pinkchick , 23

School just started again this past Monday. I really need to stay on top of my studying and school work this semester. Overall, I don't think this semester is going to be too impossible. But I can't get into that mind set because I'm afraid that if I do, I will begin to slack off. And that can just NOT happen.

Over the summer, I was taking a class, Research 2. Actually, it is the only summer class that I have ever taken before. I took it in order to lighten my load that I have to take this year. For that class, there was a paper that I had to write. However, it was a group paper and nobody in my group helped me out with editing. Bitches. Ryan saw that I was really stressed out about the paper, so he offered to help me edit the paper.

Him doing that meant a lot to me. Before that, I wasn't sure if we would continue seeing each other much during the school year. I mean, this is my last year and I would like to get stellar grades, but more importantly, I want to pass. haha. I think him and I will be able to be official or whatever through this semester. I haven't told him yet though.

(Rewind: Over the summer, he said that I could call him my boyfriend. I remained silent, not knowing what to say. And Ryan said, "You're not saying anything. That's not good."
Titles really freak me out. I don't know what it is about titles but it makes me run for the hedges. It actually is probably just a really selfish gesture. It's hard for me to update other person about everything that is going on in my life and include them in the decision making of my life--in turn, our lives. I like to be able to do what I want, when I want.
But honestly, that might not even be what I'm afraid about with relationships. I really can't put my finger on it. There's something so serious that I know that I need to fight for, and I don't have the option to just give up.
Anyway, so I told Ryan that I just want to continue being whatever we are, and not put a title to it yet.)

I never though that Ryan and I would ever get serious. But I really do like him. And I love spending time with him. He's a lot of fun and he lets me be my freaking weird self without judging me too much. lol. He's gonna meet my family and run for the hills. haha.

The only thing that I'm kinda weary about is that he has already been married, and of course, divorced. That scares me. I don't really know all the circumstances with his ex-wife and their divorce, he doesn't really talk about it... but, I'm just afraid that if he can leave her after being married to her, who says he wouldn't do the same to me... especially when we aren't married, or even officially a couple. I wish he would talk about their past more. I feel like I would better understand where he's coming from and what he's been through. And I know that it's frankly none of my business; he doesn't really talk about anyone else. I just wish that he would open up to me...

For spring break, I went to Pensacola, FL with my 2 roommates, Maria & Leandra. Maria's boyfriend goes to school down there so we had a free place to stay. Sweet! =)
Spring break was fantastic. We went to the beach every single day. I got burnt... then tan. Now I'm peeling. Story of my life. haha.
Since I've been back from spring break, I am super depressed. I knew this would happen. It's seriously driving me crazy. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like going out, texting/calling peope back, going to school, doing my schoolwork... I don't even feel like getting help for this.
If you knew me, you would know that this is VERY unlike me. I am never this depressed... EVER! That almost makes it worse because I don't feel like I can explain to anyone just how depressed I am... It doesn't help that this upcoming week of school is absolute hell and I am not prepared for it one bit.
Adding to my depression... I am really depressed about boys. It's so stupid to even be depressed about that in the first place. I miss having someone there for me all the time to just talk to and not be judged. I miss always having someone on my side. I miss snuggling...
But at the same time, there is no way that i can jump right into a relationship. Truthfully, I don't think there is anyone out there that I won't push out of my life. Whenever I get close to dating someone, I always push them out. In the end, I guess I just don't want to be hurt. But I know that if I don't stop acting like this, I am only hurting myself.
Similarly, I have really high standards for guys. It may be good that I do, but I always find things wrong with people. I wish I could just date Edward Cullen. ;)
Anyway, hopefully this will all blow over soon... I can't stand this much longer.

I feel like journaling, but I don't feel like thinking about my feelings. haha. That makes no sense. Whatev... I'm tired. =p

1.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Whoever Brianna's salad dressing is named after. haha. Me and my grandmother also share a middle name.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I shed a tear last night in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." Not because of the actually movie, but how the movie related to my life. hhaa. Anyway, it was an awesome movie. I recommend seeing it.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Smoked turkey.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nooo

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Ehh, depends on the person I was. Whoever I was, I'm sure I could get along with me, but I don't know if we would actually hang out and stuff. lol.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Yes. More so with certain people.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
In a heart beat. I've been skydiving. Point being, I'm not afraid to take risks. I love adrenaline.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honey Bunches of Oats

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. But I think I only have 2-3 pairs of shoes that I actually tie. The other ones I have my laces knotted so I don't have to tie them. =)

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Moose tracks or chocolate chip cookie dough.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their body.

15. RED OR PINK?
pink

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST Favorite THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my weight

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My sister.


18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I don't care. I won't read it.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black sweatpants. No shoes.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
"These Walls" by Trapt

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Tickle me pink =)

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The smell of my house. haha. It's comforting. The smell of when it has just rained. Some guys... haha... More like their cologne.. or even deodorant. Yeah, I'm weird.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Idk, I was at work. I can't remember the last person who called the unit.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
The person who I got it from is alright.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football

27. HAIR COLOR?
Mine? Light brown/blonde.

28. EYE COLOR?
Hazel.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Ice cream.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR Happy ENDINGS?
Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Went to see "He's Just Not That Into You" last night.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Green/teal.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer. For sure.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
A combination.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Ehh.. I don't care.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Same as above.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
"Jinxed" by Carol Higgins Clark.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I have a laptop. And when I actually plug in my mouse (which is basically never) I use a lazer mouse so I don't really need a pad.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I didn't watch tv last night.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Babies laughing. =)

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Costa Rica.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can touch my tongue to my nose. Other people can too though.

