mashuki , 24

I have some good news for you guys!

1. I finally got the guts to email Phil (my ex) about paying me back for what he owes me for the cell phone... took him a week to respond (I don't think he has a computer anymore, though) but he finally said he would pay me back, he just doesn't know how much he can give me at a time... but it's better that he pays me back, even if it takes time, than not at all, right?  I'm not holding my breath though... for all I know he's just saying that to shut me up, and maybe doesn't have any intentions of paying me back. But let's hope that  he's honest... and that he will.

2. I'm apparentely getting my bonus from work earlier than expected! Because my branch is merging with another one, they have to give us our bonuses before we merge, because the other branch is not getting one... so I should get my bonus either this coming Thursday, or next one! SO friggin' excited, you have no idea! I still don't know how much i'm getting (especially after they take off the taxes and all), but still.. I know it will be a few hundred dollars for sure. So that means... instead of paying off Bell at the end of next month, it will be paid off early February instead. YAY!! And that also means... the money I had budgetted for Bell will be mine now! So probably going to put that in a savings to eventually be able to afford getting a dog  :)

3. I have been getting trained at the Reception at work for the last week, or so. It's nice to change duties, once in a while... right now, they want to train everyone there, and to do the ATMs (for those who still don't know, I work in a bank called Caisse Populaire Acadiennes) so that if someone is sick, they can replace them easily. But they started with me, because i'm already doing really well at my current job, and I have already done receptionist work in my past jobs, so it wouldn't be as hard for me to adapt. Also, one of the girls there, has been on sick leave on and off for quite some time... so they also needed someone to replace her, so they picked me. :)  It's going really well, too! And I like not having to count my cash at the end of the day, because at the reception, I obviously don't have one, so... it's nice! Kinda boring at times, but it's still a nice change. I hate routines, in general, so... changes are nice for me! (plus it will give me extra experience for when I apply in another department)

4. I've been trying to eat healthier, and exercise almost everyday... Jerr has put himself on a "diet" so i've been trying to follow that too, since I wanted to lose a few pounds as well... I already lost 2 pounds this week, I think! And that's just by eating smaller portions, and trying to walk everyday... so thats pretty good! The hardest thing I find, is to find motivation to go out and do something about it. But once i'm out... i'm fine. It's just to get outside. But I think it should get easier with time... i'm also planning on starting again the Zumba and Aerobics classes that I paid for a while back, but only went once. Me and my neighbour (who's also my friend, and an employee at the bank we merged with) are trying to motivate each other to go, because we used to go together. I think going together will be less hard on me, than if I just go by myself. It's just more fun when you know someone!

Other than that, not much else to say... everything else is going pretty good, lately. :)  We're going sleigh riding today with the neighbours, so I should probably go get ready for that!

take care everyone!

First of all, thanks to everyone who's been reading... I really appreciate it. It's nice to have a place to vent, but it's even nicer knowing there is people out there who supports you no matter what.

So I called Bell today... I didn't know, but it actually takes 30 days to cancel a phone! So what they did instead is suspend the phone so he can't use it, until the 30 days is up. They claimed it as lost/stolen, even though it's technically not... there were no other way to suspend it, so that's what they decided to do.

Luckily for me... his contract is actually up January 18th. So I won't have to pay that $100 on top of everything else, like I thought I would have... there's only going to be a partial monthly fee that i'm going to have to pay, but other than that, just what he owes (and the rest of what i owed when I cancelled my contract a few months ago).

So I guess it could be worst... the bill probably won't reach $500 like I thought it would, it's probably going to be lower than that, atleast. But it's still a lot of money... money I don't have. So it friggin' sucks... i'm NEVER EVER trusting ANYONE with my money/credit ever again... I can guarantee you that! I don't even care if me and Jerr are together for 10 years.. if we're not married, no friggin' way i'm using my credit for him! Unless it's to buy something together, and both our names are on it. But even at that... probably not. I'd rather pay for something myself, and knowing it's mine, than having to split whatever it is, if something happens.. you know what I mean?

I just can't believe people, sometimes! Like really... it's not even like me and my ex were only together for a few months, or a year, or something. We were together for 3 years... back then, I had no reasons not to trust him. But now I realize... he clearly was never the person I thought he was... i've been learning that more and more each day since we broke up. And I was really glad we did break up back then, but now... even more. And even more glad, that we never stayed friends. Who could be friends with someone like that??

