stilettoADDICT , 22

[bg color=black]It's only 10:38PM here but it's already tomorrow on kiwi.

It's been so hard for me to talk about my feelings lately. I think that's why I stayed away from here for a while.. I didn't wanna talk about what was happening.. Or I was too ashamed to. I tend to to think that the reason why it's so hard for me to talk about my problems is the fact that I'm trying to run away from then or pretend they don't exist. I just think that if I talk to people about it, all they're gonna do is give me SHIT. "You shouldn't be dealing with that blah blah blah." Venting has never really worked for me so therefore, I don't do it very often.

But I'll try. I'll try to talk about it little by little.

I talked to Ty (my ex) last night. I never told him about me being pregnant. He came back from Maryland a month before I gave birth and he was trying to talk to me. I was avoiding him because I didn't wanna talk about the pregnancy. Last night, I decided to text him. Long story short, he's not mad about the baby, and he's not going back to Maryland. My older subbies would think I would be the happiest person on earth.. But for some reason I'm just nonchalant about it.. I have too much drama with Alex to even try to get into something like that.. Anyway, me and Ty talked til 3AM. We're still texting til now. He asked me if I still have feelings for him or if I "kinda" have feelings for him.. What's the difference lol feelings are feelings.

Alex started shit today that made me really wanna end it with him. So I'm supposed to get WIC (a program that helps people by giving them formula, milk, cereal, etc) so I can have formula for Ben because formula is NOT cheap. One of their requirements is for me to verify my income and since I stopped having income when I stopped working, I need to use Alex's income. So I told him I needed his check stub to show it to them and he goes, "I don't know, I'm gonna have to ask my mom and people because the only reason why you would need my check stub is to put me on child support." I was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! It just hurts that he can't trust me and he says he fully trusts me. It even makes me cry as I'm typing this. It just hurts when the one you love thinks you're a bad person. So I txt him and told him that I don't think it's gonna work out with us because I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me. He goes on about how I don't trust him either.. But it's like, FUCK, after all you've done, how can I?

UGH. There's so much more to this but I fucking hate talking about him and this shitty ass relationship.

Then my mom starts complaining about him and money and BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. She also starts talking to me about what's gonna happen to me now.. and idk.

There's so much more to it. I just feel like everything is falling apart. Right now my life is full of ups and downs.. 2 weeks ago I was happy and now everything is shitty. IDK ANYMORE! :|