progWORKress , 22

Apparently the entire time he was never "attracted to me" in how a relationship should have attraction. There was solid friendship, there was physical attraction, but there was nothing else. He kept hoping it would come, but it didn't.. it just got "worse and worse".

I am going through a really hard time with this break-up. A first relationship/potential for a first break up should not, I repeat SHOULD NOT, be with your best friend unless there's 200% chance there will be a ring on your hand by the end of it. I thought there was a good chance, but less than 100 even.... and I was wrong. Didn't happen. Even though he wanted, he promised, I wanted, etc etc. Man he even was going to TWO FRIKKEN WEEKS before he dumped me. And then he tells me that when we broke up. ASSHOLE.

Life is crap.

It has more potential to be for good this time, because we're actually broken up. We're not "trying" ... although he says this is his version of trying. Trying to see if he misses me. Trying to see if he can pursue me (something he never really got the chance with based on how things just unravelled).

Yeah we went to the Blue Man group on Friday night. Then had some virgin piña coladas. And then he broke up with me. Arrrgh. Couldn't have given me the tickets to enjoy watching it with a friend like Leisha or someone? It was an amazing show, but whenever I remember it, it's going to be overshadowed.

Basically it came down to two things.

-He never got to pursue me, and feels he'd be less angry with how things worked out and feel less like he's stuck in it if he had been given the opportunity to pursue me more than he did

-I'm selfish. Everything is me me me, how I feel or how I depend on other people for everything. Something my parents had actually told me I needed to work on or I would lose him (or actually, they were telling me this before I even had the idea of dating Jesse). And put into play these things are all what I hope to do, to be a better person. To be more joyful with life. But I didn't realize how obvious I was being with them.

While I am actually kind of excited in starting the new leaf in life with becoming a more joyful person, I am definitely devastated. And really torn that it very likely could actually be over this time. I'm still in the hopeful stage though, of "we're taking this time to each grow as individuals" - something I think has merit - I just don't know what to do with so many parts of my life. My first (and hopefully only) breakup.