The fact that he lied to me, and even my dad, the whole time... really makes me wonder about everything else. And even makes me question every relationships i've ever had, wether romantical, or just friendship. I just can't help it, being the person that I am, and not being the most trusting person in the world, you know?

Anyway, atleast this way... I might have to pay for the stupid phone, but he will be OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD. Right? I bet he must of had a hell of a look on his face this morning when he tried using his phone! Almost wish I could of been there to see it... revenge is pretty sweet, but can also be quite expensive.

Anyway... enough about that topic... no need to dwell on someone/something that isn't worth my time, anyway!

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas, and New Years! I know I did!! We spent Christmas Eve evening at my dad's for supper (he made the best turkey ever!!), and then we all went to my aunt's for the rest of the night.. it was really nice! I loved having Jerr next to me the whole time... it was just great that he wanted to be there, as much as I wanted him there. :)

After that, we left for PEI (most of Jerr's family lives there, and he wanted to be there for Christmas morning in time to see his little brother open his presents) and only got there around almost 2am. It was such a looooong drive!! It's usually pretty fast, but I was EXHAUSTED... I woke up early that day to work, and was up late the night before to pack and stuff, so I was DONE when we finally got there. Didn't get to sleep as much (and as well) as I wanted to, though... obviously had way too much to eat at both my dad's and aunt's, so I had an upset stomach all night... it was pretty bad. I think I had about 3 hours of sleep that night.. not good!

We woke up even earlier than we thought the next morning, because his niece (who's 4) woke up early to open her presents, so we went upstairs with them, to watch her... and after that, we left for his mom's (we were sleeping at his dad's... his parents are divorced, like mine) to see his little brother open his presents. It was nice, but I was still feeling really sick from the night before, plus I was running on 3 hours of sleep, so by 10, we were back at his dad's to have a nap. I don't do well being sleep deprived... I absolutely need my 8-9 hours of sleep (min. 7) or else I feel super sick, and get super cranky. So the nap was AWESOME... let me tell you! lol

We woke up after that, ate a little something (we hadn't had time to eat anything yet) and then took another nap... which was even more awesome! After the 2nd nap though... I was good to go! :)

For Christmas supper, we went to his aunt's (on his mother's side)... it was really nice, because apparentely it was the first time in 10 years that everyone was there (he has family almost everywhere in Canada, but mostly PEI, NB, Quebec & Ontario) so that was really nice! I have to say, his aunts are all awesome!! We had a great time, and the supper was super good... his uncle cooked turkey, ham, pork, salads,... we ate like pigs, for the second night in a row. lol.  But it was great. :)  Since we had both too much to drink that night, we decided to leave the car there, and call a cab to get to his dad's... at first we were going back home Christmas night, but he was having too much fun, and so was I, and we wanted to drink with his family, so we just decided to stay another night. I did sleep a LOT better that night though... got my whole 9 hours of sleep! lol

I'm not going to lie though, I was in a hurry to get back home... I missed my bed, and I just wanted to relax home, without being surrounded by people... so I was pretty happy when we finally got home the next day lol.

We had supper at his grandmother's that night (ribs, mmmmm!) and a second supper at his friend's (I didn't really eat, because I was still stuffed from his grandmother's) and then just got to relax for the rest of our days off. Going back to work that Wednesday was rough, but I was kinda glad to see everyone in a way.

New Years Eve was pretty good as well... wasn't able to make it to Halifax, like I hoped, but we ended up having a few people over, and everyone brought something to eat... it was really nice! Ended up convincing my cousin at the last min that she should really join us, and she did... I was really happy, I don't see her as much as i'd like anymore.. we're both busy, and have boyfriends now so... it's hard to see each other. But I was glad she could make it. :)  We all ended up staying up until like 2 in the morning, talking about everything and nothing, and playing Donkey Kong on the Super Nintendo... it was awesome! :)

Well, I think I said enough... i'll leave the rest for next time, so i have something to talk about!

P.S. one thing that Jerr got me for Christmas was a gift card to take professional pictures with George Long (he;s really good!) of me and him... i'm so excited to go!!  we haven't picked at date, or place yet, but I can't wait :)

take care

Kiwibox is not working well for me, lately... for some reason it won't let me pick the color of text I want to use, or the text font, or size... it's really weird. Oh well. Not that much of a big deal anyway.

