Blog of UrbanDecay13

I am aware I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head.

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:43:47 +0000

And now, before I even have the chance to recover from the first round of havoc that Jonathan wreaked on my heart, he's back.
Just like that.
But no.
WHAT THE FUCK?

Why. Why now. Why ever. Why me.

I just can't.
I just don't know.

I never stopped missing him.
Not for one second of one minute of any day between this moment and the moment he stopped talking to me six weeks ago.
But what does that mean?
Does that mean that I need him?
Does that mean that I should let him back in my life?
What if he breaks my heart again?
I can't let him break my heart again. It'll be too broken for anyone to ever fix.

But I fell so hard.
The only ever time in my life I can remember missing someone this much is when I miss Marissa.
That's how much I miss Jonathan.
And I just don't know how to feel about this.
I don't know if I'm ruining my life by letting him back in.

Three or four texts from him and he's already the only thing I can think about. Wondering when his next text will come.
Remembering how great he was when I was there.
And he's still talking about our life together.
I feel like I'm missing a part of me when I'm not talking to him or seeing him.

It's probably dumb that I'm even thinking or writing any of this.
Because unfortunately for me, I let people break my heart.
And no matter how much I might believe this is the wrong thing to do, and no matter how much I think he might break my heart again, what can I do? That's practically part of the allure.

And.
I don't know if him constantly being on my mind is because I'm meant to be with him, or because I'm obsessed, or because I'm just dumb.

I just don't fucking know.
And I want to know.
If it's not meant to be it won't work, right?
Can I go under that assumption for now?

I just want this to work with him.
But I don't know how to go back to how we were.
Or did we ever really leave that?
I just know that I feel like I can't live without him in my life. And I can't decide if that means I'm crazy and this is unhealthy, or if that's because we're meant to be together.

I just don't know.

I wish..

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:38:43 +0000

I wish that the world would just implode in on itself.
Because that's how I feel.
Like my whole world has crumbled down and doesn't exist anymore.

This just isn't getting any easier.
And there's nothing I can do, except let it happen.
I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to do this.

And some things just aren't meant to be..

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:28:55 +0000

I don't even know what happened.
And I don't think I'm ready to write about it yet.
Because I'm that hurt.
I have to write about it when I have some perspective.
Because today I will just start crying again when I try to rehash the nonexistence of Jonathan in my life.

Because it hurts, more than I can remember hurting before.
So another day, and another time, when I've had time to come to terms with the situation, this post will happen in its entirety.

But for now I just have to chronicle the pain that I'm feeling.
Quantify the existence of this hole in my heart, in my life, that has replaced Jonathan.

He filled a hole in me which I had no idea was there, and he took with him more than I could ever care to give.

Don't read this.

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:39:35 +0000

This is a further chronicle of my time with Jonathan. Because I don't want to forget anything about the two weeks we spent together.

