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[8][settling down i think]
Justxwaiitiing 23
I can't believe thats all she said to you.. youre so… -
[8][settling down i think]
SatansGift666 21
Your ring is def. purrdy. I sure hope your honey is … -
[8][settling down i think]
FatalFantasy 23
hey sweetie. i'm sorry your mom was such a bitch a… -
[8][settling down i think]
Hunniebunniedee 23
oo, that ring is beautiful! I'm glad that you are d… -
[update on life][7]
FatalFantasy 23
hey! i know you're subbied to me and i returned the…
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sunxshine , 21fromCommentsShow all Subscriptions (1)Statistics
[8][settling down i think][ 8 ]
Mornin ya'll :]
So like I said, we went over to my moms to get clothes. And low and behold, she happens to be there. Why wasn't she at work? No fucking clue. So we go over there, just start grabbing clothes and all she says to me while we're there is "You have clean clothes in the garage." Not 'oh where have you been, I've been worried' or 'are you ok? I've missed you since we haven't talked in like 5 days' or anything. So we just went in, got clothes and left. She texts me after we left saying "If you guys are really moving out you need to clean the dishes and garbage out of your room, it stinks." Which we have NOTHING in my room, and it smells from smoking weed in there bitch. Ugh. I talked to my brother n sister too. Details on them; Johnny is 13, Shayla is 10, 11 in sept. I'm not so close to Shayla, mainly, I think, to the age difference, but I love her to pieces anyways. Johnny and I on the other hand, are very close. Andd I'm VERY protective over him. Both of them actually but yea. Talking to them was nice though, it kinda calmed my worries somewhat. I let them know that it wasn't because I didn't love or want to be around them, it was that mom didn't want us there and we were just unhappy being around her. Johnny understood more, Shayla just doesn't really comprehend it yet I think. I guess Johnny was talking to mom and he asked her if she was happy that we moved out and her words were "Not really, I'm mad that they would rather move out than help out." I was just like WTF BITCH. We sit there and clean YOUR house all fucking day long, every fucking day, and NOTHING we do is ever good enough! It's not that we don't fucking HELP OUT, we're just sick of not being good enough while you sit on your ass and pop pills and drink. Bitch. /rant. Also, I guess she's been calling Zach's dad, EVERY single day. He keeps saying it's cuz she misses me and she wants to talk to me, but if that was the case, why wouldn't she call me? I know she knows the number. I think she's just trying to get sympathy like always. Random fact; for about a year Zach's dad and my mom dated, after Zach and I had already been dating for 6 months. They finally broke up because HE wasn't ready to raise 2 more children. Idiots. In other news, the gastroenterologist called, they found that me white and red blood cell counts are up, meaning an infection or inflammation of some sort. I have a appointment on the 26th, but I don't know what they plan on doing. But HOPEFULLY *crosses fingers*, this means that they'll find the infection, give me antibiotics, and I'll be better. Normal. HA if there was such a thing. One more thing before I go, Zach n I have been doing A LOT better since we moved out of my moms. I mean he talks about the change a lot, he see's it, I see it. It's crazy. It's like he went from just kinda staying with me cuz he felt like he had to, to... I don't even know how to explain it but to use his words; "It's like someone hit a light switch. I was so unhappy and now I just feel so happy and loving, and I love you so much. Like I can FEEL this warm, love running through my veins now and I look at you and just melt." I dunno where it's coming from but it's great :D. Anddddddd we were looking at rings and talking about getting married. He's always been kinda iffy talking about marriage and kids and such, but he said he WANTS to get married, and ASAP. Bhaha. I'm like, did we switch brains or something? Jeeezzzeeeee hahaha. It makes me SO happy though. I just wanna be his wifey :) Final thing; This is the ring I told him I want XD Link ;RING Picture;  <333333 Heather [.responders.] justxwaiitiing; I agree about just letting out the anger and hurt, if I keep that in I'll just make myself sicker. Zach's an only child so it's just him, me, his dad, and three dogs hahaha. The sickness kinda MAKES me get up early, but I'm sick every morning :\ So I can get up early and try to do stuff but I'll usually just feel sick till I start smokin around 1. Yea I think we have one of the highest minimum wages here but I guess that means things here is more expensive right? Like cost of living. I think the average apartment rent is around $600-800 for a decent one in a decent part of town so I dunno haha. ANDD I agree, if they don't figure out wth is wrong with me soon I might go ape shit. This is messing with my life and I'm sick of it. FatalFantasy; I hope I'll like the pill too, I'm just really bad at remembering to take em. I'm getting better now that I HAVE to take pills already, so the birth control is just one more. For my the hard part isn't moving away from home, it's more that I don't have any of my stuff except my clothes and I'm really close to my siblings and I worry bout them. Yea no hours is sucking hard. I'm gunna start applying places soon. [update on life][7][7]
Hey all. Few new things happening so I'll go over those.
