mashuki , 24

I just checked for the heck of it, and realized my last entry was actually 2 months ago... holy shit! For those who don't know me well enough, that might not seem like long (for the average kiwibox user, probably) but for me... there were points since i've been on this website, that i've wrote sometimes up to twice a day! So this... is a long time for me. lol.  Mainly because all of my regulars are either gone, or they don't read anymore... and one reason why I write in here instead of my personal home journal is to get some feedback, but unfortunately... no one comes on here anymore, so I don't get much of that. Oh well. It is what it is! I can't really blame them... this website changed so much for the worse... not even sure why i'm still here myself, but hey. I guess I love(d) kiwibox too much to leave.

I am... really frustrated with work at the moment. More specifically, with my boss. Not our "big" boss... but the person in charge of my department. See, she only started in January, after we merge with the Caisse Populaire in Memramcook, so it's hard getting used to her, and how she is... not just that, but I find she is very strict, and negative, especially with me (come to find out it's not just me, but i'll talk about that later). And strict can be a very good thing, don't get me wrong... we definately needed someone that was more strict because our last boss (who got promoted in the business) was pretty slack. But her... it's not a good kind of strict. It's the kind of "i'm going to nip pick at you until I find something stupid I don't like" kinda strict. And if it would be with all of the others, I could maybe tolerate it. But no... it's not. And at first I thought it was just me. I even thought that maybe I was making stuff up! But in the last week, or so.. i've come to realize that it's not just me, we're a few. So I guess she picked her "favorites" and everyone else well... they can bend backwords and do whatever, she doesn't give a crap.

It's to the point where I can't say anything to her! Because everytime I go to her, and tell her how I feel, then she acuses me of not being able to do my job, needing to talk to a professional, and being too emotional. Sorry but i've always been an emotional person my whole life... it's just who I am. Doesn't mean that I can't handle things, or do my job like I should... just mean that I "emote" my feelings more than others. And sorry, but if something is going on that I don't like, or bothers me, you're going to know. I'm going to tell you, and I won't try to beat around the bush and pretend like everything is okay. Because that's not me. I'm not like that. And i'm not going to change for ONE person that thinks I should.. doesn't matter if she's my boss! She could be the friggin Prime Minister or whatever and I still wouldn't do it. But if more than her come to me, and tell me they have a problem with it, then yeah... I would most likely consider it. But it's just her. *sigh*

It's pretty bad when... you feel like you're walking on egg shells at work, and keep on worrying if you're still going to have your job the next day. It drives me NUTS... I NEVER had to endure anything like this EVER. Except at RBC, but that's a different story... our team leader was a BITCH and got fired after I left, I believe. But still... it's not right! You shouldn't be scared of going in to work! At the point that you can't concentrate, because you feel her watching your every move, and like waiting for you to screw up... you know? I shouldn't even have to vent to you guys, or Jerr, or my dad, or my friends about it... I should be able to talk with HER and fix things with HER. But I can't... see, she makes this idea of you when you start talking to her... and it doesn't matter what you say/do, she has this idea of you, and that's it. So if she labels you as a bad employee/emotional/mental problems, then that's what you'll be. And even if you prove her wrong in front of her face, and do everything in your power to show her that's not what you are, doesn't matter. You're just adding fuel to the fire, pretty much... do I make any sense?

And i'm SO scared of talking to people at work about it... I kind of opened my mouth by accident yesterday (we were out of the building for 2 days for a course on CPR) and that's when I found out there were 2 other girls that were feeling the same way, and they also said they knew others that did as well... but then I feel like i've said too much (because I tend to go on and on forever when something bothers me alot) and now i'm scared they're going to go "rat" on me, or whatever... I mean, even if that happened, she already had this screwed up idea of me in her head anyways, but still. I don't want to lose my job over something so stupid... you know how hard i've worked to have this job!! I was without a job for 3 months, before I found it... and I know I complain sometimes, and it's probably not THE job for me. But still... I don't hate it (until very recentely, but it has nothing to do with the job itself... you know what I mean!) and I don't want to have to leave. I like where i'm at... i'm comfortable there. I would rather switch branch, and be in St-Anselme or Memramcook, because it's closer (St-Anselme also because I miss the clients there... and I know they miss me, because they were very happy to see me when I went there for one day last week!). But still... I don't want to leave. And it's not fair that i feel like I should, or will be forced to... I honestly don't think I deserve that. I've NEVER missed a night where they stayed after hours to call clients to offer different things, and I was always the first to offer to do overtime when available (and most of the time, I was the only one, pretty much). And if you look at my sales... you can tell that I am very good at what I do, and I am definately a people pleaser. So she can't go on and say that I don't do my job, and I suck at everything new I try (she didn't say it in those words, but that's exactly what she meant). Because *I* know it's not true. And for those who are around me... I know they can back me up.

