mashuki , 24

I can't believe it's already been 4 months since me and Jerr broke up... time sure flies! And it's almost been as long since the last time I wrote in here! Can you believe it?

So many things has happened since... the most recent one though, is that I think i might of met someone! We met on POF (dating website) a few weeks ago... he started talking to me first. The first night we started chatting, he ended up calling me, and we talked on the phone for 3.5 hours... it was insane! I hate talking on the phone! I only went to bed at past midnight that night, and had to work the next day... probably had like 4 or 5 hours of sleep in total that night! But it was sooo worth it!! We ended up meeting in person the next day (I know, pretty fast!) and got along really well... again only went to bed really late that night (and the rest of that week lol) but yeah... so far he seems like a really great guy, and all of my friends who have met him so far think he is great as well, so it's a good start! He seems to have a lot of qualities I have been searching for, which is really good... so far, so good! We aren't "together" yet, but I have a pretty good feeling it's where it's eventually going to lead. :)  We're in no rush though, we both want to take our time, and get to know each other well before getting into anything, so that's good! We both deleted our profiles on POF, and both aren't seeing anyone else, though. He wants to really concentrate on getting to know me, and who I am, like I do for him, so that's also a good thing. He actually deleted his profile the night after we met in person, because he didn't see the point to stay on it if he found what he was looking for (aww),  but I took a few more days before making the decision to delete mine. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just going to end up being a fling, or anything like that, and that he was actually the guy he says he was, but so far he seems to be... so i'm really happy! :)   He's like 8 years older than me (I'm 24, he's 32) but I really don't feel the age difference when we're together, and he doesn't either. I don't think age matters that much, anyway... i've met quite a lot of guys that were 32 that acted like they were 15 so... he also has a really good job (he's been there for 11 years) and makes pretty good money. He has his priorities in order, and seems to know what he wants/looking for, which is what I wanted. And he really seems to care about me, and knows how to make me feel special. I think we have a lot of things in common. So yeah... we shall see! :)

Work is still going pretty good! I'm not sure if I mentionned it in my last entry, but I had to switched lawyers a month or 2 ago. It seems to be going well! She seems to be really happy with me, so i'm glad... :)  Her practice is a little different than the last one's, but I think I like it better... she doesn't do any corporate law, which is something I didn't like or understood, so i'm glad! She does some real estate though... which i'm not too fond of. But i'm finally starting to get it so i'm starting to like it a little more. There was a lot of pressure at work for a while on me, and I have to admit I had trouble dealing with it at times, but it's getting a whole lot better. It was worse when I first switched lawyers because I didn't really know what she was expecting of me, and we got VERY busy (still are, but atleast now I know what she expects of me) so it took a toll on me for a while, but it's a lot better now. I still love what I do though, and love the people I work with. I plan on staying there for a long time! :)

Other than that, not much has been going on... just wanted to do a quick little update so that you guys know i'm okay. :)

I'll write some more later!

I don't think I have written in here since me and Jerr broke up... so many things have changed since!

I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks since the night i'll never forget... not that i'm not over that, but I still will never forget anything. He was truly an amazing person, and boyfriend... I truly believe that he made me a better person, and for that I will never be able to thank him enough. I believe that's why we met... I needed him in my life to become the person I am at this moment. It all makes sense now... yes, it's still hard at times, knowing that it didn't work out, but life goes on! I realize now that he might not had been the person for me. It's too bad, but that's just how it is. We made each other very happy though, while we were together, and we both learned from each other, and I think that's what's important. Of course I will NEVER forget him... and I don't want to. He is a reminder that there are still great people on this earth, and not to give up. I know what I want now, and what I deserve, thanks to him.

I know most people will judge me for this, but that's okay, it's normal to judge when you have never been in the situation. But anyway... I started dating again. Not really actively... i've put myself on pof (plenty of fish) again, but more to meet new people, and get to know people. But one of them in particular turned out as a date, which I wasn't really expecting when we first started talking. We actually been on a few dates... and since he doesn't live in my area, he drove here for the first date, and I went to see him where he lives for a weekend. I realize now that it wasn't the smartest idea i've ever had, driving all the way there to see him, but it felt so right when I was with him when he came, and I enjoyed so much spending time with him... but it was obviously way too soon. Even though I had told him a few times before that I wasn't ready for any commitment whatsoever, I guess my actions contradicted my words, because I obviously got him confused... he thought we were both feeling the same way, but I wasn't feeling as strongly about him as he was for me. I know for a fact that I can't feel the same way about him than he does for me, because i'm not ready. But it might also be because he's not the right person for me, or maybe he is. I have no idea. But unfortunately I had to tell him that we would have to slow things down... I told him not to bother coming to see me this week (he was planning to come tomorrow) because I need some time. And I can't say how much time that will be, because I have no idea how much time I need, all I know is that i'm not ready for anything. If it would of been just a simple date, I really think I would of be fine with that. But it turned out to be much more than just a date, and for that I wasn't ready. I'm proud of myself in a way though... I was honest with him, and was able to express how I felt, and make him understand. I don't know if I would of been able to do that before...