New Years Eveeeeeeeeeee; omg. Ratio at the party: 12 or so guys to two girls, only one of which was single. ME. Not only did I really meet, and makeout with, Jonathan, buttttt I professed my love for Russell, who was not drunk, like I was, and it's okay with me. I'm ridiculous but NYE happened to be such an amazing night, not only because I met, and madeout with, Jonathan, buttttttt it was great to sit and talk with all my old friends and get shitfaced and not even care. It was a great night.
Thennnnnnn...we texted all day Friday and Saturday.
Saturday night my family and a few of my good friends and their parents went to The Draft House, where Jonathan works (coincidence) andddd he happened to be our waiter. Which was fun. It was good to see him that night, and we had such a great time. Love those people I went to dinner with.
Sunday = Jets game and by dinner time I was so ready to JET outta my house because my parents were intentionally agitating each other over the whole football ordeal. The Jets won, and I went out to a movie with Jonathan, then to get hot chocolate and we sat in his car and talked for a while.
At this point, I was still skeptical. I mean, I don't often meet boys that I can actually connect with. And he has such an obnoxious laugh. But I love it. But at this point, I didn't know that yet.
Mondayyyy he met me at the mall and we shopped, and this is where I was really like, 'omg, what have I gotten myself into.' Because this boy has the absolute best sense of style I've ever seen for a guy his age, andddd he's straight, andddd he's so goodlooking and RIDICULOUS.
But we hungout and talked and it was good. Then that night we went to minigolf (fun) and out for dessert after with Chris. That was a good time.
Tuesday, we went for coffee before I went to breakfast with boo and Vincent. He was supposed to come to breakfast but took over the shift of someone else at work because she had to take her son to the doctor.
Wednesday I hungout with Lesley and we went to Barnes and Noble and he met us there and we looked at books and magazines all day and had a good time. Then that night we went to trivia at The Draft House, which was a lot of fun.
Thursdayyyyyyy; hmm...Thursday weeeeee...went to see Avatar in 3D. He didn't like it near as much as I did, but that's kinda okay. I loved it just as much the second time around.
Over the weekend I went to G-ville to see my homies. That was a good time, though I wish Jonathan could have come with me up there. I really enjoyed my time with Xtal and Dustin though, even if they are sickeningly sweet and disgusting.
Thennnnn..Sunday I went home and football again? I don't remember.
Buttttt...Monday we went to breakfast and chilled in his car again. Great time. At this point I was pretty sure I was really connecting with him, and I liked it.
Tuesday; hmmm...See, I'm already forgetting so I have to write this all down so that one day, I don't have to forget. So Tuesday weeeeee...went to see a movie with Marissa and Zack and Paul. That was kinda a bit of a mistake. I wish I could've spent more time with them, with Marissa, outside of the movie that we saw. The movie, however, was hilarious, and I enjoyed it. I just miss spending time with Marissa.
Wednesday we went to Friendly's, he got GROSS icecream that I wouldn't eat, and then we went to trivia at The Draft House again, which was fun. We played pool, I lost (duh) but it was a good time.
That night was kinda the beginning of the terribleness that ensued the next day though.
It was hard knowing it was the last night I'd see him for at least two months, if not a lotttt more.
Thursday he met me at the beach and we talked. And I think that that's actually when I realized how hard it would be.
He was so caring, so tender, and so rational. It was hard to say goodbye because I felt comfortable with him, after just those two short weeks we had together.

Now, I don't know.
This is dumb.
I'm being silly, and falling hard.
And I know that.
I'm still falling though, and he seems like he's gonna catch me.
I really shouldn't trust him so easily, but this seems different than before.
He's sweet and he makes me smile without trying and he's just great.
He's also just like my dad, which is ironic, because they say "You marry your father."
His favorite pie is key lime pie. I mean, really? Why that one? Same as my dad.
But I like it.
It's uncanny, but I really enjoy it.
And I hate being sappy. I'm not sappy and I don't show my emotion.
But with him, it feels okay.
And I'm gonna try to make this work.
Somehow, it has to work.
And I'm not going to rush into it, because that's how it'll fail.
If we both fail to think this through, and if we don't give ourselves time to truly contemplate how this will affect us, than the relationship will fail.
But, we're gonna make this work, if it's the last thing I do.
I hope it's the last thing I do.

I f u c k e d up.

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:38:25 +0000

And I know it.

But I'm going to chronicle my major fuckup, because I don't want to forget a minute of it.
I miss him already.
But I'll probably miss Jonathon Errico more now than I will in any of the days that follow.
And I kindof just feel dumb. Because I knew this was coming.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't thinking. And maybe that's a good thing?
When I think, I don't do things that make me happy. And so I didn't think, and boy did he make me happy.
Ohhh god. In 48 hours I'll be gone. Back to NJ, then back to MA after that. With all the Massholes. Shit.
And maybe I think I miss him more than I do.
Could we have had a real relationship?
I'd be willing to bet my college education on it.
If he could just live near me.
I HATE PORT SAINT FUCKING LUCIE FLORIDA.
I will never live here again.
I can't even say when, or if, I'll be back here again, to see Jonathon.
So I can't even begin to pretend that a long distance could ever work.
But god.

I've never wanted to fight so much for anything in my entire life.
But I let him go. And now he's gone and I can't do a thing about it.
And I couldn't do a thing about it anyways. But I just wish I could.
Shit.

Am I making a mistake in not fighting for him?
It's not even like there's a fight to be had. Another time, and another place, we could've been perfect.

Of all the bars, in all the world...

I just can't do anything right.
And then, while my heart was being held together by a fucking thread, my best friend couldn't even be there.
And I'm scared. God I'm so scared.
What would I ever do without her?
I can't do this.
I can't do this without her. And I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and I'm going to realize that I've been doing it without her all my life and I'm going to have a mid-life crisis, or just a life crisis.
Marissa I know you'll read this someday. And I just don't know.
I love you and you're my best friend. And I'm just freaking out right now.
And tomorrow, next week, in a few months, I'm not going to care that you weren't here, right now, and I know that.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.
So I'm sorry if any of that comes out the wrong way.

