want! Pretty awesome, huh?

Ahhhh... it would be so nice if I he would call me tomorrow, or next week, and tell me I got it... *sigh*   Cross your fingers for me!! :)

On a more depressing note... one of my little sister's friend from highschool just lost her 17 month old son last weekend... they were at a family bbq, and apparentely he got through the fence around the pool somehow, and fell in it, and drowned. It is so sad!! He was the cutest little boy... not that I really seen him in person, but i've seen alot of pictures. He was really a sweetheart apparentely... the funerals were today. Poor thing... she had him young though... but can you imagine having to burry your child at 20 years old?? I don't think I could bear it! I feel so bad for her... she's lucky she has my sister, and her friends, there for her though!

Anyway, i'm going to end it there... longest entry ever, I think! lol

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

take care xoxo

Thanks alot for the support on my last entry, I really appreciated it... it's so much easier knowing there's other people on your side, and not feeling so crazy! Sometimes I think it's just me, because I know I can be somewhat paranoid on certain things. But to know there's people willing to back me up... that makes me feel alot better. Thanks guys! This is why I don't leave kiwi. :)

After writing it on here though, I realized how badly it was affecting me... and at my appointment with my psychologist, I mentionned how I was feeling to her, and the whole situation, and she agreed with you guys, and told me I should talk to her. She explained to me how to be able to get my point accross using the assertive/passive/aggressive methods (don't know if you guys ever heard of it, but if not.. look it up! so helpful!!). Because she said that i'm more of a passive/aggressive person.. like I feel like i'm bothering, but at the same time i'm so mad that i'm all over the place! And then I come off as too aggressive, and that's not good... it's not going to make anyone want to listen to what I have to say. So I learned how to be assertive, by getting my point accross, telling her how I feel, and still respecting her. So that was great... it was actually a great help! Because it worked. She actually listened to me... the whole time. She explained herself a little, and then appologized for making me feel the way I did, because that's not what she meant... she told me how much pressure she's under, and she kinda "lost it" herself, the same week everything was happening to me.. so we really had a chance to "bond" and get to learn about each other a little. It was really awesome! So i'm really thankful that I waited to talk with my psychologist first, because her advice was super helpful. And it's also going to be helpful in my everyday life so... i'm really glad. She (the psychologist) gave me this panphlet about how to be assertive in any situation, and how it works, and stuff like that, and in it, it explains what our rights are as human beings. And that was really an eye opener for me... alot of things I feel bad about, and i'm slowly learning that it's okay... i'm allowed to be upset, i'm allowed to be angry, i'm allowed to be confused. As a human being, it's my RIGHT. It's also my right to tell people how I feel, but in a calm and respectful way. So yeah... I learned alot!! I'll share with you guys some other time that list i'm talking about... because you might think you know what our rights are, but you would be surprised how many you don't actually use! I know I was...

So work has been a lot better now, since that whole talk... I don't feel as stressed and anxious anymore. Thank god... because I don't know how much more I could of been able to take... you already know how horrible I am with dealing with stress in general. I think it would of probably got me physically sick, eventually... so i'm glad I got it off my chest, and that everything is better. And that I got reassured that I won't lose my job... that was the thing that was bothering me the most! I even got congratulated on how well i'm doing too (and even by the "big" boss!) so... that felt really nice!

Other than that, things are alright... Me and Jerr have been doing our own thing for the last few weeks... we're so busy with our own friends, and projects, and whatever else... we barely ever have time for each other anymore. And when we do... we're too broke to do anything (not that I NEED to do anything to enjoy my time with him, but getting out of the house once in a while, would be nice!), and if that's not the bigger problem, it's usually the friggin dog (again)... I think we fight alot about the dog, and it really frustrates me. We're both hard headed, and think we know more than the other... which doesn't help the situation. But still... sometimes I get so frustrated with him telling me how to act around the dog, I just want to get rid of it. I know, it sounds horrible... and I do love Harley (our dog). But man... does he ever know how to push my damn buttons!! And having someone yelling at me telling me what to do, or not to do, is seriously driving me nuts. I rarely tell him how to act around the dog... so why can't he let me be? Obviously what he's doing is not working, because the dog always thinks he's playing, because he usually starts nipping, and barking and jumping around, and just being worse in general... but atleast I just let him do whatever he wants with the dog, and I let him try different approaches. But he never lets me... and then he complains when I tell him what to do! Sometimes I wish I could tape him... seriously... men! *rolls eyes*

On a little more of a depressing topic... a friend of mine that I used to work with at RBC passed away just this weekend... apparentely they found him dead in his appartment. He passed away from diabetes... he was only 25 years old, and one of the best guy i've ever had the pleasure of working with! We were on the same team... and that team, was the best team ever. We were all like family. So when I found out Saturday morning via Phil (not my ex, another one of my RBC friend who was also on our team) what had happened, I was in absolute s-h-o-c-k. First of all, in my head, Diabetes was never that much of a horrible disease... I know alot of people who have it, and they're okay. I never really realized how dangerous of a disease it actually is... plus he was so young! He only found out last September that he had it too! After I left RBC, he ended up leaving not long after, and found a job a few hours away from here... so he moved, and then he started getting sick. After a few days at the hospital, they finally figured out what was wrong with him. So yeah... it was long ago, at all! I had kinda lost touch with him though, unfortunately... I really regret it now, though. He was a really good friend, and he was always a huge help at work. He's definately going to be missed... his funeral was today, but I couldn't get off work, and it was in Miramichi, which is where he's from, and it's about 2 hours away. So I didn't go, but I know a few of other people that were on my team did. It's better that I didn't go though, I think... I can't stand funerals, they always get me so sad and depressed! Even when I don't even know the person, or barely. Just seeing everyone so sad, and heartbroken... breaks my heart. And I wanted to remember him the way I think about him now. You know? I'm trying to plan something with everyone that was on our team, so we can all get together, and just hang out and talk... we used to all be so close, but we all kind of lost touched, except those who are still at RBC on the same shift/team. It'll be nice to see everyone again though. I miss them so much! Learning about what happened with Drew, really made me realized that.

Well anyway, i'm going to stop it here... thanks alot to those who still read... you know I love you, right? :)

take care!