xmikibugx , 22

NOTICE: July 1st- July 7th, 2008 I was out of town and was not able to do the first week.

July 8th, 2008: "..now I found somebody new & you will never break my heart in two again"

Me and Adrian are back together. So, this makes it officially off & on for six years. Wow, six whole years. I'm hoping he's going to change for the better and treat me and his daughter right. I'm not going to be hurt anymore.. I'm not gonna spend my nights crying myself to sleep and being mad at the world. I'm not even in love with Bradley anymore. I love Bradley, but I'm not in love with him.. with everything he's put me through and the things he's continuing to say, it just makes me doubt our whole relationship. I just feel like it was based off a lie.. yeah, I believe there were times that he really did love me, but I believe most of it was just to be with somebody.. I gave my whole heart to him plus more and he didn't want it. So, I'm giving it to someone who really wants it and has always wanted it ... & didn't give up.

July 9th, 2008: "...and you take me the way I am"

I woke up that morning with Adrian beside me. I didn't know what to think at first, but thinking about it now, it was nice to wake up with someone that geninuely cares about you beside you. As I talked to him with eye crust, smeared eyeliner, and morning breath, I realized something... What happens when the wrong one loves you right? Or was I still refusing to accept that Bradley was the true wrong one? Since mission "Find-Cell-Phone-Charger" had failed, I checked my voicemail through my home phone discovering that my doctor had called to inform me of a doctor change. She said she had concerns about my cervix as my pregnancy progresses and that she thought it best for me to move next door to the OBGYN Specialist. Needless to say, I was confused and even a bit upset. As of now, I am still waiting for the call from my new doctor's office.

July 10th, 2008: ".. and that's just the way it goes"

I woke up in the same situation as yesterday. Adrian gone. He had the decency to leave me a note though. He had to go to work and had to work a double shift. He wouldn't be back until late tonight. I had received a call from new doctor. I am now heading to her office on the 15th, two days before my scheduled cerclage. I may have embarked on the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel bad, but it had to be done. I hope some months down the road, things will be different and that he will understand why I did what I did. But if not, It will be I who will have to live with the love of my life hating me for the rest of my life.

July 11th, 2008: "...I hate everything about you"

WARNING: THIS IS A RANT.Today will only be about the phone conversation" me & Bradley had. We were talking and then Bradley said "you don't even want to know what my dad said" and I told him I did and he said that his dad said my baby was too big according to my first ultrasound to be that old so I must be lying. UM, UNLESS HE HAS A FUCKING MEDICAL DEGREE CERTIFYING HIM THEN HE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BRADLEY'S DAD OR NOT. The CRL measuring has been PERFECT for my baby. My baby is the exact size it should be! (And might I mention, there is no DEFINITE size a baby should be, just within certain ranges) And I knew that at least ONE person in his family would try and say some shit like this, but as I keep saying, when I went to pick him up on that Friday before my graduation party, I told him I would take a pregnancy test right then and there! But he didn't want me to. What the fuck do I have to lie about? Bradley KNOWS I didn't want anymore kids for atleast 10 years! I'm STILL PREGNANT. NO I didn't get the abortion. I set the appointment, but no, I never went. And no, it wasn't for Bradley. Me & him are OVER as far as I'm concerned, but I NEVER was going to get an abortion. I thought about it over and over and over and I KNEW I could never go through with it. I TRIED to tell Bradley that tonight, but no, he decided SLEEP was more important. So, you know what, fuck him. Other than this baby, he has nothing else fucking left to say to me. I've lost all respect towards him and there's probably nothing he can do to get it back. I'm fed up. This is MINE AND BRADLEY'S baby, not HIS FAMILY'S. I love his mom to death and her's and Robert's opinions are the only one's I'd care to hear! No, right now, I DON'T want my child around Bradley's dad because no one is going to sit there and call me a fucking liar. I've been doing EVERYTHING my fucking doctor has asked me to do : SITTING ON MY ASS ALL DAY AND TAKING IT EASY and I've been doing that since my first doctor appointment in JUNE... Not to mention, I have to go get my shit stitched up so I can try to maintain this pregnancy... I am NOT gonna take any bullshit from ANYONE during my pregnancy. I'm going through enough already. As of now, I'm DONE. Bradley being in the baby's life is FINE, but as for his family, I don't give a fuck whether they are in this kid's life or not. Ever since I got with Bradley, I did EVERYTHING to make him happy and even after we broke up, I was still trying to do everything to make him happy, but this shit stops today. I can't please everyone and I'm done with trying to. I'm sick of being talked about by his family & feeling ganged up like I have to make all of them happy to keep the peace. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm the girl that USE to be in love with him that is now having his baby. I've done nothing but try to do the right thing.