Maybe someday, I'll look back on this and laugh, because me and Jonathon do get our time, sometime in the future.
I'd be happy if that were the case.
Please let that be the case.

Please.

It's that time of year again.

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 05:11:54 +0000

"So here's to this year being better than the last."

Hm..Where to begin.
First, this entry comes a little early this year. Throughout my time on Kiwibox, I've always made an entry on the first day of the new year to recap my year and I guess say what I hoped I would accomplish in the following year. I don't even know. Turns out I didn't do one last year. Whatever. Mostly, this is a recap on college. On where I've come from, and what I'm doing now? I can't even begin to tell you where I'm going.

The one thing that I always loved about Kiwibox was that I could never delete anything I had said without deleting the whole journal. I'm really mad that they changed that policy. I was happier when I felt like I couldn't go back and edit out my ridiculous dumbass statements from my 13 year old mind. I'm still not going to delete any of it, but let me tell you, I'm tempted.

So...I'm upset.
I'm not unhappy, but I'm upset.
Worried might be a good adjective. Or slightly delusional and probably insane.
I'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic and a whore, buttttt it's college. That's my excuse and I feel like it's a good one, and I'm not worried about that.
I'm just having an emotional night.
I would like to say that I miss home. And I miss being home and I miss the comfort that home gives me, but I'd be lying.
I love Amherst. But it's just not everything. Not that anyone can ever have everything. But there's something missing. Or not missing, there's something wrong. With me. I'm wrong. And I can cry as much as I want and that won't fix it. And I don't know how to fix it. But I want to fix it. I want to be strong and open and have friends. I miss having friends.
I fuck myself over every time. Because the only thing I've ever wanted was compassion, and I get sucked in with just the tiniest bit. And then it's gone, and I should have known better. But I never know better.

The problem is less that I run back to people who I shouldn't, and more that I run to people in the first place who are bad for me. I need a better radar when it comes to people who are douchebags and people who are genuine and nice and not terrible.

I just need to figure myself out. And I say that every time. And sure maybe I'm just saying it again. I guess we'll see. I just need to not run to the first guy who pays me a little bit of attention. Because that's what I did. Twice. And that's what fucked me over both times. So fuck Rob. Not Henry so much, because that's different and he didn't do anything wrong. But fuck Rob. Because he played me. He played me good. Like Brandon.
I'm gullible in a way that you'd never guess, but once you know about my weaknesses, you've got me on your fucking string.

So maybe for 2010 I'll concentrate on not being weak. I'll concentrate on finding something real. A real friendship, a real relationship, a real passion of mine. Something real that I can depend on.

In other words, in 2010 I'll be chasing my vodka with broken resolutions.
Cheers.

I just don't know.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:32:16 +0000

It's not like I'm even really looking for a relationship.
But I can't say I'd mind it.
I mean, I find these guys that I'm so attracted to, that actually have good personalities and actually seem like good people, and then somehow, they're attached to someone else in some way, that's not enough to make them exclusive, but just a bit too much for them to be involved with anyone else.

Fuck.
Like really.
I just need to stop. Stop doing whatever it is that I do that makes me attract unavailable guys.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
I'm that girl that guys absolutely love to be friends with. But that's it.
And it's fucking unfair.
I just for once want someone to understand me better than that.

I don't lay in your fucking bed because I want to be your best friend.
Like fuck that.
Is that what you think?
I just don't get it. And I'm sick of being that girl.
And of being that girl that's attached to guys that would never be attached to her. I'm always that girl.

I miss my car. And being able to ride in my car and fucking scream. And just scream, and scream.
I just want to scream and cry and cry and scream until my voice is hoarse and I don't have to cry or scream anymore.
Because I just don't want to be me anymore.

I feel violated, in so many ways.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:51:22 +0000

Ew fuckshitbitchdamnfuckewfuckfuckfuckgrossfuck.

I thought I was done making huge mistakes when it comes to guys. OMFG. Why can't I just find a nice normal fucking guy who's not a fucking creeper and who doesn't fucking creep creep creep like a fucking pro. Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? I always get stuck with weird ass guys.
Ew fuck shit bitch fuck damn.