So 2011 is already starting out shitty... I was excited to finish with 2010, and leave it behind me, but I guess it's just going to follow me in 2011. Great! *rolls eyes*

My stupid ex boyfriend is officially an asshole... I know, why do I still have him in my life? I guess that's what happens when you're too nice, and sign for him to have a cell phone (under your name) and then keep it activated when you break up, because he promises he will keep on paying it, and says he doesn't have enough credit to get it on his own... and then out of nowheres he stops paying it, and next thing you know, he hasn't paid in 3 months. Yup.. great, isn't it?

Stupid me, only realized he stopped paying last month (he was already 2 months behind, by that point) and of course, gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he said he would pay everything he owed when he got paid. Then, I never bothered to check to make sure he had, because I trusted that he would pay it, like he had told me... when all that time, he had never even paid it. So now, I receive the new bill today, and surprise! He hasn't paid in 3 months now.

Which actually puts the bill at almost $400 (half of that is my fault, because I cancelled my contract and went with someone else, but I had already made payment arrangements for that)! By the time i cancel his phone, the bill will be at almost $500. Do I look like I have $500 to throw out the window? Not really!

I was so incredebly (sp?) pissed when I first found out... Jerr wasn't around, so I had to call someone to calm myself down (because I called the fucker and said something I would of regretted later... don't want him to know his phone is getting cancelled, and use everything he can to make it even more expensive!) and decided to call my dad. My dad already knew about the situation, because I get the bills at his place (never bothered to change the address, for some reason) and he was there when I first opened it, and found out he was 2 months late, last month... so when I told my dad today that once again, he hadn't paid.. and that now he owes me 3 months, my dad REALLY wasn't impressed at all!! He decided to text him (my ex) and ask him what was up, because he had a feeling he would probably respond more to him, than me... and he was right, he did text back! He told my dad that he had been laid off a month ago, and that money was really tight, and that he would pay a part of it this Friday (but never said how much).

Well... I think I already gave him one chance, and look what he did with that... why would I believe him this time, and wait until he pays it? It's only going to make me have to pay even MORE than I already have to! $500 is more than what I can even afford... why would I wait even longer, and make the stupid bill even higher?

On the other hand, if he's actually telling the truth, and I disconnect the phone, he won't want to pay it now, would he?

So friggin' TIRED of getting screwed over... i'm telling you!

And then people wonder why I don't trust people...

If it's not him screwing me over, it's my own friggin' family (aka my "mother")

Can't life give me a friggin' break? Or is that too much to ask...

The last entry I wrote, was probably one of the best entries i've ever written on here in a LONG time... I just felt so... relieved after writing it! It's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I even noticed after, that i've been holding back a lot of stuff on here, and actually from a lot of my good friends, of fear of what they would think of me. But it made me realize, that I don't really care what people's opinions are... I am who I am, and yes i'm not perfect, and i've made plenty of bad decisions in my life. But atleast i'm aware of it, and i'm trying to change. Not to sound conceited (sp?) or anything, but I think it's a pretty awesome thing. Not everyone cares about what they did/are doing wrong... not everyone feels like changing, to become a better person, because not everyone cares of how they might be hurting other people. The difference with me, is that I care, and I want to change. For ME.

I actually asked Jerr to read my last entry (which I never did before, he has never read anything I wrote here, or in my personal journal). I just thought it would maybe make him understand me, and where i'm coming from, better. He really appreciated me letting him read it... and he agreed with everything i've wrote. He told me he was proud of me for making those choices, and that i'm not a bad person now, he says i'm a great person. But I know I can be better. Ever since he read that entry though, things have been a LOT better between us. I have to say that the month of November, was a really hard one for us. We fought a lot... about alot of stupid stuff. Mostly one subject. But ever since he read it, I don't know... it's like he's trying to be more understanding. And it's making me want to work harder on our relationship, and try not to freak out at everything for nothing. So i'm glad I let him read it... I think it really helped.

I also think writting that entry helped  in every other way as well! I'm finding myself a lot happier since. I've been trying to reach out to people I love that I don't spend enough time with, or that are not living in the same province as I am, just to try to have a nice friendship back with them, like we used to. I've been trying to cut out negative people out of my life, and only be around those who make me happy, not stressed out. It's been hard, but i'm done trying to fix something that can't be fixed, because the other person is too "lazy" to work on it... or just don't seem to care, even though they keep on saying they do, they keep on saying they miss me and want to hang out, but when it's time to make plans, they don't seem to care enough to actually go through with them. So i'm done with that...

I've also been a lot less cranky, especially at the wheel... it's obviously not perfect, but it's been a LOT better. I don't know if it's the Christmas music I have in the car, or what, but something is definately helping...