We are still talking, though. I told him I still wanted to get to know him, but that he shouldn't expect anything from me, and that he should be open to meet other people, because I am not going to stop myself from meeting someone else, if it happens. I don't want to feel like I owe anything to anyone right now, know what I mean?

It's hard though... because I know he's still hoping that something will happen, and that I will turn around, and tell him I want to be with him, but sadly i'm not even sure if that's ever going to happen (and yes, I told him that in almost the exact words). I don't know...

Dating is so complicated, geez! All I really wanted was to meet new people, get to know them, and get it from there, eventually... and maybe someone to cuddle with, and make out once in a while! But you know lol

Slowly starting to feel somewhat better... going away at my dad's for the weekend was really the best thing to do though. Not looking forward to when I have to go back home though... because right now I feel okay, but i'm scared it's all going to go out the window when I go back there and see him. *sigh*  I hate this...

I'm officially moving in with my friend Danielle on Saturday. Going to try to pack as many boxes as I can during the week, and bring them with me when I go to work, and drop them off... my goal is that i'll be able to move enough things that by Saturday only thing left in the house will be what's in "our" room. Don't know if it'll happen... but i'm going to try my best.

I try not to think too much about the future right now... quite frankly it gets me so depressed right now... just when I thought I had it all figured out...

I'll be okay though... with some time...

So last night was probably the worst night in my life in a VERY long time... if you have me on facebook, you already know why.

We broke up.

Things were going great between us, or atleast I thought they were, until some point last week, or the week before, I started noticing that his attitude was different, and kind of weird... you know me, if I feel like there's something wrong, I will bring it up. I can't live in an atmosphere like that... so I did. At first, he would tell me that there's was nothing wrong, he was just stressed out with different things going on in his life. But finally one night, we had a big talk. He basically said that he started to think about our relationship because of other things that had been making him question himself lately, so he started to question our relationship, and why we were together. He said he thought I was at a point in the relationship (talking about marriage, but obviously, I didn't meant it for now) and he wasn't there yet. It would take him a while to get there, if ever. So anyway... we talked half of the night that night. I explained how I felt, explained why I said certain things, and then when we both got everything off of our chest, it started being better.

Or so, I thought.

Last weekend was alright... I almost felt like we were back to normal again, but not really. Then this week... was just weird again. I decided not to mention anything, and tried to figure out exactly how I was feeling about the situation, but it's hard figuring it out when you live with the person. And I was very scared of being hurt, obviously... but then last night, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to bring it up again.. unfortunately for me, seems like in all of my relationships, i'm always the one bringing up stuff when things are not going so great. And it always makes me feel like I wish I would of just shut my mouth, but in a way... I needed to know. If things were to end, I needed to know now, so I could start moving on.

At the beggining of the conversation, I asked him if he had made a decision about us. At first he said he still wasn't sure... he always brings up how beautiful, awesome, smart, and such the perfect girlfriend, which in a way doesn't make things better. He finally said that the 2 years we had were the best he's ever had... that he had never loved anyone like he loved me, but unfortunately he didn't think we should continue being together. He said he thought his feelings had changed, and he didn't thought it was fair for me... he wanted it to finish well, he didn't want it to finish like his last relationship. He wanted to be able to look back at our time together, and be able to cherish it.

It all makes sense... I understand where he's coming from, and I truly appreciate him for being so honest. Most guys would of stayed with me anyway, and probably cheat, or just be miserable. Atleast he had the guts to tell me the truth... which I know will help me move on, because I've had closure. Not saying it will be easy... FAR from it. I will probably cry my eyes out every night before going to bed for the next month, but atleast I know, and I know now. Better than to find out months, or years from now. It would be even harder.

It just sucks though... so damn much!! I really wish it were all a bad dream... i'm trying to keep myself positive, and try to think of it as a great experience that I will never forget, but the truth is, I am SO scared I will never find anyone so amazing as he is... I always thought he was perfect for me. He understood me, and was always there for me. He never had a problem with the load of attention I gave him, which is what most guys don't like about me. Because he was the same way. I don't know if I can find someone like that again... i'm terrified, and to be brutaly honest, i'm terrified of staying alone forever, because I won't be able to find anyone that compares.

When the time comes and i'm ready, I won't be looking for someone to replace him, because that won't happen. He's not replaceable... but I would like to find someone with his qualities, you know?

