xmikibugx , 22

June 1st, 2008: Everybody will only take so much of someone's drama. I think Kristen had finally gotten tired of mine. She dropped me off around three-thirty and I got online and talked to Zack.. and before the day was over, I had the title of his girlfriend. Couldn't say I knew it was going to go anywhere, especially when I had the reminder in the back of my head telling me I always kept myself from being completely happy, but I figured it was definitely worth a shot. My father came home around eleven and immediately started ranting about his work phone call from Brandon's mother's attempt to threaten to get authorities involved on the termination of her son and I's friendship. I ended the night pissed off. Bradley still hadn't come to terms with his upcoming responsibilities leaving me to feel like I did the crime and was also doing the time... alone. Will there always be that unusual equilibrium existence of life that will always keep you from being either completely happy or completely miserable or is it just the factors that you chose to base your life around that makes you feel that way?

June 2nd, 2008: To make a long story short, I'll be going to bed tonight without tears in my eyes for the first time in a while.

June 3rd, 2008: Court went exceptionally well today. I received full custody of my daughter and Adrian will never be able to get within 100 yards of us knowingly for the rest of his life. Chapter of my life, closed. I spent off and on all day talking to Zack and had finally admitted to him that I was expecting my ex boyfriend's child. Expecting the worst, he still wanted to be in my life. Zack was the type of guy you spent your life looking for.. the almost perfect type. Truth of the matter is guys still have their set ways, some things they just don't realize they DON'T say even if they stand by it 100%.

June 8th, 2008: I broke up with Zack. It was for the best. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I'm still in love with Bradley. And to be honest, I was in a way, using him to try and make me get over Bradley... It didn't work.

June 9th, 2008: I don't understand how a guy can hurt you over and over and then not comprehend you expecting it. Bradley has broken my heart not only once.. not twice, but three times. Now, we have a baby on the way.. and I'm just suppose to be able to ensure trust in him concerning this baby? It's highly impossible... especially when he's not making the effort to show me I can trust him. He's too emotional to call me? It's a bunch of excuses to me and I'm frankly sick of hearing them. I cried off and on all day today. I know the stress couldn't be good for the baby. That's why I've decided to stop talking to Bradley. The mission has been unsuccessful because he continues to text me, but I'm trying every trick in the book to hurt his feelings so he won't want to talk to me. He even had the nerve to call me childish. How am I childish? Because he's not mature and tries to press on people things he "believes" which in all reality he knows is complete bullshit? I'm protecting my child from that. As soon as I get my graduation money, I'm planning on catching a one way flight out of here and out of his life.

June 10th, 2008: I'm all out of words. I just poured my heart out in the form of a letter to the love of my life and the father of my baby. The rest is left up to him.

June 11th, 2008: I woke up with a call with a voicemail on my house phone from my doctor office. Luckily, I set up the voicemail and I'm the only one that knows the password. Regardless, I call and they want me to reschedule my appointment for earlier. I agree. My appointment changed from July 1st (10w5d) to June 26th (10w0d). My pregnancy is going by so fast and it's a shame that Bradley is missing out on it. Hopefully, giving him this time though will make him grow up and realize that he is about to lose his family. I'm excited to hear the baby's heartbeat though. I feel bad that I will have to go through this alone, but I am excited.. Today was my first day not talking to Bradley since I told him I was pregnant on the 29th of May...and he was on my mind the entire day. My morning sickness is not getting any well. I wake up nauseous now. And I'm losing weight, but my pants are getting tighter. Erh. If Bradley decides he doesn't want to be in this baby's life, I think I'm going to give the baby up for adoption.

June 12th, 2008: I don't know what had snapped into me last night. How could the thought of giving up my child even past through my head just because some worthless piece of shit didn't want to step up to his responsibilities? I am a firm believer in Karma and "getting-what-you-deserve-10-fold" and he got some of his back. When we were in a relationship, he gave me an unfair ultamative and today, the same thing happened to him. I talked to my best friend and broke the new to him that I was expecting.. he was disappointed as I thought he would be, but he understood. Why does relationship matters when you have great friends like Jonathan? Of course, it would be nice to be someone's one and only, but in return, they have to be your one and only. I'm glad that I'm not in a relationship. I have time to focus on myself, my kid, and this baby on the way. I'm keeping this baby and I'm kicking Bradley out the door. I'm done with all his bullshit.

June 13th, 2008: I will never understand why some boys believe that their life is over once they find that girl they want to settle down with.

June 14th, 2008: I can not stand guys. They find a way to fuck up everything.

June 15th, 2008: From tomorrow, on... I will never look at myself the same.

June 16th, 2008: Hm, I just don't know who people are. I'm sick of trying to figuring it out. I'm calling Bradley tonight and asking him if there is anything (last remarks) he wants to say. I need to end with closure.

June 17th, 2008: I have hope for us afterall. I'm going to Texas for two weeks. I'm wishing for the best and preparing for the worst.. and praying my hardest.

June 19th, 2008: I have no idea what the Almighty has in store for me and Bradley's entire situation. Today, Katie broke up with Bradley and told him that he needed to be with me...which in turn had me thinking her doing that was going to push him further away from me. Bradley told his grandma and his dad and afterwards, his mom calls me and tells me going to Texas isn't such a good idea. Bradley calls me at 9:25 or so his time and we talk.. well, he talks and I cry. I don't understand why the color of our skin makes such a difference and I am very upset at this fact. Regardless, at the end of our discussion, I end up telling him I love him.. and I told him he didn't have to say it back (which I knew he wouldn't).. but I hope one day soon, he will say those words once again. As said in the beginning, I don't know what God has in store for me and Bradley...but I have no choice, but to be in for the ride.

June 20th, 2008: Again, with wonderful friends, this time Anna, why should it matter about the outside world around you? Not necessarily creating a world inside a world and forgetting about the "bigger picture", but just not caring.. If I could create a world of my own, it would be filled with those who meant the most to me. For they, are the axis I turn on.

June 21st, 2008: I'm sick of this whole entire world. Seriously.

June 24th, 2008: I pray with everything in me this break is exactly what Bradley needs.. I'm trying to do the right thing. I seriously am, but I don't know what to do exactly. I have to go the next 20 days without talking to him and managing not to lose my mind.