I even tried talking to our big boss Friday...  he was very welcoming, and everything, but he told me honestly that I should talk with her, if something is not working. He sees it's bothering me, but he says I should try talking with her first, and if that doesn't work out, then I should talk to him. But still... I know where he's coming from, and that's why I told him nevermind i'll go talk to her... but like I said earlier, I don't feel like I can. She doesn't truely listens... she only hears what she wants to hear, and makes up her mind the way she wants, and there's no turning back after that. I know... i've tried. But I guess I have to try one more time... and hopefully she will get my point this time. Because if not... then I have no choice to go see the boss before she does something like fire me, or something like that. I'm telling you... i'm not joking, i'm seriously scared to lose my job most of the time, and I shouldn't feel that way. Makes me feel sick... like physically sick. Makes me feel like how I was feeling when I was with my ex that was controlling and verbally and mentally abusive. And that's not right at all.

I have no idea what to tell her, though... I mean, how do I start? Where do I start? I don't want to offend her at the same time, in case I misjudged her, you know? I could be totally wrong about her... who knows. But still.. I need to somehow let her know how I feel without being impolite or whatever. How would you bring a subject up like that? They never teach you these sort of things in college or in school... how to act in those kind of situations... it sucks!

Thanks in advance for the feedback!

I am at the end of my rope...

I have never seen myself so angry with something in my whole life! I already knew before having a dog, that I didn't have much patience, but wow... it's way worse than I have ever imagined.

First of all... according to the Vet, he should be able to do his nights by now (meaning 8 hours) without shitting or pissing everywheres... and he's not even able to do that. We have to take him out ATLEAST once in the middle of the night, if we don't want him to have 2 accidents (instead of just one). And if he's upstairs by himself... even if it's just for less than 5 mins, and he JUST went outside... he'll still friggin' pee all over the place!! I'm really starting to think there's something wrong with him. Either that, or his old masters were MORONS and let him pee wherever he wanted. I don't know, but I know it's not really normal...

I find he also gets really whiny... and if he whines long enough, he'll eventually start barking. And he always does that whenever he's not listening to us, and we get him to sit down, and calm down... it's so annoying! I've never seen any other dog do that... and i've had quite a few dogs in my life. I don't know why he's such a cry baby... it's like he whines when something doesn't go his way, and THAT... gets me super angry. It's almost like a child having a tamper tantrum... know what I mean? I just can't stand it...

I was SO frustrated with him last night!! It breaks my heart to say it, but I almost felt like telling Jerr that I want to get rid of him, because I can't take it anymore... he woke me up THREE times. I understand that it was his first night in his kennel, but still. At first I decided to just ignore the crying and barking, and hoped it would eventually stopped. Because usually he's pretty good in his kennel. But it never did... 2 hours later, it was even worse. So I had to take him outside 3 times. And he pooped and peed the 3 times. Which again... I don't think it's normal.

So now... I really don't know what to do. Jerr and I's ideas on how to raise him are so different, we can barely agree on anything. He didn't want to put him in his kennel at night, because he thought he was in his kennel long enough during the day. While I, on the other hand, thought we should, so he would learn that he has to hold himself until we get up. And the Vet (and other people i've talked to) confirmed I was right. So now... we have a whiny puppy on our hands, that thinks he can get outside to pee whenever he wants, if he complains and barks long enough. Not how I want my dog to be like!

Anyway... if anyone has ever had a puppy... any advice would be great... I didn't want to get him trained because we can't really afford it, but right now... i'm desperate, so i'm going to try to find the money for that. Hopefully it'll help. He needs to learn how to socialize with other dogs as well...

On a brighter note: atleast he doesn't try to bite anymore... he'll try on Jerr, for some reason, but he won't do it to me.

/rant

I need to write in here, before I explode...

Some people just... friggin' piss me off.

For starters, remember when I had to pay everything that my ex boyfriend owed on the cell phone bill, because he wasn't paying it, and I had to cancel it and everything? Well someone suggested to me that I should try to email him, and ask him politely if he ever plans on paying me back, see if he's actually going to respond... because my little sister, who still talks to him on facebook once in a blue moon, told me that he told her he would pay me back, so I figured I had nothing to lose by just emailing him and ask. Well... to my surprise, and probably everyone else's, he actually responded! And told me he would pay me back, but didn't know when that would be, because he had just started another job (yet again... that guy can't keep a job to save his life!). So I emailed him back, and told him to just let me know when he could do it... and never heard from him for weeks after that (if not months).