So there's this girl. And her name is FUCKING Hillary. And OH MY FUCKING GOD. The sound of her voice and laughter and the FUCKING ANIMAL FUCKING NOISES that she FUCKING makes honestly make me want to cry and sob and cry and sob and scream and cry and cry. I've never been so annoyed, angered, fucking fucking fucked by someone's voice.
Not to mention she's a huge fucking bitch.
I mean, I have no claim over him, at all, but she ASKED ME straight up if there was something going on and I told her STRAIGHT FUCKING UP that there was something going on and she had her own fucking whatever fucking fuck problems with another guy.
And the next FUCKING day she's having him give her fucking MASSAGES.
Like FUCK YOU you stupid CUNT.

And it wouldn't even be that big of a FUCKING deal. Because I really do have no claim over him and he really doesn't want a relationship. But FUCK YOU. BOTH OF YOU.

It's shit like this that fucks me up. That makes me close myself off and not be able to open up to people. Because when I do open up I get screw the FUCK over by people like this fucking CUNT of a fucking MANWHORE that I thought I could actually talk to.
And I really don't have anyone right now that cares.
SO FUCK YOU.

And it's just one of those fucking days.
I wish that I could have avoided this all together.
I don't know how I get myself in these fucking situations.
I pick the wrong fucking ones all the time.
I'm going to become asexual.
Like honestly.
Because there's absolutely no point in me even looking at fucking guys who are fucking cunts.

...and I've never fallen so..hard.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 23:26:30 +0000

I love it here at Amherst.
It's absolutely the most amazing place I could be right now. And I don't regret my decision to come here in the least.
I'm not homesick at all, except a little when I think of my dog.
I love the people, and the experiences. Everyone is just great and it's eye-opening, to say the least.
However, there is one downfall that I wasn't expecting to come quite to soon.
And I also think that as soon as it came up, it may pass me by, no matter how much I wish that it wouldn't.
I met a guy.
How?, you ask, in just under a week.
That's the only question I've been asking myself, besides Why?.
A freaking week and I'm already falling for a boy and it isn't fair. Because I'm so absolutely incompetent when it comes to boys feelings.
He told me everything I want to know, and we had one great night, but he told me it had to be the last, because he can't afford to have a relationship get in the way of this last chance that he has at succeeding. Which I can understand.
But then the signals get a little mixed.
Should I still go to his room and sit and talk with him for hours?
Should I go to meals with him and the gym?
I don't know where the line is drawn, or if there even is a line at this point.
I wish that things could be a bit simpler, and I could just have a straight up answer to what's okay and what isn't at this point.
Honestly, I'd be totally okay if we just laid in bed for hours upon hours and talked about everything. Because I feel like I could.
And really, I feel like maybe I'm shutting down a little, and I don't know how to combat that.
I don't know what to do to stop myself from shutting back up and not letting the world in, because the first guy that I let in in years doesn't or can't or won't be in a relationship.
I'm just not certain what to do.
I want to scream a little.
I want to hate him, but at the same time I want to hangout with him and be with him and just hear what he has to say.
I'm just not sure.

It's a matter of blood and connections.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:05:41 +0000

I'm eighteen years old.
EIGHTEEN.
Not twelve.
I get laughed at for having an 11:30 curfew. Literally laughed at.
I've always been a good kid. I just really really really can't understand this.
I'm leaving for college in two freaking weeks. And what am I doing on my summer night, the only fucking night of the summer that my best friend is in town?
I'm home by 11, not hanging out with her until the wee hours of the morning.
I mean, fuck.
I hear the stories about my mom living at a campsite with her best friend for a freaking summer with no parents, making sure only that there was beer for the week, and not worrying about food so much, and I can't spend the night at my best friends boyfriends house? I mean, it's her fucking boyfriend. It's not even like a boy, he counts as like neutral-gendered for God's sake.
It shouldn't matter. At all. I should be allowed to see my fucking best friend on the one night she's in town for as long as I want because I have NO IDEA when I could possibly see her again.
It might be fucking 5 months from now.
Do you know how long 5 months is?
Longer then you could ever imagine when the only person in the whole world who understands anything real is the only person you can't see.
Trust me.
It's all a little ridiculous.
When I go to college I'm staying out until forever and never going to sleep and doing whatever I want.
So there.
But not really.
Because I've always been more responsible than that.
Which is why I'm going to one of the top colleges in the entire world. Thanks.
It's just unbelievable. End of story.

It's just the kind of thing that makes you say, "Really?" and tilt your head to the side a little.
If you knew me, you'd understand that this isn't fair.