July 12th, 2008: "...defending intentions if he fails.. until now"

I've noticed since I first came down here from Atlanta, that the majority of the teens [young & old] feel the dire need to be in a relationship or their life makes no sense and has no meaning. I see alot of bullentins every day "bf/gf application" or "I'm tired of being single" or something of that sort , it's quite sad when most of the people around here don't even know what they really want in life and don't even know themselves, but want to try and commit to someone; and in the end, it results in alot of broken hearts and hurt feelings.I can say I am guilty of the same thing. As we all know, I was in a relationship with Bradley & I did truly love him, but he's not ready for a long term relationship, he has alot of growing up to do & now, we have a baby on the way and I'm very scared as to how he is going to do this. He says he's ready because he's good with kids, but what he doesn't realize, he gives the baby back.This time, he can't give the baby back [not unless he plans on giving it back to me]. He has to be up in the middle of the night with the baby [which concerns me because if he's tired and he's ready to go to bed, he's a BITCH, which is completely understandable, because I'm like that when I get drunk, but this is a BABY] How he feels doesn't matter! And I hate to be so blunt, but it's really how it is. He doesn't seem to understand, I have IMMENSE fears about this baby and when it gets here. I don't know where I'm gonna be at, and I don't know how often he's gonna be around (and no, that isn't an insult, it's just reality) and I've never taken care of a newborn 24/7 by myself. When Mikayla was a newborn, [wow, Mikayla, a newborn? Seems so long ago, but I remember it like yesterday] Adrian was around so if I was too tired to get her from taking care of her all day, then he would get her, but I won't have that now. I have no doubts I'll be a good mother to this baby, it's just scary.. and I like to have all the kinks fixed before I get myself in a situation and I know I can't... it's what Jonathan would call me thinking too much, but argh, it's just how I am.

July 20th, 2008: So I know I haven't updated in about a week. Some quick news: I got my cerclage on the 17th, so guess what! That means, I am for sure having the baby. So woohoo for all you other pro-life individuals! Anyways, Bradley is out the picture. He doesn't even know I'm still pregnant. I would like to keep it that way ! I know it seems wrong, but if you all knew the hell Bradley has been putting me through & will continue to put me through if he knows I'm pregnant (so I'm asking you, please, for the sake of the baby, do NOT tell him) I will tell him either when the baby gets here or if he sees me VERY pregnant.. back to the cerclage, everything went well, so I only stayed for about 10 hours rather than overnight. They almost made me sign an AMA release! My nurse was VERY rude! I will never go back there! Well, Friday I had the meeting with the Core. It went well & the dinner was DELICIOUS! I'm getting the recipe and making it for my baby shower! It was a mexican dish, which is probably why I liked it. :D Well, as Saturday started passing by, I realized I hadn't felt the baby since Friday at Publix (that's the last time I remember feeling the baby)... I wasn't cramping or spotting/bleeding, but I had felt the baby since 12 weeks and I'll be 14 weeks in 3 days. So, me of course being high risk was worried and called my aunt. She came and got me and we called the hospital. They said that they could check me out, but it shouldn't be anything to worry about since I'm only 13 weeks and I'm not cramping/bleeding/spotting. We went anyway at 11. Hooked me up. Baby was jumping around and was just fine. It's heartbeat even got up to 190! Tech said that he wasn't 100%, but that the baby looked like a boy. So, needless to say, that made me very happy. I didn't get much sleep though because the nurse kept coming in there and kept readjusting the monitor because the baby was moving around so much and something kept BEEPING (they keep the monitor on, so you hear the heartbeat the whole time, but it was something else) ah, it annoyed the hell out of me! I did get some sleep eventually from 8:30am-2pm :] It was nice. I was discharged around 4pm, but I got some food and got home around 6pm. I still haven't felt the baby, but hopefully, [possibly] HE will start up again soon!