46 WHERE WERE U BORN?
Texas.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I'm not looking to get any back.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Singgllleee

Today was my first day of nursing school clinical for this semester. Therefore, it was orientation day. My instructor seems like she is going to be super awesome. I think I'm going to get confused by the computer system at the hospital I am at though. Ah well.. could be worse.

Tonight Alex came over and he made me, Leandra, and Maria dinner at our house. (Monica wasn't invited. haha.) He made this yummy spinach salad which had shrimp, strawberries, and almonds with a red wine vinaigrette dressing. Soo good.

While Alex was here I got some pretty weird vibes concerning Andrew. I feel that Andrew is hoping that I no longer see him as a boyfriend or something. Actually, I kind of feel that he may be messing around with another girl. Not that I care... But it would just be nice to know so that I know the rules. I mean, if that's the case, then I want to be free to mess around with other guys. Ughhh I really need to talk to Andrew about all of this. Unfortunately he's awful with his phone so I can't wait to see him in person..... annnndd I'm going to sound really childish... but I really don't want to be the one to make the plans. I want to see if he will put forth the effort for him and I to get together this weekend. However, I have a great feeling that I will not hear from him. If that does happen, it's bye bye to Andrew. I am fine with being just friends with him, because I really need someone who talks to me more and wants to see me more. I guess I'm high maintenance or something... lol.

Tonight I kind of felt like shit though... by my roommates. Okay, sooo, last March/April-ish I got out of a almost-3-year relationship. Anyway, this summer I was doing some boy experimenting. Well the experimenting continued to this past semester. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't out having sex... I was just out meeting a lot of different guys, dating a lot of different guy, and so forth. So it's been a joke in the house that I'm a whore. But really, I'm not.. I'm just finally dating after being in a long relationship. This has really been the first time that I have dated since well.. I guess this is kinda the first time. Before Brandon, I didn't really date. Then all of a sudden I met Brandon and him and I started being serious.
Okay... so the part where I feel shitty:: Leandra tells me that her brother asked her if I was a whore. And she said, "yeah, she's a whore. Why do you ask?" He told her, "She just comes across as a whore." Then Leandra said, "Yeah, well she is." Fine.. whatever, I don't really care that you're telling your brother I'm a whore because he is too so he has no room to judge. However, then Maria tells me that her boyfriend asked if I was a whore... and she said YES! That's not even the worse part. Later on, Maria was asking me about Andrew and my situation with him. I kind of filled her in on how I've been feeling and that I just don't know about him and I think we may be over. Then she said, "Yeah, I didn't really see it lasting. You're not the relationship type." it just really hurt my feelings. I'm glad to see that my roommates, who I thought knew me best of all, think I'm a whore and I'm never going to have another relationship. I've had the longest relationship out of both Leandra and Maria. I'm probably overreacting right now, but my feelings are still hurt regardless.

I'm reddddiiiccculoouuusss... sooo about the new boyfriend.. I'm not so sure that I actually want a boyfriend. I mean, if I did have one, I would like to see him a lot more than I see my current "boyfriend". haha. Hopefully I'll be able to see him this upcoming weekend so I can talk to him about this. I want to talk about it in person rather than over the phone. I'm planning on saying something along the lines, "Soo, I don't really want a boyfriend, but I still want to be fuck-buddies." lol. Jk.. maybe.. =) I'm awful. haha. And it might not even be the distance thing... I just wish that we talked more than we do. Or maybe it's the fact that we're not all flirty. Or maybe it's a combination of it all. Idk what it is. All I do know is that I do really like Andrew, I think he's a great guy, I do think we are compatible, I just don't know if the timing is right.

School started last Monday. Ugh. Actually, I think I will really enjoy this semester. I have my mother-baby rotation class and that seems like it will be a lot of fun, but also a lot of work.

Unfortunately, Maria's father passed away last Sunday. Therefore, Leandra and I drove to Maria's home town to be with her. Thursday evening was the viewing and Friday morning was the funeral. So I missed classes on Thursday. (I don't have classes Friday. woot!) It was really tough being there. Deaths suck. For me, it's not the fact that people die... everyone dies. It's when I start thinking about the future and I realize that there are so many important moments in life that that person will not be able to share.

Speaking of deaths, one of my friends died this past week as well. I mean, him and I weren't close. However, we did hang out numerous times this past summer. But it was more like we were in a group of friends. We were never close enough that I would call him to do something. Nobody knows how he died, or at least it has not been released about how he died. I'm pretty sure it was a drug overdose though. He did a lot of drugs.

Last semester I got hooked on the show LOST. (Funny story about why I even started watching it----> My roommate Monica has loud sex. So I always try to drown her out by watching tv or something. Well, abc.com has all of the seasons of LOST, so I decided to watch that show. lol.) Anywho, the new season began this past week but I don't want to start watching it yet because I'm still only on season 2 online. I think I'm gonna try and watch an episode before I go to bed. =)