I had completely forgot about that conversation, until the other day, when my little sister came over to meet my new puppy (i'll talk about that later) and told me he had told her on facebook that he was planning on paying me back that week! And since I know she's not going to make stuff up like that... I emailed him again, and asked him about it. That's when he said he was going to message me on facebook (which is stupid to say, because he knows that I don't have him on facebook since we broke up!) and that he was going to pay part of it the following week. So I thought "okay, good! he's actually going to start paying me back!", but I should of known better... after all, he's so good at excuses, and BS... so yeah, that was last week, that was supposed to be the week he was going to pay me back... i've since tried to email him twice, but he never gets back to me. So now I'm running out of ideas, as of what to do... I should of just tried and forget about that money, but unfortunately, I can't. It's still $200 that I need... might not be much to some of you, but to me... it's alot. It doesn't go far... but it definately helps out!

So now, I don't know what to do.. I hate to say it, but i'm almost desperate for that money. It's not fair, it should of been something I should of been able to use for whatever (95% of my bonus went to pay that bill). So now I find myself thinking of how I could get him back... because obviously, karma is BS and doesn't even exist, or else something would of happened by now.

The living room set we had bought when we were together was all under my name... even though I paid for a little less than half of it, I never argued when he said he wanted to keep him, when we broke up. Now that I think about everything he has put me through, and still is... I just want to go to the cops, and tell them he has something that belongs to me, and just take the friggin' couch he has left (if he still does... I know he sold/gave away half of it to his brother and his gf). After all... the loan with the place we bought it, was under my name, and my name only. He can't really prove that he paid for it, because I can prove that I paid for it as well (through online banking). But then again... you can't tell someone that something is okay, and come back on your words, it's just not right. I'm not that type of person. But would he deserve it? HECK YES.

I don't know.. i'm just so angry! For letting it bother me... it's only money, but still. I'm angry with putting my hopes up, and believing him, once again. Even after knowing better for all those years... I still fall for it. Stupid, stupid me.  *sigh*

Other than that... me and Jerr got a puppy a few weeks ago! Actually, we got him on the 28th of February. His name is Harley, and he's a bullmastiff/shepperd mix. He's about 13 or 14 weeks old... the person who we got him from wasn't 100% sure. We actually got him on kijiji... some lady, her daughter had received him as a gift from a boyfriend, and they decided they couldn't keep him (the daughter was going to University and September, and the mother well... didn't want a dog in the first place, because she travels alot) so they were giving him away with everything (food, leash, bowls,...). When Jerr first found the ad (he was looking at work) he emailed me right away, and turns out I was on my lunch, and checked the ad on my cell. I think we both fell in love with his cute little face... and I think we both knew we would take him home that night (Jerr had already emailed them back, and they said we could go see him after work). We got lucky... because most people would of not waited until 5pm, and just gave the dog to someone else (especially since he was free, and so cute! she later said they received about 50 calls in between the time we emailed her, and when we got there). But she was nice enough to hold him for us, and wait until we made our decision. So I thought that was very nice... most people would of not done that, it just showed she cared where he was going, and what kind of life he was going to get.

Since Harley... I don't think our life will ever be the same! Not really in a bad way... there were a lot of things we had to adjust to, especially since we both hadn't had a dog in a long time (not even sure if Jerr ever had one?). We had to get used to the chewing, and hiding things so he wouldn't get to them... to waking up in the middle of the night (especially at the beggining) sometimes, to let him pee. To being a lot more active... but that was more for me, Jerr has always been the type of person who loves being outdoors and doing whatever. I used to be like that, but kinda got lazy with the years. We also are still getting used to our different opinions about how we are going to "raise" him... something we need to work on, which I know we can, it just gets tough at times. We're both stubborn so... that doesn't help. lol.  But in general... I think our lives changed for the better. it'll get easier once we have it trained properly... but we're working on it! We're even thinking of getting some type of obedience class... we even saw somewheres that there's people even willing to come to your home! Which I didn't even knew existed! But I think it would be a good investement. Now is the time to do it... he's still young, and willing to learn. And as maybe corny as this sounds... we bought ALL the books from the guy on Dog Whisperer. Which by the way.. is not as stupid as it seems, because it's pretty good advice so far! And any good advice.. we'll take. But really... he seems like he knows what he's talking about. I'm really enjoying them, so far... only on my first one (we only got them yesterday) but so far, so good!  We just want the best for Harley... and that includes the best training.