Jerr recentely got a car (finally), and I haven't had to drive him to work in about a week... so I think not having him in the car with me, stressing me out because he thinks i'm going too fast, or driving like this or that, helps too... also the fact that I don't have to drive super fast in order to not be late for work, helps as well. I don't feel stressed out just driving to work because i'm scared i'll be late again, now... and I can take my time in the mornings, to relax before having to leave too. When I was driving him, I had to hurry up to get ready, make breakfast, and then having to try to wake him up like 3 times, and getting him to hurry up because we're leaving late again... anyway. Let's just say that it's been better since i don't have to drive him... not that I minded, but towards the end, kinda. I didn't want to tell him though, how much it bothered me, because I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I can't lie to you guys... i'm happy I don't have to worry about that, anymore! lol

Other than that, not much has changed, I don't think... trying to be more considerate in general of other people's feelings and opinions. It's hard, but I think i'm doing okay... obviously everything is not going to change overnight, but I still think it's a good start! :)   I think the hardest is the complaining part... I try to bite my tongue when i go to complain about something, but it hasn't really worked so far. I just love complaining too much, I guess... and my job well, doesn't help. But i'm trying my best to atleast not complain too much when i'm at work, and just complain in the car by myself or something. lol.  

Oh well... we're not perfect, right? :P

Talking about perfect... we went to get our Christmas tree yesterday with the neighbours, and some of their and Jerr's friends. And it's perfect!! It was pourring yeesterday when we got it though... found out about half way there that my jacket wasn't waterproof. lol.  But we still had a lot of fun... the guy that owns the U-Pick (yeah, we actually got to cut our own tree and everything!) was nice enough to let me and Rose (neighbour) sit in his camper while the boys brought one tree at a time home... thank god, because I would of been a lot more soaked than I already was! but it was a pretty good time overall... we had a beef/chicken/scallops/shrimps/cheese fondue after that, and it was amazing!! And we watched "Happy Feet" while we ate... I looove that movie! The not so fun part was going back home, and bringing the tree inside the house... trying to put the damn thing up for I don't know how many hours, and then just eventually gave up, because we were soaked and full of tree branches and stuff... the tree is seriously HUGE though, i've NEVER had a tree so big before! I'm really excited to show it off to my dad and everyone else, who has crappy fake trees... :P   hehehe.

We actually went to Walmart today (I wanted to start my Christmas shopping, but didn't find anything "good enough") and Jerr bought a new stand for the tree, because we think that might be why it won't stand up (the other one was kinda cheap, and probably not strong enough). So I think we're going to try to put the tree up again tonight... atleast the tree won't be soaked this time, so it should be easier! I can't WAIT to decorate it, though! Omg! Kinda scared I don't have enough ornaments now, though... it's so big!! I'll definately post pictures once it's all finished, though. :)  You guys should post pictures of yours as well, in your entries! I love seeing other people's Christmas trees... I think it's so unique how someone can decide to decorate it!

Anyway, i'm going to stop writting here... Jerr should be back from the store any min, and we should start supper shortly after... pretty hungry!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

take care xoxoxo

I can't believe that it's almost the end of November already! Wow... time seriously flies! Whoever told me, when I was younger, that the older you get, the faster time flies, were right... because seriously... I haven't seen this month, or last month for that matter, go by! But to be honest, I can't wait for this month to be over with.. it's been... a pretty bad month for me. It had its good moments... but for the most part... not really.

I think I came to term with the fact that for some odd reason, I like to cause myself pain? Not physically, obviously... but emotionaly. It's like I'm looking for everything in my life that's not perfect, and concentrate on that, instead of being happy with what I have. And then almost obsessing over it. Does anyone knows what i'm talking about? It's kinda hard to explain... but it's almost like I love being sad, or depressed, or something. Like i'm searching for situations that would make me feel bad. For example... I noticed that I "like" (i'm saying in with " because I don't think I do it intentionally, but I do it anyway) causing fights with Jerr, or anyone else, for that matter. But mostly Jerr, because he's the closest person around me, so it's like he gets all the crap. Which I know... is not fair, and not nice of me at all.. but it's like I have all these emotions, don't know what to do with them, so I search for a situation that will make me get rid of them, for example, like crying. Crying is something I noticed that works REALLY well to ease the stress, or whatever emotion I don't know how to deal with... and since it's kinda hard to make yourself cry for no reason, it's like I try to find a situation that will make me cry? I don't know... still trying to figure this out. And I know it sounds bad right now, because it sounds like Jerr is making me cry, or that i'm making Jerr make me cry (does it even make any sense to anyone? lol), but it's not like that... well sort of it, because i'm making him be angry at me for saying stupid crap I don't mean, and then I get upset about it. So I guess it's kind of like that. But anyway... that's one thing I noticed that I REALLY don't like about myself, that I would like to change.

