WOW I haven't written in here in forever..

oops. D:

heh..

I miss Lyle.

god, I don't WANT to miss him...

this sucks.

I just want.. him.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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captivate : thanks :] I'm proud of myself, too. It is really difficult when you care about someone and don't really know how they feel about you. ugh.
SatansGift666 : Yeah, I agree- friends with benefits is dangerous territory. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm already emotionally involved and it's killing me.
Sugar_xxx : You mentioned before how your ex would be kind of hot & cold, and it made you want him more in a way.. and that's exactly how I've been feeling. It's so weird, but it's like when you feel like they don't want you, it makes it more of a challenge. but yeah, it's immature and stupid. =/ I don't get it.

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I hadn't talked to Lyle since friday, and I resisted the urge to text him all weekend. haha That sounds lame... but yeah. :] It's just that, ever since we started talking (back in July), we would text eachother every single day. So when I don't talk to him, I feel like something's wrong. It's weird, but.. it just messes with me.

But I'm like.. serioulsy, calm down. Normal friends don't talk to eachother every single day (with exceptions, of course).

So I decided to just wait for him to talk to me. And he actually did.. I had a text from him when I got done with work just saying "Hey" so I texted him back. He said I should come over.

O_o...

yeahhh. At first I was going to (I know, I know.. bad me. haha) but then he said he had to go to the grocery store. So I didn't know if that meant I couldn't come over or what, but I was like "well, I have some homework I need to do anyway", so.. I didn't go over there.

And honestly, I'm glad I didn't.

I know that if we'd ended up in his room.. alone... watching TV... things would've happened. haha As much as I want to resist, it's so hard to in the heat of the moment, ya know? So it's just better for me to not put myself in that situation.

Anyway. Enough about him.

Work was busy today. I was at the service desk. I got so sick of dealing with people. haha I was just really tired and had stuff I had to get done. Bleh. I'm so glad I have tomorrow off.

I'm gonna hang out with Alyssa and Tony tomorrow. :] should be fun, as always.

I'll ttyl!

<3 kaitlin

Technically it's saturday... but it's 2:46 AM. I don't really know why I'm still awake. haha I get to sleep in tomorrow, though, so it's ok.

Me and Lyle had a conversation last night, via text message. I finally decided to tell him how I was feeling. He started saying how he wanted to cuddle and whatever, and he just seemed really sad. Part of me was like "um. hell to the no." and another part of me was like "aww.. I miss him." haha ugh.. I need to stop. Anyway. This was some of our conversation:

Lyle: Yeah, I idk what I want anymore.
Me: Ok, well, I'm just laying down, but I'm here if you wanna talk.
Lyle: I'd rather have someone to spend the night with.
Me: Do you want someone in particular, or just... someone?
Lyle: Just someone. Ya..
Me: Well I don't really know what you want from me. I don't know where I stand.
Lyle: Sorry :(
Me: I mean, I care about you and I wanna be there for you, but really I can't do the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It's kind of all or nothing for me. I just know I'd get hurt otherwise, cause I get attatched.

...and then nothing.

until today. he called me, but I was at school. He left a casual voicemail. I texted him, and we talked for a little bit. Then I tried to call him around 4:30... and nothin. Sooo... yeah. alrighty then.

I just hate how we don't talk about that stuff in person. Like he can say all this in text messages, but not to my face. So lame. I dunno... I've never brought it up either, but he's the one who starts this stuff. ugh.

But yeah. I'm glad I put it out there. I was a little scared to. I debated. But I was like, if I don't say something now, I never will. So there it is. *sigh*

It's like.. there's so much I like about him. I love talking to him, he's funny, he's genuinely a nice guy... until it comes to me. Then he likes to play games. And I'm so sick of that. I wanna be with someone who wants me.. not just whoever happens to be around, ya know?

I swear I go through like a million emotions a day because of him. I'll go from being sad, to being pissed, and then I'll feel ok... and then he'll text or call me and I'll be happy... and then I remember all the bullshit he's put me through and get pissed again. gahhh.

anyway. I'm gonna go to bed.

<3

Hello people :]

We just had a firedrill. Random. haha I was sitting in the computer lab (where I am now) and all of the sudden the alram goes off. So we're all like "So.. do we, like.. have to go outside? err...?" haha So after a couple minutes we went outside and then the alarm stopped and we all shuffled back inside. haha Yep. Fun times. Made me think of high school.

At the moment, I'm pretty much just killing time. I need to use one of the mac computers, cause they have photoshop. My assignment for my imaging/printing class is to make a design to use for screen printing, which is what they use for t-shirts and stuff. We might get to put the design on a t-shirt, too, which would be awesome. So I have to come up with something sweet. haha But the mac labs are being used by classes right now, so I figured I'd go check at around 10 and see if there's one open then.

Anyway.

I've decided that I need to distance myself from Lyle. At least a little. And I've known this for a while... but it's SO much easier said than done. But I'm kind of obsessed with him.. and I hate that. I don't wanna be that girl, ya know? ugh. I'm just way too available for him, and it's my own doing.

He just confuses me so much. Like I've mentioned, he contradicts himself.. first he says I'm just his friend, he even once said "cuddles with you is a no go". yeah. ok.. And then we end up making out a couple months later... 3 different times. No wonder I'm so effed up. haha

And he says things to make me jealous. Like, he'll talk about girls he thinks are cute or whatever, and ex girlfriends, and I'm like "why are you telling me this?" and I'm pretty sure it's just to make me jealous. And that pisses me off.

I dunno. I just feel like I should expand my horizons a little and not focus on him so much. It's hard, though. But I'm gonna try.

bleh. yeah. I'm gonna get goin.

Hope everyone is having a good day! No work for me today. Yusss. haha

TTYL!

<3 kaitlin

Soo, I did hang out with Lyle on Saturday night. I went to his house. We started out watching a movie, and, of course, ended up making out. haha This was... not the first time that's happened. But it went a little further this time. We actually came close to having sex. Like, he wanted to.. and it wasn't that I didn't want to, but I just didn't feel right about it. I mean, we're really not in a relationship. In fact, I don't even know what you would call us.

Which brings me to another point... I really wanna talk about, well, "us". What kind of relationship do we have? How does he feel about me? I really have no idea what he wants. But after being kinda turned down by him before... even though that was a while ago and things have changed since then... I'm still terrified to put myself out there again. I just really don't want a "friends with benefits" thing. I know I won't be able to handle that. So I'm gonna have to talk about it eventually, but I don't know how to bring it up. =/

We had a nice night, though. We just watched some TV, layed in his bed, cuddled, made out, ate ice cream.. haha It was cute. Luckilly the sex issue didn't make it really awkward. He was really understanding, which I appreciated. He's just.. more experienced than I am. haha So I felt a little overwhelmed. ugh.

Anyway... me and Alyssa are gonna hang out today. =]

I had to get up eaarllyy this morning. Well, early for me, anyway. like 6-ish. Bleh. I just had one class, though. So I'm all done. And no work today. yay! We're getting a lot of cute clothes in at Marshall's. I go into the stock room where all the new stuff is out, and I'm like "oh that's cute.. I'm so gonna buy that.." haha And on Thursday we get 15% off. yeahhh. =D

Alright, I will ttyl!

<3 kaitlin