Other than that... my mini roadtrip to Halifax was okay, for the most part. Alot of people bailed on us (which i'm not surprised) so it only ended up being me, my cousin Janie (which i'm super close to) and Linda (which was nice, since I haven't seen her in so long!). But I was kinda glad it was only us, in the end... even though it would of been nice if Danielle could of made it. Because I don't spend nearly as much time as I should with them so... it was nice. :)

What sucked about the trip, is that i started being sick (again) saturday night... at first I thought it was the food, but then realised we all ate the same thing, so they would of been sick too. Then thought about if I was homesick, which I kinda was... (i know, i'm such a baby!) but it wasn't that either. Because I had my friends to distract me the whole time. Then realized... I was probably really anxious. And the more I thought about it..the more I felt sick. So I knew it was that. It's my own fault though... because I stopped taking my medication for a while (actually, I don't remember the last time I took it!). And the doctor told me not to, atleast for a little while... so I should of listened... because it takes a while to work. But I thought I would be drinking, and all that... so when I started feeling anxious at the end of the week before, I just decided to wait after my trip. because you're not really supposed to mix alcohol with it...  anxiety medication = anti depressants. And an anti depressant mixed with a depressant (alcohol) is usually not a great mix. so I thought I would be okay... but no... should of listened to my guts, and took the medication, and not drink so much. Then I would of really been able to enjoy my trip! But i'll definately know better for next time!!

But for the major part... is was awesome! Our room was the best!! We had gotten an awesome deal, because of my friend Angela (who moved to Halifax around summer time last year) and we had absolutely everything in that room... including a stove, huge fridge, a bar,... I was really impressed!! We were also in the middle of everything... our favorite bar was just on the other side of the street, and we were right downtown. So we could walk anywhere we wanted to go, almost. It was also really awesome to be there with Janie and Linda, and to see Channy (Naked__Truth) and Angela again... which I hadn't seen since this summer! So yeah.. even with feeling not too great... it was still an all around good trip. :)   The drive back was kinda bad though... we were all super tired. I had to stay awake, and keep Janie awake (she was driving). We had fun, though! I'm hoping to be able to go again soon!! I already know that i'm going with work in April... we're booking a bus, and spending the whole day there. So can't wait for that either!

I'm just going to end this here... WAY longer than I wanted it to be! I'll finish it some other time... and for those who read it all.. thanks for bearing with me! lol

xoxoxo

I can't believe that last time I wrote in here was last month! I remember when I couldn't go a day without writing in here... things have sure changed!

I am really excited for next month! Because me and a few of my friends are going on a mini roadtrip to Halifax for a night, just the girls... it's going to be SO much fun! We haven't done anything like this since my birthday 2 years ago (when we went to PEI) so... really looking forward to it!! And i'll finally be able to go see Channy & Angela, which I haven't seen since last summer so... really really looking forward to it!! Right now we're 6 girls, if Danielle can have it off work. So that means... we'll probably need to take 2 cars because we can't all fit in one car. So I figured if Danielle can make it, then maybe we should invite 3-4 other girls to join us, so it would be cheaper in gas, and everything else. The more, the merrier! :)  I'm so excited!

Another thing i'm excited about.. I applied for another position at work! It's closer to where I live, and it's the position i've applied for the last 3 or 4 times. I'm really hoping that I get it, because it would be the perfect opportunity. Not putting my hopes up, because I know there's a lot of other people with more experience than me, but hopefully... they realize how much I want it. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Other than that, not much is new... I had a lot of problems with my car loan for a while (trying to change the frequency of the payments, but the bank screwed it up) but it's finally all fixed now... it took over a month and a talk with the branch manager, but it's fixed. And she said that it's not going to affect my credit score, because she made sure of it. So let's hope she's right, or i'm going to freak out. My credit score isn't super great at the moment, and i'm kinda trying to rebuild it so... they better not make it worst! (P.S. i'm not talking about the bank where I work, but another one...)

Anyway, it's almost 2 in the afternoon, and i'm still in pj's, so I think i'm going to go take a shower and change... I need to go in town to go grocery shopping.

Hope everyone is well!

take care

I'm reallly extremely hoping for a snow day tomorrow...

Thursday is the longest day of the week (we finish at 7pm instead of 4pm) so it would be really nice if we got the whole day off!

It's announcing 20-30cms of snow starting sometime tonight (apparentely) ending sometime tomorrow... so if it doesn't start too early, my wish might come true!! If not... we'll most likely be closed until 12, but would have to come in after that. Which is better than nothing... atleast i'd get to sleep-in a little. But i'm really hoping for a whole day though... it would be SO nice!!

It's kinda hard not to put my hopes up when it keeps on saying on the radio that tomorrow is going to be horrible weather, and when there's warnings issued on every weather network website...

I think there's going to be some hard wishing tonight!!

*crosses fingers*

P.S. I'm already sick and tired of being at the reception (I know, i've only been there for not even 2 weeks)... I actually can't wait to get back to my regular position! I'm just so bored there... and I really hate answering the phones. Good to know that I don't want to be doing that as a career, though... that's why I think it's nice to learn more about other types of jobs... then you find out what you like, and don't like! :)