megan247 , 22

Life, or in particular my love life will never run smoothly. This is a reminder to myself to give nice guys a chance, to read the signs and to put myself first.

I guess this just proves once again that I'm just not a girl that guys fall for, or even care about enough to tell that they've found a girlfriend..who's obviousy far superior to me. Every time, it seems I put myself in a position where I'm inevitably going to feel like this, that I'm not good enough.

I guess I'll explain the situation, even though its going to make me look like a fool.. I was seeing this guy, we meet back in like march or something and when we first met he seemed really keen and then all of a sudden one day it changed and he wasn't, but that was ok cos I wasn't/aren't really looking for anthing serious. Butyea I guess since then mostly all the time I was first to txt and we eventually hooked up and then it felt like he was aviding me even more. I eventually asked him why and he said something along the lines of "Im not avoiding you I just arent in a position to be involved in any way with anyone in any way" and "I just got out of a long term relationship before I met you and Ive been in relationships the whole time Ive been at uni, and I feel I just have to be single now cos I just have to concentrate  uni so I can get out of here" anyway that was fine, I guess things just carried on how they were.

I remember I think the next time I seen him after that conversation we were just mucking around and I said he couldn't avoid me now and he said he wouldn't or the only reason he would is because of what we talked about and I just brushed it off cos I didn't feel like talking about that again. But then abit later Im pretty sure he said "see this makes me want to be with you" and I just didn't say anything again cos I didn't know what to say. Anyways I seen him a couple times since then.

But yesterday his fb relationship status changed to in a relationship.. yea wtf, didn't even feel the need to tell me this? Soyea basically I just don't know how to feel about it..I'm not really mad I want him to be happy but I just feel inadequate, like he didn't even give me a chance and obviously this I need to be single shit was bullshit.

It seems like ever guy I want doesn't want anything with me and all the nice guys I don't even give a chance and run a mile if theyre interested in me..argh fml. 

 

To my best friend,

really random point but thank you for making me think about shit, even almost 2years on theres still a part of me missing hamish.. but I think about it and think I deserve more than that, in my mind I'll never be good enough for him and hence I hope I will never end up back there. I think I will only be happy with someone who is completely happy with me and only me. Life all works out in the end, everything is a lesson..  I truely believe the best is yet to come.. for both of us!

<3 Me

Pretty much writing because I like looking back at this blog/journal and remembering certain things that happened..hence I don't write when life is boring, just when life is either good/exciting or to vent when life is crap. So I think that I would like to write about Sam, everything about that boy intrigues me..but I have no clue how he feels about me!

I met him about a month ago, in typical me meeting guys form..in a drunken state through eye-sex. I guess I should explain the whole eye-sex thing, its when you just have intense eye contact moments with someone where you know theres a mutual want for one another. So I was at a gig (Flux Pavilion=amazing) and we were at the front get squished to death and I look to side of stage and thats when I seen him :) I guess it proved that the whole eye sex thing was mutual cos not that long later he went up to the barrier and kinda signalled for me to go over there. My memory isn't too flash, and it would seem that neither is his because at some later date he asked me what he said to me when this happened.. all I remember is him asking security if they could let me through to the side of stage part (they said no..) and then him asking for my number and subsequently my name..possibly thats all that was said. Oh and I kissed him, yes kinda cringing at my drunken alter ego for doing that but meh and went back to my friends at the front.

Abit later he txt me and told me to go outside and we ended up meeting up, once again I dont think we really talked at all, although it was super loud so understandable. We danced and stuff till the end of the gig and then I seen my flatmates leaving soo I was like "ok, I should go..but I'll txt you k". And I guess thats where that night ends well except he txt me a few times saying he was talking to Flux and the other dj's at the after party, in which case I was pretty gutted I didn't go.

So he txt me the next day and added me on facebook and we ended up txting or chatting most days for quite awhile. He is soo interesting, but at the start I kinda wrote him off as being the opposite of my type..I'm still not sure that he's my type, he's certainly different than other guys I've went after. During the time after I met him I had a heeeeap of study to do so I didnt go out that often and the times I did go out we somehow never met up. But he came to see me at crazy hours of the morning when he'd been out and I hadn't twice. The first time he came he ended up staying the night but didn't make any move on me. At some point I got bored and kissed him and we made out for abit but nothing else. And the 2nd time he came he only stayed like 20mins and didnt even kiss me except when he kissed me goodbye on the cheek!

I don't know whether he's just like that or he's scared of making a move, I'm certainly not complaining but it just seems a weird situation for a guy to drunkenly turn up at 3am and be in bed with a girl without trying anything.. So I was talking to Helen about this and I was like "yea, I'm just not going to try anything and see how long it takes for him to make a move".

Then one saturday I went to this girls birthday party and we ended up going out after and I was txting Sam and he said something about being alone and not knowing what to do, annd I was drunk so I was like 'come here!' I dont think I really thought this through cos now I think about it it couldve been very awkward with my sister being there and basically just a whole heap of other girls. But he came and we hung out at really random bars and then eventually I was like 'yea I wanna go home' and he said something about having to find his friends who he mustve ditched earlier but ended up coming with me anyway.

Its weird that I remember this night perfectly and yet I look back and realise how drunk I was at the time.. Sam wanted to get turkish on the way home so we went there, ran into my one of my flatmates randomly, and also I didnt believe him that he knew turkish so I made him talk to the people there in turkish..twice I think. Then went home and hung out for abit and then I just remember being lying face down on my bed and he was lying next to me rubbing my back under my singlet and he kept being all 'is this ok' 'hit me if I do anything out of line' kinda thing. And then he'd be like "I'm gonna go home otherwise I'm just going to stay here and feel you up all night, and you need sleep" and I'd be like "noooooo" you can't leave. And we'd be making out inbetween times.

