rachelinalaska , 22

i just got into a car accident about 2 and a half hours ago. i was crossing the bridge to work... there was about a half a mile long line of traffic. there's two lanes on the far side of the road. the guy in the lane closest to me stopped to let me cross to go to work and i looked on the lane next to him to make sure no one was coming. even though i thought there was no one there was and my little jetta got t-boned by a huge chevy pick up going full speed. my hand got cut really bad and was bleeding all over my car. the coffee i had in the cup holder spilled all over me and my passenger window got shattered so i was freezing because of the coffee and the cold air from the window. i was embarrassed when the paramedics came to fix my hand and i couldn't stop shaking. i remember thinking "i need a cigarette". my right hand is killing me so this is really hard to type. i called my dad and he picked me up... for those of you who don't know my dad and i don't have a real close relationship... we met only 6 years ago. i am really grateful that he came and helped me out because i was in shock. my beautiful car is gone. my insurance is going to raise because even though i didn't see him it's still my fault... which i understand. it makes me angry at myself. mostly because it wasn't like i was being careless... i specifically remember looking on the other side to make sure it was clear before i left because that's such a dangerous road. lots of people i work with have gotten hit the same way i did so i'm always really careful. but it happened. my back and neck are both really sore. my mom is on her way to down from Nome. she's really mad at the police department. i called them as soon as it happened to get help because my hand was bleeding. i told them exactly where i was parked, what happened, and what kind of vehicle i was in. a police officer showed up and spoke to the other driver first, which was fine. but then he drove away and i was left there again so i had to call back the police department to get another cop to help me. that upset her more than me though... it was about 10-15 minutes after it happened so... i was still in shock. i'm not sure why but i have a lot of dirt under my nails. i feel so horrible... so irresponsible. everyone at work knows... lots drove by the incident since it's literally RIGHT there. i've been feeling really depressed since i got home. i layed on the bed and when i got up there were pieces of glass on the sheets. i started bawling. then terence told me to just lay down on the couch and watch SVU. a car honked on the TV and i started crying. i feel like shit. my mom should be here in about 45 minutes. i don't know what to do. i feel restless, but tired. i took some photos of the damage. i don't want to post it on my myspace or facebook... i don't want that kind of attention. but i'll post it on here.

i'll update later when i know whats going on or i have news.


in this photo you can see the blood stains on the chair, the spilled coffee all over the seat, my speaker that caved in and blocked my dash department door, my stereo is all distorted, and of course... the glass. oh and that was my lunch in the plastic bag. cheese its and some soup.


the impact.


closer. my volkswagen hub cap is still missing...

i'm not sure what's going to happen at this point. i don't know what i'm going to drive.... i'm afraid to even think about driving again. i kept flinching on the way home in my dad's car and i wasn't even driving. i feel defeated. betrayed. anyone who knows me know that i'm obsessed with cars and now.. i'm scared to go near one. i am hoping that it'll pass soon. i am very lucky though. my jetta has proven it's strength and safety... it i was in a kia, ford, chevy, hyundai, pontiac, etc... i could have been killed.

well i should lay down now. terence will be back any second and will be pissed if he found out that i got on here instead of "resting". i don't feel relaxed enough to rest though.

oh here's my hand.

you wouldn't believe how much that little cut on the bruise area bled, but it actually cut a vein.

So tomorrow I have to go back to work after 10 days off... bummer. I was worried that during my week off I'd start to go stir crazy and bored but it has been really nice! I have been so relaxed and chill... lounging in pjs til 11am some days... drinking coffee... watching SVU... hanging out with Terence and the kitties... it's been so great and I'm NOT looking forward to work tomorrow haha. But... I have to pay the bills somehow so I guess I just have to suck it up. At least I only have a 3 day work week... although I have to show up a half an hr early because of that 3 day work week thing.

Right now the TV is on in the living room playing Leave it to the Lamas or something... these are seriously like the dumbest people on earth. It's irritating listening to them.

ANYWAY on Friday night Terence and I went to another bonfire until around midnight I think. Saturday we drove out to the Valley so he could hangout with his friend Anthony. Anthony's wife got home at around midnight while we were there... I had forgotten how much I dislike her. Just her presence irritates me.

I spent way more money then I wanted to on my week off! But I guess that's what happens when you have a lot of free time! This weekend I'd like to go to Sam's Club to stock up our kitchen. I need to throw in a load of laundry and clean up a bit tonight before I go back to work. I've put it off long enough! Also I want to jog a bit. So yaaa that's it folks... later.