My arm is startin to heal up from getting the BC removed, I like it so much better. I'm on a pill now, basically because I've tried EVERYTHING else, so this is like, last option shiiz. Hahaha. I woke up feelin really crappy this morning. Not sure if it's stress or just getting sicker, but it's really getting to me and bringing my life down. I don't wanna be sick anymore. It's just too hard to keep smiling for everyone. Today Zach n I are going over to my mom's and grabbing a buncha our crap. I know this isn't gunna go well, and I have a feeling I might have a breakdown :[ Long story short, this blows. I'm homesick as hell and I miss my brother n sister :[[ Ughh. I'll start feeling better about it in time, it's just hard right now. Being at his dad's is nice though. He treats us with respect and if we need anything he helps us, instead of my mom saying "sorry, not my fault, go ask your dad." I've noticed that I've been starting a lot of sentences with "At my mom's..." or "My mom used to..." and just in general talking about her a lot. It's annoying. Speaking of annoying, I'm scheduled to work ONE day this week. Friday, 5-9 pm. It's like WTF. We get paid minimum wage, $8.40, and get paid every 2 weeks. In the entire year and a half I've worked there, I've never gotten a paycheck higher than $250. Absolutely ridiculous. I need to get another job, but with whatever this sickness is, I can't wake up and go to work early, so that'll make it harder :[ That's it for now. If you haven't already, I suggest you go back and read journal number 6, helps to explain things. <333 Heather [6][big changes / hoping they're for the better][6]
Heyy all. So I wrote an entire huge entry yesterday, went to post it and my fcking browser froze so I lost everything. Fcking gay shiz. Then I was too pissed to rewrite it so I'm doing it today.
So some big happenings; I got a call from my gastroenterologist(sp) yesterday, saying that from the stool samples(ick) they found that my white AND red blood cell counts are up, meaning maybe what's been making me sick is just an infection or inflammation of some sort. Hopefully, cuz that would mean I'd take antibiotics for a week and be 100% normal again XD Wishful thinking I know. Even bigger and more important happenings; So yesterday morning, around this time, my mom came out to the kitchen and just started bitching about anything she possibly could. Which is fairly normal, if her mouth opens, then she's either taking a shot of some kinda alcohol or she's bitching about something. That's just how she is. Anyways, so I'm sitting on the couch, sick as hell, the last few days have been shit for me health wise, and she's saying "Oh what's your excuse for not cleaning the house today?" and I said "Hmm, well it's 10 am and I know you can clearly see a full puke bowl beside me, but other than that I'll get right on cleaning YOUR house." And she just went off on "Oh of course you're sick, you're always sick, but you're just being lazy like your dad." Pissed me the fck off. So I just stopped talking. THEN she decides she's not done letting out steam yet and decides to attack Zach since he's not awake to defend himself. So she says "You guys don't do anything for me, all Zach does is sleep and play on the computer all day." I was just furious at this point. All the sudden I get a text from Zach [who's in the bedroom sleeping], saying "Wow what a great thing to wake up to :[" Meaning he heard her say that. [ Btw it's a little thing we do, he'll text me when he wakes up and I'll come cuddle :) ] Anyways, so I go into the bedroom and he tells me he heard what she said and says that he thinks he should move back in with his dad. At this point, I'm crying because I'm assuming that means he's breaking up with me. We end up talking a lot and finally decide that him and I will move into his dad's, together, and we'd stay together, through thick n thin, no matter what. I'd say we're a lot closer than we have been in a while and our relationship just feels so much more loving. Problem with this entire thing; I'm pretty sad about all of it. I mean, I've spent my entire life trying to impress and please my mother and just get her love, support, and respect. And recently I'd given up hope that I would ever get any of those things. And now this happens and it kinda just feels like "ok this is it, it's over now, no turning back" kinda like a break up. So I'm sitting here kinda just feeling like my worlds been turned upside down by everyone around me and I'm just left to pick up the pieces and figure out where they go. I feel like none of this is in my control and well, I think I'm a control freak cuz that part's effecting me more than I thought it would. But overall, my main issue's are my brother n sister. I'm pretty close with them and we've only been at Zach's dad's house for one night, but already I miss them like hell. I dunno how I'm supposed to tell them I won't be living there anymore. I love them like crazy and I WANT to be with them everyday. Ugh crying again :[ I just am worrying about absolutely everything that could go wrong and I don't want them to be mad that I'm leaving them. I miss them and love them a ton so I'm freaking out a little. I think it'll get better with time. Ok that's about all I've got, plus the entry is DEFINITELY long enough already. Let me know what you guys think. <33333 Heather [TOO EARLY][5][bgcolor=white]