I don't really know the order of events/when everything was said but many amusing things were said such as him asking if getting in my pants was against me beliefs..and then me bringing up the fact that last week he didnt even want to spoon and now he wanted in my pants..he also said to me at some point "you should know something" at which point in my mind I was just ohhhh shit, this can't be good. Turns out it was actually something kinda good, don't want to write it here though!

Butyea pretty much I was being a huge tease, like at some point he was going to leave and I was like no I won't let you and I pretty much climbed on top of him and we kept making out for awhile, it was pretty clear how much we wanted eachother at this point..but I dunno its just instictual for me to say no and I'm pretty glad I did. When I finally did let him leave I txt him saying sorry for being a tease etc and he txt back "Haha don't apologise! It's good not to rush straight into things. Was fucking hard in more ways than one though!" haha.

I didn't see him for awhile after that, we were supposed to watch some movie (Pan's Labyrinth or something?) before I came home for midsemester but it didnt happen, although he did come see me breifly on saturday before I left which was nice. We just talked about stuff, he didnt kiss me or anything. So I'm still not sure what the intentions there are, guess it shall wait a week till I'm back at uni..I think I'm starting to like him now though.. 

***

Ohh irony! about an hour after I wrote the above I was talking to Sam on fb.. pretty much straight away he was all "hey I got some news.." which I immediately knew was going to be bad.

So he tells me hes probably moving away, like soon, like before the end of the semester. I didn't really expect this and I tried to sound normal when I was talking to him, but in all honesty Im pretty upset. Its not fair that any time I meet someone that I like they always leave! I know that Ive only known him like a month but I think that it just sucks cos hes such a nice guy and I'd actually contemplated it going somewhere or at the least him being my 'go-to' guy for the rest of the year.

I guess theres a possibility that he won't go..he said that he'd had a crap day, so possibly it was a decision made on a whim. But I doubt it, he seems like the type who just makes a decision and then does it.

I guess thats the end of that..

You know when you think life is pretty good and then something happens which makes you rethink that? I guess that kinda just happened to me, well really nothing actually happened to me but to my flatmate.

I don't really trust guys..I guess that every boy I've ever really cared about has screwed me over in some way. But life was pretty good this year, I love my flat and flatmates, we party hard and uni is ok. I kinda decided this year, after it was established that the Jamie thing was over, that I wouldn't be with any guys..not for awhile anyways.

But all my flatmates have love interests, one with a serious boyfriend of a couple of years and the others with some sortve romantic interest. So my bestfriend just txt me saying that she found out that this guy shes been seeing has been seeing/sleeping with another girl at the same time. From what Ive heard he sounded like a nice guy who was good to her, hes an exchange student so its not like they were going to be in a commited relationship..But still thats pretty shit! I dont see how you can lead someone on like that and not tell them that you're with other people, if he'd said that then I wouldnt have a problem with it.

So this happened and it made me think back to when the same kinda thing happened to me. When about a week or so after he told me he loved me and asked me out (although we werent actually going out) I went to his house to literally hear him having sex with another girl.. This happened only a couple of hours after I had been at his house and told him I'd come around that night, soyep that was pretty shit. But I got over it, a long time ago even, but does this ever stop is there actually guys out there that you can fully trust when you know stuff like this happens all the time?

Also I know I said above that I wasn't looking for any guys but I did meet someone..last saturday night. He's really different from my usual type of guy, but he seems really nice and we've txted/fb chatted most days since then. Buut now I don't know..I don't even know if thats heading somewhere, but I don't know if I'm in a mindset that anything would ever work because of this stupid not being able to trust guys thing

Its quarter to one in the morning here, I really should be asleep cos I have to get up and study early tomorrow buut the stupid neighbours are playing ridiculously loud music and every now and then loud drunk people walk past on the street outside..not ideal

I need to sort myself out, work out what I really want and actually stick to it as opposed to making up my mind one day and changing it the next.

I don't know whether I still want him, it seems like its changed we used to hang out and do fun stuff and now its just sex and thats few and far between. Not like last semester when I seen him mostly atleast once a week.. I know that he is super busy and I shouldnt expect him to prioritise me over uni work but he doesnt get how it screws me over alil bit each time he rejects me. I will never be good enough, not for him and not for Hamish.

I would like to say Id just take some time away from him, but really I already have..not by choice. And he says hes consumed by uni for the next like month anyways. The problem is I like to talk to him, whenever I see him on fb I have something to ask him or say to him.

Yesterday I told him I wanted to go back to the old days and be friends with no sex and he pretty much just said no. I asked him if it wasn't posible for us to be friends without sex and he said "probably not"..

Yes this makes him sound like a complete ass, but its probably true. When I lost him 1st year we didnt talk much for awhile and then even last year we only talked every now and then, albeit when we did it was interesting conversations, but I had lost interest I had found Hamish. And this year I fell back into old habbits, it was too easy, there is too much chemistry to resist.

I did used to try to resist, at the start, he'd grab my chin in attempt to kiss me and Id turn my head away. I guess it was habbit with him to say no.
But with some people thats how you are from the start, a relationship built around sexual attraction, and maybe there is no way to escape that.
I think things are fine, in spite of the fact that I just talked to him on fb and he just went offline and didnt talk back grr, things will be fine.. however they turn out.
I just wish I didn't insist on dramatizing my life