This is just such a horrible situation...

On top of that, obviously I need to find somewhere else to stay. If you can remember why I moved here 2 years ago, you can remember that I don't really have anywheres to go. That's one thing that stresses me out extremely... not that he's kicking me out, he wants me to stay as long as I need to, again another thing why I love him so much, but I don't want to... I don't want to see him everyday. I won't be able to move on, I know it. It will just make things even more complicated, and hard, for me. Maybe for him it'll be fine, but for me it won't. It's nice not to have the pressure to leave, but there's still somewhat a pressure to leave from myself.

I was hoping I could afford a place by myself, not anything fancy... something like a bachelor appartement. For those who don't know what that is, basically you have one room which is your living room/bedroom and then a kitchen (probably not big enough to put a kitchen table though), and a bathroom. I would rather live on my own, but reality is... I can't afford it. I would have to buy a few things as well... I already own most of what I need, but there's still a few things I would need to buy, if I moved in by myself. I spoke with a girl I used to work with at Homburg (renting appartments) and she told me I should speak to Will (my old boss) to see if he would not be able to cut me a deal somehow... I don't expect him to, but it doesn't hurt to try. I would still need to buy the things I need, and pay a security deposit. But we'll see...

My other option is to find a roomate, or a room to rent. I don't really like the idea of renting a room in a stranger's home, or living with strangers, but if I have to, I will. My friend Danielle also has a 2 bedroom apt. and apparentely has been looking for a roomate... it would be a lot cheaper than getting my own place, because I wouldn't need to buy anything for the appartment, since she already has everything. But i'm not a fan of the area she lives in (it's horrible for traffic) and i'm scared we won't get along. We got along well when we lived together when we were both living at Janie's... and she's single as well, and have been for a little while, so she can relate to how i;m feeling. And maybe living with someone won't make me feel so alone... but I don't know. I'm willing to try it... we'll see what happens. I'm probably going to go visit her appartment, and we'll talk more about details... then I'll be able to make a better decision.

I hope that I will be okay... I know I eventually will be, and people keep on telling me that life goes on, and there's plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just really tough right now... I wish I could sleep well, and not be able to think about it for atleast a few hours. Atleast it'll give me a break of all this thinking...

I came on here so many times since the last time I wrote, and almost every single time I start writing an entry, but I always end up deleting it, because I don't really see the point anymore... I always thought that I was writing for myself, but also to see others point of view, but now i'm realizing that other's point of view don't really matter. You need to do things for yourself sometimes, in life. And that's why I think i'm going to try to write in here more often... plus it's kind of nice to be able to read old entries... sometimes it makes me wonder what I was thinking, but it's all part of the experience! :)

I still love my new job. I know for a fact now that i've definately made the right decision by leaving the Caisse Populaire. Looking back now, I can tell how really unhappy I was. I can't believe I stayed somewheres that long that made me so unhappy. It's so not like me! But hey... sometimes you have to do, what you gotta do, to survive. These bills aren't going to pay themselves so...

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the really bad things. But in this case... thinking about it, I really don't think I would of been able to handle and enjoy the job i'm doing now. It would of been too much pressure, and I know myself well enough to know that I would of not been able to handle it. So I guess there was a reason why I stayed at the Caisse, I learned so much about myself! And I was able to find the help I needed to have more confidence in myself, and in my future, to take such a leap of faith. Because it really was... it could of turned out badly, but it didn't. Because I was ready. So yeah... I'm thankful. VERY thankful! :)  I'm so happy that I finally found a job that makes me happy... even though it's only been 3 months, I really hope it stays like this. I really do!

Christmas this year was wonderful! Super relaxing, for once... usually we spend Christmas Eve at my aunt's, and celebrate my dad's birthday at the same time, and then we have to leave later in the night for PEI (to spend Christmas morning with Jerr's family), but this year we decided to stay home for Christmas, plus Christmas Eve was a Saturday, so that was super nice. I think, even though he was a little disappointed not to be with his family on Christmas, that Jerr was really happy to wake up in our bed Christmas morning, and just take things as slow as we wanted, and celebrated just the 2 of us, and of course, with Harley (our dog)... it was a nice change, anyway! I really enjoyed being able to spend more time with my family on Christmas Eve (not being in a rush to leave to travel to PEI) and all... I think my dad was really happy about that too. :)  Plus we spent Christmas supper at Jerr's grandmother with some of his uncles and aunts, so that was really nice! We played cards all night, and watched movies... I had alot of fun. :)  The next day we met them again for supper at Pizza Delight, and a movie (The Adventures of Tintin in 3D... it was cute!). That's something we would of not been able to do if we would of travelled to PEI, so it was nice to do something different this year. A little change once in a while is nice.

