sweetnaqt , 31

You know those people, the kind that at five they knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up. And when they did finally grow up they were exactly the same person they wanted to be at five.

I have never been one of them.

Even to this day, at the age of thirty one I find myself struggling with who I am, where I am going. And what do I want to do. Not because I am to lazy to figure out but rather because in truth. I have not one clue at all.

At five I wanted to be an astronaunt. Until I saw the shuttle blow up. At ten I think I wanted to be a gymnist. Until I was told due to my disability I never would be one. And at sixteen I wanted to be a teacher. I loved kids, so why not. But I went to college, followed in my older sisters footsteps and was told I was not going to be my sister, who had just graduated and was, a teacher.

And now? I want to be a writer. Though in all honesty, am afraid of the rejection that my work is not good enough and so I write, not as much as I should and then determine on my own that it isn't good enough and stop. Well that and the truth that I just don't have the time. Not while I am in school, and playing mom to my son and a full time worker who has just about a two hour commute.

Writing always seems to get pushed aside, only pulled out when I have a spurt of inspiration or thought.

And then there is another thought, or fear rather. I don't want to do or, perhaps I am not meant to do much of anything. Lord knows my disability has stopped me, limited me. And as if the physical disability wasn't bad enough, throw in a learning disability and well. Yeah I am pretty much headed for a double strike right there.

I write this because as I sit writing I am supposed to be doing work, but seem to have to ask several questions to the kid behind me. Who looks at me whenever I ask him anything as though I am stupid. And then I curse myself because yes, I probably am. How many times had I done this in the past and since returning from leave, it has gone down the drain? As if a part of my memory on anything work related somehow was lost in that hospital room.

I thought I would know. I thought I would be in some high career by now. Maybe not as manager, but surely not as some administrative assistant who is cleaning out her bosses network files because they look dirty to him. I thought for sure I would know who I was by this point.

When the truth is, I am no closer at thirty one than I was at 5.

Its a big week for me. One that I can't believe has come around once more.

Last Sunday I turned 31. I remember when I thought being in my thirties was something I was never going to see. Well surprise. Already a year into it. Already can I say I am thirty something. The thought, kind of scare me if you ask me. Not that I feel any older, but knowing tha in a lot of ways I am.

Older.

And then there is tomorrow. When I celebrate my fifth year of marriage with my husband Andy. I would like to say it has all been happy. But the fact is, I think our fourth year was quite honestly one of the hardest. I hear it is only going to get harder from here. We will be entering the period that I have been warned by so many as the hardest years in any marriage.

I can't say that our foruth year will go down in any records. We did a lot of talking, we did a lot of soul searching. There were questions I still don't think have bee fully answered. I don't know if they will ever be fully answered. But its a work in progress.

We have both been trying a lot more lately. The communication line that we promised one another had stopped awhile ago. We were at times two stranngers in one house. Wr raised our son, we didn't speak, we didn't eat together. And we didn't sleep together. There was really nothing there.

It was quite possibly pathetic when one thinks about it.

I mean where was the love, it had to be there. We didn't marry each other for no reason. And while we were settled into the marriage we are young enough that we should still want each other.

Something needed to change. On both ends. I had repeatidly had talks with him. To discuss things. The feeling of being ignored, unloved and untouched. It was quite possibly the hardest discussions I have had with him in a long time. I had three talks with him. I guess they say three strikes and your out. But I did't want us to be out. I wanted us to work it out.

I can't say it worked interially. I mean we still have issues. But we are working on things. The strangers are beginning to remember why we feel in love in the first place.

A few months ago, I was actually-and I admit as horrible as this is-not looking forward to our anniversary. I really doubted at one point that we wouldn't make it to see five years.

But now? Well now I am beginnig to think we just may be ok.

So it isn't exactly perfect.

But its a start.

So am I back?

I don't know. I feel as though I need a place to rant/complain and to just let out things that my new, more official blog can't. I mean its not that I don't enjoy it. But there was something special about kiwibox. Like a feeling as though no one knew about the site, making it a little more secret and a little more safe to say what I want.

Which means, I just may be back. Whether or not anyone will remember or even really remember me is another story. And at the moment I am not exactly sure I would let it stop me anyway.

Of course this also means I get to relearn everything about the site. Yea thats not so much of a thrilling thought I will say. But hey I am at least willing to give it a try.

But you should be warned, I should get back to my usual entries before long but just kind of want to get back into the feel of things for awhile to see how it goes then will see how it goes from there.

So its been awhile

 

Exactly a year to be exact since I have last updated anything in here.

 

Wow.

 

Honestly, I can't even remember, but I wonder if anyone on here will remember, will read or will even take a minute to look.

 

Things have been good. Life has been moving. Logan is now pushing two years old. Thats right my friends, I am about to be a mom of a full fledged toddler. Not that I don't think he is already but there is something dif. strange about saying I am a mom of a two year old. It seems so less babyish. 

 

And how is he doing? Well good.  Growing like a weed and happy as can be. He seems to be folliowing in daddys footsteps in terms of his love for hockey but he dances and sings like his mommy, which makes mommy extremely happy. And he finally has hair. For awhile there I was sort of wondering if he would. Its the color of warm cinnammin maybe. With blue/green eyes. That are absolutely gorgeous. I fear the day women discover him. Not that they already haven't but still I pity the girls. He is going to break some hearts along the way, already he has mastered the art of getting what he wants-well to an extent that is.

 

As for Andy and I, we are hanging in there. It seems we have hit a rough spot, if not him then myself has noticed this, and I have tried several attempts at talking about it with him. Sometimes it has worked, and sometimes it hasn't but here is to hoping that things improve. And while I could go on and on about it at the moment, I will just say it is what it is and I am trying to get used to things they way the are but hoping its not my reality.

 

And until then, I will end it here.

Now lets see what happens.

Ive had this piece of writing I have been working on for years now. It started after a nightmare date and I was so frustrated I came home and wrote and wrote and wrote. I ended up leaving it on the counter by accident as I headed out the door to my retail job. I got home to my mom asking what I did to dad. Turns out he had gotten his hands on the paper and read it.

He cried.

So I have been working on and off. Ultimately I would love to publish my life story...but have never really been totally happy with it.

Until now.

When last week I had gotten some bit of inspiration as I rode the metro home on afternoon. And it seems as though everything may have changed and I am in fact really really excited at the way its going...

Now if only I could kick myself in the ass enough to actually complete it and get the nerve to send it off...

Maybe it will actually turn into the next big thing.

Maybe.