July 22nd 2008: Today, my day started off pretty rocky, but ended well. I am glad to announce that I felt the baby today...either three or four times. That's eased my troubled mind and now have no worries that this baby will be fine. I finally got to talk to Jonathan. I miss him. Hopefully, we will get to spend some time together this weekend or the weekend after that. I loved his little "woohoo" he gave me when I told him the tech told me that I'm having a boy [possibly] and to make a long story short, my child finally has a middle name. His name will be Tristan Bailin Macias. Bailin is not pronounced BAY-LIN, but BAY-LEE-IN. Me and Jonathan will work on some kind of spelling so people won't get it confused. I'm waiting for my birth certificate so that I can get a Georgia ID card and a job! I believe my dad and his girlfriend both know I'm pregnant. When I was arguing with Bradley, I was screaming and unless they were sleeping, I'm pretty sure they heard the words "baby", "pregnant", and any other words that could suggest that I was having an argument with my ex about a baby I'm pregnant with not to mention today, I was in the kitchen making a quesadilla and his girlfriend decided to just walk into my room to see my dog. I got PISSED. It's like, atleast have the fucking decency to ASK if you can go into my room, but my maternity pants that I had just taken off was sitting in the floor and she was kinda standing over them when I went into my room taking a picture of Hershey. If they know, they haven't been saying anything, which is fine by my standards. I think I might have to push the party back until August 2nd, Anna and I do not have enough time to buy the alcohol and promote our party in the matter of three days. And before you get your britches bunched, NO, I don't plan on drinking. It's just gonna be nice to have someone to throw up with for a change. Haha, just kidding. Life is good right now. There's no denying that!

July 25th, 2008: Tonight revealed to me that I really don't like certain things about people. I had a really good time, for real, it was full of laughs...something I haven't had in a LONG time. But, I'm sick of people being so fucking selfish and the sad thing is, they are not gonna change, because they see nothing wrong in the way they act. And another thing is sad when people won't hold their own balls and follow behind others like they are on a leash. Yeah, I might sit at home more often then they do, but I won't let ANYONE run over me. If someone is wrapped up in their own selves & what they want to do to the extent where it affects the whole group's mood, then there is obviously something wrong. After tonight, I'm taking a break from people like this. Yeah, I love them, but fuck that. All I do is constantly be a good friend, but somewhere you gotta draw the line, and well, my line is drawn.

July 26th, 2008: "I don't care for your fairy tales"

I watched "My Best Friend's wedding" earlier today & by the end of the movie I was in tears. It brought me back to that place where I found myself with Bradley. Julia Roberts (who was the non-marrying best friend, who would in this case, be Sam) and her best friend (who would be Bradley) were dating, they broke up and the best friend found someone new (which was played by Cameron Diaz, but would be me in this scenerio). In the beginning of the movie, Julia Roberts came in through the elevator doors to meet the wedding party and the first thing that two of the members said was "Here's the best friend that the bride will never live up to" And as soon as I heard that, I instantly thought of the relationship between me, Bradley...and well, Sam. In the end, Julia Roberts DIDN'T get Bradley, but in my fairy tale, she did.