myowngrl , 25

Life's so depressing. Today my mom came home from work bitchy and when she's in a mood there's nothing you can do. It infuriates me so much that she thinks she's always in the right and I never am. I mean, I know I'm not right ALL the time but at least some of the time I am. And lately I've been finding them talking behind my back about me more and more. I'm not paranoid, but I just hate it. Especially when they think I can't hear them and they end up saying mean things. It really sucks never having anyone to talk to. It's like no one cares and all these other people get to have friends and have a life, some people who I'll honestly say are despsipicle people and they get to have it all. And here I am a nice, quiet girl who gets nothing. I don't get freedom or people to care or anything. Today I was thinking how now we are into the future, like really far into the future. I mean, back in the mid to late 90's thinking about this year just seemed inconceivable and now that it's here nothing that I thought would be happening would be happening. It's like nothing at all is happening

It's SO unbelievably cold here. I think it's like 4 degrees and the windchill is negative something. Well, at least the last time I checked it was and it's only supposed to get colder. I hook my puppy up to the line and she loves just staying outside even though I see her little legs shaking. I always put her jacket or sweater on her, though but usually I only allow her to be outside for a limited amount of time in the cold. My parents are downstairs watching some movie they rented so she's up her with the cat and she's not behaving herself but what's new I guess.

It still feels weird not to have the dog around. Hell, it's been over a year since we had to put our cat down and at nighttime before I go to bed I still look in the living room for him. I mean I know I won't find him but I guess I just haven't completely broken out of the habit. Maybe by springtime or summer we'll get another dog and the house won't be as lonely. The puppy needs another dog to play with...she plays with my cat but my cat doesn't always want to play with her. Plus, she used to play with our dog and now she doesn't have him as a friend anymore.

My mom's been sick since yesterday. She kind of forced me to make homemade chicken soup for her. I understand that she doesn't feel good, but at the same time even when she is feeling well she makes me cook things. She'll get all the ingrediants then ask me to help her when she helps with absolutley nothing. I don't mind cooking, but on my own terms and not being forced into it. Anyway, so we did nothing today which was boring and really sucky because during the week I basically do nothing. The weekends is when stuff usually happens. My parents are still trying to find someone who teaches guitar. It seems impossible to try to find anyone locally. I keep looking at the local craigslist, but nothing. And I've been looking at craigslist for the cities around here and some look promising but my mom says they're all too far away so who knows if I'll ever be able to learn guitar.

We had to put my dog to sleep yesterday afternoon:( It's kind of messed up to be awoken by being asked if I wanted to go to the vet's and finding out we were going to put him to sleep. Of course I went. Poor baby...at least he's not suffering anymore. The house is definately more quiet and just lonely. My dad was up in the living room last night, just sitting in his chair watching tv. It was mostly his dog. The other pets aren't dumb...the cat came upstairs to sleep in my room last night and he never does that. I mean if he knows the puppy is up here with me he'll stay clear. The cat's up here right now sleeping on my bed...you can tell he's just not acting the same. He's sad. And the puppy is a little bit calmed down, I think. Last night I was folding towels on my parents bed and I had her come up there and she just fell asleep so easily. Plus, she was whining and barking last night like usual but she seemed okay once I held her. My dad's been talking a little big about wanting to get another dog. It does seem sad thinking about getting another pet so soon but I guess he was looking up dogs online months ago. Plus, he doesn't have a lap dog anymore. Although my puppy is keeping him company for now it's not the same. Plus, I guess he doesn't want a small girly dog. But who knows what will happen...it's just weird to think two of my pets are gone, but I like to think they're keeping each other company and hopefully one day I'll see them again.

It feels like forever since I've been on here, and the site has changed again. i suck at dealing with change, but whaterver...


I officially have no friends. I started talking to one of my old friends which I knew wasn't going to be the smartest thing but i figured anyone is better then no one. I mean I'm sick of always being alone with all these thoughts kept to myself. Of course this friend hasn't changed her ways at all. I finally wrote to her telling her exactly how I felt about her...I wasn't being mean, just honest. I have yet to get a reply, who knows if I ever will. My cousin was in town for the holidays. I did see her when we went to her family's house and she told me more then once about how she'd call me up and we'd get together. So all last week when the phone rang I got my hopes up but she never called. And my life is still basically the same, with nothing to look forward to. It's hard to wake up in the morning because there's nothing to wake up to. Anyway, we went over to her family's house new year's eve night and she was out with friends that night which depressed me. Then the next day we were invited over to have lunch and yet again she was out with friends. It's like people keep saying these things and making these promises and it's like they either forget about me or I guess I'm not important enough for them to follow through. Everything just sucks and it's like no one ever seems to stop to think about how anything is affecting me.

I did get a guitar for christmas. It's an acoustic. We went to the music store and the guy there recommended us an electronic tuner so my mom tried to help me with it but it confused the hell out of her. A guitar is no good if it's not tuned, though. I've been having trouble trying to find someone who teaches guitar locally. I need someone who'll understand my disabilities though and that I am a little slow sometimes at learning but I honestly think I can learn. So I guess I have at least one thing to look forward to. But I know tomorrow afternoon I'll be up, but laying in bed wondering if it'll be worth it to get up.

I still have my puppy who definately still acts like a puppy. My dad's been out of work for a long while so basically I take her downstairs for him to deal with during the day. I guess that sounds mean, but when I was home alone during the day I had a schedule all worked out and I took care of all the pets. Now with him home all the time though all I do is stay upstairs trying to stay out of his way, but he never seems to care about staying out of mine. And I mean usually he's holed up in the living room doing whatever so I go downstairs to do chores but that's it. He never gives me any reason to stay downstairs. My other dog is not doing good...he's had a lot of close calls in the past but I know it won't be long at all before we have to put him to sleep:( But at least it's not a surprise and we did have him for a lot of years. I'll still miss him, but I think I can handle it a little better then I did with my cat. My cat went downhill in a matter of months whereas with this dog it's been years. Always sad and hard to lose a pet though no matter what. I honestly don't know why my parents are still waiting though, it's obvious he's in pain and suffering despite his pain pills and his suffering is hard to watch.