Another thing, is my lack of being open about things. And I mean almost everything... but mostly other people's opinions. I noticed that if someone says something, and I don't agree with their opinion, unless i'm in a REALLY good mood, I most likely won't see "their side of the story", and most likely, argue with them. Problem #1 that I mentioned beforehand might be some of the cause, I don't know. But again, it's another thing I don't like about me that I would like to change.

Another thing, is my patience, or should I say, lack of it. I FREAK out almost everytime I drive... I get pretty bad road rage. If the person before me is not going 10 over the limit, I freak, and want to pass them right away. I usually make myself an excuse and tell myself that i'm an a hurry, but the truth is, I would be even more late for whatever if I would get caught by a cop, or get into an accident. And I KNOW this really annoys Jerr about me... because I sometimes tailgate people when they're going too slow to let them know to hurry up. I only tailgate if they're going under the speed limit though. But still... I know it's not right, and I could hurt myself, or someone else really bad if they would need to smash on the breaks, and I would be on their ass. I wouldn't have enough time to react. This one is going to be really tricky to "fix" though... when I feel myself being pissed off, I try to sing with the music I have in the car, it usually distracts me enough to calm myself down, and let it go. But it doesn't always work, and sometimes i'm too "worked up" to even think about doing that. The worst part of that is... if i'm driving to work, for example, and I get someone slow in front of me, I usually arrive to work really pissed off, and in a horrible mood. Same thing for the drive back, to home, let's say. Atleast the drive there, isn't so bad... I usually end up distracting myself at work, and stop thinking about it. But the drive back, not so  much. Jerr usually tries to calm me down, and "hug it out", and I honestly think he takes it personally when that doesn't work, but it's just too much for me I guess... I just can't control it. And I KNOW there must be a way to control that, there has to be! Because I used to LOVE driving and I wasn't like that when I first started driving. So there has to be a way for me to calm down with the anger issues at the wheel, or something... i'm sure i'm not the only one feeling this way, other people might be embarassed to admit it, but i'm not anymore.. first step to "recovery" is to admit you have a problem, right? Mine might not be a drug, or alcoholic one, but it's still a problem.

And that doesn't even cover my "patience" problem... I honestly don't even have patience for anything anymore! Not even for my friends, or family, or Jerr... what am I going to do when I have kids?!  I've never really had much patience to begin with though.. i've always hated having to repeat myself (especially if it's to the same person everytime I say something), but it's actually worst now... someone can't help if they don't hear well, or if I don't talk well enough (as in pronounciation)... but still... it really really really gets on my nerves. And no matter how many times I try to turn my toungue, and not say a thing.. I just can't. So yeah.. my patience is a big one I would like to fix, in general. I'm sure it'll be really hard to do, though... considering, like I said earlier, i've never had much patience... but I know I can have a little bit more than this, atleast!

Another thing I would like to change, would be (I don't even know how to say this but...) my laziness. I would like to be like I once was, and be more active. Jerr is someone who loves the outdoors, and loves doing things outside, and I would like to be able to enjoy that with him. The few times that I actually pushed myself to go with him on one of his "adventures" in the woods behind our house, or whatever, actually ended up being fun! But it's to get me motivated (another one of my problem, but probably related to the "laziness problem") enough to go outside and do something with myself. Because let's face it... no wonder i'm not in a very happy mood lately.. I barely go outside! And when I do, it's to get to my car from the house, work, the mall, someone else's house, etc.  I'm sure that doesn't help... and who knows... maybe it would help a little with my other problems! Who knows...

Believe it or not, but there are actually lots of other things I would like to change about myself... those are just the bigger issues that popped into my head first. I'm probably going to print (or email it to myself somehow) this entry, and keep it... when I do get the guts to call a psychologist (i've been wanting to call one for WEEKS, but always find an excuse.. another one of my problems) i'd like to bring this entry with me, and talk about this. Hopefully he would be able to find the root of those problems, because as hard as i've been trying to find them myself, I obviously need the help of a professional. Not just the advice of a good friend, or a great boyfriend. Know what I mean?

I think i've just figured out my New Year resolutions for 2011!