[color=#FF3366][5] Mornin ya'll. Sorry I haven't written for the last few days, my laptop chargers' on the fritz again :[
Mmm what's been happening... Well I made another appt to get my birth control out, next Wednesday, so yay for that. Maybe my skin would actually clear up [:/] Worked yesterday, pretty lame, but I found out I was an hour late and no one even noticed except Ambur lolol. I mean not even me hahaha. Got my paycheck Wednesday. To put things into perspective, here, minimum wage is 8.40 an hour. my paycheck was for $40.07. Fcking ridiculous. /rant Zach n I are doin good, yesterday we went and hung out at my dads for a few hours. Smoked some bowls and watched Ghost Hunters :] hell yes. Then came home, tried to smoke more, and passed out hahaha. My only thing is he was seeming really distant almost yesterday, and I stress the hell outta myself when we argue so I feel shitty today :\ Oh well, it's just a calm, cold, muggy day in Oregon, so I can just do laundry n relax :] Any of you guys read any Nora Roberts? She's my favorite beside Stephanie Meyers XD anyways, I just finished the Seven trilogy that Nora wrote, absolutely amazing. If you like Nora's books, go get this set. Wellllll I think that's about it, might update later if anything fun goes down :] <333333 Heather [what i can't say to my mother][4][4]
What I wish I could say to my mother but never will; I hate you. I hate how you treat me, and everyone around me. I hate that you drink and sit in your room all day feeling sorry for yourself. I hate that no matter what I do, it's just NOT good enough for you. I hate that you feel like I'm SUCH a burden on you and there's nothing I can do to make you love me like a mother should love her daughter. I hate that you're so emotionally closed off that you can just not care that I'm getting my arm sliced open and sewn up. I hate that all my life I've spent it trying to impress you and get your respect and knowing now, after all these years, I'll never get it. I hate that you're a selfish bitch and if you're not happy, then the rest of the world just isn't allowed to be either. And I hate that even as I write this, I'm crying because a real mother would know, and would care, and would try to make it right, but you see me crying and tell me to grow up. I'm sorry that you regret me so much and when I move out, I'll make sure I'm not that burden to you anymore, because you won't be in my life, or my future husbands, or my children's, and hopefully someday, when you pull your fucking head out of your ass and open your eyes, you'll finally realize why. /rant. Appointment in an hour and a half, Zach's gunna be there to hold my hand, so I'll feel better a little. Really not good with blood or needles though so I might just close my eyes and keep them closed the entire time. So I said I'd post Zach's new smexy car soooo;  Hopefully that works : Anyways, not much going on yet today, I'll update later n post my battle wounds ;] Sorry about the dramaticness of this entry hahaha. Had to get it out somewhere. I need green, I can't deal with my mother right now, I'm freaking out, and I need to calm down. My dad has his green card, so maybe I'll call him and see if he wants to share ;] <333 Heather UPDATE SO I'm driving to my appt and I realize, wtf, I shoulda hit High St. by now. Where the fuckk is it?! So I call Planned Parenthood at 12.02, my appt was at 12, and I'm like "I'm gunna be a teeny bit late for my appt, I'm a little lost" so she asked where I was and I told her and she said I was "really close" but when I asked where to go from where I was she was like "I dunno sorry." So I'm like "uhm ok, well I'll probably be there in less than 5 mins" and she was like "actually, if you're late at all we have to give your appointment away, but you can come in and see if someone just doesn't show up." WTF?! Biggest bunch of fucking bull shit I've ever fucking heard. So I go in and I explain to them that I NEED to get my birth control out today, it's imperative to my health and my doctor expects it out today and she was like "Sorry, nothing we can do but have you wait." Keep in mind that I got there at 12.09. So we wait till 12.50 and I go up to the counter and I was like "Is there any appointments for 1 that haven't shown up yet?" and the lady at the counter was like "Oh there's a 10 minute grace time after your appt that you can show up." I was like "Well I got here before 12.10, why was I told I couldn't have my appointment?" and she's was like "Well we had already given it away when you got here." Zach was there so he was like "Ok then we're leaving, bye." fairly rudely, thank god. I started balling when we got in the car. Soo upset right now. God fucking dammit. Fact; Why couldn't I find the street? Because stupid fucking idiot teenagers stole EVERY SINGLE High St. sign because they're fucking idiots... Once again, I need green, before I go blow the stupid fucking place up. UGH. <333 Heather |
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