mashuki , 24

So last night was probably the worst night in my life in a VERY long time... if you have me on facebook, you already know why.

We broke up.

Things were going great between us, or atleast I thought they were, until some point last week, or the week before, I started noticing that his attitude was different, and kind of weird... you know me, if I feel like there's something wrong, I will bring it up. I can't live in an atmosphere like that... so I did. At first, he would tell me that there's was nothing wrong, he was just stressed out with different things going on in his life. But finally one night, we had a big talk. He basically said that he started to think about our relationship because of other things that had been making him question himself lately, so he started to question our relationship, and why we were together. He said he thought I was at a point in the relationship (talking about marriage, but obviously, I didn't meant it for now) and he wasn't there yet. It would take him a while to get there, if ever. So anyway... we talked half of the night that night. I explained how I felt, explained why I said certain things, and then when we both got everything off of our chest, it started being better.

Or so, I thought.

Last weekend was alright... I almost felt like we were back to normal again, but not really. Then this week... was just weird again. I decided not to mention anything, and tried to figure out exactly how I was feeling about the situation, but it's hard figuring it out when you live with the person. And I was very scared of being hurt, obviously... but then last night, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to bring it up again.. unfortunately for me, seems like in all of my relationships, i'm always the one bringing up stuff when things are not going so great. And it always makes me feel like I wish I would of just shut my mouth, but in a way... I needed to know. If things were to end, I needed to know now, so I could start moving on.

At the beggining of the conversation, I asked him if he had made a decision about us. At first he said he still wasn't sure... he always brings up how beautiful, awesome, smart, and such the perfect girlfriend, which in a way doesn't make things better. He finally said that the 2 years we had were the best he's ever had... that he had never loved anyone like he loved me, but unfortunately he didn't think we should continue being together. He said he thought his feelings had changed, and he didn't thought it was fair for me... he wanted it to finish well, he didn't want it to finish like his last relationship. He wanted to be able to look back at our time together, and be able to cherish it.

It all makes sense... I understand where he's coming from, and I truly appreciate him for being so honest. Most guys would of stayed with me anyway, and probably cheat, or just be miserable. Atleast he had the guts to tell me the truth... which I know will help me move on, because I've had closure. Not saying it will be easy... FAR from it. I will probably cry my eyes out every night before going to bed for the next month, but atleast I know, and I know now. Better than to find out months, or years from now. It would be even harder.

It just sucks though... so damn much!! I really wish it were all a bad dream... i'm trying to keep myself positive, and try to think of it as a great experience that I will never forget, but the truth is, I am SO scared I will never find anyone so amazing as he is... I always thought he was perfect for me. He understood me, and was always there for me. He never had a problem with the load of attention I gave him, which is what most guys don't like about me. Because he was the same way. I don't know if I can find someone like that again... i'm terrified, and to be brutaly honest, i'm terrified of staying alone forever, because I won't be able to find anyone that compares.

When the time comes and i'm ready, I won't be looking for someone to replace him, because that won't happen. He's not replaceable... but I would like to find someone with his qualities, you know?

This is just such a horrible situation...

On top of that, obviously I need to find somewhere else to stay. If you can remember why I moved here 2 years ago, you can remember that I don't really have anywheres to go. That's one thing that stresses me out extremely... not that he's kicking me out, he wants me to stay as long as I need to, again another thing why I love him so much, but I don't want to... I don't want to see him everyday. I won't be able to move on, I know it. It will just make things even more complicated, and hard, for me. Maybe for him it'll be fine, but for me it won't. It's nice not to have the pressure to leave, but there's still somewhat a pressure to leave from myself.

I was hoping I could afford a place by myself, not anything fancy... something like a bachelor appartement. For those who don't know what that is, basically you have one room which is your living room/bedroom and then a kitchen (probably not big enough to put a kitchen table though), and a bathroom. I would rather live on my own, but reality is... I can't afford it. I would have to buy a few things as well... I already own most of what I need, but there's still a few things I would need to buy, if I moved in by myself. I spoke with a girl I used to work with at Homburg (renting appartments) and she told me I should speak to Will (my old boss) to see if he would not be able to cut me a deal somehow... I don't expect him to, but it doesn't hurt to try. I would still need to buy the things I need, and pay a security deposit. But we'll see...

My other option is to find a roomate, or a room to rent. I don't really like the idea of renting a room in a stranger's home, or living with strangers, but if I have to, I will. My friend Danielle also has a 2 bedroom apt. and apparentely has been looking for a roomate... it would be a lot cheaper than getting my own place, because I wouldn't need to buy anything for the appartment, since she already has everything. But i'm not a fan of the area she lives in (it's horrible for traffic) and i'm scared we won't get along. We got along well when we lived together when we were both living at Janie's... and she's single as well, and have been for a little while, so she can relate to how i;m feeling. And maybe living with someone won't make me feel so alone... but I don't know. I'm willing to try it... we'll see what happens. I'm probably going to go visit her appartment, and we'll talk more about details... then I'll be able to make a better decision.

I hope that I will be okay... I know I eventually will be, and people keep on telling me that life goes on, and there's plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just really tough right now... I wish I could sleep well, and not be able to think about it for atleast a few hours. Atleast it'll give me a break of all this thinking...