I luckily had all of that week off of work (our office wasn't open but we still got paid!) so I definately enjoyed that... Jerr was off for most of it either too, so it was nice to spend time together! We see each other everyday, but it's rare that we take the time to do something together, so I really enjoyed that. Plus we spent some time at my dad's, which was really nice. Thaught my dad and Diane (his gf) how to play a game of cards that we always play at Jerr's grandmother's, and they really enjoyed it. It was fun! We also went out to a Vietnamese restaurant (the only one in town that I had never tried... i LOVE Vietnamese food!!) with them, and with my sister and her boyfriend, which was really nice too. :)

New Years Eve was probably one of the best part though... one of my best friend, who's actually also on here, came down for the weekend, so it was really nice to see her... we had a little party at my place the night of New Years Eve, and alot more people than I thought showed up! It was a pretty good crowd for sure... everyone had a great time! It was really a blast... and I actually ended up staying awake with everyone until 4am!! Which hasn't happened in probably 3 years! I was never one to stay up too late, but as I grew older, it just became worst... usually around midnight-ish i'm done and I just want to go to bed. lol.  But I had such a good time, I never even realized how late it was! It hurt the next morning though... we had to wake up at 9:30 to be able to leave for 10 for PEI to spend New Year with Jerr's family, so you can imagine how tired we were... once again, surprised myself, even running on like 4-5 hours of sleep, I still ended up only going to bed around 1am that night, because we were having so much fun talking at his dad's with his sister, and everyone... but I can guarantee you, I slept like a rock that night!! Best sleep ever, but not long enough, unfortunately... I will have to catch up on my sleep this weekend to make up for it, but it was sooo worth it!! :)

Other than that, not much is new... my dad bought me a car starter for Christmas, and got it installed for me. I LOVE it!!! I've wanted one ever since I got the car, but could never afford it. It's funny, because when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I never mentionned it. He just came up with it himself, I thought it was nice. :)  Now I don't think I ever want to get rid of my car!!  I was thinking of maybe getting something else when it's time to refinance my loan in about 2 years, but I don't think I want to now... plus my payments should go down by alot, so... i'll probably end up keeping it. Not that I don't like my car, I love it.. but if we plan on having another dog, we need a bigger car. Jerr drives a little Honda Civic, and I drive a Mazda 3. So we would atleast need something that's hatchback... Jerr wants a small truck, but if I were to change cars, I would probably get an SUV. But it would have to be something that's pretty good on gas, since we have to travel 30 mins each way to get to work everyday. But I don't think i'm going to trade it now... we'll see when the time comes. :)

Harley is getting SO big!! I don't think i've mentionned how big he's gotten... for the fun of it, we decided to weight him during Christmas break, and he's now weighting 103lbs! My dad likes to say that "it's not a dog, it's a horse!" lol  But he's so big now.. and i'm sure he's not done growing either! He only turned 1 year old last month! I look at older pictures of him now, and I can't believe how small he used to be... now he's just so huge! He's gotten alot better in general, though... he's even loose in the house at night now, and doesn't destroy anything! He just goes upstairs (our room is downstairs) and sleep on "his" couch. We were even able to put a real Christmas tree up! At first we were a little scared, since it was his first Christmas with us, and we didn't really know how he was going to react to it, because he LOVES bitting on wood/branches/whatever he can find that belongs outside, so we were sure that he would destroy it. We even decided to test him at first (especially since he's loose at night) and just put the lights in for the first few days. And then we started decorating bit by bit, and he never even tried to eat the tree, or get an ornament.. whatsoever! I was so impressed with him!! Even the Christmas decorations around the house, he never touched them. Except that poor tiny little teddy bear snowman I had hung on the closet door that he found and ripped apart... but that wasn't a big deal. I'm just so impressed with how well behaved he has become... he still has things to work on, but for the most part, he's a GREAT dog. And people tell us all the time how great he is... he even spent a night at Jerr's friend, who has a purebred German Shepart and black Lab, while we were in PEI on New Years, and he even said that Harley was an awesome dog, and that if ever we wanted to get rid of him, he would take him in a heartbeat. lol.  And I even compare him to other dogs sometimes when we're somewheres with him, or other people are over at our house with their dogs, and I can't believe how good he is! Even the first time we got him "dogsitted" for the day, so he would have friends to play with instead of being in a kennel all day long, the lady that owns it couldn't believe how good he was, and how she never seen a dog that doesn't bark. She couldn't believe it! That was one thing I wanted to make sure he was thaught; no barking... there's nothing I hate more than a dog that constantly barks for nothing. It's so annoying! But Harley is definately not like that at all. I'm so proud of my puppy! :)

I think i'm going to leave it at that for now... this entry is long enough for today lol

Goodnight :)