Before the Bonfire


Ugh it's been too long since my last entry! Well here's the news...

My last entry I believe was about me being pissed off about not being engaged yet. Well I'm still irritated but luckily I've moved on a bit... hopefully I'm able to maintain it until the day actually arrives! I hate to say it, but one thing that totally helped me step back from being too upset was that I found out that Kristin girl I mentioned last entry is pregnant. (or, so she says) She's a total nut job and so is her boyfriend (actually now HUSBAND) and they decided to get married because of the baby. They've only been together a few months. AND they only got engaged like 2 weeks ago AND ALREADY GOT MARRIED! A real wedding and everything! I don't even know how they got all the shit together to pull that off so quickly. But Terence and I agreed, she could even be lying about being preggo. I wouldn't put it past her... she's pulled that kind of shit before.

ANYWAY so now that THAT'S out of the way...

So I was supposed to go to Nome on Friday morning to visit my grandparents for their 40th anniversary! But... the weather was shitty so we flew around Nome and then had to sit in Kotzebue for like 2 hours... then the flight took me home. I was so pissed and was literally sick from flying all day. I don't travel often, I never have, and never want to. I'm not afraid of it really, but I just hate being on airplanes.

But that evening we went to Terence's dad's house who made us a yummy quick dinner then went to a bonfire. Over the weekend we didn't do anything exciting... I rented SVU on DVD... it was $15. I'm thinking about just signing up for Netflicks, but we'll see. I have this entire week off by the way! I don't have to go to work until NEXT tuesday! :-)

Tomorrow I'm waking up before 8am because there's a SVU MARATHON ALL DAY! Hell yes! I'm soooooo fucking stoked! And I feel like such a nerd talking about it lol. I also want to clean out my trunk and get my winter tires put in there tomorrow evening. My dad is switching over my tires for free on Wednesday so that's nice.

I received my PFD on Thursday! $1,305 which brought my savings account to the goal I wanted to get to by the end of the summer! So that's really nice! I'm going to start my Christmas shopping soon because I don't want to deal with it when everyone else is. I hate crowds.

Okay well I think that's good enough for an entry! Have a good Monday!

Okay I'm just going to throw it out there... this entry is gonna be pretty bitter and full of self pity. I'm just pissed off, frustrated, and unsatisfied tonight.

So those of you who read my entries regularly already know that I've been frustrated about being with Terence for 4 years with no further commitment, aka an engagement. I'm a strong believer in not pressuring him into it and letting him do it on his own time... but it's just getting to the point where I'm feeling resentful. I've tried to let it go these last few months and keep it out of my mind... but tonight I'm just not even going to bother keeping it to myself.

So I log into facebook because I got an email alert saying I had a new friends request. Well, you know on the right side where it shows what friends have posted/commented/been tagged in photos? Well my friend Megan commented on an album called "Josh and Kristin's engagement pictures".

For those of you who don't know Kristin is this bitch that spend a year of her life trying to steal Terence out from under me. So needless to say, I don't like girl. She's been with this guy for what? 6 months? Maybe a year? ....and she got engaged over the weekend. The same time I was trying to get Terence off of the computer to hangout with me she was getting proposed to.

I'm just absolutely livid. It's not just about her... it's the fact that Terence doesn't even want to discuss it with me at all. We both know that we want to get married after he graduates sometime and have a long engagement, but he also wants to wait to get engaged until then too. So that puts the time line like what? 2-3 years after he graduates for the actual wedding? He doesn't graduate for about 2 more years so we'd be dating like a decade before HE decides it's time.

I guess I'm just frustrated because there isn't anything I can do! There's no negotiating this and it's all on his own time. I'm feeling like I've put so much into this relationship and I'm still nothing more than a girlfriend. My life has revolved around preparing for OUR future... with my job, all of my choices, all of my goals... they all revolve around making a great life for US...

Not only all this shit but it seems like people are starting to notice that I'm getting frustrated. It's like everyone I speak to lately have been asking when we're getting married. Even his dad did last night at dinner... in front of everyone. I didn't want to say "in about 5 years" so I just said that I didn't know and decided not to talk the rest of the night.

I'm just upset tonight. I guess this coffee mug of vodka isn't helping the self wallowing lol. Oh well fuck it.

P.s. Thank god for Pantera.

+P.s. This is just a rant, not something I'm going to bring up with him. Like I said... I'm a believer in having him do it on his own time. I'm just getting frustrated about how fucking long its taking